Grief and triggers. Can anyone relate?

His doc is a urologist. We have been discussing the pros and cons of the different treatments.. R is very fit - when he has an MRI for his shoulder the tech said he had the body of a man of 50. I would agree. He is 72 and very active so he is likely looking at many years more. I know by age 80 a majority of men have cancer cells in their prostates which will not be the cause of their death. In the end it's his decision according to what seems the "least bad" for his priorities. I can gather information and feedback my thoughts - but it's up to him.

Glad your dad went so quickly. Its what we all hope for.

I will be 6 hrs drive from dd when I am down there. We are both introverts, do well texting and phoning, and they will make some trips south to visit dgd and me. I am OK with that. It's for a season. I am blessed that so many of us will be in the same area within the next few years. I didn't expect it.

I don't know what your hubby's doc will recommend on the prostate cancer, Golden, but there are two distinct types. They can test for that. For the most part the prostate cancer that hits at a certain age is a slow grower. My Dad got it in mid 80s and his doc and he chose not to treat it unless he had problems with the waterworks, but just to watch it. He died at 94 of something else. Because of the side effects of the treatments he decided he was willing not to treat; his doc basically agreed with him (predominantly THEN so many years ago it was incontinence he didn't want to face down). That was basically him tho and it is me, as well. I as a s/p breast cancer survivor don't even do mammograms anymore for more than a decade now; I always found my lumps myself, even when the mammograms were negative. My Dad also had a large abdominal aortic aneursym he chose not to treat. Likely what took him. Basically I told him if that baby blew he wouldn't have time to say ouch. And I suspect it was that that took him because he didn't have time to say ouch. He was watching Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live and went without a sound. Everyone has to make his/her own medical choices, but be certain the doc/urologist isn't just a surgeon (they love to cut) but will explain the type of prostate cancer. The truth is that if a man lives long enough he WILL get that. Sure wish you luck going forward.
How long/how far will you be from family now? How far. My DD just was here with hubby and we were sitting on bed chatting and saying how hard not just to be able to chat. Phone, texts, emails not the same as a lazy afternoon chat in the sun with your feet up.

Thx Alva. The making of new memories is so important. I discovered that on my first trip to the city after ex and I broke up. I hadn't driven there by myself as he did all the driving but I decided I could do it. On arriving I looked around and decided I had to make new memories as all my memories of the city were with him. I looked up a number, picked up the phone and called a gal I had been close to years ago but lost touch with since we moved north. What a blessing that turned out to be!!! We easily slid back into our friendship and I felt at home in the city again.

The move now is complicated by R's recent diagnosis of prostate cancer, his impending knee reconstruction and the issues we have had installing new flooring in the condo. He went to two appointments last week to no avail. The dr was called away so he hasn't met with him yet. We are praying for success on this next one. The dr said to the nurse he is not critical so I am assuming early stage. He meets with the dr hopefully Mar 1 to discuss options. Then R has to come up here to finish repairs so I can get this house on the market. When the flooring is done at the condo and he is not in the middle of some treatment but before his knee surgery we will arrange the move. He has to be able to lift as some stuff is going into storage for the planned workshop. I am pretty well ready for the move.

It all feels rather convoluted right now but - one step at a time. Being in limbo is stressful but I am getting used to it. R is a last minute kind of person. He has boundless energy and I have to remind him I cannot move down one week and look after him post surgery the next week. Moving down will probably knock me out for a while - CFS/FM and all that. Oh, well. It will happen eventually.

Gotcha, Golden, on all of it. Thanks for sharing. I am 80 and I fully understand so much of this thinking. In so many ways I can mirror it. You are moving TO, and you are absolutely right, the bringing up of so many memories is a part of it, and you are grieving a loss which I am so sorry for. I understand it all now, and thanks again. Sure do support you and think your thinking is great in this matter. And love that you are also thinking of the coffee sharing, and the making of new memories. Seems to me your attitude is so healthy in all of this.

No problem, Alva. These decisions are not made on one factor but many factors, and just because I have some grief doesn't mean I don't want to move. Just because you make the right decision doesn't mean you can't be sad.

This grief was triggered by the passing of my late niece's husband. For me one loss will usually trigger the memory of others. I have had tons of loss in my life so it isn't hard for my brain to make those connections. The loss of my youngest son was beyond painful and can be more easily triggered than other losses. His memory is associated much with this house. That is not a reason to stay here, but it does bring some pain leaving those tangibles behind even this many years later.

I never planned to stay here for the rest of my life. It's too far north, too cold, the house is too big, and the city doesn't have as good resources as larger cities further south. As I age (I'm 85 now) it is likely I will need more resources so I want to be closer to them. It will make life easier.

My oldest son and his gal are planning to move near to where I am moving. I have two grandchildren in that city. And, as it has turned out in the last few months since I posted first, my dd and hub will move there within the next year or so and my second grandson probably too. That leaves only my middle son and wife here and they will be welcome to visit whenever they want to.

I am absolutely moving TO something - my newly purchased condo and my sig other (R), who has been there by necessity the past few years. The condo is in the town where I stayed when our city was evacuated due to the forest fire so it feels safe to me and I know my way around. R who knows the area very well, and I started thinking about the eventual move then and looking for places..

In addition I have a lot in a summer village not far away that we want to develop starting with a little gardening and setting up a workshop for R. I have already made connection with the CFS/ME Association there and will get involved with them in time.

Thanks to face book I found I have an old teaching colleague not far away - we plan to have coffee - and at least one person I knew many years ago is in the city. I had more but they have passed over the years. I am expecting to make some friends or at least meet friendly people in the condo. R has found that people are helpful there and it is a sort of community in itself. I will miss sitting in my living room and looking at the trees, but the condo looks out over farmer's fields and trees, which is not a bad trade off and lot has lots of trees.

My two oldest kids and my grand kids are looking forward to family get togethers in the future. I think I am going to splurge and take everyone to the dinner theatre that R and I love as a celebration once we all are there.

I won't be as close the family there as I am here. The kids and grandkids will be in the city, and the condo is in a small town about 1/2 hr. drive away, but that's not bad. I am looking forward to having a smaller place to look after and being together with R again.

Golden, I don't mean to pry, so if you don't want to tell me, just don't answer, but can you tell me why you have to make this move from a place you have lived happily for so long, and a place where it seems like the tree of your family has so set down roots? It seems like all the losses are really coming together over this move. I assume you must make this move, as rarely do we go through them for fun. I am so sorry it's all accumulating. I am hoping where you are going TO is something you decided on and a place where you can make new happier memories. So sorry you are going through this.

wikkie, I can feel the raw emotion in your words - one year ago today I was where you are and remember the pain of that time. I still don't understand my complicated mother. I still don't understand why things went as they did. Because of my experience, I am encouraging you to ask a hospice nurse or some other trusted caring skilled professional what you should expect as your mother's end nears. No one advised me of anything and I did not recognize what was happening. I am left agonizing over the way it went and how reality clashes with how I had imagined it happening. I encourage you to ask for guidance even if you don't think you need it. I have to say, my depressed mother wanted to die for 20 years, seriously. She'd say (smiling), "From my lips to God's ears, I want to die, but He's not listening to me." I just wish I'd had someone to help me and it never occurred to me to ask anyone. Prayers to you as you and your mother go through this together, prayers for comfort, solace, and peace.

wicki - thanks. My mother could not show affection either and yet she was a remarkable women in many ways too. I think I have worked through most of my grief around her. It has been a life long process for me.

I am sorry you are facing the end of your mother's life. It is a difficult and painful time, yet also can bring relief. It's hard to see them become a shell of the person that they were. It's hard to see them suffering, in pain, in confusion...

Let us know how she is and how you are through this last phase. At the end my mother was at peace which was a blessing.

I totally relate! For months I couldn't wait for my mother to die, just because I'm so tired of the caregiving process, and the money and the time it has taken out of my life the past 6 years. When I moved her into a facility, I was throwing out everything that reminded me of her because I was just so angry and overwhelmed. When she went into hospice a few weeks ago, it was such a relief...but then...then today when I heard the frailty in her voice, I felt a deep stabbing grief, an understanding that this really was the end of my mother of 61 years, that this person I had such complicated feelings about who could never tell me she loved me because of the way she grew up herself, who could never cuddle or hold me, but who was a remarkable woman in multiple ways, was going to be gone soon. And all I could see was myself is a little child gardening with her, and I felt a deep grief.
Grief is indeed a complex process and can be triggered by the smallest things. Loving others is certainly painful as well as joyous. My heart goes out to you--you are definitely not alone.

cw - I am sure you are right. People who have already detached from family members won't have the same response as those who are closer.

Holidays and other special days are triggers -the empty chair, the memories of past times, the hole left when you don't have that LO to buy a gift for, or provide for their favourite dishes. You have to make new memories without them to keep life moving forward.

I regard to moving on -
I think that when people have very little interaction with their parent or extended family it is easier to move on; if you rarely even think of them then you aren't going to have the great gaping hole in your life the way you would if you spend time or at least speak together often. I suppose that's why holidays and certain other things/events can trigger unexpected grief, you're suddenly conscious and aware of the loss.

(((((mid)))) I know you are in the middle of it. Some families exist in a very precarious balance and it doesn't take much to throw that balance off, never mind the death of the matriarch. I have seen people who throw money at things to resolve them too and while it may work, at least for the time, for them, it doesn't work for everyone. My sis thinks nothing of being hurtful to me either, which is why I cut contact. I didn't go to either my father's or my mother's funerals because of the treatment I knew I would get from family (mother and sis). My hopes of having a nice family meal on any occasion were buried long ago. Maybe some of my kids and I can - but maybe not. I know I can with dd and family, probably with OS and g/f, middle son and wife - doubtful.

I didn't grieve mother much when she passed but I had grieved the loss of a nurturing mother all my life. But I did and do grieve her a little and still feel the loss of my father sometimes. He was my nurturing parent. I will have a few reminders of her and my father in my new home.

I understand the lady who lost her dd. Losing a child brings grief beyond all experience of losing others. Yes, there are always triggers for me too, even after 20 years.

Look after yourself, midkid. The grief journey is an emotional rollercoaster. I totally identify with one day OK and the next day blue, and "grief bursts with tears" every now and then. It takes energy. Be sure to get enough rest, fluids, a little exercise, a little socialization, and a little distraction is good too.

Absolutely!
Very few people can handle a death and show almost no emotion and go right back to their lives as if nothing had happened and it's business as usual.

My OS is this way. we lost mom 7 weeks ago. My OS seems to be completely "over it" in that she has moved on with her life after taking a few hours over the course of the week following mom's death and her funeral.

She acts as if NOTHING happened. She doesn't 'get' that for me, this is proving to be a painful and difficult thing to grieve. I'm OK one day and then the next I am blue and sad and struggling to adapt. Mom and I were not close, but that doesn't make a difference, really.

Mom was 92, her death was a blessing and she outlived her 'joy' and 'usefulness' by many years. Nevertheless, I am triggered by a song I hear, something I'll read, something I'll hear and then think "oh, I should tell mom'.

My family is also rapidly fracturing. The financials are done and YB says he's ready to disburse the inheritances. I suggested maybe we get together to do that, just dinner or dessert out somewhere and nobody wanted to do that.

Everyone is so very different. I think we need to treat anyone who has lost someone they loved with great kindness--my OS was downright rude to me the other day. THAT triggered a little cry-fest.

Honestly, I think my OS has some kind of personality disorder. She is so cold and handles every problem by throwing money at it.

You're right. There will be triggers for grief, and some will never 'go away'. I knew a woman who lost a child (my little friend!) and the mom could not hear a certain church hymn for the next 55 years without falling apart. The music people in her church just knew to never plan to sing that song.

When SHE passed, they sang that song at her funeral. It was fitting and beautiful. But 55 years? That trigger never abated.