Funerals and family

My husband's brothers, (neither came to visit and say goodbye when their parents were moved to hospice), both wanted the ashes to be spread "somewhere fun to go".

My ILs had bought plots years before and already had a gravestone in place with both of their names and dates of birth. The brothers could agree to cremation - their parents wanted the whole fuss of embalming, transporting the bodies back to their home state, caskets, viewing and traditional burial. The parents had left enough money to pay for it, yes, the money would have reduced their children's inheritance.

My husband worked a compromise- he went along with doing the cremation, he insisted the ashes had to be buried in their plots. They did get a lovely memorial service with giant flower arrangements instead of caskets and a big church basement buffet afterwards.

The brothers refused to attend the memorial service. They did come to the burying of the ashes - as long as it was only going to be the brothers, spouses and children. One of them had the nerve to ask "what no minister?" My husband told him, "if you want the part with the minister, you need to attend the memorial service this afternoon".

Since it was a rural cemetery and live plants were allowed, we planted flowering bushes and placed their ashes at the bottom of the holes with the fertilizer.

The funeral home, who had arranged for the gravestone years earlier, sent the engraver by to carve in the date of their deaths.

While this wasn't what the parents wanted, at least their ashes were buried where they intended their remains to be, instead of "somewhere fun to go".

Isthisreallyreal,
the Funeral Director knows me personally. Hope after 6 yrs if exs ashes are still there, he would call me. He is owed $2300 and we had people willing to help pay it so he can be buried in a Vet cemetery. SonIL called there and was told, by the son, his sister finally picked them up. Dad, senior director, says no. Exs sister has not been in contact with any of us or her family here.

When my BIL died unexpectedly, my half sister acted like she was putting on a New York wedding at the Waldorf! She bought him a satin lined and tufted high end casket for a viewing, only to have his body CREMATED after the wake and the funeral-without-burial was over with. There was food and tons of flowers and booze, etc, again, like a wedding, for 2 days during the wake. Then God knows what for the funeral services at her church where she's the treasurer. I didn't attend bc I was recuperating across the country from a full hip replacement at the time. But she spent $15k she had to get a bank loan for to finance the shindig. 😑 His wishes were to be cremated and have his ashes spread here in Colorado where he wanted to live.

People tend to want to put on a show when a loved one dies, it seems.

Plan a big blowout and then give each of the sibs a write up of it and their portion of the cost. That will have them running for the hills.

Mom's funeral was all pre-paid and pre-planned. We had to choose flowers, which took all of 2 minutes.

I suggested a family dinner at a nearby 'family style' diner and was told by OS that HER family didn't want to come. YB's family was having dinner brought in by neighbors for just THEIR family. YS's Dh doesn't like any of us and won't socialize with us.

My family went to the diner and had a nice meal. Frankly, after 10 days of waiting to get the funeral over with--I was exhausted and just wanted to go home and cry.

My OB died 10 years ago and the instructions he left for his last wishes would have cost about $15,000. He left this world, deeply in debt to pretty much everyone. My mom wanted us kids to pitch in for a funeral and YB said "Yeah, if he hadn't died owing me $2K I might have done that." He was cremated and his ashes distributed to his kids and my mom. My niece was driving around 2 years later with a coffee can with some of her dad's ashes in it. She just didn't know what to do with them. My mom had her 'portion' in a cigar box on top of her tall dresser. I think they got thrown away at some point.

People get weird about funerals, for sure.

JoAnn, when my dad died, the funeral home told me it would be about a week before he was cremated. When I picked his remains up, ALL of the paperwork showed he was cremated hours after they picked him up.

My best guess would be that they were worried about payment or anyone dying from Covid was dealt with immediately. Who knows but, they could have saved me some hassles if they would have told me he was already cremated.

I bet your exs remains are long since processed, whatever the financial situation.

I am so glad you are a strong person and ignore these crazy people. I had an Uncle who was renting a room at the time of his death. As soon as he passed, my cousin took what money my Uncle had in the bank out. So no money to bury him. There were 7 siblings so they each put in money for his cremation in a state 900 miles away. He is buried down there. No one put on a memorial up here. Crazy...his sister was. She would be telling us how we should handle Moms but she died before Mom. I would have let my brother handle her anyway.

Vent all you want.

I live in a small town in S Jersey and was told my exs cremation was 2300. Sister ran off with his money so not sure if he is still not on a shelf at the Funeral Home.

in-person funerals are so yesterday. No need to get together, spread disease, and waste money on useless items. Try a virtual online funeral streamed by the funeral home instead. Or one that you set up, they’re something like a zoom meeting, and you’re all virtually face to face in your own homes with music, pix and personal reminiscences of what the deceased meant to you. I’ve been to a couple and loved them. I find funeral home viewings barbaric and services often are too long. Trying to satisfy the relatives is impossible. Enough!

Just a heads up. The price of everything has increased and cremation cost is directly related to the amount of competition and location .

I did the least expensive options for my dad and the cheapest rate I found was $1,500.00. Small town, one competitor. My stepdad was same, except it was 1k, big city, lots of competition.

People/family get nuts over stuff like this because they're flailing around due to guilt or fear.

Guilt for not having spent more time with the deceased, guilt for knowing they didn't help you when you really needed it (because it wasn't the type of help they wanted to give).

Fear because death scares the poo out of them as it circles in ever so closer. Also, they want to "help" by being "helpful" (i.e. foisting an unsolicitated opinion on you) which ironically turns out to be the opposite of helpful.

I'm sorry for what you've been through and going through. May you receive peace in your heart.

Damn straight about not wasting money on a funeral to make others feel good and impress business associates. 12,000 is such a waste of money.

Cremation shouldn't be more than 1000 but you dont even have to have a funeral. You can also not claim the body and let the state take care of it.

Best way to shut this shit down is to ask how much money they are paying to help with the funeral costs. Good luck .

You have done all that needed to be done during his life. Do what you need and want and can afford to do to bring this to closure. You have done yourself proud.

It is impossible for me to express how vigorously I agree with you.

How fortunate for you that there’s nothing left to spend on such nonsense.

For any sorrow that you’re feeling about ANYTHING, my most sincere regrets.

You sound like a great person.

BE WELL.