Burnout caregivers. Stop making it all about you, and read this please.

I've been writing a small article, for the heck of it, that I may post here some day about my experience with burn out.

The WHO has 6 factors for burn out at work, they apply to caregiving in my opinion, and I have 5.5 of 6. Right now I can't do my job, help my father plus deal with a health issue.

My job is good in many ways but my boss isn't. I need a new job and my father flips out when I suggest I'm getting a new job. I'm also considering legal action, so that won't be stress-free either. I probably need to just quit, but with health issues, I need health insurance.

My health is serious, but I won't fall over dead (I'll know it's coming, if it's coming), yet my father has gone on a crazy-assed worry-fest about his mail. It's bonkers and the last thing I need.

I'm going on vacation for a week and told my father not to call me. He had a fit about it. It's a ****damned vacation, he swears he doesn't need help, so he can manage. 100% guaranteed the worry-beast takes over and he calls me.

Even I, who have a lower maintenance case, is worn out and broken. It's been 5-years of this shit with my father and 1-1/2 years of pure hell in my job. I'm going away for awhile and tough shit to him and his million worries.

I had to re read your post title a few times. I see what you really meant was for your audience to "stop making it about them."
I appreciate your honesty...
Because of you & others I instantly told my Mom this past Jan when my Dad died "Nope, you won't be living with me or vice versa." I had to repeat more than a handful of times when she would bring it up. Because of this thread & the comments, I had the strength to enforce necessary boundaries.
Now, I am trying to learn addt'l boundaries to put into play:
I know there are some elderly who are sweet and teachable...and are able to integrate into their grown Kids' homes (hopefully in a detached ADU) *BUT* I see now that is a small %. Every person should come to terms with: I want to live independently as long as possible. If I have the funds, I will pay for and make the best of any type of Seniors facility.. I need to maintain being active, enjoying friendships and hobbies. I need to accept and support that I will a part of some family get togethers but not most. I need to be excited for my Kids and Grandkids successes and travels and experiences. I need to stop with the "poor me" the "I am so lonely" Get active now. Take advantage of what you can do. Become happy if you aren't. Stop whining.

Burnt, we don't believe in juvenile delinquents, it's delinquent parents that are the real problem.

@Isthisrealyreal

I couldn't agree with you more about some kids. You know, I find that if a kid needs a whooping his/her parents usually need one more.

Summarize never be afraid to say I cannot safely care for a person or do not believe I can continue to provide safe care.. I thought I could but I was wrong.
Thats what I mean about not making it about urself, not what u r missing,how it affecting ur family or career it's about not being able to provide safe care to the vulnerable person for whatever reason.
I must remove myself from the situation. it has been horrible knowing this about myself. I watch news articles about kids that have been horribly abused by their parents and think they aren't human. Then I know given the right amount of stress that could be me. And I know I have removed myself when I was confronted by the situation.
The only thing I can't ever forgive parents who have been convicted of child abuse is that they didn't remove themselves from situation when abuse or neglect became
possible. And it was easier for for me to remove myself as a stranger caregiver. I hope I am able to do the same as with a vulnerable
Family member. So I really have no forgiveness to anyone that does not remove themselves when they become the threat for any reason.
And I am older I would never allow myself to get that stressed again

It was foolish of me 20 something and it was arranged by people who didn't understand.
Marlene father had died in WW2. before Marlene born . Her mother sacrificed her life totally for Marlene. Followed Marlene schedule and all.
When she died she left Marlene assets. It was hoped Marlene could of stay out of nursing home if someone could use her assets as payment. Her elderly mother could do it why couldn't a college student?
I started in summer and it
was doable for someone who did nothing else. I enjoyed Marlene. She couldn't speak, used a message board u had to watch were her eyes pointed to know what she is wanted to to say.. we devised our own personal communication with our facial expressions. We had lots of fun with that. She was a quadriplegic could only move her right arm.. not direct to it just move on it...
Once I get her in
passenger seat then went to back of my car to put her w/c in trunk.
Amd she waved that right arm she could move without directing it.. and she leaned on the door lock. I had locked the other ors . We had to call the police to get doors unlocked.. Marlene just kept laughing and laughing and I kept scowling at her, telling her to stop laughing this wasn't funny. But I was secretly glad she trusted me to keep here safe whatever the situation. Cops were kind of undone. Something they not used to probably one of the most unusual calls they had for a long time.
As a younger person I took her w/c everywhere
She loved. It.
I would put her w/c in the back of my chevette and we would go. I made it thought 2/3 of semester once school started.. full tim engineering classes. At end of semester I was so close to flunking out.... I had to quit. I had to be full time because of some grants I had gotten. So I couldn't go to part and work as Marlene careegiver that was when I had to my first symptoms of my multiplerosis that i blamed on pushing my body farther than it would go. I am the first person to on my family to go to college.

and were few in woman in engineering at the time
actually a was turned down to the engineering program had to make a big stink because my grades were better than many me in program... I was very stubborn, I look back and don't understand do it how I did it. Undiagnosed do multiple sclerosis going too.

I like to tell myself I did my part for women rights.. my grandmother was born without the right to vote.
My mother was a stay at home mom. And I was en engineer back when there weren't many falr engineers.
After I quit they hired someone to do this full time for salary and room and board.. that person would note wake up to turn Marlene would cry through the night. Disturbing neighbor sleeep.
Marlene social worker would visit and said the apartment was just a mess not clean like it had been when I was to there.
The aide who followed me quit.. her father was a laywer and they contacted me they wanted to bring a lawsuit against Marlene for inhumane working conditions..
I refused to even talk to them.. as I said it was doable for me during summer but not during school. My it was doable for Marlene mother for 56 years... I couldn't understand ? My replacement couldn't do it. When that was her only occupation. And Marlene went to adult day care 5 days week.. so my replacement had 2 weekends off a month and 5 days a week.. when Marlene in adult day care.
Marlene went to daycare 5 days a week. Thats when I went to college Brought Marlene along to grocery store... I had 2 weekends off a month. But had no where to go on my weekend off.. so I would sleep on the couch and respite worker would sleep in my bed next to Marlene room.. course I was ready trained to get up every 2 hours and respite worker would not hear Marlene cry out.. so even on my weekends off i didn't to get a full night sleep.. yes it really happened like this

Yes it really happened that way. I was a foolish 20 year old and an idealistic social worker promised marlene mom she would be Marlene gaurdian after her m

Actually that would be better for ur mother too a win-win situation and don't let anyone convince u otherwise

HfH23,
I meant it as a caregiver often will not do for themselves and they needed to make sure they understood they were doing it for the person they were caring for.
That's not really worth doing it for themselves but is worth the fight for the person they're caring for.

@Mikurotoro

Isthisrealyreal is right. Taking care of a baby and little kid is nothing like caring for a declining elder. Especially when the elder has dementia or is a senior brat.
Don't let a bad caregiving experience for an old person make you doubt your abilities to be a parent at some point.
Work on you first. Get a job. Become financially independent and self-sustaining. Get married before thinking about kids.

Thank you for sharing your story - it was very insightful and it seems that you learned a valuable lesson early in life.
I did have question regarding the wording in your title, which read, "Burnt out caregivers - stop making it all about you." Perhaps you didn't intend to mean it as it was worded, but it didn't resonate with me because the reality is, it's actually the antithesis of what caregivers usually do - in essence, many times, the caregiver falls way behind whomever they are caring for - they usually aren't able to even take the time needed for their own lives. So, when you tell caregivers, "stop making it all about you." - it couldn't be farther from the truth.

Mikuro, caring for your child can not be compared to caring for a failing senior.

If you choose not to have children, please do not let it be because of your experience with your mom.

Babies grow and learn and become independent. They bring joy and laughter into your life. Seniors are going in reverse and it can not be compared, no matter what anyone tries to tell you.

I am young and I truly feel I CANNOT handle all the responsibilities that caregiving entails which means I will most likely never have children

We have done a lot of work caring for our mom and she still isn't improving (if anything, she is getting WORSE!) so I believe I need to start taking care of myself and become independant so I can find a partner, job or career, real freedom and autonomy

Very wise and good advice

You say you were college age when you started working for 'Marlene'. That's an adult. What did you think never being allowed to get a night's sleep would be like?
Like so many who are new to caregiving, they bite off more than they can chew. They don't realize what the job entails and more often than not families and clients alike are not honest about how much care someone needs.
You're wrong to be critical of caregivers though. Caregivers saying, 'I can't do this anymore' is exactly the same thing as saying, 'I'm not able to do this anymore because of burnout'. Knit-picking about the language doesn't make any difference because no matter how it's said no one person should ever be 100% responsible for the care of an invalid or a demented elder 24/7 with no respite and help. That creates the conditions for a perfect storm of abuse.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I know what it's like to get burnout. I know what it's like to have client families take advantage and try to get more than they bargained for. Caregivers have to stand up for themselves. So many don't because they can't afford to lose a job.
I remember a client I had. She was elderly, had dementia, and lived with family. Now, I was a friend of this family. Anyway, it was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. No one was coming home. I couldn't reach anyone. The family was going out of town for the holiday, so I called that fam member. She lied and said no one was at her house yet. They were though. This was the plan all along. That they were going to leave after work on Wednedsay and head out of town without telling me they were going, or asking if I'd work. They just dumped grandma on me and left figuring I'd take her to my Thanksgiving.
They sure got a surprise. I waited a couple more hours then called 911 and told the cops they needed to send APS too because a vulnerable elder has been abandoned by her family. After the cops left I did too.
I was a married and we lived in our apartment in the house my in-laws owned so I could afford to lose a job. Some poor person on their own or who has kids to support cannot. So they stay in caregiving positions when they shouldn't. Others are family and are on hard times and their choices are either remain enslaved to the care situation or be homeless. Instead of these people being told the same rhetoric over and over about burnout, maybe find ways to help relieve some of it for them.

I learned how abuse of children happens when my brother and his wife had a drug baby.

I never believed that hitting a child taught them anything, except how to hit.

Then my niece was born. She was a curtain climber, boundary pusher, never happy until she made everyone miserable kind of person from early on.

I saw her parents do things that made me call CPS. I could fully understand how they got pushed, I just couldn't see how they didn't walk away but, they didn't stop doing dope during pregnancy, so yea, I guess I do.

Me, I made her go sit in the bathroom until she could not negatively impinge on everyone else in the house. The bathroom was chosen because it didn't have anything she could destroy. She learned quickly that I could make her more miserable then she could make me, this created a kind of truce when I was around, because it killed her to be separated from the action.

Funkygrandma, I understand where you are coming from and I agree, mostly.

I think that this situation is real, even for people we love. I say this because I have seen mean people get tender loving care from family members that they were never kind to. They seemed to live to destroy the person that stepped in for them. That situation can easily turn into burnout abuse. I have seen these people reduced to shells because they couldn't walk away.

Humans can take only so much before they feel they have nothing to lose and that is a dangerous place to find ones self.

I could take care of my husband, no matter what, because we have love one for another. I would never attempt to do hands on care for my mom, she lives to destroy and I know that she could drive me around then bend and whatever happened happened. So, I think we can love and still be pushed beyond our limits.

In all fairness to those of us that have lived through caregiver "burnout" and continued to give our loved one(s) the best care possible, I believe that because you were so very young while trying to look after someone and go to school at the same time, you just hadn't had enough life experiences yet to know how to cope.
Our coping capabilities come with age(maturity)and with what we've been through in our lives. And while yes, some of us cope with things better than others, I think it's irresponsible to say that just because you may lose your patience with the one you're caring for, that you will end up abusing them in any way.
I cared for my husband for many years, and while I did on occasion lose my patience with him, I never once "abused" him in any way.
And perhaps that's the difference here, as I loved my husband and you had no emotional ties to this person you cared for.
There are many healthy ways to deal with caregiver burnout and the first is to recognize it and then get the help you need( ie. support groups, therapy, exercise, etc.)
I am glad however that you knew enough at your young age to leave the situation before it could have gotten worse.

Your post is full of wisdom. You would have a certain amount of self-awareness to recognize what you did. I wish your post was in Discussions, where such posts, which pertain to so many now and serve as warning for others, will live a longer life. You provide valuable food for thought. We are not so strong as we imagine ourselves to me. The care of the very young and the very old is very difficult; anyone who has seen the desperation of a mother with a baby whose crying will not end, understands how women end in court with charges of "shaken baby syndrome." It has little to do with love or lack of same. It is about being past what we can humanly endure. It is about breaking. I love RR's expression, slipping your knot.

Well said and well done for seeing you were slipping your knot.