Sticking to boundaries re: Christmas Day.

God bless you for doing as much as you’re willing to do with such a difficult situation. Your mom is blessed to have you even if she can’t acknowledge it.
I’ve almost made a post about my sibling and Thanksgiving this year, but it wasn’t caregiving related and would really just have been a rant. But my sibling with lifelong issues (some kind of undiagnosed mental illness) completely invited himself, minus any asking, to my family’s Thanksgiving. Since we lost our last parent he’s had no one to spend the holiday with, his own adult children won’t spend it with him. This year he announced he couldn’t stand to be alone and just showed up. My adult children have done some maturing and were kind about it. When they were growing up they feared him, he’s volatile, rude, and often mean. This time they felt sorry for him. That lasted until he started grilling them with endless questions. It all ended okay though. But what I fear is that he thinks the door is opened now for future holidays. Ugh, it isn’t. He’s one of the two people I went through Boundaries for, and those boundaries have been well enforced. Time to reread the book!
On a separate thought, I’ve listened to my MIL cry “I just want us all to be together” so much that I’ve told my adult children that though I hope they can make it for holidays, if they can’t no problem, their dad and I will go see a movie! I can’t stand whining, even my own!

Eat-pray-love
Think how nice it would be after 22nd, positive, kids, friends.
Just get thru it and enjoy Xmas.

Good idea Beatty! Or maybe rent a nice cabin at a mountain resort? Or I've always wanted to maybe help out at a soup kitchen.

Ideas for next year. :)

Cosy, couch time with a fav person & kitty. How very hygge! Perfect.

Next year, a
How about a cruise instead?

Should read takes off the bag that she covers it with.

Looking back on Christmas's from my childhood what made them special was my mom. She was a widow and worked full time but still managed to create a special day for her seven children. But even having said that I always felt depressed afterward. Due in large part to my siblings. I always felt bullied and attacked by them. Today, same thing but worse since mom is gone now. I continued the farce for a few years after mom died but now no longer feel this need to fake it.

When I contemplate being around my family I don't imagine this happy occasion or think maybe this year will be different. It won't. Everyone will drink too much and not listen to each other and the teasing which I always seem to be the target of will continue. And before anyone says "why don't you call them on it" I have and then I'm just made out to be overly sensitive. My sister who usually hosts Christmas never really just stops and converses with anyone. Her place is like a designer house and she's definitely the hostess with the mostest but it all kind of falls flat in my eyes. Good for her for doing it every year but I always feel like I need to dress to the nines when I'm there and she peers at me like she's counting any new wrinkles I might have. I'm sure one year she grabbed my leg and was feeling it to see how firm it was. With a fractured foot right now I truly am not planning on putting on the ritz. Sweat pants and a dash of lipstick suits me just fine this year. Maybe a Christmasy sweater.

It's just not worth it to me anymore. I enjoy sitting at home with my hubs and enjoying our beautiful tree. We've collected some really cute decorations and I get great joy from just looking at them and being cozy on the couch with him and my kitty.

I admire your boundary setting. They are hard won.

"Always has to circle back around & poke."

Very well described. This is testing your boundaries! Are those walls still there? Are are any little cracks? Poke, poke. If any found - pry them open..

At the risk of poking too.. why do you decorate a tree for Mom?

Holidays can be beautiful or stressful depending upon the circumstances.

Once our children are grown and out of our homes, I feel that it is their decision how they choose to celebrate.

Some people want to start traditions of their own.

My children are always invited home for the holidays. Most years they do celebrate with us at home, but we never insisted that they join us if they have other plans.

So, eatpraylove

You should do what you want to do, not what is expected of you.

Since you have decided to go, setting limits is the only way to go. A couple of days is long enough.

I never understood the idea of going to both parents houses on the same day for the holidays when our children were young.

We always rotated in our family. My parents home for Christmas Eve and my husband’s parents for Christmas Day.

Who can eat two large meals on the same day in two homes? I can’t eat that way. It’s too much food.

I know someone who does the same thing with a pre decorated tree. This is the fastest and easiest way to set up a tree.

The woman that I know even has wheels on the bottom of her tree stand. She literally rolls in out, takes off the back, then after Christmas, rolls it back into her closet.

I don't know how you can spend any time with her. I could not handle it. So as far as I'm concerned, any MINUTE you give her is a HUGE gift.

Eat,

It doesn’t really matter what day you choose to celebrate the holiday.

I think the plan that you have made is brilliant!

Don’t modify it at all and enjoy your holidays with your family and friends.

I would be getting a nice 3 or 4ft tree pre-decorated. Then when Christmas is over, would put a bag over it and put in the corner of a closet till next year. My Aunt did this every year when she got older and placed in her upstairs. Me, I have a 4 ft and have for almost 25 years. Daughter bought a house, moving from an apt. I gave her my 6 ft tree and she gave me her 4ft tree. (Actually, I hate decorating trees)

Gray rock and ear plugs or those headsets that drown out noise completely. Tell her ur listening to Christmas music why u work. I give you lots of credit. I don't do as much for the holidays that I used to but...no appointments are made in the month of December.

Isn't it a shame that people like your Mom can't see themselves. They are not the problem everyone else is. I love the story "The Christmas Carol". Scrooge sees himself from other peoples perspectives and changes for the good. Don't u feel like telling her "Mom, don't you want to be missed when u die" If she says "yes" then you say "it won't happen if you don't make changes." I so wish I had the nerve to tell a friend that. She was a very unhappy person and expected people to do for her and when they didn't she complained. She would assume and then be upset when it didn't work out. Ex: Her grandson was remodeling a double, 2 story house. She said he told her he was moving her into the other half when done. Never happened. I think she hinted to him that she would love to live next door but he had stairs she couldn't do. I think he bought it to live in half and rent out the other. I really don't think a newly married man in his 20s wanted to care for a 65 yr old grandmother with big time health problems and I am sure that was her idea. Of course, she was upset he did not allow her to move in but didn' see where it was even possible. In their own little world.

Yep. Spending the actual Holiday days w/a NPD-Borderline Mom. I put boundaries around that 25 yrs ago. I LOVEEE the Holiday season.. every day of it. I do what I can manage for ME, my Kids..for her/other family. I tell her it's a "season," & to enjoy every day. Not my fault she doesn't have any friends or neighbors or any other family that will see her. PS My Kids have been in agreement re: this, for many years.. She's not the only game in town. She's a pill. PPS Did I mention she is a Hoarder & hasn't lifted a finger to create a memory or aesthetic, my whole life.

Yes, boundaries are a good thing, and it's wonderful that you will be helping your mom and seeing her a few times this month. And I have empathy that she wasn't the best around Christmas past, but most people get a little melancholy and want to see friends/family around Christmas. You do what you are most comfortable doing for the holiday. It seems that Christmas is the most stressful season of the year. Good luck!