What are your thoughts on making final arrangements for your loved ones?

Midkid and jhaldenton,

Preplanning makes things so much easier for the family.

Frank,

I am so sorry for your loss. Planning a funeral after we lose someone is incredibly difficult. I am so glad that you had your son to assist you.

If mother had not pre-paid for her funeral, we would not have had $10K to inherit among the 5 of us.

She always made such a huge deal about the 'inheritance' but $2K isn't going to help anyone much.

As it was, she prepaid for everything,including flowers. Leaving her 'inheritance' intact.

Evidently, she had also left some 'letters' (I know one was for me) and while my YB who was the executor, was SUPPOSED to have given me this letter, he read it and said it would NOT be a good thing. He shredded it and I will never know what she said. Obviously, it wasn't nice.

She wanted the 'no holds barred' funeral, and it was nice, what she wanted. I don't think 100 people came to both the viewing and funeral together. It was a nice service, short and sweet.

After COVID and the resurgence of graveside services, I kind of think that's what I'll opt for. A short service at the cemetery and the interment of the columbariums. The family can go to a dinner at a local restaurant if they want. I don't really care, I won't 'be there'.

My mom recently went and prepaid for her own cremation. She gave me the option of having a service or just taking her ashes "home" and burying them where my dad is buried. I'll more than likely have a small service for her friends and church group that will be at a local non denominational chapel. I'm not having a big funeral and expecting all the family to gather. She has her wishes written down in her funeral plans book along with her will etc.

I'm really glad she has done this because it saved me the grief of planning all that.

I hate funeral homes and I hate funerals. What I really hate is the family drama that comes with funerals and having a service like that. I think covid shifted how we as people feel about funerals. The modern concept of embalming etc comes from the civil war era. It just might be time for that to change.

My wife died last week. Making funeral arrangement with my children was very stressful. Fortunately, my son was able to think logically. He found caskets sold by Costco. He ordered one, it was delivered the next day. It is a very nice coffin and more than $3,000.00 less than similar from the funeral home. I realize they are in business to make a profit but their charges are outrageous. We had pre purchased and paid for our crypts. Even then and with the less expensive coffin the final charges were in excess of $5,000.00. With coffin and crypt total is about $9,000.00. Plan ahead.

Pecan,

That’s wonderful that your church steps in to help. More churches should be charitable when families are in need.

Remember when Betty White died? She didn’t want anything at all. No funeral, no memorial or anything. She didn’t want to interrupt people’s lives.

She was a sweet person.

I want to be cremated too. My husband does too.

My husband was a devout Catholic. His children decided on a simple mass and very brief graveside service. Some at his church thought we should have done more, but his sons didn't care. I plan on cremation. Ashes buried with my husband. We've already got a double headstone and my names on it.

Funeral arrangements for husband and me are prepaid. We have folders with instructions about the ceremonies if our family decides to have them. His is a military commitment service at a national cemetery. Mine will be there too. There won’t be viewing or a ceremony at the church or funeral home. We won’t be entertaining a crowd, as only family and close friends will be invited. We’ll both have an online
memorial that will be on the funeral home website. The military commitment ceremony will be videoed and available to watch on the website afterward. We don’t want people gathering and giving each other Covid. We don’t want anything that lasts more than half an hour. We don’t want to eat and chatter politely after burying our loved one. Funerals aren’t uplifting, we find them depressing. We’ve led wonderful lives, and when it’s done, it’s done.

MJ.

$40,000 is insane! Hey, a party sounds great!

What is it with weddings and funerals costing so much?

My friend’s daughter is a wedding planner. She only does weddings for people who spend a million dollars and up! She makes a fortune planning weddings for the wealthy!

Fortunately, my children know that I believe that when you're dead, you're dead. "Honoring" my remains is less important than the memories I leave behind. They know I want cremation and a good party. Beyond that, it's up to them.

My husband is a devout Catholic. I am not. Our children are not. He hasn't expressed his desires, so should he predecease me, I can't say what we'll do. After watching his mother spend upward of $40,000 on his dad's funeral, I can guarantee that isn't going to happen, no matter what.

Write down your wishes, is all I can say, and be prepared to finance them if you want them followed.

Stacy,

Some people take grudges to their graves. It’s ridiculous!

My husband’s grandmother was like that. She wrote hate mail to everyone as she was dying in the hospital!

Most people want to make peace before leaving this planet. Others will be nasty until the bitter end.

I’m sorry that you experienced hatred from Gert. I don’t blame you for wanting it all behind you.

I’d opt for a “green burial” in a plain pine box, or do the “human composting” thing I read about in the NYT the other day. ANYTHING rather than pay thousands to those oily, creepy funeral home people who want to sell a $15,000 steel coffin to be put in a cement vault…and why? So the worms can’t get in? Like the dead person cares!

I am sure my sentimental sister will want the whole nine yards of overpriced, fancy, flowery nonsense when our mother finally goes, and if there is any of HER money left to pay for all that commercial folderol, fine. But not one cent of MY money is going to such a ripoff industry.

Everyone should read “The American Way of Death” by Jessica Mitford.

My mom set hers up after my eldest brother died this past January. There is even the payment for the limo that's going to take me around as my hubby and I dont drive. she likes tying things up neatly

Daughter,

Very interesting points!

You’re absolutely correct when saying that Covid changed how things were handled.

Personally, Covid or not, I like the scaling back.

I remember as a child that these things went on for two days! On the first day, the wake was held during the evening hours at the funeral home.

The next day, the service was held at the church, followed by more prayers at the cemetery before the burial. Dragging it out made it harder on the family.

Later on, everything was held on the same day in the funeral home, which made a lot more sense to me. Clergy started going to funeral homes for the service. Some funeral homes have lovely chapels.

Some people decide to have everything at their church. This is a good option too. The cremains with a photo of the deceased or a viewing of the body can be limited to a couple of hours.

I don’t think it is necessary to have these long drawn out funerals. Keep it simple!

Notgoodenough,

I agree that with your thoughts!

Good for you, Frank! Glad that you are planning ahead.

My parents had what they fully believed to be prepaid final expenses, including funeral, burial, all of it. Mom died years before dad, and there were additional “fees” dad had to pay for her burial. When I handled dad’s completely paid for plan, once again, there were “fees” added, no amount of discussion would change the leeches at the funeral home/cemetery. They all gave off such a sleazy vibe, I honestly just wanted to get away from them as quickly as possible. Those insincere condolences and smarmy smiles, ugh! What a business, I know someone has to do it, but it’s one ripe for overhaul. I’m still glad my parents had the foresight to pre plan and pay for the bulk of it. For my dad’s funeral, there is no doubt it was much less than what he’d have wanted. Very quick outdoor service with no visit or reception time. That was due to being in the prime of Covid and people being so wary of gathering. Many stayed away entirely as it was. I’m at peace with it, after all dad wasn’t there, and I did the best I could given the circumstances.
We have not planned or paid for our funerals, the money is there, and our adult children well know our beliefs that less is more, far less. Less funeral, less expense, less creepy funeral home people!

Interesting questions, NHWM!

"How important do you feel it is to honor last wishes of your family members?"

That all depends on the last wishes, and how able you are to navigate them. Last wish is a particular hymn played at your funeral? No problem. Last wish is that the New York Philharmonic Orchestra accompany that hymn? Nope, not gonna even try to jump through those hoops.


"Have you planned for your own final arrangements?"

I have not. My only "plan" is to leave enough money so whoever survives me can pay for a service/remembrance that brings THEM comfort. I will be beyond caring.


"Should family members pay for their loved ones final arrangements if they can’t afford it?"

No. To what point and purpose? To spend the entire already stressful time stressing money issues?


"Should money be reserved for the person’s care or the funeral and burial arrangements?"

Absolutely on care. I would hope I raised my kids to be pragmatic and practical enough to make that decision without even a second's thought.

Good points. Paying down assets to qualify for medicade is often a "must". Law allows the money to be spent on final expenses. I'm in the middle of doing that right now.

This topic comes up from time to time on AgingCare. Please share your thoughts.