Here's how selfish, stubborn old people think that may help others not spend all day wondering why their parents are so difficult.

Bobcat you always have a choice. You can place her in a nursing home. And yes your mom is ruining your health which may kill you. The fact that your mother doesn't care means only you can take care of yourself and do what you can to preserve your own health.

I'm so glad you posted. Thank you! I have care for my Mom for in my home. I. Have no life. I have to dress her take her to the bathroom. I am so tired. She said my daughter is angry with her because she thinks my Mom is killing me. My Mom said I know i am. But nothing I can do about it.

I think the thing that gets us the most is the false guilt that people try to place on others when dealing with elderly or disabled people. There is a such thing as rights. The first step is to learn how not to jump at every little thing when dealing with these people. Too much attention is bad. We must to learn to draw a balance between caring for loved ones and taking care of ourselves. I say, take care of yourself first. When you get in a habit of running at the first inclination of imagined trouble or allowing people to take center stage, this is where we get high-jacked. Our self care goes down the tubes.

People get old and death follows. This is a fact of life. Sure, we can make sure people are looked after and needs are being taken care of, but we can't worry about this type of thing twenty-four seven.

There was an old saying years ago that said; to whom much is given, much is expected. I don't know who said this, but it is the truth. LOL

As for the aunt calling late and screaming and yelling, her call would have gone directly to voice mail. Learn to start ignoring things.

As quiet as it is kept, you cannot watch people twenty-four seven. If this is the case, hire someone or get them in a assisted living or nursing home.

I agree with Bridget about not having to answer every phone call.

I remember how my parents jumped up to answer every single phone call in fear of missing ‘something important.’

I have never done that. If I am in the kitchen cooking or working on a project, I do not feel obligated to jump up to answer the phone. If something is urgent, they will call back.

We can go overboard with these things and it will create unnecessary anxiety.

Hi Read Maximus1 - my issues and maybe you'll feel better. My parents are the best parents in the world, and I don't even care for them full time BUT....Hugs

Golly, did you EVER like them?
Were they cruel to you when you were a child, and if so why have you continued contact at all with them as an adult?
Have you saw gently and calmly and discussed how you feel, giving them the examples you gave us, and telling them that you can't continue and you are sorry but must limit contact now to emergencies?
Have you considered setting and keeping boundaries?
I don't know. I DO understand that I had likely the best parents in the world given what I hear sometimes. And I TRY to be the least needy out there, following in their footsteps; at 80 I am (luckily) so far happy and well, and able, and do not put things at all on my kids, who don't live here anyway.
You might want to consider counseling with a Licensed Social Worker for a few hours to get help setting up boundaries, speaking about your perhaps enabling poor behavior with the parents by doing stuff, then being angry after, and etc. I suggest social workers in private practice more than psychologists because so often today the former suggests one pill in the morning for your depression, and because there isn't a whole lot of discussion about the past; it's more about how to deal with the NOW. But you may see patterns that formed or were/are forming.
Sure wish you the best. You seem to have tipped into some level of anger that makes you want to condemn everyone. I know that there are days we 80 year olds could write a "kids today!!!!!!" post, but for now, ha ha, I will refrain.

Not answering the phone is their right IMO. If they don't want to be bothered, they don't have to answer.

You just gave me a thought in the opposite direction.

I have 2 MacBook's in the house, an Apple Watch, an iPhone, an iPad, several Home Pods all of which I can answer the phone with.

Now, if I only had one phone, and it was downstairs, or in the car, maybe the phone calls would turn into voice mail and it would be less annoying. Or he'd just call again and again.....

Have you had their hearing(s) checked? Nowadays, the hearing aids can be blue toothed! I often leave my phone in one room and then walk away to another part the of the house.........unless I have pockets available, I often just leave it. I also get a ton of spam calls, so I don't run to the phone (not that I can run anymore). Perhaps they can try watches that have cell phones in them?

I hear ya. I am caring for my husband who has always been and still is narcissistic and it's all about him and what he needs and wants. I find myself spending most of my free time (in-between care times) by myself away from him. I despise having to care for his incontinence issues.
I have made up my mind that I will not do this much longer - let him drain me and me not have a life after retiring in September.

I think this is about more than phone calls.

How many times have we called others and they didn’t answer their phone immediately? Or how many phone calls have we received that we didn’t answer right away?

Like FF says, not everyone jumps up immediately to answer every phone call. They are old! They aren’t going to be fast.

It’s natural to become stressed out and perhaps subconsciously you are focusing on certain situations more often than you should be.

You started off your post with a list of things that you have done. Maybe all of these things are adding up and you feel a bit overwhelmed.

How often do you check on them? How often are you doing things for them? Do you have any time for yourself to do something fun? Something totally unrelated to caregiving? Everyone needs a physical and mental break.

Wishing you all the best.

heres what i learned from my mom. i wrote it down cause idk if she'll ever admit it again ;)

"I realize I am being unfair", she says. "I am.. I'm expecting more from a daughter than I do from my sons. Because that's what I had to do. I took care of my mother. And I was so happy when I had a daughter. So happy. But I am expecting too much. I understand now."

Try only freaking out if they don’t answer the phone for two days. If it’s just one evening, let it go. Less stress for everyone

Keep in mind that this will come to us all. We too will not recognize our declines.

My mother vowed not to be stubborn about getting hearing aids when her time would come to need them, because her father had been adamant his hearing was fine. As it turned out, she finally got them when my brother simply refused to speak to her anymore. It was childish on both their parts, but it finally moved her to make a change. All memory of her battles with her own dad were forgotten.

Your parents want to be independent. By and large it sounds like they are. It isn't up to your standards perhaps, but your job only to ensure they're safe, fed, and have a roof over their heads.

Stop trying to bend them to your will, and the whole relationship might improve.

I looked back on a previous post. Parents are 83 and 84 with health problems. I know the frustration. Not with my parents but with a disabled nephew. He lived with my Mom from 18 till she entered care when he was 26. He could live alone and did for a year till my grandson moved in with him. Nephew is a hoarder of the weirdest things. Plastic bags for one. I gave him a plastic trash can to put them in. Still found them on the floor. A kitchen size trash can in his sitting area. He never emptied it. The main trash can was in the mud room for his convenience. He has a bike and a stationary bike he got to exercise with and does not use either. Now his apt has bags and Amazon boxes all over. He has lived in his apt for 4 years. I have been there 1x since his initial move in, when he was in the hospital. I cleaned out the bags and boxes. No, I do not enable/disable him. He has a disability that makes it hard for him to walk distances without huffing and puffing. So I try to make keeping his area clean by making it easy to do so. He is still responsible for cleaning and taking his trash out.

Yes, he is frustrating and I get a tightness in my chest when I enter his apt so I stopped entering it. I also don't worry about it anymore. If APS came in, I would be told he can live the way he wants.

I'm glad you posted this. It's a testament to the frustration of "we can't do everything."

On the other hand, why expect them to pick up the phone every time someone calls? Maybe they're taking a bath, eating dinner or (gasp) having sex. There are perfectly good reasons for not answering the phone.

We have this exact thing with my MIL.

She can't hear her phone or doorbell. Her TV (when on) is turned up so loud she cannot hear anything. DH has said that multiple times he's gone to check on her and he has to use his house key to 'break in' and finds her sound asleep in the kitchen in her recliner, TV blaring and about 10 messages on the answering machine.

He and SIL insist she wear her fall pendant if she refuses to wear her hearing aids and at least check the phone a couple times a day to see if someone has called.

We all live far enough away that when she falls, the FD always gets there before one of the kids do. She's embarrassed, but not badly enough to remember to wear the pendant, answer the phone or door....or wear her hearing aids. (DH has the same deficit in his hearing and he also refuses to wear HA's. I dread how he is getting worse without those!)

She's had quite a few falls, but only one has landed her in the hospital. She NEEDS to be in an AL, but since she is very anti-social and stubborn, she will never willingly move to one. She recently told DH that she wants 'grab bars' installed all around her house. He said "I'll happily find you an assisted living place, mom, but I WILL NOT put grab bars all over the house so you can stay living alone." Right now she will not use a walker for stability, she shoves a kitchen chair in front of her.

DH told her that made her look completely demented, since there sits a perfectly nice rollator which would help a lot more than a kitchen chair. But she doesn't want to look "old". She's 92.

I had this problem with my aunt and my father. She would call and he didn't answer. So she would call me frantic that something was wrong and want me to go and check on him. A 20 mile drive for me. I would call him and he would pick up. He didn't hear the phone the first time and I knew that was the issue. I told my aunt she needed to call him. But if he didn't answer on the first try call back right away to give him time to hear it and get there. So what does she do? She called him. The waited an hour and called back. Then called me frantic that he didn't answer the phone. You can't make this stuff up. All this drama over nothing.

I think you should tell your Aunt to call APS, as you did last week.

AND y'all should take a giant step back and stop "doing" for them.

peanuttyxx, sometimes "selfish stubborn" old people are really just not being able to do things for themselves like they could decades ago. We have to put ourselves into their shoes to see life from their side.

As for not answering the telephone, remember they can't jump out of their chairs to catch the last ring on the phone. I know I can't, or I am in the middle of using the bathroom, in the basement with laundry, or out in the yard. Whomever calls needs to leave a voice mail. If it is urgent, I will call back.

It feels like both your and your Aunt are making it stressful. There will be a time that your parents will need either at-home caregivers or to move to a senior facility. Right now, let them be the adults in their own home. Older folks are very resourceful :)