Not good to yell at the elderly. Do others frequently find themselves defending a parent?

Question

I have posted on here over a couple years. Usually when I am upset and confused and not sure what to do. I do this because I have no one to talk to in my life aside from my mom, who I take care of 24/7 for past 14 years. This is another one of those times.

My mom is 85 and handicapped from a car accident in 2008. Everyday is a struggle for her to just get up. She recently recovered from a bad fall 8 weeks ago.

Today was the first day she has left the house, other than 3 doctors appointments the first weeks after she fell.

We went to lunch with my older brother, his wife and kids. My mom said something about a Christmas card she thought was inappropriate from my brother's wife's sister. My brother's wife was angry at my mom. The whole lunch was almost dead at that point but, everyone pushed through.

Apparently on the way back here to my mom's where we planned on exchanging Christmas presents, my brother and his wife got in a big fight in their car. Mom and I were in my car.

When we got home and inside, all of a sudden my brother starts yelling at my mom, cursing at her and unloaded on her. It was loud, screaming, angry cursing. He was complaining about taking my mom, his daughter and I to Brooklyn to see where my mom grew up 8 months ago, saying she forced him and he didn't want to go. He was complaining about my mom saying she was going to help out on rent for his daughter's apartment in Boston for graduate school, but never did, and now he is out $30,000 and his daughter didn't go to the school she wanted to because of my mom. He was complaining about what my mom said at lunch. I did not think it was a horrible thing, just an opinion, that had nothing to do with them.

Then we are suppose to exchange presents but, my mom is crying and begging them to forgive her? My mom did nothing wrong. My mom lives on social security and any money she had is dwindling away fast. She got hit with $11,000 teeth repairs, $6000 new furnace, $1200 fence repair, $2400 tree services all around the same time over the summer.

Whereas my brothers wife makes at least $400,000 a year in a high up position in major phrama (and has been with them since 1987).

He doesn't understand, and his wife doesn't understand. Mom is elderly. Mom has headaches and chest pains. Mom is physically weak, tiredo, forgets things, and if yelled at, her head loses some juice (if that is the way to put it).

After they left and my mom went up to bed, I went to check on her after about 45 minutes. She thought it was morning already. I think it was the sheer mental stress of of being cursed at and yelled at for 20 minutes by my brother.

I don't know what to do. I think I have to go to a psychologist clinical social worker and talk about things.

My mom doesn't have long left in life. If she says something you don't like, you got to let it go right away, roll right off your back.

My whole job here is to make sure she is happy and has everything she needs, keep her as active as possible both physically and mentally.

I left the house because I was so upset at what my brother did. Probably egged on by his wife.

They shouldn't bring there problems here in that manner. My mom doesn't deserve it and cannot take it. And I can't take it.

All I want is peace and quiet in life. My mom has spent her life caring about her 3 sons, helping them anyway she can, and doing nice things for everyone.

Now she is elderly, and tired. My brother needs to understand that.

It is a good thing I do not drink or anything. Who knows what I might have done to defend mom.

BarbBrooklyn · Accepted Answer

James, I think you're okay AND I think it would be wise to see a therapist.

I see a therapist weekly. I come from a pretty functional family, have a pretty happy marriage, but therapy helps me see behaviors and thought patterns that are a bit broken. It helps. Enormously.

JamesG4Justice · Answer

Sadinroanokeva and NeedHelpWithMom, yep, she is too old now for yelling. We kids are too old to act out like that too. My brother turns 59 in April, been married for like 33 years. My father, never yelled at anyone over anything. Not at my mom, not at us kids, not at his mother. His mother lived like 6-8 hours away in upstate NY. But he called her a lot and visited. My mom never stopped him from those things. And my parents let us live our lives and find our way, do what we wanted. By highschool age we had the freedom to find ourselves. And my parents supported anything we liked as best they could without ordering us around. My brothers wife controls her kids with an iron fist their whole lives. His son who is a junior in college wants to run at the park, my brother got to go watch him. Their whole family system is messed up in my opinion. But I say live and let live, it has nothing to do with us.

And you are right. I think if someone you like and love and all that, especially your 85 year old mother and mother in law, if they say something that may be odd once in a while, you got to let it go at the moment, forever, because the whole thing at that point in life is to make the person as comfortable and happy as possible, because you like the person , love the person. Apparently none of them actually like or love my mom. My mom is getting too old to really think about any of this. She has long realized she does not have long in life. Her struggles are daily, and I help her everyday.

I am disturbed about it all and that is why I am thinking about seeing the social worker therapist. People on here said I am OK, but if I can't stop thinking about it, then I am not 100 percent OK.

NeedHelpWithMom · Answer

I’m so sorry, James.

I wouldn’t want your brother or his wife near your mom. She doesn’t deserve that, nor do you.

Sadinroanokeva · Answer

Yelling at an elderly person is verbal abuse!!! If your brother can not talk calmly he needs stay away!

JamesG4Justice · Answer

Again, his wife abuses and belittle him everyday, all day for at least the past 15 years. They been married over 30 years. He doesn't d drugs or drink, or anything. he never cused trouble or been in trouble with anything in his life. You couldn't find a more straight laced person. It is his wife. She is a sick person who wants complete control to the point of abuse ovr everyone, her kids, her husband, what they do, who they talk to to, everything. Every aspect of their lives. She wanted him to yell at my mom and he was forced to do it.

ladybuglake817 · Answer

that sounds like Elder Abuse to me. Protect her from brother and his wife, by not exposing her, if he is always like this. He sounds entitled. Does he have an income? Does he abuse substances?
Tell Mom, she is past the years of taking care of him, and if they did not like her christmas card, she does not have to send one.
People lose their abilities, and he is insensitive to this. I am glad you are there for her. With all of the income, he should help in her support! His daughter should pay for her own school.
Mom worked hard raising kids, and she does not need his angry outbursts in the few years she has left. Your love will help her through her valuable time she has.

JamesG4Justice · Answer

JoAnn29, My brother wasn't mad at his my mother, he was and is desperate to get his wife to stop abusing him. After he finished yelling at my mom he turned to her and said "are you happy now?" When my brother and wife went outside after that, their 2 kids told us their parents had a big fight in the car about standing up to my mom. As far as the money goes, my mom gave each of her 4 grandchildren, 2 of each of my brothers, $50,000 towards college, the 2 in Florida are still in HS, that money been earning interest for 13 years. When this grand daughter decided to go to the city of Boston for graduate school she kept calling asking for money, my mom said she might be able to help a little with an apartment. But her first year there because of the pandemic, all first year grad students had to do the classes from the computer. No need to get an apartment in Boston, so she lived at hom in NJ and did classes, there was no housing costs. Then my mom got hit with like $20,000 in unexpected expenses this past summer. Listen, my brothers wife makes like 400k a year, stock options, millions in 401k and pension, the full boat. They are loaded, my mom lives on social security as she dwindles down her savings to til the end of life, little by little. But my brother was also screaming about taking us to Brooklyn to see where my mom grew up, and that my mom took his manhood because he couldn't say NO to that. It is all nonsense. All of it. Everything he was screaming about and cursing my mom out about was wrong and nonsense. He had to do it for his wife's benefit. I am done with them all. I hope my mom cuts him out of the will now. My younger brother is a lot wealthier than my older brother and his wife, and a lot smarter, and a lot more calm and reasonable. He should be the sole executor, and I get the house and reverse mortgage it to pay him off on his portion. And put the rest in the account to cover property taxes and basic water sewer electric heat, and my SS to cover food and whatnot, for the rest of my life. He already told my mom that is a good idea. I thought of.

JoAnn29 · Answer

Your brother needs to apologize to your Mom. If she did say she would help with granddaughters housing, things change. She is 85 and even if not Dementia, there is age decline. The elderly do loose their filters or just don't care what they say. She was just making a comment. I agree, girls clad sexually is not for a Christmas card.

I agree, brother was mad at his wife and took it out on Mom. Me, I would have just have thought it was just an elderly woman making a statement and would have ignored it.

Maybe it would help to write brother an email. If Mom has some Dementia then tell him that and because of that what pops in her head pops out of her mouth. Its called losing her filter. That she is only on SS and thats not much. That any savings she had has dwindled because "She got hit with $11,000 teeth repairs, $6000 new furnace, $1200 fence repair, $2400 tree services all around the same time over the summer."

Then say that remember how she and Dad were always there for their sons. That she did not deserve to be talked to like she was because of a comment about a Christmas card. She only stated the truth, they looked sexy. Add whatever you want but don't make accusations. "You shouldn't have talked to Mom that way" You want to make him feel guilty. Accusing him would only make him madder.

One thing about Dementia is they forget. If she has, an apology may not be needed but she may enjoy a nice bouquet of flowers. I don't see why u need therapy for this. U didn't do this to Mom your brother and SIL did. You just be there for Mom. You love her and hug her. If your brother is not able to overlook her comments, then he should not see her. But I think his frustration was with his wife not ur Mom.

JamesG4Justice · Answer

Wemade a whole frozen turkey today we got round thanksgiving, 2 large sweet potatoes, and stuffing. Mom was able to do some of it. We just ate and I washed everything up. I saw her starting to cry though a few minutes ago. Usually she is great in the mornings. Then sits at the kitchen table til after lunch, then moves into the family room and puts on a heart warming hallmark movie for the rest of the afternoon. I sit in here on the computer or take a nap, then come down and see what she needs before she goes up to bed at 6 PM. I was up all night last night pretty much. Went to bed around 1 or 2, and did not really fall asleep til like 5 AM for a couple hours. I am now overtired. What my brother did affected me as much as my mom.

lealonnie1 · Answer

So your mom is doing okay today James? Please do update us with that information!

JamesG4Justice · Answer

It is all a manipulation game within their family. The wife controls my brother and the 2 kids. She even put a tracking device sewed into my nephews back pack at college so she would always know where he is. My neice could of went anywhere she wanted for graduate school. Her mother wanted her to go somewhere else, not Boston, so my brothers wife blame my mom for that. It is not mom's fault. My parents sold old stock certificates they had from my grandfather to send my brother to NYU. No student loan. This was Fall of 1982. He went all 4 years , full tuition and housing was paid by my parents, and he failed to get a grade in even one class. He blew it. He had something psychological going on I guess. He was smart. But that was 40 years ago. This is now. He has his own family. And his wife can't stand my mother is close to her grandchildren and tries to be close to my brother. So she picked a fight yesterday. But normally I would say whoopdedamdoo, except she didnt pick a fight with a 40 year old woman, she started a bad incident with an elderly 85 year old woman, who lovesthem all. Any why? Causeshe wants to control everyone and everything. I hope to never see any of them again now. My mom said this morning she gonna have my younger brother fly up from Florida and me , him, and her sit down, and go over everything with the Will and the future. My mom wants to make sure I'm not living under the boardwalk in Atlantic City after she dies.

freqflyer · Answer

JamesG4Justice, if I remember correctly your Mom has been almost bedbound for many years due to struggles she had physically after a bad car accident and numerous falls. Now the first time in such a long time that your Mom was able to get out of the house, you would think the rest of the family would have been so happy to see your Mom.

Regarding the Christmas card, I probably would have thought the way your Mom did. It just my generation. And who knows, maybe your brother thought it also was inappropriate for his daughters to dress that way for a Christmas card but didn't want to say anything. What father wants his daughters to dress like that? Then everything exploded.

Believe I know the disagreements regarding children's college education. We are going through that now with one grand-daughter who started college. It is so important to get everything in writing. Right now everyone is pointed at each other on who is going to pay for her education.

JamesG4Justice · Answer

BarbBrooklyn. Well, he lost his job that he loved for many years, writing his own scripts and going around to schools and malls with a robot, putting on drug awareness shows for a major amusement park company. They did away with the program and cut him out. Then he had to stay home and take care of the first baby. Then the 2nd baby who had issues. He actually has won every school board election for the past 20 years, even served as president a couple years on it. So he does that. Tons of meetings all the time for it. Now that his daughter is graduating graduate school this spring, and his son a junior in college , both live away at school, he should get a job probably. I think his wife resents him for not getting a job. Not sure. Its not like I talk to them about anything personal, either of them. Both the kids were here yesterday too, and I think they are scared to death of their mother, wont contradict her on anything. His wife makes a lot of money, big money, at a major pharma she been with since 1986 started as an internship.

Countrymouse · Answer

About the Christmas card photo issue - so difficult to describe tone of voice in writing, isn't it, is the thing. Let alone to describe what one person means by her tone of voice and what the hearer thinks she means.

Of *course* we all know that if somebody sends you a photograph of family children you keep your opinion to yourself even if you have to swallow your own tongue to do it. I have been guilty of the occasional re-echoing silence on that score, which is still awkward but not nearly as bad as saying "oh my goodness, what, um," and then breaking down altogether or risking a Freudian slip.

Sounds to me like this particular flare up had bugger all to do with the photo and more to do with the principle that if somebody is thoughtful enough to send you a Christmas card you praise their kindness and leave it there. Critiqueing the card - bad move. But in any case I don't think the card was it, either. Sounds like familychristmasitis to me, a seasonal condition that has led to much worse results before now.

He shouldn't yell at your mother. I expect he already knew that, though.

Countrymouse · Answer

Oh *dear* :(

I'm so sorry this happened. How is she now?

BarbBrooklyn · Answer

It sounds like your brother was yelling the stuff at mom that he wants to yell at his wife.

Why doesn't he work?

JamesG4Justice · Answer

That's another thing my brother was screaming at my mom . He said "you took my manhood away" the part where he was screaming about taking mom and me and his daughter to Brooklyn in April. That is probably what his wife told him. I think you do things in life for your mother, for anyone, even if you don't want to. It is not about giving up your manhood because you didnt say no. My mother and father did everything for my me and my brothers, there entire lives were for us, dedicated to us. My mom grew up in Williamsburg Brooklyn and lived there from 1938 - 1963. That is when she met my dad and they got married and had 3 kids. My mom has fond memories of growing up there. So she want to go see the apartment house she grew up in next to Peter Luger's Steakhouse, have lunch there, and show us where she set up her comic book stand, and tell us stories. Wasn't like she was asking him to die for her. But to be screaming his head off cursing today, about last April I think is kind of insane. He should have said his wife doesnt want him to go. Maybe I could have drove her, just ourselves. But why is he screaming "you took away my manhood" over that. I think you are right, his yelling shows he is in a terrible position.

Isthisrealyreal · Answer

At least mom said sexy and not slutty. She could have thought it was an advertisement for a whorehouse and said so. The 80+ women in my circles wouldn't hesitate to call that out and put it down. They aren't use to women dressing provocately in photos or around them, it is a respect thing and they do not hesitate to let younger generations know the error of their ways. My granny would have given your sil and bro strokes if they got so upset about what your mom said, because all 4 of mine would have said the above.

Your brother doesn't have any man parts, proved by everything you have shared. Next time just call the police and have him arrested for attacking a vulnerable senior. Your mom and you DO NOT need to accept any kind of abuse, ever, from anyone, especially her 70s housewife son.

JamesG4Justice · Answer

Actually, to call 911 I have to go to our municipal court here an ask them to reopen a case from like 12 years ago where the judge ordered me to never call 911 or the police again in my life. I would have to explain the situation as it is now to the prosecutor to get her to agree to the judge to change the sentence. But that is a whole other story.

lealonnie1 · Answer

I think she'll be ok James....maybe she'll forget all about the altercation, hopefully. Check on her periodically tonight and call 911 if you think something isn't right with her, okay?

JamesG4Justice · Answer

I wont be able to get much sleep tonight. I am worried my mom is going to wake up and not know who she is. Or not wake up at all. It is very stressful for an elderly person, a 85 year old mom and grand mom, all she wanted to do was have them come over to change Christmas presents after the lunch. My mom doesnt know how old the girls are even, they arent little though. We dont socialize with them. We seen my brother's wife's family at communions, confirmations, graduations, stuff like that. Nothing more. She is old, She has to write things down to remember things. She forgot at least half her life. She can't remember things. I'm worried incidents like this cause damage to her brain. Maybe I will go talk to someone.

lealonnie1 · Answer

Ok, I was just praying the daughters were not 13 or something. I'm with you James. Dressing up in revealing clothes means they WANT to look sexy. Then your sister in law freaks out when mom says what's obvious? She was looking for a fight. Egging your brother on, like you said, most likely. He's in the wrong and should've let it go and not yelled at mom, obviously. He's probably miserable in his marriage like you said, a REAL mess 😑.

I don't even see where mom's comment was bad! Or that the Christmas card was appropriate for petesake. My cousin in Staten island is always going berserk sending out over the top professional photo cards that are ridiculous, imo. Always trying to outdo the Joneses and one up everyone. People should keep in mind the reason for the season to begin with.

If possible, can you let this go? If not, def talk to someone so you can get some coping mechanisms in place to help you and help mom with all this stress. That may be best. Don't blame yourself for anything here...its on your bro and SIL in my opinion.

JamesG4Justice · Answer

I think 2 are college age, one still in high school, one might be out of college. In some circles saying a girl looks sexy is a compliment, especially if they are doing all the make up and wearing sexy clothes, in order to look sexy, no? But it was ot a conversation about that card or anything, my mom just said the girls looked sexy in the photo. I think if she said they looked ugly, that would have been a nasty terrible comment. Should I go to a clinical social worker? Am I wrong? But I didnt say anything, I sat their silent. Then when my brother whaled into my mom, I could not take it, and left the house, drove up to the park for an hour, smoked 10 cigarettes, and came back. My mom is very fragile, vulnerable, cant do almost anything for herself. And has been such a kind person person her whole life, generous with her time and money, loving and caring, thoughtful maybe to a fault, but never mean to anyone. Even if it was a bad comment, you got to let it go, no?

lealonnie1 · Answer

How old were these daughters wearing very revealing low cut dresses?

JamesG4Justice · Answer

It his wife. I think he is in a terrible marriage. They should probably get divorced. His wife picks on him constantly, and degrades him, and bosses him around, and has been telling him to stand up to my mother. My brother never caused anyone trouble, or got in trouble, his entire life. I was the middle child, I was the problem son of the 3. I think his wife hates him because he hasn't worked in like 20 years. She is the bread winner, making big money. His job has been to take care of the kids and work on the house, He does all the cooking, cleaning, fixing, everything. He is like the 1970's housewife. If that makes sense. But none of it has anything to do with me or my mom. His wife got mad today at my mom, then at my brother for not saying anything. Tell me what you think about the card comment. MY brother's wife's sister sent my mom a christmas card with made with a photo of he 3 daughters dressed in very revealing low cut dresses. Personally I think it wasnt really appropriate for a christmas card, but I think live and let live, who cares. So we were talking about Christmas cards at the restaurant and my mom says the girls looked sexy. My brothers wife freaked. I looked at it for a second, they are beautiful girls, and the clothes they were wearing were over the top. It is not like a 45 year old man is saying the girls are sexy, it was a 85 year old elderly woman, who just had an opinion. They said it was rude, bad, terrible, hurtful comment. But I just think even if you think it was a nasty comment, you shrug it off. You don't start a major fight with your husband in the car, them come in our house and have him yell his head off cursing at an 85 year old woman, who could have a stroke or a heart attack, of brain whatever distress. That is elderly abuse. You got to let it go, no?

lealonnie1 · Answer

Your brother probably has quite a bit of built up resentment towards his mother, and much of it may very well be justified. Sounds like her card comment at lunch may have been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Many mothers have a way of pushing their childs buttons in JUST such a way that may escape others notice, but hit the precise sore spot it was intended to hit with the child. Did your mom do that to your brother, thus inciting his wrath? I have no idea, and neither do you.

The issues that exist are between your brother, his wife and your mother, however, and have nothing to do with you. You cannot possibly insulate her from the blows of life she may yet face, which include more harsh words from her son. You can, however, choose not to bring her out again in the company of your brother and his wife if you foresee another incident like this occurring. You can also avoid having these 2 at your home for that same reason, I suppose. But if tempers are quick to flare in your family history, you really can't do THAT much to prevent it from ever happening again.

The human body and spirit is stronger than you realize. Your mom will likely bounce back from this incident and be back to her old self pretty quickly, that's my guess. The old New Yorkers (as my family are) are volatile and passionate folks as a rule, but we're very TOUGH too! 😁 It'll take a lot more than a tongue lashing from a snotty son to take US down.

You are a good and caring son to your mom. You can't fix your brother or make him understand anything, most likely. Maybe when he calms down, you can talk to him and let him know how disoriented mom was after he verbally assaulted her. Maybe it'll sink in, maybe it won't.

Give mom an extra hug and kiss tonight and know that YOU'VE done your best, which is all you can be responsible for.

Caldinea · Answer

Why do I get the feeling she used to fish that brother's *** out of the fire when he was younger? I have a brother the same way and the worst part is the usual tactic in our family is to just b**** and whinge about them, and I can't do it about THAT brother, because welp he's been "sick all his life". So if I start ranting I have to make sure I end with, "Well, there's nothing we can do about it anyway. He's *not well*." otherwise my mom gets upset.

It's like what the heck. "She may be your mother but you're not a child anymore, grow up, its not her job to save you anymore" sounds like somethign he needs to hear.

ConnieCaretaker · Answer

Do you have Power of Attorney? Can you get your brother and sister in-law trespassed?

Yes, an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist can guide you and even offer medication. Also, please make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to make sure all legal documents are in order.

Not good to yell at the elderly. Do others frequently find themselves defending a parent?

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