Thank you all for your responses. In answer to them, I think at 94 and suffering with the physical ailments that he has, dad has been heroic and he has told us that he is done. They love each other and have been together since they were 15 and 19. It is very hard to turn someone out of their own home when they do not understand and see it as betrayal. It is very difficult to separate them as dad will likely pass once he doesn't have Mom to care for.
We did find a dementia center in Shrewsberry, NJ near where they live and we are hopeful that we can get her to respite care there for a week or two while we move her stuff.
One person asked why move her into your home. Yes, I am 66, but we are very loyal to each other. She is not anywhere near as nasty to me as she is to dad. That might change when she gets here. I will try and find out. I know she doesn't mean it and can't help it. We do have her and dad on a list for a nursing care facility nearby me for if it comes to that. We will try this first though. Thank you for thinking of me. I am sure its because of your own experience that you are warning me, and I thank you. The family doesn't want her in a home where they can lock it down and you have not access to seeing what their care is. I will be able to get help in, and that should help.
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?
-Are you able to help with bathing daily? What if she fights you on it?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into a nursing home fast?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Families here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
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My mother lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life and was cared for beautifully by "her girls" who were never too tired or burned out to deal with her antics. I visited whenever I wanted to, and it all worked out well in the end. I'm not Superwoman, admittedly, and mom alone was wayyy more than I could handle with no medical background. We were always loyal to one another as well.....placing a loved one in Memory Care has not a single thing to do with "loyalty" but with reality and how much one human can bear at 66. People think dementia is no biggie, then wind up learning just how big a deal it truly is in pretty short order. Read the posts here, that's your best bet.
In the meantime, best of luck with your endeavor to care for both of your parents at home. For some people, it works out just fine....the elders mostly, rarely for the exhausted caregiver. Those are the posts this forum is dedicated to, mostly. I hope you are in the group where everything works out for everybody.
Hopefully you won't have an issue with your Mom trying to leave your house at all hours of the day. If she does, I have heard that placing a black throw rug in front of the door will help, as someone with dementia will think it is a large hole in the floor.
Hope the move to your house will be a smooth one, and your Mom adjust quickly.