Moved my mom into assisted living almost two months ago and she ended up thanking me a few weeks later and told me that I was right.

“She’s being taken care of where she is at so there’s no need for the calls and constant questions about my husbands life/what he’s doing.”

She’s lonely, misses him. The questions are just excuses to talk. I understand it stresses you/DH out. I can also understand that she’s lonely and wants to constantly call family. (We might even do the same if one day we’re in AL).

I hope soon you get peace.

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Don’t answer all MIL phone calls . Back off, shorten , limit visits for awhile . MIL may adjust better if she’s not relying on her son to entertain her .

We have this with my FIL. He still refuses to socialize or go to activities . That is on him . He has finally accepted he has to be in the facility but still chooses to be a loner . He’s always liked to read a lot . So that’s what he does . We make sure he has plenty of books

You and your son can’t change MIL personality .
Some elderly are like that . Your mother is trying to make the best of it , good for her. .

Personality does play a huge role in the transition. My mom was an introvert and very needy. I loved her dearly but she did not like activities and wanted to be left alone…..which is impossible when you have dementia and need round the clock care. She adjusted but was never happy. She began to decline, more than she was in my home, when we transitioned her. That was a direct reflection of her personality. That cannot be cured. Sounds like your mom has a personality that embraces change. Not true for everyone.

Patience and you do.not need to.answer all the calls. The facility will call you if it is an emergency. Boundaries.

How wonderful your Mom has adapted, staying active & making friends! A success story 🙌. Thanks for sharing. It will help others I'm sure.

My Aunt did this. Told me she pushed herself to get involved, join groups, to talk to people. It paid off & she adjusted very well too.

Hopefully your MIL learns to adapt in time.

I suppose personality comes into it. Also level of anxiety &/or depression.

What sort of contact level would you & your DH like? Would a daily call at a set time work? Or twice a week? (Letting other calls go to voice mail).

"..constant questions about my husbands life/what he’s doing"
That neediness & pressure is exhausting. It's like shadowing behaviour, but verbal. I wonder of it's because they can't initiate their own activities anymore, so can get obsessive about family's activities. I think it can also be manipulative & ego-centric too eg "What are you doing?" meaning why aren't you here doing something with ME?

My LO once got obsessed with wanting to know what I was eating for lunch everyday. Should've answered "nuts" everyday 😉

Thank you so much!

This is old age.
This is end of life.
This is one loss piled on another forever with no upside and the end not very pretty. I am 80, and I can vouch for this. You didn't cause it. You can't fix it.
You have two people here, one making the best of it and one not.

My own brother in ALF was such a charmer. Diagnosed with probable early Lewy's and the distance of a long state away from me and my support, he had to chose ALF. It was hard. He was in his last home, a little place with the last of his treasures. He had to give it up. Yet he was so kind, so realistic, and intent as always on burdening no one. He was always making the best of it ("Hon, it's like the army; I didn't like it, but I made the best of it" or "Hon, I don't relish knowing what Lewy's has in store for me, but I am glad to know why I see the world differently from you "normal folk". He made me POA and Trustee. He hoped he would die before Lewy's did its worst, and he did.)

This is life. Some people try always to think of others, to make it better for them, to make "the best" of it. Others cannot. It is looking at loss upon loss and they cannot bear it.

Your husband needs to set limits. If he cannot he will be burdened with this. And yes, there is little to say but "Mom, I am so sorry." Just hear her, listen, tell her you are sorry. What else can you do? Lest you be Gods or good fairies with wands at the ready, what else can you possibly do?

You need to protect yourselves where you can. Again. You didn't cause this and you can't fix this. You can only endure it. You can only SURVIVE this.

I wish you and hubby the very best. This is tough stuff.