Making the daily phone call.

I limit my calls to once a week, tops. And like you, I feel a huge wave of relief when I hang up, knowing I’m off the hook for another seven days (at least). Will I miss this at all, once she is finally gone? No, not at all. No.

Thanks for acknowledging the pain. Hugs much appreciated🙏💕

i want to call out Burnt Caregiver’s as priceless and so poignant: “so many of those care slaves get treated with less respect than a bag of garbage in a landfill?”

I will use that some day with my siblings. After mom died, they turned on me, threatened me with a lawyer if I didn’t execute her will “exactly nothing more nothing less”. Brought up how they had concerns about my competency as a care giver and old childhood grievances.

I had a triple death as the two of them started the attacks 4 days after she died. They both lived far away and have no idea what 24/7 was like.

I”m worst than a bag of garbage in a landfill to them.

Yes yes yes!!! I can’t imagine exactly how it is for all the daughters that are still care givers or as said care slaves in the trenches of the “Good, Bad, and the Ugly” times. Mother daughters seem to have a complicated “love-hate” relationship. At least that was mine. So I relate to all the comments.

my Mom at 91 was hanging on to Independent senior living apt by her finger nails….refusing services and ugly abusive language when I tried to help. At times, I too wished her dead. She would at least be happy so I thought.

In one sudden weekend, she went from independent to memory care on hospice and lasted 4 months in what she called “a nightmare”.

Im an old RN that still works in AL and Memory care part time and take care of moms and dads and watch the sons and daughters struggles. All the same struggles on both sides. The suffering and the joys are all out of sight and under appreciated.

No one knows until they get there what it’s like. I pray for comfort and strength for all of us

A post like this always brings a bit of a smile to my face. It really does. My friend, read this comment and you will feel a whole lot better about making that phone call.

You can end the call any time you want. You don't have to call every day if you don't want to. Also read some of the posts from the members of this forum. You'll see that daily phone call in a whole new light.

Like the folks here who are scrubbing piss and crap off of their furniture and rugs daily along with their "loved one" who lives with them. Don't forget the refusal to shower or even change a soiled pull-up or diaper until it's literally falling apart and sometimes not even then. Or the ones who are actual care slaves that have no life whatsoever because 24/7 it's the elder's needs only to be met with stubbornness, nastiness, and bullying. Let's not forget those who have to spend hour after miserable hour in a filthy, stinking, hoard of a house caregiving because the senior won't allow anything to be cleaned up or thrown away. Last but not least and God save them all, the ones who move into that home so mom or dad can be kept out of a care facility even when they should be in one for their own good. Did I mention that so many of those care slaves get treated with less respect than a bag of garbage in a landfill?

Think of all this that you don't have to deal with and you'll probably feel a lot better about the phone call.

Or you could cut the phone call down to every other day. Or once a week.

I cannot imagine talking to my mother everyday, we have basically nothing in common.

She has her life, I have mine, we roll on a different plain as I am 22 years younger than her and we lived our lives in a totally different way,

She is still alive, in AL age 98. I do not talk to her at all now, as she is a "B" on wheels, however, if I did it wouldn't be everyday and if I did it wouldn't change how I will feel when she dies, if she ever does!

I did the best I could for her, so I have no remorse today and will not when she passes.

MD1748, I prefer childbirth. Give me 10 children.

I don't call daily and I do call intermittently and go see her every week on sunday and often I dread it - she is so depressing and no matter what I do it doesn't help. Her ideal situation would be for me to sit there and eat lunch with her every day. Thankfully she is independent so far I fear when that changes. I see her a lot but it often pulls me down so I have to be careful and it's depressing even when I call. I know I will miss her when she is gone. I am not sure my mom appreciates anything I do for her and she can be so judgmental- I somehow didn't end with the ideal situation husband , children in her eyes I will never measure up. I wish I felt better about the situation but it's always been difficult and now not changing, when my dad was a live at least she could focus on him but now it's just me.

Ohhh how I miss the “obligated” daily phone call to “check in”. She just wanted to know I “was safe at home”. She always told me she was worried about me, but it felt like a control behavior.

I wish I could have been more conversational, more comforting. These days I come home and say… “Hi Mom, it’s Mary Margaret, I’m home. How was your day”. I remember her telling me “oh Scott’s Topic Talk was so good today and I won at bingo twice.”

I have no children so I can’t ask for a daily call. I realize now how alone she felt if I didn’t call. So hang on to your physical calls even thought your mom or dad “live in the moment” and will not remember any of it when they hang up.

It’s a gift to them now. And it’s a gift to you In the end when all you call out daily spiritually and re-live the moments when you get home safely

OMG, the daily phone call. I had my father trained to at least give me 2 days off / week but I had pneumonia, so it became daily. It won't stop, worry, worry, worry.... It's awful because you can't get away from it. If you don't answer the phone he just keeps calling, don't answer enough and he'll call a wellness check. He did that to me once.

Jeez the F Christ, I've been sitting at home recovering, he sits at home all day, what the F does he need to hear from me every day except to satisfy the bottomless bag of worry about everything. What the F is there to talk about on the best days?

And I'm not interesting either.

I would kill for him to be able to text.

My mom passed the day before Mothers Day this year...husband and I just returned from a postponed anniversary trip to Florida for 4 days. We had a lovely time but it was so bittersweet. My mom succumbed to a very aggressive lymphoma and dementia and I would often get frustrated when she would ask me over and over again " Whats new? " and then immdiately forget what I just told her....Im feeling so sad tonight because I would always call mom on the rare occasions we went away..and not at all when she was so sick, that is why we postponed this trip. ...she would always want to know that we got home safely. The realization that I will never have that connection again is breaking my heart...I miss her so much ....the grief actually hurts my heart. I know that she is at peace and no longer so sick, and that helps but doesnt take away the pain of losing her....

I feel the same way.... and all I have to do is pick up the phone and remind my mother I'm coming in to her facility to help her with lunch or dinner every day! Just those few words are torture. I cringe picking up the phone just to tell her. It's easier being in person.
Yes all of this aging stuff sucks. I just left helping my mother with her bedtime ritual and I started having heart palpitations in the room and had to sit down. It's so ironic I'm supposedly super healthy and she has CHF ...and I'm the one who feels like I'm dying. I don't know whether it was too much caffeine or the realization/ fear I developed that she's going to live much longer than expected (she's in hospice and supposedly was going to be gone in 6 months and she's going strong after 7 at age 99... Ugh)....
I come to this forum to know I'm not alone. You're not alone. I get it, 100%. Taking care of an elderly person is generally joyless and filled with grief, resentment and physical and emotional fatigue beyond what anybody experiences unless they've been there.

Yes, like you, I sometimes dreaded calling. I was often tired and her failing health and abilities saddened me.
I am an only and advocated for her with the AL facility, medical providers, a home she still owned, etc... I took over responsibility for her life, basically. It sometimes felt like a burden, but I would do it again.
She got so she could no longer call me on her cell phone due to macular degeneration and she also could not remember how to call especially when we had to start dialing the area code for all local calls. I called her and when she had not let the battery run down or left the phone in another room where she could not hear it ring we could chat for a while. She complained about the caregivers, the food etc... but I understood. A facility is not the same as how you want to live in your own home, cook your favorite foods and so on. It took a lot of effort sometimes to make those calls and visits but I knew her hours passed slowly. She could not do much once the eyesight was so limited. I knew the calls helped pass the time. As many facilities are understaffed, hers was as well and I used these calls to gauge how well her needs were being met. No situation is perfect and I had to keep reminding myself she was safe, fed, had people around etc... She passed a year ago in May and I miss talking to her more than I can say. Mother's Day was rough as is this week. Next weekend will be the anniversary of her death. I try to look at it as a welcome end to the ever expanding list of medical issues her life had become. I remember she often voiced that she had no purpose and had lived too long, that she was a burden, lonely etc... She said "Old age is not for sissies". I believe she is with our Lord in the most wonderful and amazing place of unconditional love and peace. But, I still miss those dreaded calls and visits.

Oncehated,
That’s too bad your mom can’t read. FIL still reads books. He used to do crossword puzzles too, but I don’t think he can anymore , we haven’t had to buy more crossword books in quite some time now. FIL hearing is getting worse even with hearing aids , makes phone calls difficult. Maybe we can try Siri, but his speech is not totally clear ( like that for years, they think old undiagnosed stroke ) so not sure Siri will work . He refuses speech therapy .

Way, I think we got lucky that Mom enjoyed using Siri, it's really a shame that her speech is getting too difficult for Siri to understand on some days. Mom used a kindle for years and was a dedicated daily reader. The kindle fonts could be enlarged for her vision. She says reading has become impossible the past year.

I'm glad your FIL uses his tablet - we could never get Mom interested in an iPad.

Oncehated. Sorry Mom isn’t doing well. I think it’s so cool she’s using the phone .
Actually my FIL recently had DH get him a new IPhone . He couldn’t use his wife’s old IPhone nor his own Android phone anymore . He barely could make a call on either one a year ago . DH humored him with the new IPhone and tried to teach him to use it including text. FIL says he has not used it since . He uses his landline . He also has a laptop and printer in his room he doesn’t use . But he thinks he needs them . He plays a few games on his tablet still .

We are lucky that Mom (91) is able to text - she does voice texting through Siri - often we have a good laugh over the mistakes. Some days Siri is having more trouble understanding her. Mom is failing slowly, she started hospice in December.

Texting would be a good alternative some of the time. But a good chunk of the elderly can’t .

My mom used to write weekly letters to her and dad's parents. She missed writing letters and eventually my sister and I talked her into email. I emailed her daily until she learned to text, now I text daily.

These days she can't follow conversations well enough on phone calls. She's happy with a daily text, even if it just tells her about the weather. I try to find something to add pictures for variety. She used to love shopping and still enjoys pictures of things I've purchased.

DH had the same issue , he was calling everyday for the first 6-8 months to FIL in AL . I had him cut down and not call everyday . FIL doesn’t seem to realize .

On the flip side. I have a long distance friend in her mid 70’s calling me often, not realizing she called recently. Same questions , she definitely is having significant memory problems. She told me her son makes her send a picture of her dinner to him every night so he knows she ate and he calls her each night .

You’ve described exactly how I feel - dreading the call and feeling guilty knowing one day I might miss it.

Granted, it is easier since mom had a seizure and is more chilled out and now treats me like everyone else ( I was apparently head of her endless complaints department ) There’s some sense of relief that these calls aren’t nearly so awful any more and are much shorter. Still, there’s this sense of Groundhog’s Day insanity going on in my head! 7 years and counting of this situation….who am I where am I where am I going??

Thanks for posting this, once again I’m grateful to read about others having similar feelings! It really helps.

Best to you!

I’m so relieved to read all your comments. My Mum died suddenly last spring and since then I’ve called Dad everyday. Like so many have said, there’s a tension between ‘I know I won’t be able to call each day for ever’ and ‘oh no, I’m tired, what am I going to say, what will his response be to ‘how are you?’ - that last one varies so much from ‘I’m ok love, how are you?’ To ‘Bloody awful!’ And I never have any idea which is coming!! I often ring as I drive home from work … but again, as others have said … it can feel magical to have ‘got it done’ with purpose earlier in the day!!! Sending you all love and strength to persevere with the ‘I love you’ calling xx

I dread visiting my mother. No phone calls, ‘cause she wouldn’t know how to answer a phone, any longer.

When I visit, Mom cannot follow a conversation. Doesn’t remember any family members, so no filling her in.

She refuses to look at pictures.

No interest in magazines.

Can’t follow television.

Won’t look at videos.

I get your frustration.

Slay, your post reminded me of a ritual of my childhood. After Sunday Mass. Mom would walk with my brother and me to the drugstore where we were each allowed a nickel for candy and she made a ten cent phone call to her mother.

It was only years later that I realized that making this call from a pay phone was my mother's way of setting a boundary. When the dime dropped, she would say "bye, Moth, gotta go". She would not have been able to do this from our home phone.

I found that when visiting my mom in her NH, I needed to go with "material" like a stand up comic. If you don't have a real story to tell her, can you find something amusing in your local paper or on FB to chat (mindlessly) about? I found that having something pre-planned derailed my anxiety.

Even though "some day" I won't have this back pain that's aching me, right now it's bugging hell out of me so it's all that matters. The here and now. The daily grind of the obligatory phone calls that make nobody feel better are just that: a grind. Sometimes feeling like torture to be understood, heard, or not accidentally hung up on and then hear a busy signal when trying to redial. Over and over bc the phone has been left off the hook.

An exercise in patience for certain.

So many of these calls are obligatory and, well, useless. The person being called sometimes has no idea who they’re talking to. They might be quite animated during - but afterward my dad would have no clue who it was. The worst was when family members would go into long explanations of what their kids were up to. He didn’t even remember their kids or their names. He didn’t recall what a skateboard was. They’d put their younger kids on to talk nonstop and neither he nor I could understand the words.

I was so relieved when he was too sick to talk anymore. I felt that the calls were eventually like torture for him.

Advice: Stop calling when there’s no longer any point in it. Ask the caregiver if you’re not sure.

i’m not going to change how often I call. I’m not really looking for tips. I just wanna know if anyone else feels the same way, know what I mean? Sometimes it’s nice to know when other people are going through the same thing. If I called less, it would make me feel any better at all. I’m not gonna take away her daily phone call from me. It’s just hard, like so much of this aging care stuff is.

You can call and say "Just checking in to see how ur doing?" "Sorry Mom have no stories today. Just checking in. Can't talk long got to get dinner on the table"

When do u call? I would think after you and her have had dinner and she is back in her room and your getting ready to sit down and watch TV for the night. It does not need to be a long conversation.

Totally understand where you are coming from mom was starting to have a hard time hearing & it would be the same conversation everyday. om was lonely & would call a few times a day. I lost my mom last year in May & how i miss her calls so much now :(

Lol exactly...