Quit your job to care for a family member?

You are so correct to point these facts out. I was one who quit my job when mom needed more care. I seriously regret that decision.

Great comment! I retired two yeas ago. One of the reasons I did was to be more available for my aging father. As I said yesterday in my first post, I did not have happy childhood because of the constant negativity that continued on into adulthood. Since retiring, I have worked up to three part-time jobs trying to make my ends meet. I have realized that this will not work. I'm planning to go back to work full time this fall ( I'm an educator) so I can adequately support myself. I have learned that we must take care of ourselves!

It's so good to see this being discussed! I hope our posts will stop some people from making foolish decisions.

There are stories out there. We all have choices, always. Some don't see it that way. My friend SD had a thriving retail business that involved a bit of travel but her mom had dementia and SD had promised her never to "put" her in a home. Mom owned two paid-for homes, but no attempt was made to sell them to pay for mom's care. Mom moved in with SD and husband and lived to be 98 or so. She was stark raving mad by the end of it, coming out of their guest wing wearing her Depends somehow on top and no pants on, etc. SD hired sitters, caregivers, DH helped, it wasn't enough. Retail business neglected, they took out reverse mortgage on their own house, business tanked, so by the time mom passed, SD and DH had lost their home, business, and mom. The money they'd have saved for their own retirement in those 5 years or so was not saved, and SD now has dementia herself. Who will take care of her? She sold mom's two homes but spent the money for a nice house for herself.

Everybody, put on your own oxygen mask first!

Good comments here. It is almost never a good idea to quit your job to move in with parents (or have them move in with you). The only time it might work is if at least one of the parties is absolutely financially independent as in well over 7 figures, maybe 8 figures net worth. The article that Peggy linked about homeless seniors mentions the fact that some of the older homeless ended up that way because they lost their housing after their parent died. I've personally seen it twice happen to people I've worked with over the years. Both low wage men with some addiction issues lived with elderly mom and lost their housing once sibling put mom in nursing home and sold the house.

Wise words here. How many times have we read on the forum “I had no choice but to……” when in reality we all have choices, maybe not easy or preferred choices, but choices. My highly dysfunctional sibling would have moved into my dad’s home in a minute, thought it a great idea as he could “help out” Yet he’s a hoarder, filled with anger and bitterness, financially irresponsible, and very resentful of any caregiving that interfered with his free time. So thankful my dad saw this all clearly, though he was my sibling’s greatest defender, he consistently blocked him moving in. My dad’s often stated firm rule “I wont live with any of you and none of you will live with me, I’ve seen it ruin too many relationships” was pure wisdom. I was POA and executor, if sibling had moved in, I’m sure that today the house wouldn’t be sold and I’d be in a battle to get him out. Social Security and your financial future are one way this can blow up, there are a myriad of others. All of which can be avoided with some forethought and not operating on misplaced obligation and guilt

BlueEyedGirl, you're totally right, I did leave that demographic out. My apologies, sincerely didn't mean to offend you and those like you in your position (which also sucks eggs)!.

Beatty, spot on "we all get along". Yeah, right. Until you don't.

Not quite the same thing, but I remember the first time I met my husband's extended family - cousins, aunts, uncles, the works. I mentioned in passing 1) having a very small family and 2) not getting along with most of the members of my extended family. I remember their smug "oh my, we ALL get along! I can't IMAGINE what that must be like, we've ALWAYS been close! I can't imagine a time when we WON'T be!"

Until grandma and grandpa died and the inheritence wasn't split evenly.

Then the knives came out. Not among my husband and his siblings, thankfully, but among all of those smug, self-righteous cousins. Now that part of the family is split into warring factions, (still ongoing, years later) and I just it and smile to myself. At least MY issues with MY family are based on how I was treated, not how much money I did - or didn't - get when they died.

Notgoodenough, spot on.

Two sisters, #1 Manager & #2 Stay-at-home Mother (kids grown). #2 got divorced, couldn't afford housing, moved in with Mother - care for housing, mutual agreement. Cheaper together + company for each other.

Then needs got too high. Falls, fractures, illness.

#1 is POA. Pushes for Residential Care, round the clock staff, more socialisation. Wants to sell house to fund.

#2 "Never putting Mother in a home!"
"Where would I live?"

Family rift.
Almost went to court.
Some sort of timeframe with extra home help was set as a compromise. No idea how it eventually played out.

Very dangerous place to put oneself.. providing the labour, but no pay, no pension fund, no exit plan + loss of accomodation if quit.

I've mentioned that tale a few times to a family that has all the same components, professional, single parent, elder with slowly increasing needs.
Am told We are all reasonable people, we all get along, we'll work it out.

Hope so.

(My plan is to outlive them & move far enough out of the fallout zone of destruction).

@notgoodenough - I think you only missed one demographic (this one is close to home for me). The sibling who already needs a place to live (and may or may not have a job) and moved in with mom or dad first and depends on the parent financially. But who begins to resent the other siblings for not pulling their weight in caring for mom and dad when it gets hard. And who frequently state that they need help but also derail or delay moving mom/dad to an AL or SNF because mom and dad's income will be needed to cover the cost and they need the income themselves.

They also typically fit the rest of the description - lost earning potential, lost retirement fund opportunity, sibling relationship damage.

But typically the move to a facility is ONLY at crisis point. And any claims about not being able to put mom/dad in a home fall flat because no one is buying it at that point. ;-)

"But - you LOVE them. You can't "put" Mama in a home!" You can look yourself in the mirror, because you did the "right thing." Your siblings who did nothing will regret it! (No, they won't.)

Yet another wise post right here Fawnby.

I so agree!!!

thanks for the wise warning!!

I agree with you so much!

Since you rarely hear "I'm a doctor/lawyer/engineer/scientist/bank manager/etc. with a healthy, viable career but I'm planning on giving it all up to take care of my aging parent(s)", I think in many cases, what happens is this: you have an adult child working an hourly paid job. Maybe several to make ends meet. Mom and/or dad are starting to get up in age. Starting to need help with "little things" - laundry, shopping, meal prep, inside/outside chores, etc. Driving becomes a challenge. So adult child figures - here's an idea mom and dad...I'll give up my job, give up my apartment, move in with you and be your caregiver. If you cover my food/auto insurance (since I'll be driving you) and give me a place to live, my expenses will be minimal, and you get live in care - win/win for all of us!

And depending on circumstances, this arrangement might work out for years. Mom/dad age gracefully at home, adult child has no real financial obligations and doesn't really *mind* the work, since it's really nothing more than adult child was doing for him/herself for years. I mean, we all have to do laundry, we all have to eat and therefore need to go grocery shopping and cook, we all should be cleaning our homes on a semi-regular basis, and so on. Doing it for 2 more people shouldn't be that much of a challenge, right?

But then mom and/or dad's care becomes more than adult child can handle on their own. Perhaps dementia comes into play. Maybe parent becomes incontinent. Begins to seriously lose mobility. Or the myriad things that happen once we age. And suddenly adult child finds themself in a really horrible financial situation: place mom/dad in a facility where they will get their needs met but adult child loses home/financial stability *or* they all keep going further and further down the rabbit hole of caregiving until the situation is totally undoable and all involved are at crisis point.

And that's not even taking into account siblings and their expectations of parents' care and money issues, including that sticky wicket we like to call "inheritence".

If you're going decide anyway to give up your livelihood to take care of mom/dad, get a caregiver contract in place and get paid in the here and now for your work, not with a promise of riches to come down the road. And do it above board, with all of the necessary paperwork filled out for the IRS, so when you eventually have to return to the workforce you can show a continuing history of employment.