What surprised you most about your parents as they aged? Were you prepared emotionally for the changes in their lives?

Myself & my sons were very close to my Mom & Dad much closer than my brother & his 2 girls. My Dad passed in ‘98 & my Mom moved across the street from me to be closer to me.

When she stopped driving due to her age and the onset of dementia I was there to do everything for her. My brother & his kids did not help at all and refused to believe she had dementia…….they would say she was just forgetful.

So what really surprised me was after arguments with my brother how easily he got her to turn against myself & my family. We could no longer see her or speak to her because he didn’t want her to & she went along with it including talking bad about me to others. She believed all his lies about me.

He got other family members involved & my family relationships are gone forever.

In the end she chose him over me and to this day I still have a hard time dealing with it.

Wow Cheky, I found myself nodding at everything you said.

No-one wants a big stroke. It's bad. A big stroke when spouse has memory issues & unable to arrange your care, worse.

Your 6th sense to get those ducks in a row was well timed.

Bring on the robots! Before I have to let someone wipe my..

Actually instead of wonderful futuristic shiny metals with no faces they'll be all soft skin-like covered humanoid replicates & I'll be just as embarressed. Dang

What I learned from my parents aging is that while we imagine ourselves living well into our 80s (or even 90s), the reality is that those last 5-10 years (or more) are not easy, nor necessarily happy.

One spouse inevitably declines faster than the other, so the healthier person's world suddenly becomes limited by what the sicker spouse can do. In my parents' case, my mother started losing her sight through macular degeneration when she was about 75, and that's when everything started becoming focused on health issues instead of their "golden years." My dad was in pretty good health overall until one day he wasn't and the doctor told him he had inoperable cancer at 88. Suddenly he was the one whose abilities defined what their future would look like. He died after just six weeks of illness, and my mother lived another 2.5 years after that.

So, the beginning of their aging difficulties until the very end lasted 17 years. That was pretty depressing to realize.

To answer if I was surprised at how long my parents lived, no.
My father died when he was 54, of medicine induced lymphoma/preleukemia. He and my mother had all the arrangements done; he was only on hospice for less than a week.

My mother passed at 69, we pretty much estranged probably the last 4 years of her life. We struggled to figure her life and her wishes. My mother was a mess mentally so there were some very strange things we had to work around.

I have a brother who is 62 right now, about 10 years older than me my head has always been a little morbid about my brothers age, I just wanted him to get to 54, now the goal is 69. My brother and I were estranged for about 10 years, because my mother played us off of each other. We started working on our relationship once my mom tried to commit suicide the second time.

So, no, now that my in laws are in their 80's I am not surprised at all. I was actually a little jealous, since up until this year they have been extremely able bodied. Their aging is actually eye opening and a learning experience. I do look at them and feel this is what is supposed to happen. I found it frustrating that my husband and I had to basically force the issue of getting their estate plan done, since it felt like it wasn't our place, yet it needed to be done.

The in laws started hinting around they may need some help. In April of 2022 I had dug up information and printed it out for my husband, so he had some guidelines on how to create a plan. Once he started going through everything, we agreed we needed to put the brakes on and get a professional involved. My husband was not in a rush and just kept putting on the back burner, to the point we were get into arguments about it. My fil is very old school, he didn't understand why he needed to do some of the paperwork. Even though my fil knew his wife was having memory issues, he didn't think about if her issues advancing, so he kept saying she will make the decisions. His sister thought all you needed to do is put their names on all the accounts and that would be fine. A basic estate plan was finalized with a lawyer I believe in Dec. of 2022. Then my fil had his debilitating stroke Feb 2023.
There are many days my husband and I are so grateful it got done before the stroke, we don't know why I had the drive to get it done and it was hard on us at the time but now we are just so grateful.

I was in the situation where my parents did not live as long as their parents so I only had to become involved in the last months of my mother's life. I guess this was surprsing to me. My dad predeceased my mom by about 2.5 years, and mom bore the brunt of helping him when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. They were prepared financially to have in-home help or move to a facility for several years, but did not end up having to do so. Neither had dementia. We did move my mom to an apartment closer to us with round the clock home health aides when she reached the point of needing to be on oxygen 24/7 but that lasted only for about 3 months. Both parents smoked and my dad died of lung cancer in his mid 80s and my mom of respiratory failure just shy of 80. My dad's mom had lived to 97 and my mom's mom to 102. Both were overall very healthy and neither had dementia. I did see the toll caregiving took on both my parents. Even though my maternal grandmother had in-home aides, paid by State Medicaid, my mother still did a lot and resented that her siblings did very little. My paternal grandmother lived with a younger sister and she was basically a caregiver for her since sister had some dementia, was almost blind and fairly deaf. My dad for a number of years would go stay with them (they lived in another state) for some weeks, sometimes as much as a month if they had ill health, e.g., flu, pneumonia. Other than that, my paternal grandmother made her own arrangements for help by having someone come in to clean and do some cooking, she managed her own finances, etc. She's my role model for how to age, assuming I still have my marbles. I'm already 80 and am doing fine so far (knock wood), but I've made it clear to my kids that I do not want them to have to care for me. I've told them I'll willingly go to AL or nursing home when the time comes that I can't manage at home. My caregiving days were over when husband passed away last year so I think the next stage of life I face is being a care recipient. At my kids' urging I've put my name on the wait lists for several senior communities that offer a continuum of care, with independent apartments/cottages, AL, and memory care. The wait lists are 2-3 years long. I'm not ready to move any time soon, but figured it cant hurt to go on wait lists. You can turn down openings offered and not lose your place on the list. My husband and I had already downsized and moved to a condo closer to some of our kids and grandkids over 5 years ago. That turned out to be the best thing we could have done.

I wonder how many people have been surprised by how long their parents have lived.

I certainly never thought my mom would live to be 95. Her mom died at 85. Her dad died at 79. My dad died at age 85 and his parents died before I was even born.

My grandfather died at 79 but many of his siblings died in their late 90’s. I have a cousin on mom’s side of the family that is 100 years old and still going strong!

Grandpa smoked and he had emphysema or else I bet that he would have lived as long as many of his siblings.

Checkylildevel,

Thanks for your response to my posting. I enjoyed reading your comments.

I especially liked how you brought up that past generations kept everything to themselves. It’s so true. They held many secrets that they never considered sharing with their children.

They were quick to say, “The good old days.” Yes, they did have special times, but I feel that being open and discussing important matters is the way to establish trust and intimacy within a family relationship.

Like chekylildevil, We also keep our adult kids in the loop about what it was like taking care of my parents and now my FIL . We are preparing as well , hoping to make things easier.

We have a lot of older generation that don't talk about certain subjects, like the old saying you don't talk about finances, politics or religion.

There is a different type of pride in each different generation also, so some of the older people I know are very prideful and private, they don't want to burden or worry anyone else.

Quite frankly, I also believe our world has changed so much so fast, that some things can be very overwhelming to older people. Some may be trying to be technology savvy, yet things have changed so quickly. They get all the warnings of scams and such, to the point it creates paranoia and worry in them. Yet they may not be up on you can deposit checks in your account using your phone. They may be older bookkeepers so they don't realize how much is available without have copies and files for everything.

I do compare this a lot to the fact most Mother's didn't talk to their daughters about menopause, or Father's not talking to their sons about prostrate health. Heck some families won't even share medical issues that the next generation may be able to prevent or watch for. Since you don't talk about your problems.

Through our trails with trying to support and care for my in laws, we have kept our young adult sons in the loop. As to prepare them for what may happen to us. We have to get our estate plan in place, and we have to think about the worst-case scenario's.

It takes being open with your children and wanting to teach them to help everyone in the future.

Way,

That’s true that some parents have blinders on. Others have been selfish and mean their entire lives. Those parents should definitely be placed in a facility and they should never be allowed to live in their children’s homes.

We also need to continue to educate people about dementia. I think the fear of dementia is so strong that children are often in denial of a parent having it.

I also feel like many of us say, that won’t happen in our family. My mom/dad is so with it! Or we think that our parents are being contrary when they are struggling to cope in life.

I am at the age where my doctor has started asking me about falls! Geeeeez, this makes me feel so old. 😆

I am curious. Do doctors look at cognitive abilities as we age or do they only address it when a family member brings up the topic?

Way, I have read the stats from an investment company that builds assisted living facilities. There are a staggering amount of facilities that will be built in the future for our aging community. Hey, great suggestion for your son to save a room for you! So many assisted living facilities are like top notch hotels. You’re correct that not all parents are cooperative with their children and expect them to provide the sun, moon and stars for them. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting. Such a shame, isn’t it?

What surprised me the most about my parents aging was how stubborn they were. Considering the fact that I was expected to take care of them , I thought they would have been more cooperative. My Dad wasn’t as bad , stubborn on a few things . Mom was awful .
I don’t know if we can prepare for when they don’t realize or acknowledge they need help. They have blinders on .

Need , it is a huge business. My son has invested ( bought stock ) in a company that builds AL facilities . I told him to save me a nice room . Lol