Head or heart decision or both?

As those for whom we have responsibility decline, cognitively and/or physically, we face those difficult questions:

Do we chose what keeps them safe? Do we chose what will make them happy?

It is often impossible do to both, especially if your loved on has dementia and has latched onto a single person, expected to provide 24/7 care.

I struggle with guilt, as illogical as it is. Yes, a form of grief.

Role play. You have just learned that in 10, 20, 30 years, whatever, you will have dementia such that you burn out your loved ones. Your demands and unbearable nature will overwhelm their fond memories of you. The time they devote to you will cut into their education and careers such that their retirement is jeopardized. The stress will erode their health. Their relationships will suffer.

I can’t imagine imposing this upon my children and I have told them that. Hire care, no matter how much I protest that I only want you. Put me in a home. Recognize that I need it and just do it. I would hate to die, having put my children and possibly grandchildren through hell. That would make me feel much worse than how I felt admitting I couldn’t handle caregiving for my own mother any longer, and placing her in a home. (where she gets very good care)

All good points. We all just need to help guide each other through all of this. Thank you for your input!!

Hi Surf,

I like your description of the battle that goes on between the heart and the head. It’s quite accurate for many people.

This is why therapists have a job! They can help teach people to view their circumstances from a healthier perspective.

Balancing our emotions can be challenging. Again, it never hurts to ask for objective opinions if we feel that we are too close to the situation to make a logical decision on what is best for everyone.

I love that, thanks

I think that it is important to wipe the word guilt out of your lexicon as well. Guilt assumes responsibility. Responsibility assumes causation.In short, you didn't cause any of these problems.You have no cure for these problems.Therefore guilt is out.Guilt assumes that things can be changed. They can't.So what you are looking at is GRIEF, the other G-word. Grief understands that this is a matter of sadness for the circumstances of your loved one, for the sadness of standing witness to it. Sadness means tears and this is worth the grieving.

The "head" can know, but that doesn't stop the grief of the heart, and it never can. It is important that the grief not be turned into the luggage of guilt.