More than a question.

Mommy has had dementia for 9 years, approaching 10. I’m her only child, a 42-year-old man. I can’t stop feeling hurt because once mommy hurts I hurt. I can live with that, my mind is strong.

It has been one hell of a road.

Trying to make all the right decisions medically for her, I’ve tried all the prescriptions years ago and they were too strong for mommy even, the lowest mg. She is still smiling and can walk, eat for herself, at times watch a show and listen to music. No meds.

Anyway, I really came to say that it’s a hurtful thing because I live in Trinidad in the Caribbean and the majority of mommy’s friends and neighbors totally ignore her. Remember, I am her only son. I am very defensive and protective of my mom more than ever now as she can’t defend herself when ppl calling her mad. Ohhh those words and all the injustice my mother has faced since becoming ill. It almost destroyed me. The hurt

I was alone trying to tell her in the first 6 years: Please mommy stop it, don’t do this or that. Not understanding or I should say not being able to control my scattered and torn emotions. Guilt has taken hold of me sadness. Grief, anger, I still take care of her. I still am emotionally affected by it, it’s a struggle in my personal relationships.

I have made horrible mistakes that never happened before mommy’s illness. Honestly no one will understand this situation unless they live it. They think it’s “accept it" and move on.

I understand I must move on, but they don’t understand that for a son to move on from mommy is impossible for me. I'd rather continue being hopeful, despite the facts and reality. That hope gives me a drive. I am a Rastafarian and we say "Thanks to Jah" we have this determination and hope. At 42 I still cry for my mistakes. Sometimes I can’t look at the pics of mommy on my phone, but I have to continue, for her. She is more than deserving.

I wish she could give dementia to myself and free her even for a moment, but reality does not mix with wishes. I accept, to all those like myself lift yourself up you are not alone

Keep climbing and Jah (God) will slowly but surely remove the guilt. I can't put mommy in an institution it’s too expensive or the less expensive ones are terrible.

Once it’s a mental health situation Isure abuse is 80% to occur. In Trinidad it’s horrible for loved ones with any mental condition. It’s rough but Jah never give us more than we can bear.

I write this with tears in my eyes hopefully it lets some good person know it’s ok forgive urself and Jah will forgive u

Love is a powerful thing, control the emotions when it seems u can’t change a situation because live can quickly turn to chaos.