Godwink, be careful. You wrote, “I think family involvement is very important”
You don’t mean your involvement in helping an elderly person: you mean involving OTHERS (family members) in your and DH’s aging troubles.
Please be careful. You married DH, made vows to help him. But your daughter should be free to live her life. Asking for a bit of help is OK. Not asking for a lot of help. You gave birth to your daughter so she could live her life, and make something of herself; not so she becomes a caregiver or helper or assistant for you and DH, for years and years.
I think family involvement is very important That's why I'm moving my sick husband with me to Missouri after 34 years in our condo. Our daughter and grandkids will be near and medical records can be transferred. Colin Cancer stage 4 diagnosis a few months ago turned out world upside down.
First, I had to really think about what feeling "like myself" really means to me. When was the last time I had made a decision solely based on what I wanted, took action/risked everything based on what I believed was in my own best interest - no compromise whatsoever. The year was 1981...before I became pregnant with my one and only child. I have been a caregiver, in one form or another, ever since. I do remember the feeling I had back then, though, when (for a little while) any possibility seemed open to me...almost like I could fly if I wanted. Sadly, it didn't last too long. As the saying goes..."Life slips in the backdoor..."
I haven't been 'myself' since my dad passed away in 2016. He had CHF (no dementia) so hospice care for 3 months. Somewhat like my old self for a few years then in 2021 moms hospital fiasco caused more stress. Can't seem to find my happy place again, not that I was ever a very happy person to begin with
2014. I went away to Hawaii in the middle of caregiving for both parents. ( 12years) I was so far away and knew I couldn’t do anything if they called. It was the most relaxed I had been since I could remember . Haven’t felt that since . FIL driving us nuts now .
I didn't feel like myself for the entire 10.5 years my parents lived nearby while declining in their older years. Dad was 87 and mom was 84 when they moved from Fl after dad gave up his license. As an only child, I was in charge of their lives and lost a lot of my SELF in the process. Dad passed in 2014 and mom with advanced dementia in Feb of 2022. I finally started feeling like myself again, even though dh needed a liver transplant in April, so it was a stressful time. But then I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma in January so "My old self" was gone forever.
Make the most of life while you can, is the message. You just don't know what left curves await you. Take joy in simple things and be sure to take time for YOURSELF while caregiving. Hire help. Utilize AL especially if youre burned out. Whatever it takes.
Wow! It's been years. I don't think I even know who I am anymore. I am no longer "caregiving" but living in hell with the woman and think angry, hateful thoughts all the time. That's not who I am.
Grandma1954 July 26, 2023 4:17 pm. Verystressedout: \Not to burst your bubble but. I still do not feel like "myself" But that is because I am not my previous self. I am older, wiser (no wise cracks!) And more important I think I am a better version of me. I learned a LOT caring for my Husband. I would not trade that knowledge for anything..ok, maybe if he were never diagnosed and we both lived a long, healthy life doing what we wanted to do. But that isn't / wasn't in the cards. It has been 6 1/2 years since he died. His birthday would/is at the end of this month. I Volunteer (for the Hospice that helped me care for him) I am a co-facilitator at a Dementia- caregiver Support Group. I help distribute food to veterans. I keep active. As frustrating as it has been these past few days I enjoy this Forum. I like passing on the things I learned.
So..you may never feel like you did 7 years ago. But really you shouldn't. We should always change, evolve, make ourselves better. But I know what you mean. You need to take care of another very important person, and put that one first. That VIP is you. Let yourself have time each week that you can set aside and do something for you. You do not have any info in your profile but a few things you can do If there is an Adult day program that the person you are caring for can go to. A few days a week is perfect. Getting a caregiver in 2 days a week for even 5 hours is a tremendous help There are organizations that provide Volunteers that can help Your local Area Agency on Aging may have programs that will help If the person you are caring for is a Veteran the VA might be of help. Check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission they can help determine what benefits are available.
You wrote, “I think family involvement is very important”
You don’t mean your involvement in helping an elderly person: you mean involving OTHERS (family members) in your and DH’s aging troubles.
Please be careful. You married DH, made vows to help him. But your daughter should be free to live her life. Asking for a bit of help is OK. Not asking for a lot of help. You gave birth to your daughter so she could live her life, and make something of herself; not so she becomes a caregiver or helper or assistant for you and DH, for years and years.
Just be careful please.
That's why I'm moving my sick husband with me to Missouri after 34 years in our condo. Our daughter and grandkids will be near and medical records can be transferred. Colin Cancer stage 4 diagnosis a few months ago turned out world upside down.
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When was the last time I had made a decision solely based on what I wanted, took action/risked everything based on what I believed was in my own best interest - no compromise whatsoever.
The year was 1981...before I became pregnant with my one and only child.
I have been a caregiver, in one form or another, ever since.
I do remember the feeling I had back then, though, when (for a little while) any possibility seemed open to me...almost like I could fly if I wanted. Sadly, it didn't last too long.
As the saying goes..."Life slips in the backdoor..."
Haven’t felt that since . FIL driving us nuts now .
Keep in mind that life isn’t easy for any of us.
It may appear that some people have a wonderful life but we never know what they are going through or have been through during their lifetime.
No one makes it through life without struggles. People may or may not share those struggles with others.
Make the most of life while you can, is the message. You just don't know what left curves await you. Take joy in simple things and be sure to take time for YOURSELF while caregiving. Hire help. Utilize AL especially if youre burned out. Whatever it takes.
I’m OK with that as long as the change is positive. But if I’m much sadder than before, then I don’t like that change.
I am no longer "caregiving" but living in hell with the woman and think angry, hateful thoughts all the time. That's not who I am.
Verystressedout:
\Not to burst your bubble but.
I still do not feel like "myself"
But that is because I am not my previous self.
I am older, wiser (no wise cracks!)
And more important I think I am a better version of me.
I learned a LOT caring for my Husband.
I would not trade that knowledge for anything..ok, maybe if he were never diagnosed and we both lived a long, healthy life doing what we wanted to do. But that isn't / wasn't in the cards.
It has been 6 1/2 years since he died. His birthday would/is at the end of this month.
I Volunteer (for the Hospice that helped me care for him)
I am a co-facilitator at a Dementia- caregiver Support Group.
I help distribute food to veterans.
I keep active.
As frustrating as it has been these past few days I enjoy this Forum.
I like passing on the things I learned.
So..you may never feel like you did 7 years ago. But really you shouldn't. We should always change, evolve, make ourselves better.
But I know what you mean.
You need to take care of another very important person, and put that one first. That VIP is you.
Let yourself have time each week that you can set aside and do something for you.
You do not have any info in your profile but a few things you can do
If there is an Adult day program that the person you are caring for can go to. A few days a week is perfect.
Getting a caregiver in 2 days a week for even 5 hours is a tremendous help
There are organizations that provide Volunteers that can help
Your local Area Agency on Aging may have programs that will help
If the person you are caring for is a Veteran the VA might be of help. Check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission they can help determine what benefits are available.
I miss that feeling too.