Facing ageism with Alzheimer's/Dementia.

There are no medications to treat dementia anyway, even if it's diagnosed early. Most doctors do not understand the mechanisms of the Brain or many other things about the human body there are no cures for. I've heard "I don't know" for the past year, even from neurologists who people put on a pedestal around here, because they DON'T KNOW. In many ways, as far as we've come with medicine, we're still in the Dark Ages in many ways ESPECIALLY where the Brain is concerned.

My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.

Firstly I would like to express my condolences to you on the loss of your Mom.

WHO WAS THE POA?
How did the family not recognize these signs if there was family there?
How do you KNOW what the doctor said to her?

Unfortunately doctors cannot require us to get tested. It is most often patients and families who request it. A 10 minute checkup yearly doesn't tell a doctor everything. This is why there is POA and MPOA and concerned families reaching out to doctors.

You are correct that if a senior is ALONE in the mire of the medical system, many things will be missed.
May I ask how old your Mother was?
May I ask who was with her and checked on her in the family, and why no one reached out to ask the doctor to run tests because Mother seems to be descending into an unsafe condition.
May I ask what other medical conditions your mom suffered from?

What actually was the coroner's assessment of what killed your mother?
It is seldom listed as dementia, tho dementia will destroy the brain so that patients cannot swallow their own sputum nor eat nor speak nor know their own family.
Whether one knows that or not is quite a moot point, because other than the torture of a peg tube for tube feedings and allowing our loved ones to sit endlessly in a high-chair, there's little way to address it.

You sound very angry. Often, grief counselors tell us, we will choose to be angry or anxious rather than face grief, which is final, which recognizes that we all will die, and that someone we love has died now, and we must grieve.

I am very sorry for your loss. We cannot know the circumstances of this passing without your telling us, and you are free not to.

For me, an old retired RN, we intervene not too SELDOM, but too often. Sadly enough we would likely disagree. Making your mom go on because you are not ready to lose her isn't fair for your Mom.

Honor her with joy and love and good memories if you can. And feel as bad for yourself as you like, because this hurts. But try not to blame the entire medical system for the passing of your elder.

I wish you the very best.

People with dementia usually make it obvious to those around them, and it doesn’t usually kill them – at least not for a long long time. A formal diagnosis doesn’t mean that there is any treatment, and usually there isn’t. Did you really not guess?

This sounds as though you are in the stage of grief where you are angry and want someone to blame. Some grief counseling might help. Don’t make things worse than they need to be.

In addition to family docs dropping the ball you should see what it's like in the ER and hospital, many staff tend to treat anyone over a certain age as though they are chronically ill and/or demented and it can be very difficult to convince them otherwise.

There are specialized doctors, but people often choose to continue with their doctors that they already have. By the time someone is old enough to collect Medicare, they need to have a PCP who is an internist specializing in geriatrics.

I can guarantee you that my doctor, a geriatrics specialist near my over-55 community, would not have missed or shrugged off your mother's symptoms. He is alert, oriented, and asks lots of questions. It is his passion to help elderly people.

Your mother didn't take responsibility for getting the care she needed as she grew older. Maybe she wasn't capable of it. Her doctor should have recommended specialized care for her, but how do you know he didn't? If he did and she didn't want to follow through, it's not all his fault.

You evidently knew the signs of dementia that she was exhibiting. What did you do about it? And why?

My condolences on the loss of your mom.