Ended relationship due to caregiving.

Sadly, the damage may be done unless that door is still open with this man.

But this may be an excellent time for you to sit down and reassess your life choices. I mean REALLY reassess. I know that you love your father. But there is something genuinely messed up when a child - adult or not - is required or voluntold to sacrifice their own life for their parent's life.

When you allow one person or one thing to consume your entire life to the point that you aren't allowed to have anything else, because you barely have anything left to give to anyone else (or even yourself) - that's a very bad thing. Even if it is for altruistic reasons. Your life needs balance. And when you feel suffocated and trapped, and as if you don't have the energy or time for any outside relationships (or for anything at all for yourself) because you are dedicating your entire life to the care of that other person - it's really time to consider other options.

When things got dicey with my FIL and he knew we were getting close to needing to move him to a SNF - in spite of my SIL and her DH already living with him mind you and providing what basic care that they could, like bringing him meals, laundry, preparing his medications, we were helping take him to the doctor. (his care was becoming more than anyone could handle at that point - he had become incontinent and was handling all of his own toileting and he had an outside bath aide -but he was getting to the point where he couldn't get out of the bed) - he called my DH in (privately) and told him that it was his RESPONSIBILITY to provide his care. Now he didn't mean that it was DH's responsibility to find him outside care. He elaborated. He expected DH to LEAVE me and our family and move in with FIL and SIL and her DH and provide additional care to supplement what they couldn't help my 300lb nearly bedridden FIL with. Only DH was invited LOL. The rest of our family was not included in this summons.

Not that ANYONE was going. DH said, "Dad, I'm sorry, we've been telling you for years that when you got to a certain point there was going to be nothing more that we could do. This house is no longer safe for you. You need more help than we can provide. I wouldn't leave my wife and daughters even if I could help you."

YOU have a right to your own life. It is not selfish of you to make your own way in the world and have your own dreams. You deserve to have a partner and anything else you want in life.

Here is the thing. Your father had those things. Or else he wouldn't have you to care for him now. Please really think about what your life will look like when your dad is gone.

My FIL recently passed away. My DH finds his strength in myself and our daughters. He finds his strength in his friends and other relationships.

It may be time to really consider what you will have left because you will have so much time left to live your life. You want to have a real life - you deserve it! You weren't put here just to be his caregiver. Your life is you own.

I agree with those who said please reconsider. A good man (or woman) is hard to find. Do you and your BF work? Does dad have any funds? Might you hire some in home help a few hours a day to ease the caregiving burden?

I remember as a young adult my aunt saying that the spouse comes first in a relationship, not the kids. I was surprised because we live in such a child centered society. But she was right, you will be with your partner decades after the kids move out. Same goes for elders. They won’t be here forever. Don’t throw away your primary relationship, which you are so lucky to have.

I agree with the others who have said you ended the wrong relationship. You found love with a good man and let caregiving rob you of that too. Truly sad.

Without room for your BF in your life at this time, it seems fair to let let him go.

But please really think about what you are doing & why. Thonk about the consequences to your life, possible lack of income, this loss of your partner.

As hard as it is be as realistic about your Father's diagnosis & prognosis as you can.

Who have you got in your corner to discuss all this with?

That’s sad. Please reconsider .
You and your boyfriend deserve to have a life. If you are burnt , then place your father in a facility .
Kicking the boyfriend out isn’t going to make you less burnt .
You said you are not yourself right now .
If your father has funds or a house to sell then he needs to go in a facility .
If it’s possible for Dad to afford a facility and you are unwilling to place him , then that’s sad.

I'm not always sure what people mean by phrasing such as "bring to the relationship" and "what I think he deserves." It sounds like you enjoy being around each other. If everything were reversed (you moved in with him and his parent; he's doing the care; you never complain), would that be okay? Or would you feel that he wasn't bringing enough to the relationship and you weren't getting what you deserve?

I fear we set the bar for female nurturance way too high.  

But it doesn't sound like _he_ was doing that. Rather, it seems you've been putting this on yourself?  

Maybe reconsider your decision? "Today" is very recent. When people are tired, decision-making ability tanks, as does emotional regulation. If this man is as nice as you say, there's a window here to revisit your decision.

Sorry you are going through such a tough time.

Please reassess your priorities: your man (and your life) takes priority over your father's. This doesn't mean you don't love your Father. But the current caregiving arrangement is unsustainable by you, the caregiver. All caregiving arrangements need to work for the caregiver because it is a very draining, strenous thing to do.

Please find placement for your Father and get your man back.

Also, the fact that he stuck around even though he was being absorbed into a caregiving situation and taking a backseat to your Dad -- I think you both have problems with identifying healthy boundaries. Maybe get him back and go to couples therapy together. He seems worth it.

I think that it is wise to do so. Quite honestly, when the choice is inhome caregiving there are huge repercussions for the loved spouse or partner. Many who are good good people try, but this is relationship destroying. When the choice is to care for the elders, there's just not a lot left for anyone else.

You cut the cord with the wrong man. Why in the world would you do this?

Start your life away from your father, explore other options for your father. He is young he can live for a long time, my mother will turn 99 in February, she is in AL and loves it, being with people her own age, enjoying the activities.

Your father is only 73 years old! If he has vascular dementia, he's likely to pass within 5 years. But if it's Alzheimer's, he can live another 20 years! If you're THIS burned out now, please get your father placed (with Medicaid if need be) and call your boyfriend back. To give up your entire life like this to a parent with dementia is a big mistake. Please realize that and TAKE ACTION.

You should feel like hot trash if you ended a good relationship with a good man that you love to be a care martyr.

There are options out there for your dad that aren't you 24/7 driving yourself to an early grave caregiving. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the person they're taking care of. What happens to your father (God forbid) if you died or became unable to take care of him?

My friend, love is hard to find in this life and if you're lucky enough to have found it, don't throw it away to be a care slave.
Caregiving, especially for a needy for a senior is a like a black hole in space. It pulls in everyone and everything. It's all consuming and destructive. Worse even if the neediness comes with dementia.

Get outside help for your father. Place him in an appropriate care facility that can meet his needs. You can still be a big part of is life only his care won't be your entire life. Please for your sake look at some care options.
Then call that man of yours and have a sit-down.