Has being a caregiver affected your sense of worth/self-esteem?

Danielle123,

Limit your time on social media until you are feeling better.
I personally hate social media for this very reason.

I've seen way too many teens, preteens, when I worked in schools, and young adults in college( including my own daughter at one point) spiral down due to low self esteem from comparing themselves to others lives, causing the feeling of being less than.

Social media was supposed to be a way to stay connected with friends and family. It became a more a way to brag , " look what I am doing, look where I am now" causing others feeling that their lives are not as fulfilling or happy. Some kids use it to bully as well. The truth is that alot of people who do excessive posting of smiling selfies of themselves going here, going there, really are not happy and are trying to convince themselves they are happy.

Appearances can be deceiving. And we should not really care what others are doing, or what their dinner plate looks like. Sorry ,a pet peeve of mine is why would someone think i want to see what their dinner plate looks like.

Hang in there. It does take time. I was getting there after both my parents died , then Covid was isolating and then we had to deal with a difficult father in law the past two years. He has recently passed so I am getting back on track again !! I do believe moving to gain distance will do you good.

While caregiving may be affecting your "sense of worth/self-esteem" it doesn't affect all of us that way.
And I think it may depend on just whom we are caring for, and for how long. And of course it probably depends on what kind of relationship we had with our loved one prior to them needing care as well.
But this I know...that this too shall pass, and life does go on after caregiving.
And you will be a better, stronger, more compassionate and empathetic person when it is all said and done.
So hang in there and know that there IS light at the end of your tunnel. It may just be a tiny speck of light right now, but it is there.

I did not like caregiving. I am a person who likes everything organized. I can't deal with chaos. Dementia is too unpredictable for me. So my Mom was placed in a nice AL. I still did for her. Visited for a little while each day. Took her to appts.

What I found out is I was stronger person than I thought I was. If I hadvto care for my DH, I am sure I can do it, to a point, that point being I also know my limits. When I can not physically care for him, he will need to be placed.

Danielle,

You are not alone. I remember your posts and most definitely you should arrange for care for your mother and move back to your city where you want to be.

Your life belongs to you and no one else. You can share your life with others, you can give of yourself when people you love are in need too. You don't owe anyone your life no matter how much you love them, or how old and needy they become.

You're a care slave. Your mother's neediness keeps you in bondage. I've been there and know what it's like to be brought low by it. So low in fact that it nearly drove me to an act of desperation.

No one wants to hear caregivers talk about what their lives are because they fear that it could easily be themselves some day. Even a person's own siblings don't want to hear what THEIR parent is putting them through.

There are two ways it can go for you and everyone in the same place as you.

Either you be your own Moses and deliver yourself out of bondage and to your own Promised Land. Or you remain a slave and turn into a care martyr. Your life will be ruined long after your needy LO passes too because then you will live in the land of regret and resentment. I have seen this happen many, many times. Don't let it happen to you.

You deserve to have your life back. No one here is worthless. Caregiving should never be allowed to consume the caregiver's entire life. When it is, it errodes a person's self-esteem and they get hopeless.

No one deserves that.

My mother still tries to guilt-trip me because I am not her care slave anymore. She still tries all the tactics we're all familar with. The instigating, villifying, scapegoating, berating, belittling, etc... all of them. I pretty much end a call of visit when that starts up. She's lonely and wants my social life. She isn't getting it. I made arrangements for her to be at her city's senior center and she refuses to go. I did my part and she doesn't want it. Be alone then.

Please take your life back like I did. You deserve it back.

Way, something you said a few post ago about not being the same person as you use to be really, resonated with me. Your so right!

I just have no interest to listen to a friend calling complaining for a half a hour about silly problems, then when I mention mom, she is suddenly to busy to chat. I have no tolerance for that anymore.

I don't get mad or sad about it or anything, somedays it's just like the country song, something about not being able to find your Give A Dam
I've lost my give a dam for some people, and minor problems

you are not alone. I'm used to traveling to my office for work , traveling to see grandkids and some other activities and now I feel like I never know when I'll be able to do it again. I think we all feel guilt about wanting time for ourselves.

You long for freedom. All caregivers go through this. I don’t think you’re dealing with a self esteem issue.

You know who you are and what you want in life. You simply don’t have enough time for yourself to enjoy your personal interests.

Wishing you peace as you continue to deal with this challenging situation.

Totally get the wanting to be alone a lot . I’m guilty of that too . I miss being comfortable socializing the way it used to be , it’s an effort now.

Everyone at times do the pretending things when something is bothering you when your with friends.

But doing that long term is hard, and probably effects are mental health

Danielle ,

Yes , I call that the caregiver showtiming to friends. Acting like we are fine , the same old person we were before and living normally as they are. I’ve done that.

waytomisery, that all resonates with me. I tend not to talk about it much with friends who have ‘normal’ lives because I want to fit in and seem normal, too. I know, however, that this experience has changed me.

Caregiving is very isolating . And after the fact it is impossible to reconnect with some friends . Others you can connect with again , but it’s not exactly the same because you are not the same person in some ways as before .

And yes , it makes you question what is wrong with you when you see how friends are living full happy lives and you aren’t able to enjoy life the same as before . It takes time to learn how to live normally again , however somehow it’s never back to how it used to be .

Personally, dealing with my lifelong mentally ill mother , who ended up with dementia as well , caused me to burn out. I was so burned out , I felt I needed to retire early from a 35 year nursing career and do something else .

Interesting question, I think it goes up and down days when I feel worthless. When I can't seem to do anything right for my mother.

I think what is really missing in my life right now is friends. I've pretty much lost them all. Husbands retired and when I'm not with mom , we like to be together. After being with mom all day, then my rather talkative husband, when I do get time, I like to just be alone. So it's some my fault. It started dwindling down during covid. Two just drink to much and I can't take them, they are too busy drinking to talk about my issues. One I really miss, lost her down the conspiracy theory rabbit whole. One friend of my husband, that was here a lot, died.

So that doesn't help self esteem, I'm sure

This forum has helped me realize that happens to a lot of us, so I don't feel so bad now