Resentment over being a caregiver.

Id stop helping him, and when he calls asking where you are remind him of his in home care team and leave it at that. You need to create boundaries he's treating you like this because you've shown him he can treat you like this. Create space, stop answering every phone call, put your job first, put you first, put your daughter first. Do NOT move in with him and whatever you decide stick to it. Wishing you the best.

Burnt, good tip about Al-Anon. Group support to change well set in thinking patterns.

Way, you never know what you will walk on.. A friend said her Brother was a long time alcoholic. He had a short illness, discharged himself home against medical advice then not seen for a while by neighbours. One called the Police for a welfare check. My friend arrived to open the door. Brother found deceased. She said she expected this one day.

As to family cancelling weekend care. Been there. Wore that T-Shirt. Family were cancelling weekend care due to fears about money & weekend rates. Then call me "Oh Dear. No Carer has come'. It may have started innocently... A cancel here & there & the agengy asking do you really need a replacement? Can family come instead? But then it became a habbit.

I started working weekends & made that known. Or busy with *something*.

Then I made it VERY clear.
You cancel the care. You have NO care. I will NOT come.

Did it work? Yes. Eventually. Behaviour changed & care accepted.

It was a lesson in tough love first.
Many weekends my LO spent, undressed & unwashed.

@way

That is true you never know what you will walk into with an alcoholic. I know I was married to one for 11 years. It was the reason why we got divorced. To my first husband's credit , he was not abusive and he never missed work. He was reckless though because he thought he was invincible when he was drunk. He'd be passed out in the yard. Or fall down drunk in a parking lot. He was always sorry and tried his best at recovery but couldn't do it. He died a hard death in his 30's from liver disease and was sick for a long time.

@Bluebells50

Your father is not going to stop drinking and go into recovery at his age. That's not going to happen. I don't know if you know what Al-Anon is. Al-Anon is basically the child of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and it's a support group/system for families, friends, spouses, and anyone who has an alcoholic in their life. They have chapters all over the world and online meetings too. If I were you I'd check this out. Al-Anon helped me so much. It can help you and your sibling too.

You never know what you will walk in on with an alcoholic . My friend’s ex wife passed out in the shower and drowned . Their 16 year old daughter came home from school and found her .

Thank you all for being so supportive. I think this is where a lot of my anger and resentment comes from. Scared of his alcoholic rages when I was a child and also as an adult reverting back to being a child. My mother did not drink and he would always encourage me to to drink and become his 'drinking partner'
Of course all alcoholics deny they have an addiction.
His father was an alcoholic in and out of rehab and ironically like dad lived a long life and did not pass away with alcoholic related illness.
He is a weak man - always using alcohol as a crutch. He could not face being at my mothers side when she was passing away - I held her hand when she took her last breath whilst he sat at home drinking whisky. Never recognised I had lost a mother only his grief of losing a wife.

Well sunny, I feel like your doing the best you can do with what you are giving, just as all of us will preach to you about. Take care of you first! And vent away any time

Alcoholism, is so hard, I think alcoholics are the most selfish people in this life. There brain just can't think of others because they are so busy thinking about when there next drink is. And sometimes trying to get them to do anything like drink more water is impossible. Most of the time your not talking to the person, your talking to the drugs, to the person on drugs.

I know when others say , tell him to stop drinking, if it was that easy there would be no alcoholic's

A friend of mines mother almost died in an airport because she was to busy running from one plane to the other to stop and get a drink. She is good now, better than ever , because she stopped drinking. Almost dieing scared her enough.

My husband's first wife was a bed ridden alcoholic, she was in every rehab in NYS , over and over. He actually use to have to go buy her wine, and bring it to her in bed so she wouldn't die, not because he was enabling her, but he new she could die if she didn't get it

A young person in are area died , he was going through DTs by himself and was a diabetic.

It's a horrible deasses. I've got older friends, we use to party together, they never stopped partying, they are so annoying, I can't be around them anymore.

We are working on the tough love stuff with my step daughter, hearing roomers she is slowing down at least, time will tell.

I am so sorry, keep us posted and take care of YOU first.

@Anxietynacy Thank you for your advice - yes if he stops drinking all together it can be dangerous. When he had the stroke last June and was in hospital they gave him drugs that mimic alcohol intake

I have had to resort to telling the odd white lie - working at the weekends/overtime working in the office and not working from home (hiding the car down a side road) just to get some rest from it all and then I feel so bad for lying as it is not in my nature. He has continued to take himself to the pub twice a day after the de hydrated episode last Sunday - personally if I had collapsed in the street I would have lost my confidence but I guess he is determined to get out. He is clever and manipulative as he no longer replies to a text message or phone call knowing he will get a visit that way. In the UK on line shopping is a minimum of £40 and as a single person he would not spend that much in a week - I tried doing it myself when I broke my ankle and the dates were always short on fresh food.
I fill up his medication box on a Saturday and drop off some food - I go when it suits me - if he is in the bathroom getting ready or at the pub I just leave a note saying what I have done and don't offer to come back again as it has become ridiculous and I can not settle to get my jobs done going back and forth like a yo yo.
Sister and myself have POA she is still refusing to have carers at the weekend due to costs - dad also refuses and just sends them away

I think that’s one of the worst aspects of caregiving. When the person who needs the care doesn’t realize how your life is being drained with theirs. We all only have 1 life. And when years are dedicated to another, the person you’re giving your life to just expects it. I’ve been complaining more lately and I’m told it’s just because I don’t like doing the hard stuff. When if fact you’ve been doing it for years.
My advice is keep your independence. I have a 94 year old mom in assisted living and a disabled husband who’s completely dependent on me here at home.
Both options stink. But once again, my opinion is keep your own home.

Blue, I'm not sure if this has been said but be careful if your dad doesn't drink, DTs to an older person can be very dangerous

Hi Bluebells - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going thru. You've already received a lot of great advice on this from others - so I just wanted to add a few suggestions to you that I hope helps ~

You have to tell your father that now you're having to work weekends too - create your boundaries. Whatever little fib you want to create so you can have peace of mind and replenish. This way, if you decide to see your father, it's only when you want to - and not need to. He'll have to hire caregivers for weekends as well. You can let him know that your job role has changed and, as a result, during busy times of the year, you'll be working overtime - or taking on more work responsibilities, tasks, etc.

Also, it's much easier and time efficient to do any type of shopping for your father online - whether it be groceries, or anything else - they can be delivered right to his door.

Take care of yourself and your own well being. Your father is fortunate for whatever time you give him...but that shouldn't be a given or expected of you - and it's NOT your job!

Wishing you all the very best and continued strength and peace ~

Well, if the alcohol doesn’t do him in, I would look for a pillow. Just kidding tell him the only way you’ll come over is if he starts going to AA. he probably could take care of himself if he got sober depending on his age and conditions. Seriously if he can go to bar two times a day. You should not be sharing your youth and life cleaning up after him. A nice visit once in a while would suffice. And higher back the weekend help so you can have a life too.

"@Tiredniece23 I can relate to this so much, good for you to take charge and step away. My sister keeps dropping comments all of the time about her 'family' work commitments and having two teenagers to look after
I have a life and like you just because I am single does does not mean I have a void or desire to be a full time career. It is insulting and cruel."
Yes it is insulting and cruel. Your sister sounds just like one of my cousins. While I am five hours away, she is literally about 45 minutes from my aunt and kept dropping, "I'm trying to balance family and work." Constantly asking if I can come down and stay for weeks at a time. When I would come by and help, she criticized and questioned everything! The nerve of these family members! This is why I really prefer to stay away from family, as awful as it sounds. I know what you mean. (Hugs).

@Tiredniece23 I can relate to this so much, good for you to take charge and step away. My sister keeps dropping comments all of the time about her 'family' work commitments and having two teenagers to look after
I have a life and like you just because I am single does does not mean I have a void or desire to be a full time carer. It is insulting and cruel.

Reading some of the comments here, I can relate. I was expected to be caregiver for my aunt because I am single, but I work and I live out of state. Family (Cousins) live in the same state, but they were trying to dump aunt on me. What were their excuses? One has a family, the other has two jobs. Meanwhile, I work, too and plus I live 5 hours away.
Mind you, the first thing out of their mouths when they approached me was, "We don't want to put her in a facility, and she doesn't want strangers in her house with her". It was insulting that they felt like I should take on full responsibility of her care, while they sit back and order me around. Oh! They expected me to move in with her. Just give up my life and move in her house and just be in servitude. They were just too busy.
I gave up my power of attorney and just stopped. I just stopped. I got sick and tired of all of them expecting way too much from me than I can possibly give, while they were doing the bear minimum, if that.
I am no longer in contact with them. I send my aunt little care packages. I don't hear back from her because I think she's still mad at me for giving up POA, but I still send to her, anyway. However, I am done with my family. For them to assume so little about my life and they hardly know me at that was insulting. It was as if they thought they were better than me, and I might as well just give up and sit in aunt's house and become a slave.

"knowing I will have to
go to see him at 8pm and make a meal for him".

You do not HAVE to.
You CHOOSE to.

There are many choices.
1. Call & ask how he is.
2. If he is not well, make a Doctor's appointment asap for him.
3. If he says he cannot cook, suggest something light eg tinned soup & toast.
4. If he says he is just too weak to move, walk or has pain from the fall, call EMS.
5. Go physically to check on him if you CHOOSE to. But make it AFTER dinner & ask what he fed himself. If nothing, why not?
6. If he has no food in the house, leave the tinned soup & bread.

If you CHOOSE to keep turning up to make him fresh home cooked meals you are cementing your place as his new daily cook.

Personally, I would be making an appointment with his Doctor at the first appointment available (with or without Dad). To report the collapse & report him as an elder at risk. If he has no food in the cupboards except what you bring, he needs welfare checks to start immediately.

".. dad had collapsed in the street".

This is when you call the ambulance. They come & check him out. If he hit his head or has other injuries they take him to hospital. If he is severely dehydrated, they take him to hospital for IV fluids.

You tell them he lives alone.
They take him home.
They report him to social welfare services if they feel it is needed.

Bluebells/Sunnydays, you have a kind heart ❤️. Now put your thinking hat on. What if you didn't answer that call? Were unable to go? What then?

Dad fell in the street. Natural consequences would have happened. If major, a bystander would call the ambulance. If minor, a friend would drive him home.

But your kind heart got in the way.

Call that fall #1.
Start planning for fall #2.

I asked if daughters were maids.
Now I also ask are daughters paramedics?

Sunnyday,
Sorry about your dad, I'm sure it all just really sucks!!

As for your dad's neighbors, I feel the same way that people are judging, and they actually probably do. I've had moms neighbors say to me , wow you do everything, does anyone else do anything for your mom but you. To the opposite end that I don't do enough.

So they are probably judging, ya just can't care. And do what is right for you, your mental and physical health

Had problems logging in so have had to change my user name to Sunnydays50 sorry for any confusion!

Update from the weekend
So I got a call - dad had collapsed in the street and had to be carried home. I
rushed over - empty bottle of red wine, hot day here. He was very dehydrated
and had not eaten. Gave him lots of water and a salad. He did the usual guilt
trip saying how lovely it is to have a home made meal and company whilst he
eats. He is very weak and can hardly walk so won't be going to the pub or local shop for food any time soon.
I feel everyone in the village is judging me - thinking how can I let him go out
on his own and not be there every day making meals for him.
He has put me in a very difficult position - refused carers in the evening and
refused respite even though I said he is making me ill.
Not slept for worry and I have a 12 hour day ahead of me - knowing I will have to
go to see him at 8pm and make a meal for him.
I feel it is a case of waiting for him to have a fall, another stroke or to be hospitalised

Bluebells, just to add to Beattys post.

You may have been groomed from a young age to be the caregiver, to be the ONE in the family that is expected to do it a from a young age.

I was that ONE in the family, kinda feels like Cinderella at times.

Then though therapy I became the person I was born to be and not the person my family groomed me to be.

When anyone in my family needs something, I slip back to the person I was trained to be, then I have to fight it to be ME again

Bluebells, have any of the replies caused you stop & think?

The last 3 replies by Lily, Burnt & Margaret all raise really important topics. Heavy words like 'duties', 'responsibilities', 'sacrifice'.

"I guess I just feel that is the expectation and obligation for a daughter.."

1. Start here. What expectations do you feel have been put on you?

To keep your Dad safe? Happy?

Supplied with home cooked meals, his home cleaned for him, transport whenever he needs?

To keep Dad able to live just as he wants? Just as he was living prior to his stroke?

2. Then look at WHERE these expectations are coming from?

From Dad himself? Due to some oldy-worldy entitlement that daughters are maids?

From your sister? From HER worries?

From friends, wider family or society in general?

Or from yourself? Based on faith, or within your own value system?

This struck a nerve with me as I just about killed myself caring for my mother on weekends, managing the house, and emergencies, and everything else during the week while I worked and had adult kids at home. My mom passed away about 3 months ago.

There was a lot of manipulation with guilt, too. The thing is, my mom was actually bed bound in hospice and dying. Reading that your dad can get himself to the pub twice a week is a slap in the face. And when your sister texts and asks if you have seen him? I would reply, “have you?”.

I know it’s easy for everyone to say just stop, and much harder to actually do it. But I came to the point where I was about to fake a stroke to get out of my “duties”. Don’t wait until you actually have one. Your dad could live for years and years. You said your dad wasn’t caring for his elders when he was in his 50’s, but somehow everyone decided it’s your job? It’s not.

@BlueBells

Your sister tells you, "Who else will do it - we can't just leave him".

I'm seeing the word 'WE' in this sentence and 'WE' is not single. Not alone. Not a one-person show. Not a table for one.

Your sister is part of that 'WE' so she can step her backside up and take on some of the responsibility for your father. If she won't she should shut her hole and let that be the end of it.

The caregivers your father needs can be hired for him. Or he can go into a retirement community. Enough is enough.

“We can’t just leave him” – why not? Just because he is living on his own? He is a big boy and can look after himself – and/or arrange to hire whatever help he genuinely needs. This is where he needs to make his own plans. He could start with a social worker from the local authority, who can tell him about the 'panic button' options he can use himself.

Tell your sister to sacrifice herself if she wants to, or else to go jump. Or more politely, "yes we can" in answer to just leave him. The answer is 'NO', not "I'm not comfortable with that'.

I cared for my mum when she was diagnosed with parkinsons - because dad could not cope. I guess I just feel that is the expectation and obligation for a daughter to care for the parents otherwise it could be considered as safeguarding/neglect. My sister keeps saying "who else will do it - we can't just leave him". She now wants him to have a life line which is a panic button he can press 24/7 if he falls or needs help - as I live so near I will be the first responder and potentially have to get up in the middle of the night and be on call if he needs help 24/7. I have told her I am not comfortable with this responsibility - I actually think she is enjoying seeing me under so much stress

Dad had a stroke, is declining but can still walk to his pub.. Where his social world is. He may choose to do so until the day he falls of his stool with the next stroke.

So this is about you.

Why have you become his carer?

What are YOUR reasons you are you doing what you are doing?

My contribution to this is that you should stop focusing on him, and think about WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. It’s clearly crazy, he doesn’t need it and it’s certainly not in your best interests. It’s not sensible to look at what he should or shouldn’t do, when the issue is what YOU should or shouldn’t do (probably any and all of it). He is not the only one with bad habits.

Perhaps the most honest thing to do would be to sit down with him and ask him for his long term plans. Then tell him what if anything you are prepared to go along with. That's the basis on which he should plan. Then say that you won’t prop up his ‘independence’ because it is stopping him planning properly for his long term future. Then walk out, and don’t go back for at least two weeks. If nothing has changed then, you are out for another two weeks. Save your own life, and let him save his!

Talk it out with your daughter, and get her to prop you up. Show her these comments, so you don't have to be the one being critical, and see what she thinks. Ignore your sister - she may well be as crazy as you. If you need more support, find a counselor.

@Dawn88
I ask people who get themselves trapped by guilt into this crap:
What has Dad done for you to deserve you as his free slave? Has Dad ever worked for anyone for FREE?
Neither of my parents cared for their parents - they did not live close by but I can not imagine my father giving up every weekend to care for his father/mother when he was in his 50's.
He has always been a very lazy man - something that drove my mother crazy - I know the more you do for someone the more you disenable them.
As a single mum he never once offered to look after my daughter, school pick ups etc not that I would have let him due to the alcohol dependency.
I actually think the biggest problem is my sister. She has put so much emotional guilt on me for not doing more. She sends text asking if I have seen dad during the week and weekends. Some weekends I have just had to invent a 'weekend away' or a 'friend staying over' to set the boundaries.

You have your own home, you don't need his weak "inheritance." No money is worth being a nursemaid and cleaning up soiled bedding. You work 12 hrs and need sleep. You have your own home, job and chores on weekends!

I ask people who get themselves trapped by guilt into this crap:
What has Dad done for you to deserve you as his free slave? Has Dad ever worked for anyone for FREE?

Pick a target date, say June 1st. You are quitting and he needs to hire help. You are not coming to change his soiled sheets every weekend, and have NO INTENTION of selling your home and live with him. PERIOD. You are not going to be his servant/maid, even if he PAYS YOU. He can pay to have help and order his food delivered. You aren't morally or legally obligated to him whatsoever. He has hired people before, he just wants to keep his drinking money.

Tell him Selfish Sister can help him. You have given him a year of your life and you are DONE. He can sell his house to fund his OWN care, and can hire help instead of expecting you to wk for him for FREE. An alcoholic will never change. Trust me, my Mom was one and I got out at 18 and never came back.

Get out of this insane slavery now and don't look back! Tell your selfish sister to deal with him herself. She can move in and deal with his mess. Do not fall for his manipulation.