An observation on 'aging'. From my personal perspective as a 'patient'.
I had major foot surgery 5 weeks ago. I'd broken my foot 4 years ago and KNEW it wasn't ok, didn't ignore it, but also didn't get a correct dx until about 2 months ago.
The result was a clean out of the ankle joint and 2 big titanium staples in my ankle to support it, rejoin the joint and (hopefully!!!) alleviate the constant pain.
I have been almost 100% bed-ridden during this healing. Wow, I thought I had patience, but I don't! I have to knee-scooter through the house and couldn't put any weight on the foot. I've been like 95% good at that, but it's impossible for me to tell if it's going to be a good heal and I will return to walking and having a (mostly) pain free life.
Worried so much that DH would not help me, but he has sursprised me tremendously by actually really helping. I know he has a LOT of guilt leftover from my bout with cancer when he simply checked out and did nothing to help. I think my daughters read him the riot act, he is capable of helping and they let him know that the things he won't/can't do are all things that can be jobbed out.
I now have a cleaning lady and a lawn crew and online grocery delivery--and guess what? When I am back on my feet I am NOT going back to doing all this stuff on my own. I turned 65 during all this and I feel 90. So, I think I have learned a little more compassion. I hope.
It's been an eye opener to see how little I can get done in a day and how much I have to have help with. It's been good for DH to see that my concerns about having a split entry house is a joke for anyone with mobility issues. I've barely been downstairs for 5 weeks!
I've slowly learned what IS helpful and what is not. My best DME was the toilet seat riser--I was 'falling' onto the potty. The removable tub handles--OMgosh--a game changer! Crutches are a joke and I could not get used to them! Having a knee scooter upstairs AND down. Resting a LOT. Healing takes a LOT of energy, I am surprised that I take a nap most days--but then I am up a LOT at night as my ankle hurts the most at night. And NO Ibuprofen, which slows bone growth---and also is the best real pain reliever.
Humbling myself and asking for help--that's been hard. I'm pretty independent, but when someone offers, I now say yes & thank you!
I've had days where I want to bite someone's head off--and since that's not my 'norm' I can see where it could become so. Just getting a shower in and keeping the house tidy (easy, since it's the 2 of us)...and trying to figure meals that DH can cook. (I'm pretty sick of hamburgers)---
This too, shall pass, and although it will be 6 weeks this week and I have high hopes the giant, heavy boot will be replaced by a walking shoe--realistically, I think I'm going to be in this boot a couple more weeks. (It weighs 7 lbs!!)
Been a good experience for DH. He has never done the laundry, and sadly, he pre-sprayed all his golf shirts b/c he spills on himself every meal he eats--and he didn't look at the spray, and used bleach, not grease remover. He ruined 5 beautiful, brand new golf shirts and feels like a total idiot. I haven't said anything b/c he feels stupid enough on his own--but he has been totally exhausted by running the house, and in truth, he's doing less than half of what I do.
Also--this whole experience has helped us to look at moving next Spring as we retire--he wants a house with a huge garage and I want a condo. Before I had this surgery, he simply refused to talk about moving. Now he's seeing that I am aging--whereas before he always referred to me as a little mountain goat--running up & downstairs all day.
Opened my eyes as to what I can expect from my kids as support (not much) and how much I do want us to be independent.
Not really a rant or anything--just feeling very humbled by my inability to function--maybe a little growth in the kindness in my soul.
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I am 72 and retired 10 yrs ago. I keep things tidy (have a tidy DH) but don't do too much deep cleaning anymore. I have no animals and that helps. My house gets cleaned really good if company is coming. I don't push myself. DH is 74 and he doesn't push like he used to. I also have gas heat and I don't get the dust. I use Swiffers all the time.
I hope u can get that boot off. But don't let husband fall back into his old routine. My husband was independent before we married. He has washed his own clothes for 40 years. He just got himself lunch.
I have also been humbled being part of my moms journey.
Having my own health issues in my late 30s and 40s began the start of my new outlook - (still learning). We cannot do it all and life is nicer when we do it together :)
I am happy to hear that you will be less stress and even kinder and easier on yourself going forward 💕
Extra healing coming your way.
Thanks for the update. I know it’s not funny but I had to smile at the image of DH with the bleach marks running down his tummy frying up those hamburgers. I’m thinking your kids can’t image your being disabled to the degree that you need their help. They are very wise to get dad off the bench.
My MIL, who had dementia, used her boot to throw at whatever got on her nerves. Nagging daughter. Barking dog. I didn’t realize it was so heavy. I never saw it on her foot but she didn’t have surgery.
I guess your mom is missing her bingo trips.
I’m glad you are doing so well. You sound in very good spirits.
Like your hubby, magically over time he started to change. Maybe this comes with age. We tend to depend on each other more. And we joke about our old age issues.
I've also learned before speaking "is this subject really worth an argument?" Like today when I found the candy sprinkles that had fallen off of candy while being eaten standing in the dining room, now decorating the dining room floor. I quickly made a joke about us having to eat that candy outside. Before I knew it, he was bringing out the vacuum.
What is it with food attaching itself to our shirts??? Oh my gosh, the chocolate stains. I think we will need to start eating over the sink or I need to order those king size bibs [do they come with lobster tails on them?].
Sig-other also found out the wonders of using breach. I have to keep those products away from him. One day he sprayed his bathroom and used a dark towel to wipe it down. Oops.
We also don't agree on our next more senior friendly home. I think that may be norm in most cases. My folks didn't agree, either.
Keeping my fingers crossed that you will be walking with ease before too long.
Yeah--DH has been remarkably helpful. Doing the things that are basic to a life, not being a superman, by any means, but b/c all these chores are outside his wheelhouse, he really struggles. BUT--he is stepping up and I don't know if one of the girls chewed him out or what, and I don't care--but it is nice for him to actually TRY.
The bleached shirts---I'd laugh if they had been old ratty ones, but they were ALL brand new, expensive Land's End polo shirts and they are totally ruined. 4 so far and I think he tossed a couple out that I didn't see.
AH well!
I know a big part of his helpfulness is that he REALLY hates doing 'my work' and wants me to heal so he can go back to working and having meals on the table. And the laundry....
I see the doc on Wed and as much as I want to graduate to a 'shoe' and beginning gently to do PT, I really think he will keep me in the boot another week.
We'll find a home next Spring. It will work out. We have a buyer for our home and so we have that 'luxury' of time.
Maybe I should be grateful for this...I know he does feel badly about how little he helped when I did chemo. He is just making this up to me.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
You’re a blessing round here.
I don’t know where you are, but here “townhouse villa” is a marvelous combination of low maintenance while keeping some separation and independence. No yard care. Most are one-level ramblers so no stairs. But no walls adjoining neighbors, and you would have a garage.
My DH and I will celebrate our 45th anniversary on the 27th. As in any marriage, we've had ups and downs and tried to ride out both. Long term marriage is not for the faint of heart--we're always going to struggle with certain things, simply b/c we're such different people, but that isn't bad.
My patience at being 'bedridden' has reached its limit, but I think I will have 1-2 more weeks being 'down' I have to find some projects, for sure. I'm very grateful I was NEVER unable to take myself to the bathroom, shower and do quite a lot, even though I'm out of commission. I hope I have been kind to DH, even on the days he's been incredibly annoying/thoughtless.
BTW--before I had surgery, I arranged for someone else to take mom to Bingo. There was no way I was going to all that persuading to get her to GO and then dump her off with no way to get there. Whether I go back to taking her or not is undecided. It's the ONLY socialization she has in a whole week and I think it's important she keep it up. We're masking up around here again, and if they close the Sr Center again--oh, man, that would be awful.
As far as moving---Well, we've basically 'sold' this place and we need to make this change while we can navigate all the stairs and such. Being on a knee scooter has been a challenge. I'm going to have to have all the baseboards repainted, I've smacked them all. DH has commented more than once we could not have a wheelchair in here. So, all this has been a steep learning curve for him.
Funny to me--after dinner last night DH went into the garage and was messing around with organizing stuff. I asked him why? as he will not be using it, really, until he retires, and even then, it's just not what he does. I suggested he clean it out and donate/throw away many of the tools that he's owned for 40+ years and he simply won't need them. He looked at me and said "we aren't moving for 6 months!" So I replied "But you also aren't RETIRING for 6 months--what do you plan to do in that time?" Oh well, he can do what he wants, in the end, we won't be taking a lot of these tools.
Or actually yes I can, and it brings to mind the statement "getting old isn't for sissies"!
I live alone so have had to arrange for food, medicine, and transportation to the doctor throughout. Friends and neighbors have stepped up to help and my heart is warmed by their kindness and generosity.
Because I am almost 80, I give regular thought to how I will manage as I get even older, and this surgery and recovery period has been good practice.
That was wonderful 😊
I was completely flummoxed. I NEVER toss his old clothes, that's his problem, but he did it, and did it well.
He is kind of falling behind on the housework--but that's NOT critical and he's still working FT from home. I didn't think I would ever WISH I could clean and such, but I really, really do. And I want to get back to my projects and start exercising again. I see the ortho doc this am and pray he'll put me in a more 'workable' orthotic shoe and take this enromous boot away---6 weeks of total compliance and I am out of patience.
Yep--it has been a HUGE and happy surprise to see DH step up and learn some skills. I guess you CAN teach old dogs new tricks :)
Thanks for all your support. I have a lot of friends, but some things you just don't want to say out loud--or have out circulating among the neighborhood.
Throughout the 22 years we lived in that house, my DH and I either fell down the stairs or even up the stairs, sometimes with disastrous results. Once, for a house repair, we had a carpenter come to the house, and the first thing he said as he stood in the doorway introducing himself, was that the stairs were designed wrong and were actually missing one whole step which made them too steep. That explains why we had problems. We both vowed that our next house would have NO STAIRS. We now live in a one-story ranch that has a bonus room over the garage - my craft/workroom that DH rarely goes in.
Another stair-related story is my mother - she lived in a 2-story condo with bedroom upstairs, kitchen downstairs. As she aged it became increasingly dangerous for her to continue living there, but she loved it and refused to move. I had resolved myself to the fact that it would take some kind of emergency to convince her to move, and it was a hospital ER doctor who said, I can't release you unless someone lives with you. That was what she needed to hear to force her to move. A crisis is no time to plan for a crisis, but that was how my mom rolled, much to my anxiety, worry, and eternal frustration.
Stairs are such an issue as we get older. Congratulations on having a ready buyer for your current home. I encourage you to search for a single-level house for your next home. You will enjoy it! Every day we are glad for ours. Thanks for sharing! Truly, and best wishes for a complete recovery.
Recent humorous (to me) moment. DH noticed & pointed out some cob webs that I'd been ignoring. I told him where to find the sweeper. He actually took care of it! Not as thoroughly as I would have (eventually), but he did step up with a little underhanded nudge.
I wish you rapid and thorough healing.
Thank goodness for Uber which I used to get to dr and PT appointments. Several co-workers took time getting me to and from work. I worked in a room with 6 men and wasn’t shy about asking them for help with my coat, picking things up, etc.
My biggest challenge was getting the litter box cleaned out! Luckily a neighbor volunteered to do that until I could navigate the stairs.
Like you it helped me take a hard look at my home and make the decision to plan on moving to a more senior friendly home in a few years. No stairs or basement, walk-in shower, laundry on the ground floor, access to transportation, etc. There are only 3 steps into my house but it was still a challenge with the boot.
Im glad you are healing and your husband is learning to help out!
Your perspective has been interesting and I think you have a great attitude.
I'm keeping you in my prayers for continued healing, don't worry you will be back to cleaning before you know it, Lol.
Now have you learned this....when something happens to you get it taken care of right away. You can not neglect yourself. Not to beat a dead horse but I bet if you had taken care of this 4 years ago it would not have been as complicated and even if it was you would have been 4 years YOUNGER.
I have said on this site many times as caregivers we need to :
Know when to ask for help
and
When to accept help
Hope you heal well and you are pain free soon.
On my foot too much yesterday and paying the price today--and all night last night..but the pain is the reminder that I am not 100% and need to dig down and find some patience for the next 11 days. (I am fully aware that I am going to still limp for a while and actually have to re-learn how to walk!) But I now can go into my (incredibly messy!!) craft room and get back to the ongoing projects.
I have alternately laughed and/or bit my tongue from the housekeeping comments from DH. It drives him CRAZY that I will take a stick of frozen butter and set it on the counter in the wrapper and let it thaw. Then I put it in the butter dish. Big deal, right? He can't stand how 'messy' the butter looks if it's been over softened. Also, he has taught me how to flush a toilet properly. I kid you not. How have I MANAGED all these years? A miracle!
The ONE THING that has come from all this and for which I am truly grateful, he sees that this house with the many stairs and single car garage is simply not going to work for a retired couple. It took seeing me simply opting out of going downstairs for days on end to realize how very dangerous stairs can be. Plus, out hallways are narrow, and just buzzing around on the scooter is dangerous. Crutches? Forget about it, my doc just told me they'd simply cause more trouble and the one time I tried them, I about crashed and that was PRE-surgery.
Slowly I am returning/storing all these DME's. Some I will keep, but most were temporary and I will be happy to see them go!
I am honestly sad by the thought of moving. We've lived here 43 years and raised all our babies here. The fact we're seling to family makes me less sad. But I do not do change well and am anxious about a new home.
BTW--today is DH and my 45th wedding anniversary. Considering all the serious health scares he's had, it's miraculous he's still here. We're just going to dinner and having a quiet night.
If anyone has been inspired my my little story about pre-planning, rather than waiting for the crisis--I'm glad I could help, it really has taken a lot of drama to get DH to consider a move. But I'm not putting my kids through the 'what do we do with the folks?' that we went through with mom & dad.
(--Grandma54--I broke my foot 4 years ago and DIDN'T neglect it, just couldn't get a dr to properly dx it. Also I went through cancer in 2019-2020 and then shingles in the midst of it all. Then COVID. Yes, I do wish I'd dealt with it 4 years ago, but it is what it is.)