mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
Follow
Share
Read More Close
8K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?
- My wife's mother is often mean and hurtful ... even remaining silent can still lead to receiving greater insults. Any experience with that?
- How do you cope when the patient is difficult, confused and defiant?
- My lady is 90 been with her two years and watch her go down hill. Am I a bad caregiver?
Start a Discussion
The wife, amused at first, chuckles
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this.
"Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!"
She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
He responded: "Explain the children to me."
(Not one to make a fuss)
But I can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end
The way I think it octopus
hehehe just a bit of memory problem
That's a real "Thinker" of a joke and so true.I think broken bones don't hurt near as much as when someone stomps on my heart~
Thanks for sharing that one~
Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.
Isthisrealyreal
Now that IS funny. hehehe
Indeed, you are correct I am
Beautiful
Intelligent
Talent
Charming and
Happy.
How did you know?
My girl friend and I were driving from Las Vegas to LA, of course two young friends talking excitedly about the vacation they have just embarked on in my new T-Bird. Boy can that thing drive, I would have never guessed I was going 90 mph, so we get pulled over by highway patrol, I so do not want to start my vacation with a huge ticket.
This big gruff, mean looking patrol man gives me the what for, driving at such speeds kill.
Me in my most innocent voice, apologizing profusely, I ask if instead of giving me a ticket, would it be okay if I bought a couple of tickets for the policemans ball?
In his gruffest manner, he looked me right in the eyes and said, "Lady, we're Highway Patrol, we don't have balls!"
After he picked up his dropped pen, he walked back to his car and drove off. Never looked our way again.
This was 35 years ago and I still laugh at how I beat that speeding ticket.
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
lol He should have kept his mouth shut (or stopped at the letter 'H')
Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo."
Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater."
Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence."
Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
.. He felt different yet couldn't figure why.
.. he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers.
.. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.
The chief answered in his typically poetic way.
.."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest.
.. and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."Then, the boy said to the Chief.
.. And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky.
The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name.
.. And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.
. White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy.
.."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"
My brother came home from school and said they made singing clothespins today. He had a clothespin that was painted gold and had a design glued to it. He opened the clothespin wide and started signing one note. What he made was a note holder.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Sceptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,
"She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Anybody can roast beef.
99 Bonk?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
(99 soft legs one wooden)
This was the tenth ATM that I tried this week that had insufficient funds!
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Here are some good one-liners.
I always mean what I say. I may not have meant to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everybody's garden.
You may be dyslexic - if you find that life keeps giving you melons.
You know how sometimes you smack a computer or a printer or some appliance with your hand real hard and it gets back to working? Too bad you usually aren't allowed to do that with people.
Have you heard about the new trend of rectal-colonic bleaching? It's a cure for all those ***holes who need to lighten up.
You're still normal...as long as you put your straitjacket on one buckle at a time just like everybody else.
I didn't trip and fall - I was just doing a random gravity check.
I'm not saying you've crossed the fine line between drinking enthusiast to alcoholic, but the mosquitos that bite you are checking themselves into the Betty Ford clinic.
What do Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
Oh wait - do I really have free time or did I just forget all the stuff I'm supposed to do?
If he yells CODE 2, she best run into the bedroom.
When he yells CODE 3, that means to drop the laundry.
One day he yells all the codes at her. She follows his orders. He runs in and jumps in bed. Wife yells CODE 4! Hubs says, what the hell is code 4? Wife replies, WE NEED MORE HOSE OVER HERE....