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My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory.
As they came off the line,
I would hold them up and say, "yeah, Deez-el fit her."
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A quote from Dorothy Parker, on a new baby: “Congratulations! We all knew you had it in you!”

A quote from Ogden Nash, on seduction: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

A quote from Groucho Marx: “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing something.”
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What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork Chop
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Buzzybee - Please do not leave. I love your jokes. Whoever gets offended shouldn't have entered this thread. READ THE SUBJECT LINE "Enter at your own risk!"

If the joke about forgetfulness is offensive, then let's remove the joke about hard of hearing, and the joke about nuttella/pregnant, etc.

Where does it end? We will have nothing left to laugh about. Don't cave to that constipated individual.

BuzzyBee, please continue posting. I look forward to your daily jokes.
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If a caregiver on a forum that caters to those caring for their often demented loved ones can't make a joke about ALZ then nobody can - whoever is calling you out should pull their head out of their self righteous backside and look around. Don't leave buzzybee, we all count on the smiles you bring.
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Admin - please remove my joke about alzhimers. It has offended and I meant no harm.
I have to laugh at all of our disadvantages or I would go quietly mad. I probably still am. But the only way I can overcome stuff is to laugh at it. It will still be staring me in the face but I will have taken off a little of its devistation.

Sorry to have offended. It was not meant.
I will not post for a while.
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Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said
the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,
the Unicorns
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aah I feel better already, I really needed this tonight :D
thank you everyone!
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for half an hour and come out wrinkle free and two sizes smaller?
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You sound reasonable.
It must be time to up my medication!
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How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.
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According to my mirror I am pregnant.
The father is Nutella.
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Keep me in your thoughts today. I'm going to see the banker. I'm not talking hundreds, but thousands of dollars. I'm so excited that I can hardly pull my ski mask down.
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I had my first date in 2019. Ok...well, it's just a court date, but I'm going to dress up.
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Burp. Belch....pardon me!

It is who you are when you are alone that counts.
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OK So I promise not to do any more "What do we want?" jokes lol
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The worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
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"What do we want? "

"The right to be indecisive! "

"When do we want it? "

"Er. ......."
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I have a problem with escalators............but I'm taking steps to get help.
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"What do we want?"

"Hearing aids"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"
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What do we want!?!

A cure for alzhimers!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?
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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
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What did the squirrel say to his valentine? I'm nuts about you.
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My husband said our relationship had lost the spark...so I tasered him.
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Got a birthday card from the funeral home. I'm not impressed...they only want me for my body.
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Right, this may not be for everyone. Consider yourself warned.
Do you know jokes with a delay? The ones that demand you to think a bit. My favorite is:
 
The man worked at a Pickling Company and was getting more and more anxious.
“You know” he said once to his wife “I often feel like inserting my penis in the Cucumber Slicer.”
“Heavens, honey. That’s stress, you’re working 20 years at the same place. How about seeing a psychologist?”
“Maybe, maybe.”
Another week, and she asked:
“So, are you still thinking about that nonsense?”
“More and more.”
“I told you, you’re too stressed. I know. Take two weeks off, we can go to the mountains, you used to like hiking when we were dating, remember?”
“Hm, I will talk to the boss.”
Another week and he arrived home at the middle of the afternoon.
“What happened?” asked the wife.
“I got fired.”
“What do you mean?! How?”
“Just that. They fired… both me and the Cucumber Slicer.”
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Pharmacist asked his assistant what a patient needed. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any" the assistant continued "So I sold him a bottle of laxatives." The pharmacist yells, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" "Sure you can" said the assistant "Look at him... he's far too scared to cough"
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It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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