Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

I posted this elsewhere but this one made me laugh since I was eight; "when I go, I want to go peacefully, like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."

These three old guys were sitting around their local pub, regaling each other with tales from their younger days. They had been into traveling, safari's, camping, fishing, and the like, and were always out doing each other with who had the better catch, who hiked the longer miles, what have you. There was one of the men who had a great deal of respect among the others, since he had actually been to the deepest jungles in Africa, and had been chased by really big game, and several times had barely escaped with his life. He listened to the other two banter for a while, but finally, he put down his draft, adjusted his belt and told them how it really was. "I was out in the deepest jungle, on this hunt, and suddenly, there it was, the one that almost killed me the last time I was out there. I could tell by the look in it's eye. It was coming for me again. It had my scent. I got downwind. I did everything I could to protect myself, and still, there it was. The hunter had become the hunted yet again. I crept along, slowly,.....slowly..hoping only to survive..had a chance to reach for my weapon....and then, ..as I got in position, the beast made it's move". His friends and half of the people at the pup sat, absolutely still as the old guy went in to great long details about the hunt. "Before I could even think, the beast was breathing on the back of my neck. One false move and i knew it would be all over. and then suddenly.....it jumped, and ROARED...and (jumping up from the table in the pub) I jumped and SCREAMED and ....I wet myself......."

"well that's perfectly understandable" one of his friends chimed in, "being out in the jungle, about to be eaten by a wild beast.."

"NO NO NO NO! FOOL! Not THEN! Just NOW, when I jumped up out of the table, to tell the story and explain how I roared....just NOW, I wet myself...."

Hi. My name is Lyle, I just found you on Google. Love it I'm putting a link on A Facebook "Caregiver network". Thanks for such a enlightening experience , Your bookmarked. lol

Thank you, A fellow Care giver.

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Plan G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!

Perfect! Just perfect!!!

hilarious pfontes - I have just had a neighbour telling me he heard me using a raised voice to my mum. I invited him in to see her.....she was watching her favourite programme and this is going to be amusing so I let him go in and introduce himself once, twice...louder, three times...quite loud......silence. No way is she going to speak to him when she is watching her programme. So then he shout hello....she looks round briefly as I say to him please...you are raising your voice to my mum. he was just about to say something when he realised the humour , shook his head apologised and left

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what .' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)??

'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

WARNING POLITICAL JOKE:
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer the doctor struck up a conversation with the older man. Eventually the topic of elections and politicians came up and what each thought of the potential leaders.

The old farmer said ‘Well ya know, most politicians are like post turtles’

‘Post turtles?’ queried the doctor

‘Yup Post turtles….when ya drive down the road and ya see a turtle on a fence post thats a post turtle’

The doctor still looked puzzled. The old farmer continued ‘Now y’all know he didn’t get up there by himself, he don’t belong up there, he don’t know what to do while he is up there, see he is elevated beyond his ability to function and you have to wonder what dumb arse thought it would be a good idea to put him up there to begin with’

Thats a pretty good explanation of politicians everywhere methinks

Rainmom, I will explain it to you by PM?

My husband does not get the humor in the tadpoles/future turtle joke. How can I explain that? And the fact that Monday is just not going well.....hmmmmmnn.

* warning * very crude joke ahead !!
rainmom ,
the young bull wants to RUN down the hill and bone a heifer . the old bull wants to WALK down there and bone them all .

everybody else is getting by with murder here so here goes ;

love the narc / bull joke pam ..

A horse walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender looks up at him and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who informs them that everyone entering heaven must past an intelligence test. But since they were nuns and had devoted their lives to Jesus, the questions would be really easy.

St. Pete turns to the first nun and asks, "Name three of Jesus' disciples."
"Oh that's easy," the first nun replies, "Matthew, John, and James."
The bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open and the first nun enters.

St. Pete turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was Moses?"
The nun confidently replies, "Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open a second time and the second nun enters.

Finally, St. Pete addresses the third nun. "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
The third nun pauses for a long moment and mutters, "Gosh, that's a hard one."
And the bells ring and the lights flash and the pearly gates open....

Husband seen with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She said. Hunting Flies He replied. Oh! Killing any? Yep, 3 males, 2 Females! How can you tell them apart? 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

And the waxing one would have been funnier if I hadn't spent an evening trying to figure out how to get a wooded wax spreading tool de-fixed from my upper thigh!

I didn't get the one about the old bulls and the young bulls walking down the hill...

Now I know this is an old joke but it does make me smile:
Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pull up alongside. "Hey! Let's see your boobies,
you stuck up penguins! shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superor turns to Sister Immuaculata and says, "I
don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"%^&$ off you nasty little £$%^&, before I come over there and
rip your t3tsic@l3s off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
"Was that cross enough?"

Assandache - that was hilarious! My hubby is forever coming home from work and telling me some bathroom thing that happened that day - remarkable to now know there are code names for it all and it's just not him. Had to cut/paste the entire thing and email it to him. Thanks for my only laugh today, I needed it!

So a DEA officer comes up to a farmer and declares he is going to search the farm for illegal marijuana crops. Farmer says "Yup, fine, just stay out of the field over there." The DEA officers retorts " This is a drug investigation" and shows his badge "You better respect this badge" and decides to start with the suspicious area. A few minutes later he is running across the field screaming, with an angry bull in pursuit. The farmer runs to the fence and yells "Show him your BADGE!"

Mince, after working in construction for about 100 years it's very hard to edit or even dredge up jokes I can share here. It's really wearing me out.......

Windy....sorry for the lame cow jokes....my clean jokes are somewhat limited....ha

Mince, yup, that's an oldie. Heard it in the sixth grade....Here's another animal husbandry joke. Should we be ashamed of ourselves?

The bulls on the ranch have heard a rumor that the rancher has just bought the biggest,,baddest, meanest bull in all of Texas. The local bulls are all talking trash about how they ain't taking no crap from this new guy and he's not gonna get any of my cows, now way, no how.

A few days later a cattle truck backs up to the pasture gate. Before the Cowboys can even open the doors a huge roaring, stomping, snot slinging bull comes storming down the ramp. All the other Bulls take a step back in fear. But one small young bull runs forward, snorting and pawing the ground. His buddies yell, are you nuts? What are you doing? Well, I just want to make sure he knows I'm a Bull!

Windy....this one's especially for you....

The rancher decides that his 2 bulls are getting a little old so he goes to the bull sale and selects 2 fine virgin bulls to add to the herd. The rancher turns in the new bulls with the older more experienced bulls so that they can learn the pasture, where the water is, etc.

Finally the day the rancher turns the cows in with the bulls comes! The bulls are all standing on the top of the hill while the gates are open and the cows are let in. The young bulls are so excited they can hardly contain themselves. The young bulls tell the old bulls...."hey, lets run down the hill and breed a couple of them"! The old bulls say....sonny boys.....lets WALK down the hill and take care of them all."

Jude, your animal facts piece inspired the above bad joke.

A farmer had some prize sows that he wanted to breed with a good hog and make piglets for his kids 4 H project. He heard about a state fair winner blue ribbon hog down the road a ways , calls the other farmer and arranged for his sows to be bred.

He loads these big fat sows on his truck, hauls then to the other farm where they are set loose in a pen with this stud hog. To state it mildly, it was an energetic session. He loads the sows back on the truck and asks the owner of the hog how can I tell this took? The owner said that if the sows were lying around in the shady part of the pen in the morning it probably didn't take and to bring them back.

The next morning he gets up, looks out the window and his three sows were asleep in the shade. He loads them up and repeats the trip.

This goes on for three days. On the fourth morning he just can't bear to look and nudges his wife awake and asks her to look out and see what the sows were doing. She takes a look and tells him, well, its just the damnnest thing....Two sows are in the back of the truck and the third is in the cab trying to get it started.

Did you know
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes (OMG)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death (Creepy….Im still not over the pig) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body…the female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off ……(honey Im home ….what the %^&*?).. The flea can jump 350 times its length ..pretty much like us being able to jump a football pitch (30 minutes…lucky pig….can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (Wonder what is so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day (I still can’t believe that pig…quality over quantity)..butterflies taste with their feet…(Something I always wanted to know) Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump (Okaaaaay so that would be a good thing) A cat’s urine glows under a black light (and I wonder how much and which government paid to establish that fact) An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain (and we all know people like that too don’t we?) Star fish have no brains (Oh I know a few people like that as well). Polar bears are left handed - hm a south paw? Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure (what about the pig…do the dolphins know about the pig?) Smiling? I chuckled reading this on my daughter’s fb page

"Pirates of Pissance".....

Line from movie 'Pretty Woman'
I loved (the opera) it so much, I almost peed my pants.
Opera goer replies, 'What did she say'
Richard Gere, covering for his date says,
(something like) She said she liked it more than 'Pirates of Pizzance'.

Love that Paula

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

Just so as you all understand what Brits are like (and a lot of things apply to you all too so don't think its just us!!!!!!!!!)You know you're a Brit when: I absolutely love this... 😃

What it's like to be British when you recognise these:

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

I got on the scale today and I lost 3 lbs!! Yippee! All I had to do was take the underwires out of my brassiere.