I'm feeling so trapped and resentful. I want my life back.

Sbiesg, I'm sorry that I was short with you. Sigh..I have experienced domestic violence. It's a very touchy topic for me. And I reacted to your words with anger. Because if you looked at her comments, she Has been doing something positive to her situation. Dina is moving forward at HER own pace...no matter how impatient we get. Sorry about that snapping at you.

Dina, if you think that Domestic Violence will help you this time - because you did "stick it out" as they told you before, then I hope this time they will come thru for you.

You are certainly being taken advantage of, but the situation isn't going to change unless you change "yourself". If your husband knows you are going to refuse to do all the work, then he will have to help, unfortunately, this means you will have to actually commit to this statement and turn away from your father in law. That is all the advice I can think of. God bless you, big hug...

Please, please, please stand up for yourself. You don't deserve this treatment or this lifestyle. Evidently no one thinks that you have a right to your own life. I think it's time to sit down with your husband and lay your cards on the table so to speak and let him know that you will not be taken advantage of anymore. His father is his responsibility. You deserve much better. Please don't let anyone make you think that you are wrong to stand up for yourself. You have a kind heart and I think you should start thinking you yourself and your ment5al and physical well being.
I hope I'm not out of line saying these things but I hate to think of anyone going through this. Good luck and God bless.

Dina...go to your friends home. Stay with her for a week or so....and let your husband figure things out. Maybe then he will hire someone for his father...or better yet maybe he will actually see how hard caregiving is. I'm so sorry you are feeling trapped. You can take control and get yourself out...time away will make it or break it. And if it breaks...then he is not worth the fix. I would do something for yourself and give yourself credit for sticking it out that long. You are valuable..and you deserve to be cherished. God bless you dear. I hope things work out for you. (((hugs)))

Ladies, I don't see Dina walking off before her FIL passes and the funeral (which she must plan) is completed. she obviously is a kind and compassionate person.
It would not surprise me if she had her bags packed and in the closet following the funeral refreshments. then leaving to clear her head.
Knowing we are all in her corner must make her feel ever so much better.
No one can understand totally what another person is going through, which is why we often see the road you or I would take clearly, then wonder why our friend coesn't see it clearly, too!
In church this morning I put in a prayer request for Dina. all I asked for was strength and peace for her.
Okay, so maybe prayer doesn't work but then, it can't hurt!

Book, you were very thoughtful to send a sorry post, and of course, you didn't have to. this is a forum for open feelings and reflect our individual experiences. Domestic Violence is a horrible crime that is often under reported. Trying to figure out "what to do" is really tough, isn't it?
It's frustrating to hear that some DV places just give a brush off to people like Dina. That was just terrible! But there are great folks that can be counted on via the national level hot line. (I hope)

Dina, if you read this, here is my advise for the next week.
Be as kind as you can to your fil for he will be leaving this world soon.
Let your husband slide...don't even bother to have discussions with him: not to beg him to do more work, ask and plead for "date night" none of that (ignore his weaknesses and pity him for his stupidity)
don't expect anything from him, one way or the other.(that way you wont be disappointed!)
At this time, for your own sanity, just get through the death with dignity and as much compassion as you can.
Ask for and seek all the help you can from your Hospice caregivers for your FIL. Let them do as much as they possibly can to ease this time for his family.
***************
Now, that is my suggestion for the coming week. If FIL seems to revive, then in second week, maybe time to take a vacation yourself!
Remember, everyone needs something to look forward to.
Bonnie

Dinagrey, I agree with the writer who said have a family meeting. Say this to your husband: "I am going on vacation. Tomorrow and forevermore you have to take care of your father. He's your dad, not mine. My health depends on it. I'm done. You can be mad, so be it. That's my decision. The ball is in your court." Then go pack your bag and have some fun. Or just stay home and have fun, go out to eat, go to the movies, go shopping, go to the gym, and look for a paying job if you want one. But no more nearly free caregiving for fil.

I will say a prayer for you & me.
It is hard to speak up when you are falling apart.
The more you do the more they think you should do.

Yes, I do need a plan.
I believe for years, my husband has been unhappy. I do not think he ever got over his first wife ( songs he writes are mostly about her ). He just kind of drifts along, no plans, no ambitions. I think he is oblivious to his selfishness.
Mt fil gave me another $20 . I think he heard my "plan" over the phone. It's just like him and my husbnad to use passive-aggressive moves, when they think I am about to leave for a while. We will see.
Thanks,
Dina

Dina,

If your husband has never gotten over his first wife, then he most likely does not feel all that connected to you which is very sad. It must get old hearing songs mostly about her as well. My dad is 88 and still not over his divorce which took place in 1960. I don't know how well glued his marriage is, but it has held together since 1979.

Along with being passive aggressive, your husband may be depressed and in need of therapy and meds. Whatever his problems are does not excuse how you are getting used.

You sound like a very kind and compassionate person who probably does not like conflict. However, you have been plainly just too nice! It is time for you to stand up for yourself whatever form that needs to take. Kind and compassionate people do set boundaries so that they don't drown with the drowning. Like they say on the airplane before take off, in case of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to help someone else. Obviously, neither your FIL nor husband value you. You need to value yourself and as a valuable person stand up for yourself. I will close with this, don't try to out passive-aggressive a passive aggressive person. Own your own feelings and ideas directly by phrasing things with I statements like "I feel abandoned when you take off for the weekend" That's better than saying 'you make me feel abandoned when you take off for the weekend" which sounds like an attack.

This is not an easy situation to get unstuck from, but it is possible. I wish you the best.

READ EVERY SINGLE COMMENT IN A THREAD

BEFORE YOU POST.

I just get so frustrated when people post without doing that. I will never forget the time when I forced myself to read over a thousand comments in a thread before I allowed myself to post. First of all it's common sense; you have no idea what may have changed between now and the first post, and Second of all it common decency.

Dina, writing songs for his first wife STILL? Oh my, I pity both of you. :( I believe that You will come out of this ok though. The strongest people are those who know when to ask for help.

Praying for you honey. Hang tight and know that you are on the hearts and minds of many tonight.

I know you may not have time to flesh out a whole plan with all that you are doing right now, but every time that something pops into your mind go ahead and write it down in a notebook so that you don't forget it. Make sure the notebook doesn't fall into the hands of the enemy.

PamelaSue,

I read every single comment in the thread. Plus, in my understanding of online manners, all caps is considered shouting. Well, I hear you load and clear! :)

BonnieW,
Your message just uplifted me in so many ways. When one takes on the responsibility of care giver, esp., live-in, the entire family dynamic is thrown into the mix too.
I need to let go of control. I cannot make my fil do anything he does not want to do.
It's funny......if most of these women and men were to meet me, they would see a funny, sarcastic, strong, mostly positve, grounded and stong-willed. I am also full of passion, love animals, try to help my friends when they have issues.
I write to this site to vent. I also have my own mental health issues too, so believe me , if I think I need a break, I will go.
Plan to call the local Domestic Violence number today. Unfortunately, years ago, I had an abusive ex, when I lived in Atlanta.
I guess, I need to have black eyes and broken bones. But, I will try again.
I know my husband is emotionally abusing me. I know it. I feel sorry for him.
Sorry for him, in the fact that he is about to lose a good woman....me.
Maybe his son's ( form previous marriage ), wife will take care of him in another 2o years, but I doubt it.
thanks,
Dina

You are being abused. You need to find the nearest women's abuse center and check yourself in. Call your husband once and tell him you are leaving until changes are made. With a councilor’s help make out a reasonable list of what you should be doing and how much you should be paid and what extra help should be available. Have him meet you with a councilor to go over the list and stick with it or leave. This man is not your father, it is your husbands father. It is his responsibility to make sure he is cared for, not make you into a slave.

It is hard, you are beat down, afraid to say anything. If you value yourself, your kids if you have them. Write a note, explain why you are leaving, leave this is not going to get better. You are being abused, get out now and only come back if they are willing to respect you. They do not right now. You do not have a marriage, you do not have a relationship those things come with love and trust and coming together to work problems like this out. Your husband is running from this problem. You run until he is either willing to work it out or you walk away free. The alternative is just too scary to think about.

Okay, dina,
What have you been doing?
Did you decide to visit your ADD friend?
How is you FIL?
Keep us posted!
hugs,Bonnie

Dina...please update us all.
We just want to know you are safe.
hugs,
Bonnie (and loads of others, too!)

Dina, Bonnie's right, all of us here ARE concerned! Please come back on and tell us you are ok as soon as you are able.

PamelaSue,

Let's hope she gets these posts! It just doesn't seem like her to just let us all dangle. Maybe FIL died?
Or maybe she ran away from home?

I am fine. Just had a very tough week. I am exhausted. Will write more later.
Love To All,
Thanks

Glad you're ok! Praying for you to have a little rest and a little peace.

Bonnie and all,
I am fine. As i wrote last night,a very tough week.
By Wen., I thought I was goinng to have to check myself into the local mental health center, inpaitent. I could not stop crying.Still had not slept more than three to four hours a night; and a very restless sleep at that.
The Hospice aid was here, so I asked her, to stay and listen to what I had to say to my fil. I told him, that he must have noticed that things were really bad for me and that I needed help. The aid called in the social worker to see if he could go and stay at the care center, as my husband was really busy at work and could not afford to take time off. Of course,my fil scoffed and said he would only go if I was going away for a few days. Then, out of the blue, he asks me, to stop at the drug store and pick up this lotion he uses when I go to the hospital. As if I was just talking about the weather. Am I crazy, or is that just pure and simple selfishness? I mean, I am sitting infront of him, crying, feeling as if I am losing my mind, wondering how I am going to make it through another day, and he asks about lotion?
So, I called the mental health center. Waited all day, no return call. Called again at night and found out the mental health center had also opened its doors to detox. Ahhh, swell. Just what I need to be around. Not to mention, expanded it's room count ( before there were only 6 rooms and they dealt only with mental health) and slam full of men. At this point, I thought, I could not be around a lot of strange men. I found out about a walk-in clinic that opens on saturdays. I thought great. Maybe, if I can speak with them, I can get start taking antidepressants ( I should have been on them months ago). Wrong! Because, I am under the care of another facility, it would be a conflict of interest.. So , Thurday, I called my clinic and the therapist thought if I came Friday, she could get me in to see the doctor.
So, when my husband came home, I told him he would have to drop me off at the community college, north campus, where I could catch the bus into the city. He just acted as if he could not belive I was taking the bus. He just flat out refused to take the day off. O.K. We are talking serious problem here, buddy. I wanted to yell. I am not asking you to drive me to a spa or get my hair done, I am trying to save my sanity; my life.
The next day, rain. I had my bus schedule and umbrella, prepared, or so I thought. Had to transfer downtown to the clinic. I saw my therapist and spoke about my husband. About my depression ( where as before all our conversation had been about my fil ). The doctor could not see me until next wed. To say I was more depressed, was an understatement. So, I waited for the bus and went downtown and just walked around. I had about $20 ( my fil gave me ). I went into an aromatherapy shop a friend of mine owns and she made me a little sampler bag of different oils; some for anxiety, some for depression, etc. and gave me some free samples. It felt great to have a little hope, as I do belive aromatherapy works for me.
Got back to the bus stop and the rain poured down. My umbrella, flies through the storm, and everybody is soaking wet. Well, my transfer had expired, which I didn't know. So, fortunately, I had two dollars left, wet. It's hard to get wet money in a slot.
So around we go, on the bus. By this point, I am ready to just start bawling. I am wet, depressed and a bit angry. So, as the bus is making it's town circle, I notice my husband's shop. I thought I would just get out there and wait in one of the offices. Then I drop my phone, which breaks into three pieces,as I descend the steps of the bus. As I began crossing the street, the work truck pulls up, with my husband in it. His arm was hurting him. He told the guys at work, that he had to pick me up from a doctor's appointment.
So, we began talking on the way home and I tell him about the appointment on Wen. Again, he says, I cannot take off from work. Well, my appointment isn't until 2pm, which means I'll have to leave when he does, for the bus, at 7am. Leaving his dad, alone all day.
I did not nag, nor scream, but I wanted to. I was just too tired.
Saturday, I went with him to buy new work boots and new towels. Oh, I thought, he is finally geting us some new towels. No, the towels were for his truck seats. I put in two different things, each costing about one dollar each and he just looked at me. By this time, I hate him. Still no mention of the doctor's appointment or the blood test I am suppose to have ( the blood test is routine, because of a medication I am currently on ).
By Sunday, I still am asking him about the doctor. By this time, I have made up my mind, either I am going to the inpaitent clinic or domestic violence shelter, by Monday. That night, I was just so sad and hurt. That these two men, that I take care of and treat well, could care less about me. I felt like I was nothing. A no one. I thought about a lot of things. A way out. and I prayed, like I never prayed before.
The next morning, my husband calls, and tells me not to worry, that he will take me to the doctor and my blood test and that he loves me.
Why in the hell, would he put me through all this for three days? My guess, is he talked to one of his co-workers or friends.
Well, that was my week. I keep praying for the strength. I keep praying for some semblance of my life back. I did paint yesterday and some on the satuday. It is very theraputic. As long as I am outside enough, I can get through most days.
Thanks to all,
Dina

Dina, you need to get out now!!! I understand compassion and wanting to help but if you are not feeling 100% then you are not helping anyone most of all yourself. My ex-husband was so much like your husband it was like reliving the three miserable years I spent with him. Please, please just leave, your husband and FIL can just figure it out themselves. I guarantee you that your husband with the POA will cough up the cash for someone to come care for his dad so he doesn't have to. You are worth so much more than they will ever credit you with.

It sure sounds like hubby FINALLY began to doubt that he could take you for granted and maybe realized that you are a real person with real needs and limits, not his perfect mommy-wife who can take care of his whole world. He has some growing up to do. My situation is milder but similar, and there are times I penetrate my husband's sheer laziness and obliviousness; it does not always last long in all aspects so watch out for that. If you stay with him, he may think things will be back to "normal" and expect you to go back to the ways that made you sick in the first place. Most recently I had to tell mine that I was feeling like nothing but a dollar sign to him as he would not stop yammering about multiple expensive things he wanted me to buy for him, while doing nothing with the funds he has socked away for things we agreed we both needed. A FIL with dementia might be excused for asking you for his favorite lotion on the way back from your critically necessary mental health treatment, and hubby gets maybe half a point for asking someone if he was out of line and actually listening to the painful answer...it is hard but it sounds like you are on the way of making change that your whole family needs, even if the guys don't quite realize it.

oh dina, i am sorry. i can absolutely relate to all of it. we told my fil today we are separating and he says wait and rushes off....and comes back and offers us chocolate cookies. i hope that when the Antidepressants kick in you feel a bit stronger and i really hope that your husband starts to man up and take care of you. sending you hugs across the miles.

Dina, Susan knows what you're going through. I remember when she first found this site and started posting. Her situation was a bit scarier because they live in Germany and she's still learning the language. She really tried to keep the marriage and tend to her FIL. Her FIL treated her badly only when they're alone. I really thought, Susan, that when your husband finally heard how his father was treating you, that he would continue to side with you and present a united front to his father. Sorry, I missed the in between events in which led to you both are now separating. You know you really did try your best for both your husband and FIL. I, too, am sending HUGS to you across the ocean...

Dina, thanks for letting us all know you are still alive! When we didn't hear from you for days I for one was getting very worried!
Looks like you made the best effort possible to get some help and relief from the terrible emotional state you are in. Very proud of you, Dina...not so proud of the people/organizations that you tried so hard to get help from last week. Really sad and it makes me angry, too.
where the dickens do you live? If you do run away, leave that area and go to a better funded place!!!
You didn't say what came of the call from Hospice aid to their office regarding a respite place for your FIL. Can they still get you some help there?

Best to you!
Bonnie

Love and prayers for you Dina!

Just run away. Do you know what I did when no one listened to me? and I mean my doctors as well. I told them I was going to kill myself. THEN and only THEN did I ever get anyone's g--damned attention. Is it drastic? Of course. But when everyone pushed me they got what they got. I was a woman seeking a bed in a man's VA and I was tired of not getting a bed in the damned psych ward for the last several months. I found the way in. Was I suicidal? Yes, but I had children and was working very hard not to go there. It's just that I knew if they didn't help me it might be too late, so I threatened them. This was back in 1992.

Don't be polite anymore. To the doctors, Refuse to wait for a bed. To the husband and his father, Refuse to stick around the house. Tell them this is what you want and you want it now.

Hay Dinagrey hope you find happier moments everyday. Just be careful. Holding on to what little they give is slowly reducing your chances of getting away. Wait for your moment , that word , phrase or act that will be the last one. It will come, just recognize it when it gets here. You will be okay without them. They have taught you to survive in minimalist circumstances, take advantage of it for your own self preservation. Like you, I don't have a lot of time to correspond here, but I do feel when I read the threads...I feel something different and that's working for me. I know what your saying about the d**n Dr.s ! I have an over achieving child that needs to see a psychiatrist for suicidal thoughts. (long story, but this caregiving gig I'm strapped with hasn't helped anyone in my family except MIL) I have spent hours every day for the last 10 days trying to get someone that will see her. The school psychologist blow her off because she is doing great in school (what could possibly be wrong?) The HMO doesn't pay, so no good Dr.s accept the plan....and get this, they won't accept self pay...Why? Not sure but it's very exhausting to know there is no one that will help. She sees a wonderful counselor (who is trying to pull favors to get her seen) but she can't prescribe meds. and at this point the counselor is telling me it's cruel not to give her some kind of pharmaceutical relief. What's a Mother to do? I haven't slept with the fear of what I might find in the morning. Sorry didn't mean to go off on my thing. I understand what your going through it's all very real and sad that this society does so little for the metal health of people. I wish I had something other then commiserating with you, but I think you know what's best for you and it sounds like you are doing what you can for now....Good luck be well find that happiness (love to see you paintings)

Lovestinks, incredible how difficult it is to get your daughter the necessary help when you see in commercials, news, etc...how so many teens commit suicide. I made straight A's in high school, and I was suicidal. Just because you're doing great in the outside doesn't mean you're doing great in the inside. We're very good at blending in with the "normals." Why do you think so many family are shocked when people actually do the "deed." or "the plan."

If your daughter is willing to seek help, can she try calling the 1800 number?
Or maybe you can check out this website for teens and teenage problems at....teenhelp....I would Google more but I'm really tired (late at night here.)

I hope you will be able to find help before it's too late. Weird how they won't accept self-pay.