I have been my father-in-law's caregiver for two and a half years and I honestly do not think I can take much more. The hospice nurse feels that he has possibly six to eight weeks left, but she jokingly said that he could be here another year. He has end stage copd/emphysema.
I do not love my father-in-law and he is so manipulative that I just end up resenting him more everyday.
I am at the point of just doing what I need to do. Every suggestion I have made, i.e., sitters, medical alert system, hospice volunteers, he has just refused. He receives a decent check every month, so he could afford this, no problem.
He tries to micro manage everything I do. I am so stressed out that my doctor put me on Klonopin. I am always sick to my stomach, headaches, body aches.
My husband works in Landscaping ( more hours in spring and summer ) and now has started to spend every saturday with his son and now wants to spend week ends at his cousin's horse farm.
I just feel that they both are treating me unfairly.
I have not had a paycheck in over two years and my clothes are literally falling to pieces. I am use to working, and having my own income. I cannot remember the last time I have had anything new, or even had my hair cut.
I am really trying not to sink into self pity, but I am just so angry! My father-in-law gives me $20 a week for all the work I do.
I just feel like running away.
The last time I broached the subject of getting more help from my husband, he exploded and stormed out of the house.
He is not my father and I know my husband should do more. even when he is home, he is either working in the yard or on the computer.
As more time goes by, I dislike the way my husband is handeling this and I have lost some respect for him. I feel this whole expierence may ruin my marriage.
What else can I do? I am at my wits end.
My daughter could have written that! Those are her terms "normal" and "regulars". I fear that the internet has harmed her more then helped...so many options...so much information with out anyone there to validate it. Like I said she is an over achiever so there is no rock left un turned. My Insurance broker just informed me it is his job to help me with this, that's what he gets a commission for. When I told him she was seeing a counselor he went crazy and said she wasn't covered and out of network and I need authorizations blah, blah, blah. I tried to explain I already called the HMO and got her name from it's website...Still insisted that she isn't in network. When I checked "my claims" on the HMO website it showed that the counselor has already been paid 6 claims since February. So what does his commission pay? For him to tell me I can't when I obviously can? AGGGGH.
I started Googling on the painless and most effective way to commit suicide. In the meantime, I emailed, called, texted siblings of my home situation, the feelings of resentment, anger, etcc.. building up in me, how I'm now researching suicide online. NOTHING was done. I was Ignored. I finally found the Right Suicide for me. I knew how to do it, where (so that my body can be found) and the means to do it (all within easy access.) Finally the day came, when I woke up one morning, and found myself crying so hard in the restroom. I decided that I will kill myself on Friday when my bosses return from their trip (only 3 of us in the company.)
A part of me knew that this was IT. A part of me - the fighter, the survivor - did not want to die. I came on this site - on another person's thread - and cried for help. I got it. This site saved my life - last June. Since then, I was able to rearrange my thinking towards my "useless" siblings and moved forward.
Since then, I spent weeks venting, venting all my anger, resentment and bitterness here. I am just sooooo glad that in those weeks, all my commentors were nice to me. No subtle blames or anything because I was truly in very fragile state. I was able to become somewhat whole inside and am no longer so bitter and angry with my siblings, with the world, with God. I finally forgave God in November (??) last year. (Has to do with the commandment to HONOR our parents...)
Believe it or not, I am no longer suicidal. It is soooooo strange to live daily and NOT have suicidal thoughts lurking!! It just amazes me and I really don't even know how I got rid of it. Just that one day, I was soooo stressed and was sooo shocked when NO suicidal thoughts popped up. Huh??? That was when I realized I had stopped thinking of suicide and never even realized it until then.
Sorry, have to go....father is complaining about his pampers and breakfast. Later!
I am relieved to know it's possible to have things just turn around for the better. I had no idea you had such a rough beginning I should have read your public profile. You are very young for all your knowledge and the valuable insights I've read in your threads(haven't had a chance to read them all). I was just caught up in the whole society does nothing for mental health and tired of people getting paid for doing jobs they don't actually do....really.... we are caregivers we have to manage every minute of the day a totally daunting, exhausting and thankless job...for me to spend hours on the phone for days....time I just don't have, then some suit that sits at his desk all day taking home a cool 50,000 a year for telling me I can't when I obviously can cause I did.... there is something very wrong with the process. The sad part is that suit is no different then any politician now a days making the decisions for our future. Get this, he kinda accused me for her over achieving explaining that he didn't care how his daughter did in school and let her basically raise herself and she doesn't need a mental health professional. She doing fine in community college. He has no idea of our pressures from the family and caregiving....Was I so wrong to reward good grades and ignore bad? Was I wrong to tell them that if they were reading they didn't have to do chores? I am venting again sorry, I need to get some sleep. That "salesman" hit a nerve. Both my daughters are book lovers.
Dinagrey, I know this is your forum....just went off a little...still thinking of you and wishing you well. Pamela Sue is right it's amazing how much more attention you get when you threaten suicide...it's really sad that you have to go that far. But it's true :(
I am on a drug program, that assists with the major meds. The doctor did start me on cymbalta ( yes ). Gave me enough samples and free prescriptions for two months. So I do not have to see her again, until June.
When I told my husband, he looked at me and asked " how are you going to get there?" Then he complained about how much money he lost, because he took the day off and how his co-workers must hate him, because he was not there.
Now, let me add, that I refer to him as my husband, but we are not legally married. We have been together 8 years. It was just easier for to type father-in-law, instead of boyfriend's father. Any way, I would not marry him, if he was the last man on the planet.. I am beginning to really dislike him more and more.
He kept going on about the money he lost that day and I said what about money I have lost in two years, because I have not had a paying job, looking after your dad. On the low scale, about $24,000.00. All of a sudden, he does not want to talk about it.
I also receive EBT, about $200 per month, so in reality, he does not support me, fianancially or emotionally.
Lovestinks, I know what you are talking about........there will be a moment, when I know that I just cannot tak eit any longer, well, that moment is on the horizon.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words.
Dina
ps
lovestinks, i hope and pray that you can get the help for your daughter.
Now I see why you said you wanted him to provide a car and some money to get re-established when you leave.
However, I'm not sure he is going to do that from the sounds of it all.
How is the fil?
Can you get away for a few days?
You do need a (new) life back. start planning what you want your new life to be like! Get focused and look for positive paths.
hugs,
Bonnie
No, my boyfriend probably will not help me. He has before, a bit. He will, at least, drive me to a job, after his dad passes. Then, I can save some money.
The last place we lived was very nice, one block from the water, but we had two roommates and between the two of us, paying almost $1000.00 per month. It is painfully clear to me, that he did not want to live alone with me. Even friends, would ask, why we didn't get our own place or why he didn't ever take me out. I just told everyone we were homebodies ( which we are ) and loved the water too much to move into a small apartment. It seems as if I have always made excuses for him.
When I think back, on how we met and the situation he was in, I could kick myself. His wife of 28 years had just left him two months before. He was sick with diverticulitis and I felt so sorry for him. Even back then, I took care of him. I was a manager of a storage facility and was working crazy hours, but I loved it. A two bedroom apartment was even provided. My mother got sicker, so I had to take care of her and leave my job.
I have always worked and/or gone to school. Active in my church, volunteering, friends, staying busy.
I am also bipolar and take medication for that. I just began antidepressants.
I am thinking about applying for partial disability.
I guess we all can only take one day at a time and pray. I know God has a purpose for us all. And, I am standing up for myself ( which is one of the things I prayed for ) Sometimes, I think, this man is not God's plan for me, maybe that's why it is not working, but there is a purpose for me as a caregiver for his dad. I know that much.
Thanks to all,
dina
I do not usually make comments on any posts on any sites, but the heading on your post caught me because I feel the same as you lately..... beyond desperate, and I mean that in all aspects of mental, emotional and physical. I have so much I'd like to say to you, but I can't at the moment as I have caregiver deeds I must do and I will not finish them until about 11:00 pm. I will check back with you later. Hang in there for a minute more girlfriend. BTW how old are you?
There are some interesting articles on financial planning and such in this forum which may help you decide the best path for your mom.
8 years! My goodness. what has that done to your life?
Do you have additional support, help in doing this caregiving?
Bless you!
Bonnie
Have you thought that God's plan for caring for the fil was the extent of the plan? Meaning you are with his son only to provide a Goddriven path to the father? People come and go in our lives as you well know.
It still seems you will need a respite from both of them after all...
Can you confide in your brother? Would it be possible for him to be a solid rock for YOU?
Sounds like you will need some financial and physical help in getting all this sorted out. Having the medical conditions mixed with these trigger areas, isn't good for you.
Hope the antidepresents work for you. Do you like the doctor? Does s/he listen to you and ask about follow up to see if the Rx really is working? I forgot what you are taking but all these Rx's have different affects on different body chemistry. Some may help perfectly and others may have little affect.
If you aren't feeling much better in two weeks, call the doctor and describe when and how you are taking the meds...any chance they interact with the other meds?
You should also be given something that can be taken for immediate action. Meaning, when you are getting overwhelmed, a quick action pill like ambian or Lorazepam (generic). That is not for daily use, but will help within 30 minutes of taking it. Of course, check with your doctor, I'm just thinking of your panic times and crying fits...all of which makes perfect sense with your life right now.
Take care! Bonnie
I will be 50 this oct.
Dina
But, do you have an attorney, power of attorney, health care proxy and a living will?
Who is your advocate?
Who is looking out for you, Dina?
You are a very smart cookie, compasionate, loving, caring, hard working, faithful...and maybe even fun loving!
You have grown in my admiration over these past few weeks.
Here is a thought for you about Faith
When you come to othe very end of your knowing\
When you reach the edge of all the light you can see
and you are forced to step out into the unknown
FAITH
is knowing one of two things will happen
you will step onto solid ground or
you will be taught how to fly.
Dina, hang on girl to your faith.
Bonnie
When I asked for help from her daughter, we ended up in a huge fight. That was the last straw for me. After that fight I told my husband he needed to sit down with his siblings and explain to them that I was now out of the picture and they were all in charge of their mother's care.
That was when they all decided it was time to place their mother in a NH.
Whatever you do decide, stand your ground and do not give in to their apologies, that is just to get you to continue doing everything.
Let your husband know it has become too much for you and you can no longer deal with everything. Tell him it is up to him now (and any siblings that may be in the picture), since it is his father.
I didn't have to do what Pamela Sue suggests, but if you feel you need to do that because your relationship with your husband is to that point, then do what you need to do for your own health and peace of mind.
Is this marriage even worth being in?
Your husband is escaping. You need an escape. You are not your husbands slave or your father-in-laws servant.
Why are you living in his house? Because he wants some since of power and control. Is the house free and clear meaning paid in full? Is the house in your husband's name or his father's. You can go to the county court house and find out. Also, see if there are any lien's against the property.
Private care where I live is $16 to $24 an hour.
Dina. How is your brother?
I try to go late afternoon and into dinner to feed her and spend more time. The caregivers said " just shake her, keep shaking her, to make her eat." I said no.
And don't purée her chicken and carrots with the fruit because she can chew.
They do that for 2 of the catatonic women. God help us! I'll go back earlier tomorrow, take her for a walk around the block to wake her up. I prefer the fresh air method. I hope ALL besieged caregivers had a pleasant Saturday. I am not besieged, but I was a couple years ago. I remember, and I always will, and you have my deep empathy for your sacrifices. XoxO
How is your Mother today? Did you get the walk in and was she more alert?
Bet you are very worried. Not wanting to eat or even wake up is not a good sign.
Does she have any favorite smells? I've done some "interviewing techniques" programs and smells are one way to stimulate the mind. If she had a favorite perfume or flower...try to being that around. If she liked Pumpkin Pie bring some of the spices on a piece of buttered toast and float it under her nose. Vanilla? Cinnamon? Any thinig you think might make her say "Oh, that smells so good!" Are you allowed scented candles?
Hope the weather was fine for the walk. Great idea.
Let me know how it went.
xxoo, Bonnie
Is your mom recovering from pnuemonia? Still under doctors care?
This may be totally impossible, but could your mom go with your dad into the facility and then when she is well, go back home?
Yes, Bonnie, I did see my brother, a short visit, but a good one. We just did normal things, lunch, some shopping and he took me to my favorite garden supply store.
I have just decided, when I have a chance to get out for a while, I am going.
My fil even gave me some money to buy some herb plants. My garden is one of my greatest joys.
I started thinking tonight, that we all, as humans, are faced with problems and hardships throughout life. If one can find joy in the simple things, then you cannot stray to far off the course of a happy life. And, also, take care of yourself first, or your no good to anyone else.
Not to say, that I do not have trying times with my fil, cause i still do. Just the other day, I asked him if he needed anything, because I was getting ready to take a power nap. My new meds., make me a bit sleepy. Within 10 minutes, that time you hit rem sleep, he comes close to my room, complaining because I forgot the buy milk. I very calmly told him, unless it was an emergency, that he was not to bother me when I take a nap. I belive he took me very serious, as my little 15 lb. dog, does not allow anyone to bother me if I am in bed.
Not to say, that my partner and I do not have our problems, but I do think things are o.k. for now.
I cannot make up for a father-son relationship that never existed. As they say, it is what it is.
My strength comes from God; I know it does. Prayer works.
Care to all,
Dinagrey