My husband aired some of his grievances this morning and while many of them were the same ones I have - worries over money, trying to find people who can help with Mom, too far from family - I feel responsible for the situation we are in since it is my mother we are taking care of. I've tried some of the things he has suggested and he doesn't understand why I stopped doing them - like taking Mom to festivals because they are confusing and overwhelming to her, not taking her to church because she is always late in the morning and then when we get there, no one talks to us and I have to escort her everywhere. It's almost worse when your husband makes unhelpful suggestions than when your siblings do.
I feel so sad and defeated.
So his plan is to have her move in with us. But he expects to go off to work everyday. And has no plans to for her care. So where will that leave me? I work too. So who's home with mom who shouldn't be left alone. Frustrating! My current position is to take a break from seeing or caring for his mom and let him do what he wants. This is a definite wedge in the relationship and how it works out is yet to be seen. There are no easy answers and no solution except to hang on.
When I read stories like then when one spouse looses themselves and their marriage by putting their caregiving ahead of their spouse, I wonder if they mix unless it is a strong marriage with firm boundaries and does things like you list above. I'm sorry that at this point you have more of a roommate than a wife.
that being said the caregiving is challenging, demanding, disruptive. being woke up 2-3 times each night adds to frustration. as far as marriage is concerned, i don't see any resemblence to marriage we had to the one we have now.
i have talked with my wife numerous times about self-care, having time alone as well as together, getting in home help, adding another bathroom as we only have one. each of these have been met with resistance. after 8 months we finally got a care-giver in 4days/week, 5hrs each day. finally this week she will begin a local support group/class. something i suggested and do from the beginning.
so, from my experience it is imperative if one has a spouse or long term SO, do not ignore the relationship. do not expend all energy care-giving and have none left for the marriage. when a suggestion is made, do not ignore it or come up with excuses as to why it won't work.
at this point i am not sure marriage and caregiving, in this case for an elderly parent go together. my wife hasn't asked me to leave, and i wonder sometimes if this may be the best thing. yet, the thing of it is, prior to any of this dementia for wife's mother, her mom was adamant she did not want any of her kids taking care of her, or her living with them.
dementia is a family disease and effects everyone in the family.
i take lots of deep breaths and move with this one day at a time. i am certainly no saint and i'd like the marriage back.
respectfully, thomas