I have only lived with mom for six months and I am already regretting my decision to do this. I have two sisters; one that lives in NY so she has a built in excuse, the other is local but does not help at all. She will visit mom for an hour or so most Fridays (I work full time during the day) but when I asked if she could change the visit time last week to Thursday night so I could attend a friend’s birthday party (it would be the first time I have done anything other than work and go home), she told me it was a work night for her and she was allergic to the smoke in the house. So, my sisters are no help-emotionally or financially.
In fact when I couldn’t manage to move to mom’s overnight (which people actually expected me to do so “she wouldn’t be alone”) I called my NY sister who was staying with mom thru the funeral and asked if she could delay her trip home for one week while I moved. Her reply was she hadn’t planned that and she didn’t have the right shoes... so she went home. No one offered to help me move or even asked how I felt, all I heard was they were so glad that they didn’t have to worry about mom anymore.
When I moved in my local sister had canceled my mom’s newspaper. Her and her husband had decided that mom couldn’t afford it. Mom said she was crushed, that she loved the paper so my son paid for her to get it back. I have fought for everything that meant something to mom. My sisters are all about the money, and have told both mom and me that if she runs out of money she will have to go into a state run facility or be homeless. They wouldn’t help financially. So although I have less money than the other two, I pay rent, I pay for anything that is just mine or my dogs and I pay half of everything else. I have less money now than I had when I lived on my own because I thought Mom needed me to do that so she wouldn’t see her money decline fast and it worry her. I took on the fight for mom and in the meantime I became the villain in the family. That was fine because I felt mom needed a person to fight for her.
Now I realize that Mom is not who I want her to be. She left me and my sisters when I was three years old. I never held that against her because I don’t know the whole story and we all have regrets so in my mind my mom was a wonderful person that truly loved me. What I heard this past Friday night made me realize that my family is toxic, all of them. How could I have allowed myself not to see that and make this move where now I am truly miserable?
Last Friday night I overheard a phone conversation my mom had with my local sister. I was shocked to hear mom tell out and out lies on me. She said things like I leave her alone all the time, that it’s all about me and what I want-that one almost sent me into a heart attack. It’s all been about mom, all of it, I have given everything I have (literally I had to give or throw away all my possession because I was told anything I brought with me had to be stored in my bedroom )and done everything I know to do and to hear that, I just really couldn’t handle it. My heart broke.
After she hung up I went upstairs with my knees just shaking and I confronted her. She called me paranoid and told me that her or my sisters haven’t done a thing to me, it’s all in my head. I felt so crushed. So I told her it’s not paranoid when you hear it and I repeated back to her some of the things I heard. She immediately said things like “I wish I could just die” and “this is going to kill me ”. Finally, I told her that it was fine, that I was ok, that it doesn’t matter…but it does. There is no talking to her because she acts like her “nerves” are shot and will reach for the anxiety medicine if I confront anything. She actually told me one night when I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet that if I didn’t go to McDonalds and get her what she wanted that she would tell my sisters. She said it kidding, but now I’m not sure she doesn’t tell them all kinds of lies. I believe now she has played us against each other, that she loves drama and she has always had my pop to complain about, and now I think I have taken his place and I will continue to be criticized no matter what I do.
I feel like I have no family, like I’m the villain and I am the one that is giving up everything. I don’t understand how this has happened to me. I have never done anything with less selfish motives; I have never given my life over to anyone the way I have to her. I wait on her hand and foot and don’t mind. I clean up her bowel movements all over the place and never complain. I rush home from work and cook dinner and do dishes and do everything else all the while trying to keep her company. I’m doing all I can do.
If I move out I m not sure what will happen to Mom. She can’t live alone, she’s sick too much and she has never had to take care of herself and I don’t think she can. I really hate my life and I don’t see it changing if I stay. I am venting…..
You feel an obligation to uproot your life for your mother. Your sisters don't feel the same obligation. Sounds like there are some painful family dynamics here.
Dunwoody's advice is right on. You gave it a shot with your mom and it's not working. You deserve a decent life of your own. Have a heart to heart with your sisters. Just be honest-this plan is not working. Tell them you need their help getting mom into a better situation. Check with elder services in your community to see what services are available.
I was the caregiver. My mom did all those things... talked about me, was nasty to me, when she was jazzed to see my brother once a year! Quit my job, didn't get a new one, was her care giver 24/7... when she passed away, my brother said wasn't it nice that she was never sick (after I took her to the hospital and was her advocate, sat with her the whole time.... many times the last few years).
It will become like the twilight zone. The best advice I've gotten here...
Tell her you love her every day and hug her if you can. No matter what, one day she will be gone.
Try to remain kind.
Most importantly, take care of you own health and your life. Decide what your goals are and set expectations with her and with siblings. (they will re-write history after she is gone... mine did... it is easy for absent people to forget, or to manipulate things in their heads ... while you give, give, give money, time, love... they will later minimize it).
So, set expectations early. Take an inventory. Keep records.
Take good care of yourself. Unlike children, our parents do not grow up and become independent. They grow older and become more dependent. Be very, very careful of this path. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.
As for who your family is... someone said here that she has no family. As ugly as my family can get.. I have a family and I choose to recognize them and work with them through these difficult times. That's what family is... at times loving, often challenging, sometimes shockingly ugly and confusing. Do your best to be the voice of reason, but never think that things will work out for the best, unless you are part of the logical, clear thinking, clear communicator, WITH documentation and records.
I worked on my mom's estate for 8 years before she passed away. It has been distributed equally among all siblings. Far more work was done by me than by the others. I am learning to be happy that there was something to distribute. I am happy that I did everything I could for my mom, even though she could be brutal to me... particularly when she was afraid. She acted so self assured, but she was afraid... and although she was nasty to me, and it hurt me a lot, I had to keep telling myself she was just scared, helpless and getting older, and older every day.
Wishing you strength and kindness throughout this process. This is a great time to get on top of it... remember, she will not grow up like a child, it goes the other way and it only gets more and more challenging. My very best wishes to you.
I hope you find the love in your family where ever it may be.
If people cannot value what you are doing, and of course they do, but will not admit it to you. then say enough!
You will go batty otherwise.
The world is full of selfish people, and they all get to be a relative of someone.......
its been 16 yrs (8 of which ive been a full-time caregiver) and I know I CAN'T :-) LOL W
I have been going through many of the emotions you feel for 3.5 years. I've learned how to deal with most of them, but the lack of respect has been damaging to the self esteem.
If you are very unhappy, you may want to look around for other arrangements for your mother. There are many ways to take care of her without sacrificing your happiness. You don't owe anyone your happiness. I don't know why your mother left when you were three and didn't take you, but I assume it was because she was very unhappy with something in her life. She should understand if you also need to leave.
Our parents often lie to others about us. I have come to expect it and just let it roll off of me. I don't even confront my mother when I hear it. It is just an attempt to get some attention and sympathy at my expense. She doesn't do it as much now as she used to, so maybe she is getting more accustomed to my face.
Let us know what you decide to do. You have given up so much to come home and, like many of us, your sacrifices are going unappreciated. Sometimes we get lip service from people about what wonderful children we are and blah, blah, blah. Personally I wish people would do things that had more substance than telling us how wonderful we are.