My mother is 94. She refuses to let me clean. She keeps dirty dishes, newspapers, books, old pie boxes and chip packets in her bed. I've found hundreds of mouse droppings under her pillow. If I try to remove the items from her bed there is a huge it argument. when I go in to clean her room she wails like a stuck pig. My stress levels go through the roof in seconds. After 2 years of stress, I've now got thyroid cysts (possibly malignant) while she is going strong. She will surely reach 100. We can't afford a home for her. I have to get someone to take her away to be able to clean and its only seldom her brother can help me with this. I'm beginning to hate having her with me. She has always been disorgnized and dirty. It's not related only to Alzheimer's, but age and inability to smell made it worse. Her room smells nauseating. I've spent 2 years cleaning her old house there was so much rubbish in it and it was so dirty and everything was broken. I can't even attempt to try and make her bath. Fighting over the room is bad enough. She has not bathed for a year.
Add to that the none bathing, and sadly this is a case where she probably should be placed.
Good luck to you all!!
This is your house. Get a house cleaning service to come in and clean. Mom would just have to scream bloody murder to get cleaned. It's a matter of not smelling yourself. You can get accustomed to going nose blind to odors. I spent time attempting to clean a man's home. He hadn't taken a shower in years. When I got home from that shift, I stripped off my uniform and that scent had permeated down to my underwear. I had to hand wash my uniform and dry it before putting it in the dirty clothes. Now, if I spent two hours with this individual and smelled to high heavens, I can imagine what it is like for you. Also, it took a couple of days to get that stinking scent out of my apartment! I kept smelling it.
Don't let anybody force you to live their lifestyle.
you have been spending two years cleaning out her old house? Could it be sold to cover initial care for her, then if that money is used up, transfer to Medicaid?
her brother must also be at least 85? And you are likely in your 60s or 70? You should not have to put up with this!! You deserve a clean home and time and space for yourself.
It can also be called 'self-neglect'.
At present you can't change this. Have trouble finding a way to stand up to her. I get disliking the arguments & wailing. I get this is uncomfortable.
I kindly suggest you find a way to get some armour on. Strengthen yourself up.
I would force Mom to be bathed & made more hygienic. Any way I could;
A. Employ an aide to assist you
B. Call the Doctor & ask advice re medication for Mom
C. Call the Doctor & ask for Mom to be admitted to hospital for neuro-psych evaluation. (Baker act if required)
D. Drop & leave Mom at an ER.
(very last resort)
Mom's choices have consequeses: her body & environment stay filthy.
YOUR choices have consequences too.
Think of it like this.. A scale:
FREEDOM is at one end, sliding up to CONTROL at the other end..
At the end of Freedom is NEGLECT.
At the end of Control is ABUSE.
No-one wants either neglect or abuse obviously.
But by allowing Mom so much freedom, you may be held responsible for elder neglect.
Please have a think about who is in charge here. And who NEEDS to be in charge now. Then think about who can help you.
Speaking up here is a good start!
'Boots on the ground help' can be the next goal.
Your mother obviously has some mental issues and is a hoarder(which is a mental illness)along with whatever health issues she may have, but bottom line, you tell us that it is YOUR house that she's living in, so you do get the final say as to what goes on there.
Your health is now suffering from your mother's bad choices and your inability to stand up to her, so it's time that you put your big girl pants on and get your house back in some sort of order and cleanliness, regardless of what your mother wants or doesn't want.
And the fact that she hasn't bathed for a year is beyond disgusting and disturbing. I can't even imagine the stench that is in your home, and sadly you and all your belongings I'm sure smell horrible as well.
Do you not understand that you deserve SO much better than that? God, I sure hope you do.
Someone really needs to call APS(Adult Protective Services)and report the living conditions that your mother is living in and then let them take over her care and get her out and into the appropriate facility.
You can apply for Medicaid for her since money is an issue, and let her be placed in a Medicaid facility.
Your mother needs WAY more help than you can provide and I hope and pray that you'll seek ways in getting that help for you all, before it's you that is dying before your mother because you were too afraid to stick up for yourself.
How about the floor, is that cover in stuff, really bad trip hazard if it is.
Best of luck
Get your mother physically out of that room so it can be properly cleaned and disinfected, even if she's kicking and screaming. Get an exterminator into the home to do what's required to get rid of the mice. Throw out all of her bedding and replace it. Hire a caregiver to shower her, one who has experience with dementia patients. And let mother know that cleaning and hygiene WILL go on regularly from now on, period.
Then apply for Medicaid on behalf of your mother to get her placed in a Skilled Nursing facility.
Good luck to you.
You need to get your mom placed , ASAP , so you can take care of yourself and your health and have a clean life.
This is not good for you either.
If you can't get your mom placed if tell her to clean up after her self or you are going to.
Have you tried to get her to shower? some are scared of the shower, if she is 94 Id guess there is some cognitive decline going on.
Call your County Area of Aging . They will send a social worker . Maybe they can help place your mother .
Or
This sounds mean , But bring Mom back to her own house and call APS so it’s their problem to place her in a facility .
If Mom lands in the hospital , refuse to bring her back home . You tell the social worker there that you can not take care of her . No matter what they tell you. Do not take Mom home . Tell them it’s an unsafe discharge . They will tell you it’s your responsibility , that they will send some help , ( very little if any ) . Stick to it’s an “ unsafe discharge “ . You can let her become a ward of the state if you don’t have POA. You could also legally give up POA by going to a lawyer .
Good Luck