I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Didn't feel right to me, . to turn a blind eye to the fact there may be bill matters that need some attention and aren't getting any attention.
I couldn't reach him on the phone .. and so I did the only thing I knew to do .. put it in written word. Any expectation he can really sort through that and do much about it, pretty nil. Realistic in that, .. it's probably not something he can do at this point . to even read it, . much less act upon any of it.
That's okay with me.
Had he reached out .. "oh hey dorker, that cable bill you mentioned . that one . yea need to be on the lookout for it, don't want that home phone shut off . that home phone is associated with the cable bill . if you can mention that to your SS who I know is in and outta there, . maybe she can spot it and get her mom to write a check and get that done".
Grand . .fine by me, .. I don't mind passing that word along.
Had he reached out .. "oh that LTC policy .. it's paid annually, . .it's not due again til January". Good, check .. done. Noted.
Had he reached out .. "oh that supplement to my Medicare I put that all on auto debit .. no need to worry". Great, . splendid.
I don't know that he's capable of doing any of the above at this point. Probably too dreadfully ill to even care, much less act upon any of it.
But I did all I can .. I can't go and try to dig and get answers to accts I have zero biz in .. and so be it.
If the LTC policy expires because no one paid the premium .. .oh well, not on me, wasn't anyway .. I was trying to be merciful and kind to a sick old man.
If the supplement to the Medicare policy should become null/void . because no one paid it .. again . .not on me. I tried. Wasn't ever mine to begin with . to sort and dial in on . but I was trying to be kind, caring.
If suddenly stepmom picks up the phone to use it and it's dead, due to non payment .. not on me. None of it is.
I had even gone so far, as to ask that SS be on the lookout, that was last week, as to any bills that might arrive there, addressed to dad . if so . let me know, I'd try to dial in on what it might be . in talking to him. She hasn't informed me of anything on that end, having arrived in the mail.
And yes, .. it does dawn on me, perhaps I'm the easiest target for some anger and frustration on his part, at being so sick .. so inept at this point in his life .. a wife that is not capable . and just life sux .. I make an easy target. It has dawned on me.
I almost guffaw at that as any notion. Anybody in their right mind (and he likely is not at this point) would be able to sort thru the details of all this and come to only one conclusion . "you've been dam lucky dude that your daughter dorker, gave a dam to show up at all, in any of this .. . she did .. about a year ago .. and in larger measure . and encouraged that you dot the i's and cross the t's and you ignored her, . mad at her??? .... got nobody to thank but yourself".
Water off a duck's back.
Surprised that things on the front w/step mom must be under wraps somehow . not a lot of kerfuffle coming from that corner, . from SS. Good ..
I am now moving into "get brain read as to what to pack for trip".
Now I remember why I so rarely go anywhere. Gee, where I'm going it gets kinda cool at night . bring a jacket, . bring some jeans/long pants. But bring shorts, . it gets warm during the day .. oh and might want a swimsuit .. maybe go swimming in the nice lake there . oh wait . the lake it's probably closed, . due to Covid .. maybe look it up ... and find out, then don't pack your swimsuit .. oh remember to take some Tylenol . never know when you might turn your ankle or . get a headache .or heaven forbid .. a fever .. oh and some Tums .. that dastardly
As for how the bills are paid, it's in SS's lap now - she'll have to try to contact them and explain the bill payer is ill and she's trying to keep the bills current for her mom, and is there some way they could help her do this.
AND....as for giving BB's number, my take is that it makes sense. Everyone knew that I had my phone on me, whereas DH didn't take calls during client meetings so his phone was sometimes in the car. When my inlaws were in the hospital, it was always my number on the board. I mean, if SIL needed the NH people to talk with someone there ASAP, would she give them DH's number (knowing he might be working and not answer), or yours?
My first thought - I suppose, based on my own experiences - is that your father is mad at you.
If this is the case - DO NOT take
it personally. It’s not you. Your father is sick and I’d bet that he is angry. Angry at the whole situation - wife, sick, bills and details of life which are all now out of his control. BUT in his mental state and physically state - he is just channeling it to the easiest and most available target - which is you. I was on the receiving end of this misdirected anger more times than I care to remember. Some how - because I wouldn’t come pick her up and take her home EVERYTHING became my fault. Right down to her being sick or injured. All my fault.
It would always pass as things improved and in fact - she would have no real recollection of all the drama that went on prior to the point of things improving.
And, of course Midkid could also be correct in that he can’t answer any of your questions- and he doesn’t want to admit that. Nor to admit that you were right - a year ago and for the length of time that you tried to tell him “Dad, you really need to start crossing some T’s and dotting some I’s”... assuming that there might have even been some T’s and I’s put to legal paper, in the first place.
But, all in all - I’ll still whack the dead horse by saying you are still
expecting WAY TOO MUCH from him. I site exhibit A - the note. I’d be surprised if he even reads it let alone actually DO anything about it.
Who knows? I could be wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time. But - I’m pretty sure about this. Continuing on
in this vein will only serve to frustrate you further. Let it go. The bills. Stepmom. Bossy Boots and her
ohone number. Brother and his preferred mode of operation for communication. Let it go.
Continue talking with dads nurses if it helps. But when it comes to dad - just be a visiting daughter. No expectations mean no disappointment.
So he had you phone in a payment via CC, brought him a checkbook to sign a payment to the CC, took care of forms that have to be signed every month by he and K for the Medicare supplement, and some kind of checks to be deposited each month?
I think we can safely assume that none of that will be happening this month.
Dorker, I am certainly NOT suggesting that you should take care of ANY of this. Not at all.
I wouldn't have even mentioned any of it. Or are you willing to do what you did last year in facilitating the billpaying?
Hon--you are WAY too mired in dad's mess and lack of planning. So many things you simply cannot get answers to, and won't until he passes, and even then, K may need to be declared incompetent before anything can be paid or dealt with.
WHY are you so bent on getting this info? His methods of paying bills, etc? It's not your worry. If he screwed it up somewhere along the line, then what's done is done.
His story of thinking he'd never get old and sick are not new ones. His decision to not do anything about his future wishes is HIS problem, and will become K's soon enough.
If you can't even get from him who his atty is, you're not going to get information about bill pay or EOL decisions.
If you feel you HAVE TO let him know you're leaving town for 3 days, just write a very short note telling him so and that Brother will be stepping in for you and that's it. No deep, endless explanation. And no ?? about anything. I don't think he appears to be able to think from point A to point B at this time.
Dad is denying you access to him by not answering your calls, or returning them.. He knows you want information from him that honestly, he probably doesn't remember and it's embarrassing.
And don't forget, he is sick, very, very sick and not a real gracious guy in his heyday. He wouldn't change into a Prince Charming suddenly, now.
If you don't talk to him before you go, OK, that's fine. Just go and relax and enjoy family and food and laying about. Take a nap everyday. Take that Xanax with you and if you start feeling panicky--dang it-take one.
You're banging your head against a brick wall again---please, for your own peace of mind, stop.
Dad didn't ask you to fix his life--did he?
His life is a real cautionary tale, isn't it? What NOT to do to our kids.
at that, you kinda have no choice, . but to defer to the way they run things .. that or go get her and take her into your home to care for . and .. you can make sure that PT is part of her world . ongoing ...
Just annoyed ..
Enough already.
My answer to him: "they have her #, remember yesterday the nurse said she has your #, read it out to me, .. and it was BB's # .. they have it".
Annoying.
I realize that maybe as I said, . I'm just so over it with all this .. and need . badly need to get away so I can maybe get some perspective . and not let such minutia bother me, .. but it does.
That would be about like me giving them DH's phone # .. . and a stance of "I'm not always as easily accessible".
That's about stupid . it really really is.
DH is gonna do one thing if he hears from the med staff there . and BB would do the same .. call her husband. So why the middle man there. It's stupid ..
My thinking .. "ya know, I'm not always right at the ready when they call me either, .. I'm pretty adept at picking up a voice mail left, and returning a call at my convenience, . .can you not do so".
I didn't say any of that .. because .. dam . I mean . you're a big boy . you don't need me to tell you what/how to do things. But . just .. it's crap .. I don't get it.
Yes, you are working .. and . so not as accessible at times . but that's what VM is for . you keep your phone handy dandy . realization that your dad is gravely ill . and .. you make a mental note to ck the VM periodically . and .. take a moment to look at it . it's not rocket science.
And .. if they call out and talk to BB . the end result is gonna be the same . she's gonna call you, . so what's the difference.
Just stupid and annoying.
And .. over in the other ring . the side show . with MIL.
I don't know what the culprit is that has found her suddenly so lethargic . not at all together . and with it mentally. Usually that's a telltale sign in her, UTI . but the initial lab work on all that came back clear, ... they were sending on for further culture which will take a few days ..
And they started her on . there at the NH . IV fluids ..
But as of yesterday . now 3 days into . what is .. for her, more mental fog and lethargy than is normal for her .. she's still not altogether with it .. not even to what is her baseline really.
FWIW .. I think the NH did offer the other day transport to hospital . DH and SIL declined .. opting instead for the thinking . it's probably UTI .. treat it there . on site . don't transport to hospital.
So yesterday I get a text from SIL inquiring as to how's my dad. I take a few moments and respond . updating her on the goings on with that end.
She responds, .. "I feel so bad for your dad . he sounds really sick".
She then goes on to
SIL: "Did DH tell you they've cut all the PT staff at the NH? I guess .. they can't really do PT at this point, they're all supposed to stay in their rooms . and not mix and mingle, the PT room is closed .. and so .. they cut all the PT staff for the time being. Mom had been working with the one lady that does the PT still there, .. and she would come and walk with mom 2 x's a week with the walker .. but she said mom's PT has run it's course, and she'll now just be doing .. the restorative, which is done in her room only . and so . no using the walker ... they aren't supposed to be out and about anyway .. mixing there .. I hate it for her, .. so she won't be able to walk any . they won't let her use the walker unless staff are with her .. and so .. she won't be able to do that".
I was thinking . but at this point I'm so done .. my thoughts were (annoyed) .. "ya know, . this is one of those things .. you put your LO in a NH .. because you can no longer care for their many deep needs . and so some of it . you just have to let it go .. the fact they've had to cut staff there . and now PT .. not available.. sorry she won't get to walk .. because that's run it's course for the time being . .and . that's not gonna be part of her life there .. but .. that's what happens .. you can't care for her . and see to all of her need .. and so you defer to a site to do so .. for her, . and at that
My SIL is and was the most easily accessible of all of us; she ALWAYS picks up her cell. Thank God, when mom had a headache that felt like it was going to blow the top of her head off, she auto-dialed SIL and said "come".
SIL called 911. Mom's measured bp when the EMTs got there was 260/118.
There person most easily reached is the person whose number needs to be on the board.
If he has any questions . as to "why are they thinking that's necessary to do, . do you think that's necessary to do, what does he think" . he asks me . and I answer it. But it's all been outside of having his gatekeeper BB a mix in it all.
So .. a bit annoying yesterday when in conversation with the nurse, . at that point in the day, me trying to dial down on . "Why can't I reach my dad . every time I call the phone rings into infinity" ..
She then imparting he'd been carted out for speech therapy .. wasn't in his room . but then my telling her . "ok, well maybe you can help me here .. I need to let him know that I'll be leaving town in a couple of days . can't get ahold of him to even tell him . but .. maybe if you find him alert . and can help him to call me .. and help him .. by telling me what he's saying . it's so hard to understand him . but in any event, my brother will be contact . and so . need to make sure you guys have his applicable #'s".
Nurse then saying: "Oh . okay I think we have his number on the board in your dad's room, let me look here".
She then reads off to me the # listed in his room.
It's BB's #.
Not his .. not my brother, BB.
I respond to the nurse, "oh okay that's his wife's phone #, .. let me give you the #'s to reach my brother .. " and I list those #'s for her, . she .. I guess is noting them as I speak.
So in talking with brother subsequent to the above ...
It annoyed me .. why would they have his wife's # ... I mean .. I know .. maybe I'm just spent . and easily annoyed .. but .. does it not stand to reason that if they call his wife .. she's going to then call him .. why go thru middle man to do so .. in BB .. he's gonna get called anyway . .so.. cut to the chase.
It annoyed me that they had BB's # .. as contact to reach my brother .. but .. oh well, I can't "control" . what others do. And I realize that. But ... annoying.
So in talking to my brother beyond all that .. bear in mind.. there has been some push from his corner, . .to me .. "make sure you let dad know you're going out of town .. and that he knows how to reach me" (he too hasn't had much success reaching dad to talk to him . probably less than me) .. but nonetheless . there has been some "push" from brother to be sure and get that out there and known . that I'm going to be out and away . and that dad knows that ..
I have answered that with brother . each time that has cropped up .. "yea I will, closer to the time that I'm leaving".
So yesterday in talking with my brother .. in the interest of at least letting him know I am making every attempt . futile though it is . to try to reach out and get that info known .. I did tell him what had transpired . that I'd tried to go via nurse even .. and make her aware . . so she could help me impart that to dad ..
As part of talking to brother .. I said to him, "oh and I did go ahead, since I was on the topic .. provide the info as to your contact #'s .. for them to make record of . she said she had your # and read it to me, .. and it wasn't your #, it was BB's . so I gave her your #'s".
His response: "Oh . okay . well they have BB's # because I'm not as always easily accessed .. they may have to call BB . and she can get me .. so that's why they have her #".
Me: "Ok, . well, .. I gave them your numbers that I reach you on routinely . so .. whatever you guys do . up to you"
So then this morning .. I get a text from brother, .. who also got a copy of the letter sent via YD to dad .. and in that letter . contact #'s for brother . wanting dad to have the contact #'s for brother .. and I'd included them in that letter ..
I get at text from brother who is obviously by now awake and has looked at his copy of the letter that went to dad .. and the text to me reads as follows;
I noticed you didn't put BB's '# on the letter there .. they need to be made aware, I'm not always accessible . and so her number needs to be there, .. ".
So yes my mom will be there.
Youngest brother and his wife also will be there .. traveling a different route . not via SC and to mom's as I'm doing .. they live in SW FL . and it's too far out of their way . considering the time constraints they have to make this KY trip happen . so they will go straight to KY . will see them there.
Other brother .. (the one married to BB) . is in the Daytona area .. where he lives, and not making this trip to KY for the reunion. HE is the brother I'm passing the baton to .. as to the whole dad saga, in my absence.
Sent him a copy of the letter that went to dad .. ergo . if you care to use as talking points, . feel free.
On another note, . maybe I'm just "DONE, stick a fork in my butt . done with it all". Somewhat annoying .. I won't fight about it, people are gonna do what they do.
But my brother and BB.
It's been nice to be able to "talk" to him, "text" with him . apprise him .. etc .. ongoing in all this without having to feel as if BB is in it all running interference.
That hasn't been a result of any .. "STAY OUTTA THIS BB" . there's been none of that ..
I, and others in the family . really do not like her . for a lot of reasons .. but .. it's been .. rather pleasant . thru this lastest malady to not feel as though she is the gatekeeper to info that gets to him . as it was last time . .and .. having to field her questions that .. usually .. because she's not been a part of things . were she a part of things for years . as have been myself and my brother, . she'd know without asking.
I know, I know, it's not her fault she's fairly new to the scene . I know that .. but . the problem came in her asking questions . and when answering questions . her not liking the answer(s) and then .. standing her firm ground on what her thoughts are as to approach A or B or C or D .. and then having to almost justify why A, B, C and D .. aren't viable options and the explanation of why's and so forth. Was maddening . and it felt like, last time . one didn't get to brother unless going thru her to do it.
Been kinda pleasant this time . that if I need to impart anything to him .. I do it via text, . and to him . and no need to "group" her in . as he tried to do last time ... which always invited her input that was sometimes .. not all that desired, when you figure she isn't really up to speed on all things . this whole sordid mess, and so her questions at times . were more than I cared to speak to .. and at that time, a year ago . it seemed . I don't know . was it her elbowing her way in . or was it him . elbowing her into the crowd .. I don't know .. but it wasn't real welcome.
Long story short, .. I ended up because I was the mouthpiece on this end, local to it all, spending far more time explaining things to her ... than I cared to spend .. it was . to say the least . frustrating. My feeling, I remember keenly at that time . was one of .. "ya know, why can't I just pass along word to my brother .. just him . and you two talk about it all, . or questions there of . and if you have questions about the why's where's . you can field those with your husband . my brother .. I don't care to have to dig thru years and years of history here . to bring you up to speed .. ".
I remember keenly that feeling at the time . but it was he (or her, who knows) elbowing her way into the whole mix and so . one didn't get word to my brother without going thru her maze of frustration to do it ..
Hasn't been that way this time. I do pass along info, . more times than not, simpl via text. If he has any questions .
and the cks that came in the mail, part of their retirement health bene's .. I guess checks are drafted every month to he and her .. and those get then deposited into his bank acct, . and payment .. did it auto draft, .. did he have me write out a ck . and send that off, .. I don't know. Don't remember.
That's why it would've been excellent if he would've . once better able to manage .. heeded what I kept asking him to do .. sit down and make all this clear ..
He didn't, he kicked the can down the road til I gave up.
Giving him that letter with the finite detail as to the things that need light shined upon them . I'll probably get about the same result if I give it to my two yo g'kids .. not much of any resolution.
But that's .. in the end .......... "ALL" I can do.
Put it out there . if it falls flat . that's "ALL" I can do.
I can't call his cc and get any info on what drafts out of that acct, . I'm nobody to them, not a signor on his cc acct, or anything else. I can't call his bank and see what drafts from his ck'g acct .. I'm nobody to them, they aren't gonna give out that info.
I tried to call the 1-800# yesterday listed on the cc . just to see .. for all I know the man hasn't paid the thing in two months and it's been shut off .. I don't know.
I tried to call that number, thinking maybe if I enter the cc # . it will give me some info, some is better than none. But a recording came on "We don't recognize the number you are calling from and will need to connect you to a representative, please hold".
Well, .. I know . they aren't gonna tell me diddly squat . so I hung up. Gave up on that.
Have a great time in KY! Will your mom be there?
"So be it." What can be done has been done. You have gone far above and beyond any requirement to be merciful.
"So be it."
Then .. fast forward to now. At some point in all this present illness, .. my dad uttered (I can't tell you when . was it last week, the week before, I don't recall) .. but . something uttered by him about "might need you to pull down one of those forms .. and maybe get some of this all legal".
I didn't ask him to elaborate ... at that time, I think it was .. towards the beginning of this latest episode of malady.
I think he was referencing .. as if one might walk over to the shelf and pull down some proverbial form that we all must have (yea right) sitting on the shelf in our home as to legalese.
I think he might've been referring to .. go out onto the net .. find a form . .. POA ..??... will...???....living will ..??... I don't know, didn't ask him to elaborate.
My only response when he said that .. "I have a good group of Elder Care atty's we worked with .. back when we were working thru MIL's affairs .. . be glad to put you in touch with them".
He then muttered something or other about .. "those forms can be pretty standard" and my response of, "No not comfortable with that, . there are too many finite details . needs the attn of an atty".
Subject dropped after that.
No, I'm not comfortable at all, . with going onto some website and pulling down a blank form . and filling it out . and any relevance to . "so there ya go, legal and all that". Nope.
It's only reflecting on that small exchange that took place, . if memory serves, pretty much at the beginning of all this illness .. that maybe lends itself in my thinking . there is no atty anywhere.
At this point .. his lucidity . in and out .. I ponder whether any reputable atty would complete anything for him ..
One never knows, . one minute he maybe seems a little more with it, .. and the next not so much.
I'll be anxious to see . of his orienting . when/if . they ever get that fluid off his lungs . and he "supposed to" feel better as a result .. will that help with the lucidity.
For all I know w/regard to his bills . he might tell me "ya know I spent a day or three a few months back . and got everything set up to draft from my cc acct .. all of it . every month . and the payment for that cc, .. I have that set to draft from the investment acct tied to it, monthly . .so it's all good .. no bills even come to the house at all, they all draft automatically".
If he said that, .. fine and good. Done. Maybe he has it all real simplified .. and I just don't know it. Fine and good with me.
I just remember last year this time . he'd had me go to his vacant house (I wouldn't stand a prayer of doing that now . not with his wife who is so very territorial there on site).. and had me dig up his billfold/cc/ckbook . and any mail laying on the floor . from a slot on their door where mailman slides it in.
Brought that to the hospital . and he kinda went thru it . some of it .. he noted . auto drafts from that cc ... I think one maybe he had me phone in a payment, using that cc over the phone . did that. And I think in the end, he had me write out a ck . using his ckbook, .. to pay that cc ..
I think that's about how it went.
But that was a year ago . and maybe he's changed things since then . I have no way of knowing.
I do remember the forms I had to retrieve out of his filing cabinet . having to do with his supplement to his Medicare . and those forms had to be completed and signed .. (Same info every month . .with signatures . one for him . one for her, they retired from the same workplace) .. and those forms had to be sent in . so he had me retrieve those forms from his filing cabinet . and .. I gave one to her daughter, to have her get her mom to sign . .and I took one to him to fill out and have him sign . and put in the mail for him . had her put her mom's in the mail.
She can hand carry the note to him that imparts .. my travel plans, contingencies in place for that time frame .. and the questions that linger out there as to his bills ..
Yes, debated whether to include ... the finite detail of what bills specifically .. and the info as to .. do they debit auto .. or .. do bills come in the mail, etc etc etc.
Loads of detail for someone too sick . likely to even digest on.
But I do know that last year this time when I was with him . in his hospital room, having been sent to his vacated house (his wife was also inpatient in a separate hospital at that time) .. and to retrieve his cc/billfold/ckbook . and mail, etc.
I remember from that time . that he uses a cc that is tied to his investment acct, to pay all his bills .. and .. now .. how that cc gets paid .. I don't know .. does it pull from the investment end .. and pay auto .. I don't know ..
Has he changed things .. and now things .. all of his things . auto draft, .. and from what .. a ck'g acct., .. a cc acct .. who knows.
Yes, likely too much for him to dial in on . and address. But I figured, prudence on my part, to at least put out there, the various points that need addressing . at least to my awareness/knowledge. What does or doesn't get done about it . .. at least it's been put out there.
((I honestly don't think he has an atty)
But did include that as part of the letter written . if he does .. he can simply defer to said atty . and on with the show (but I don't think he does).
Just a real dichotomy .. accdg to YD who visited him 2x's yesterday . and yea . some confusion . and .. so forth, but awake/alert enough he recognized her right away even under all her medical garb.. and yet .. any attempt to reach him fell flat .. and so .. just a real contrast .. as to .. "well that's the best I can do . put it in writing . maybe he's too ill/weak to do a thing about any of it, . but word has been put out there".
So be it.
Put off for hopefully tomorrow.
(((goes into some explanation that in the end, means he's a bleed risk, takes blood thinners, blood too thin . and so hopefully tomorrow . which is today now)))
Me: "Oh ok, . well . I've been trying to call him all day . is he sleeping all day?"
Nurse: "Well right now he's not in his room, speech therapy came to take him . and then to get him cleaned up some .. "
Me: "oh ok . well I wonder, . maybe you can help .. when you're in his room . maybe if you find him alert, if you can let him know that I need to talk to him .. and help him to call me ... I need to impart to him that I am going out of town and my brother will pick up where I'm leaving off, . I need to make sure you folks have his contact info also . but I need to get that word to him . and I've' been unable to talk to him .. ".
Nurse: "I think we have your brother's # . let me go look .. hold on"
((She comes back . we have the #--------)
Me: Oh that's my brother's wife . .let me give you his contact #'s .....
((and she notes those))
Me: "But anyway .. I don't know .. I haven't been able to reach him but not only that, when I do talk to him . it's really hard to understand him . he struggles to talk . . and so .. I don't know if maybe you're available to help relay some of what I'm trying to say to him".
Nurse: "You're dorker right?"
Me: "Yes"
Nurse: "He doesn't want to talk to you ... ya know . he's been really pretty disoriented today .. seems kind of more out of it . than he was the day before .. and at one point he was talking that he needs to call his wife .. but couldn't remember her phone # .. said that he needs to talk to her, but can't tell her he's in the hospital, she'll worry .... he seems confused .. doesn't seem to know what hospital he's in . and how long he's been in the hospital .. and was talking of calling his wife ... does he have a wife? Is his wife deceased or alive? I told him .. let's call dorker, . she probably knows the # to reach your wife . and he said no, didn't want to talk to dorker right now . maybe later. In the end, he decided not to call his wife . fear she'd worry that he's in the hospital .. does he have a wife? I was worried about his lucidity . but I asked him what year is it and he said 2020 . and so .. I figured .. he's not as bad off as it might seem .. but does he have a wife . is his wife alive?".
Me: Yes, his wife has dementia, she's alive .. and generally he ducks talking to her, .. can't withstand the barrage of incessant repeats of the same questions coming from her, . too frustrating . but yes . his wife is alive".
Nurse: "Oh ok, I wondered if his wife is deceased and maybe he doesn't remember that".
Me: "No she's alive .. but .. I know when he was in the Rehab setting last week, before he landed there in the hospital inpatient .. he had himself on *confidential* for that very reason . to avoid his wife .. and her barrage of questions that are non sense at times".
Nurse: "Oh ok .. well that makes better sense then".
Me: "Ok, (laughing) well he didn't want to talk to me .. I guess I'll try him later".
This was afternoon.
So then .. about time for YD to get off work, she called me . she'd popped in his room again . short visit with him.
Me: "How was he . did he seem lucid to you?".
YD: "I don't know ... I mean I know his nurse, and she said that he's confused at times .. I visited with him for a few mins . asked him does he want me to ask my mom to call him . and he said yes"
So .. as soon as I hung up from her, .. I tried again . it rings into infinity . no answer.
H377 she'd just been in his room accdg to her. Yet within mere mins . and a prompt from him to have me call, yet no answer.
I tried again . in a little . no answer.
By now, it was evening. I gave up.
Thus, .. I figured .. let me just put some of this in writing . and in big font since I don't think he has his glasses . and type it up . and she can hand carry
Wouldn't surprise me in the least.
Yesterday was a frustration of contrasts as to what is the setting there, ...
So you have YD . .her first day back at work, she'd been off for a long wknd .. and yesterday her 1st day back at work, at the hospital where he is inpatient. She mentioned she'd probably pop in and say hi . and had pondered if he'd even know her ...
Remember this is a guy who has been at arm's length .. her g'pa yea .. but .. we see him bdays and holidays .. and so .. she is not by any stretch .. .someone as a routine presence in her life.
Pondered if he'd even know who she is ... even on a good day that wouldn't be out of the realm of consideration . that he might have to be reminded who she is .. but certainly with him so sick at present . and sometimes .. seemingly in and out of oriented.
Got a text from YD yesterday AM .. "I popped in to see gramps . and he knew me right away ... even under my head garb, and facemask .. he knew right away who I was".
Me: "That's astounding . how was he?".
YD: "Seemed okay to me, .. I mean, he's old, sick .. looks a lot worse than the last time I saw him . but .. he was okay".
Me: "Did he seem oriented to you?".
YD: "Yea, . seemed to be"
So that was that.
That was yesterday AM
My intent all along was to inform him I'd be leaving town, for the long wknd . didn't want to inform him too soon . as his disorientation at times . would lend itself to . not even sure he realizes what day it is on some days . tell him too soon and it gets lost in the jumble of his disorientation .. and sometimes not all that lucid.
Didn't want to tell him too soon.
So yesterday comes and it's my mission to get that imparted to him . .. along with . I'll be talking to him .. over the next couple of days and can reiterate .. as we go .. to keep reminding him . he who is .. not always lucid (is at times though, seems to be).
So .. I always call the nurse before I call him . as to med updates . if any . he's not all that good at the finger on the pulse of what the goings on are there, .. as to all that are seeing him ... the findings, etc. I try to get a read for all that, before I talk to him . generally .. that way I can kinda bring him up to speed, .. "Oh I talked to your nurse, . they said your kidney scan didn't show any blockages . .so that's good". "Oh I talked to your nurse and that WBC is dropping .. so that means the infection is ebbing .. that's good".
So I did that, . its what I generally do . get a read from the nurse, . then call him.
Talked to his nurse yesterday AM .. and ..
Nurse: "Oh he had a really restless night . is sleeping a lot . I think he's gotten his days and nights confused .. it happens .. he's scheduled for sometime this morning for that lung fluid aspiration so that'll be taking place at some point ... other than that, .. his vitals are all fine .. his BP drops at times . .. seems kinda related to when he takes a pain pill .. and so .. that can happen .but we're monitoring it .. but other than that, .. he seems really tired, wants to sleep".
Me: Ok, I'll not bother him right now, let him rest some . let him know if you stop in there, that I called, will ck with him later.
So later in the AM . I tried to call, no answer. Not unusual . he may not answer because
A) He doesn't feel good
B) He's sleeping
C) Been carted out by some specialty for some test/procedure
D) Someone in the room, resp therapy, OT/PT .. someone to ck vitals, a doc
Phone rang and rang into infinity .. I didn't try again for a while.
Tried again . .early afternoon . same thing, phone rings into infinity, no answer.
Went on with other things . didn't call again . til later in the afternoon.
Couldn't get him .. a.g.a.i.n.
This time I called the same nurse
Me: "Did they get that needle aspiration done, . how did that go?".
Nurse: "That got cancelled, .. put off for hopefully
Also though .. "here are a few things you may need to note and contact your atty or give me the name of your atty or my brother .. and let them handle for you .. your LTC policy is it paid in full, does it pay annually, semi-annually .. monthly/quarterly .. does it auto draft from your bank . from your cc .. next, .. your cable tv bill/phone bill . one and the same . does that auto draft . from a cc, from a bank acct, or is there a bill that comes in the mail . and perhaps K can deal w/it so she won't be without home phone svc .. .. your CC bill, does that auto draft from your investment account tied to it, or is there a check that gets sent out monthly to satisfy the balance, .. and last .. your healthcare supplement premium . that gets paid how. Perhaps you might provide the name of an atty if you have one, so they can help to exact some of these matters on your behalf"."
That's a long note for someone who might not be able to read or comprehend it. Really, the most important thing is to ask, "Who is your attorney? No one knows how your bills are being paid."
The way you wrote it makes it seem as if you will sort out and participate in the bill-paying (suggesting K can take care of the cable bill, and that you will tell her that, etc.). Really, you just need the name of the attorney. I think your father is fading fast, and that is what is the most important thing to know.
You've said that you are not going to pay bills for him, yet this is exactly what you seem to be suggesting in the note you sent to him via YD. What if the bills aren't mostly paid via automatic debit or credit card?
“But this ship can’t sink!”
“She’s made of iron, sir! I assure you, she can. And she will. It is a mathematical certainty.”
YD who works in the same hospital where my dad is inpatient . and actually dropped in to see him 2 x's today ..
Has been given a note to give to him tomorrow by me. I don't hold out much hope at all that he can even sit up and read and absorb and pay attention. I've been unable to reach him . on the phone.
Call the nurse and the answers varied:
1. He had a restless night . just wants to sleep
2. Was taken off by Speech Therapy
3. Doesn't feel up to talking
I sent a note .. was frustrated as I feel a compuntion to let him know I will be leaving town in two days . and my brother will be stepping into my stead .. and here are his #'s ..
Also though .. "here are a few things you may need to note and contact your atty or give me the name of your atty or my brother .. and let them handle for you .. your LTC policy is it paid in full, does it pay annually, semi-annually .. monthly/quarterly .. does it auto draft from your bank . from your cc .. next, .. your cable tv bill/phone bill . one and the same . does that auto draft . from a cc, from a bank acct, or is there a bill that comes in the mail . and perhaps K can deal w/it so she won't be without home phone svc .. .. your CC bill, does that auto draft from your investment account tied to it, or is there a check that gets sent out monthly to satisfy the balance, .. and last .. your healthcare supplement premium . that gets paid how. Perhaps you might provide the name of an atty if you have one, so they can help to exact some of these matters on your behalf".
Sending that via YD . who works there .. and since I can't get him on the phone ..
I have more to do and am quite annoyed .. than to camp out burning up his phone to try to get answers to things I could well say .. screw it, not my problem.
I realize he is dreadfully ill and it may be too much to expect that he can even read what is written and absorb/process it and even take any action at all.
But .. it's out there . ignore it .. don't .. do what you want. I'm going to move on and begin to wrap my brain around what I need to pack for my trip.
And yes a copy of it forwarded to my brother . .in case, . the items get sent past him to address in some way/shape/form . .at least he knows the points that were in question.
Even to the end, he won't have minded putting you in difficult positions.
I think that not signing a DNR is ridiculous for someone in his shape.
This makes 2x's he has been approached & he doesnt want a DNR.
He just asked me the other day if I need another rx, and I told him yes, and he refilled it, I threw out the old ones, . who knows if they were even any good anymore, 2 years old.
I think I have a hard time, since so much of my life is lived, it seems on the cliff of someone's disaster .. that I don't know what "normal" should feel like, .. thus .. I don't take those Xanex .. when maybe I should be taking them. And help myself to feel more subdued and calm.
And on the DNR .. do you know, . I talked to him yesterday and he is so so hard to understand .. maybe some of it's me .. I do have a really really extraordinarily hard time understanding people who have different dialects .. although the nurse too, who is present with him states she too struggles to understand what he's saying . he's so weak . .and so short of breath . that anything that's uttered out of his mouth .. if it's not intelligible and usually it's not, not for me . and you have to ask him to repeat it . it's almost more energy than he's got .. to be able to do so. So incredibly hard to understand him.
He mentioned yesterday . all I was able to make out of what he was saying to me was that someone had come to talk to him . and that he didn't want any extraordinary measures taken ..
I asked him .. ."A DNR?"
Him: "No, they didn't frame it that way"
Me: "Hmm, I'll have to ask them what that was about"
I call the nurse today asking if she knows what he might've been referring to, . yes she says .. the Hospitalist had gone in to talk to him . and no . he does not wish to sign a DNR .. wants every measure taken .. is what the Hospitalist was told.
I disagree w/that and said as much this time last year, when he was approachedi in my presence, . on the very same issue. And his response the same as above. I explained to him .. "Dad you know .. I mean .. when there is absolutely no brain activity .. they will feed you by tube and .. and you wont' even know you're with us anymore, . it can go on and on and on .. and cause undue pain and so forth to those you love .. to know that you're in that state . not only that, if you should happen to need CPR . they will do so . .and it could break your ribs ... to do that .. and you may have to go on a ventilator ... are you sure that's what you want".
Him: "I want them to do everything possible .. ".
SIGH
I can't over-ride that. I disagree with it .. restore and do everything they can for what? You have no QOL now . wait til you code .. you talk about zero QOL ..
Sheesh.
They didn't end up doing that lung procedure today . .something to do with his platelets .. and his blood ... not thick enough (he takes blood thinners for A-Fib) .. and a bleed risk for that procedure. Have pulled the Eliquis ..will try again tomorrow.
It isn't a SECRET as to who his attorney is. That's not protected information. What he has SAID to his attorney is privileged and that is the sticky wicket. The attorney cannot share with you information that is between the two of them (and possibly K although you have to wonder how much she comprehends?)
Once you know the name of the lawyer, a quick call to him/her and letting them know of his poor health conditions, the atty can do whatever he may need to do--such as check to see if ins. policies are in order, being paid., etc. IF you are his POA, the lawyer can tell you THAT. There are levels of confidentiality that must be observed and he may have more latitude than you think.
You know you dad is not going to be around for a lot longer--right? I don't mean to be a downer, but his health is really tanking--whatever is currently wrong with him will be dealt with, but this man is not ever going home again. I'm sure you're aware of that. I would focus more on just spending some quality time with him as much as you feel you can, rather than twirling in place trying to figure out his EOL desires. Frankly, his opposition to any kind of DNR is scary...I hope you do not have to witness a 'full code'.
My heart goes out to you--you've gone through SO much family drama--from all sides. And you just keep going.
Me? I'd be chewing Xanax like candy.
I hope you get your little vacation this week.
Will be interested as to lab work
Am told, fluid will be sent to lab, determine origin
Heart related, infection related or tumor related.
We'll see.
Hope it gives him some relief.