I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
MIL also under the weather in NH.
I guess the story goes she'd been somewhat disoriented . more so than is normal . and lethargic and increasingly worsening since Friday ..
I guess SIL getting some attn from staff there on site, . the thinking . perhaps UTI .. about typical of how you see with her, when a UTI on board.
I guess .. these things don't happen fast ..???.... so . on Saturday is when SIL had asked they do that. Don't know why it didn't occur on Saturday ...
But yesterday .. a call from NH . they wanted to send her to hospital . shaky, agitated, . disoriented, lethargic ... and SIL again, "no . don't send her to hospital, test her for UTI".
They did so . and all clear, nothing there. I guess they sent it off for further culture .. and ... her labs were all clear, no real sign of dehydration or anything . but these are all symptoms one sees in her, when she is either dehydrated or UTI .. so . who knows.
They did start an IV for fluids there on site, .. yesterday afternoon late and said that by yesterday evening, she did seem a bit more oriented .. and .. still really lethargic, shaky . but at least somewhat a bit better oriented.
So . the hits they just keep coming. Hopefully it's something easily managed via NH . and not a trip to hospital to stay there for a few days.
Or "I never planned to get old. But it happened anyway".
How not to approach old age: Denial and obfucsation in Florida; a daughter's tale.
Glad you got out with friends last night.
Hand-holding, not stepping and fetching is what dad needs. Any other requests should bring forth the answer "we need to call your lawyer about that".
I say "we" because I WOULD assist dad in making that call. But I think that's all I would do, besides comfort him, advocate for good EOL care and and share fond memories
had he sat down with legal paperwork and showed you that you are heir to fortunes .. wealth and opulence .. and all for you dorker .. would you feel differently. And no, I have to say .. I don't think I would. Obviously there is still in the mix of it all, his scrambled eggs for brains wife . and the fact there is no effective measure in place to deal with her .. and so that .. is a war I don't want to wage .. not for someone who has been a distant presence, for most of my life.
I do reminisce at times .. in adult hood he and I did share .. mostly via emails . a love of music . so we had that in common . and reading . .. and .. my dad .. be that patronizing me .. I don't know . did seem to be a big cheerleader for me .. when we'd talk .. my biggest cheerleader .. encouragement .. belief in me, . if he was ever aware of struggles and strife I was wearing .. that I can say for him .. he did cheer me on ... at times, from afar. And that I will always appreciate in him ... sadly lacking elsewhere .. the one and only cheerleader to some of life's hurdles we all face . in him I did have that, at times.
It's been a comfort to me thru the years . at times .. I was the dunce of the kids as we grew up .. brother . grades came easy . he played heartily but yet always good grades .. stepsister .. same . always good grades. Then there was dunce dorker (mostly lazy) . .never good grades, .. notes home from teachers .. "needs to work harder, needs to apply herself, needs to stop daydreaming" . always the dunce dorker . of the 3 kids.
It has been an enormous comfort thru the years . as he has marveled . audibly that I . in the end . turned out to be the smart one (he's referring to common sense). The other two . can probably tell you European history and the leaders and when/what/why ... but I can tell you, you need to come inside, it's raining.
He has always marvled at hat thru the years .. me as an adult . that I turned out to be not so dumb afterall. Years prior as a kid . he too would get frustrated with my lackadaisical attitude towards studies .. and I was . I just didn't care.
It's been a comfort . that he .. at some level . has actually said out loud, more than once, that he's proud of me. And that I will treasure and miss one day when he's gone .. and that may be not too far off.
Was he just patronizing me ..
I don't know .. don't care really . you can't really care all that much to be honest when it's someone who is essentially a peripheral presence .. that's kinda how that works.
Was he truly proud . and enjoyed the commonality in a daughter that also enjoys some things he enjoys .. music/reading .. perhaps.
Do I hold a grudge that he was so distant and not a bonded presence in my life thru the years. I don't think so no. See above, I was quite comfy in the periphery . worked for me.
Maybe that's why to me, .. it makes more sense to stay peripherally in his life . even at this point .. even in the face of what will likely be shambles as EOL approaches and biz affairs not in order, . and even . yes .. no assets to hand down to his kids . but he's made his choices .. and I even pushed prodded .. for more attention and to no avail. Why go fight city hall. I tried .. and I just am not motivated enough for someone that was peripheral to my life .. to dig in, in those trenches . if it suits him that his assets be a mess and left to her and her's . so be it . they are his assets . they were never mine anyway.
So I stay on the sidelines and throw a bone of help . in some small ways and that works for me. I guess is all the best way I know how to describe it.
take that to my house, go to the PO and make sure your matters are forwarded appropriately to my address .. and then .. find myself on the opposite end of your wife and her proprietary issues having to do with her dementia . and at odds with her . that you have refused to have seen to .. no . a fight I'm not willing to wage for someone who spent their life at arm's length from mine.
Will you help to do some research going forward as to placement if that's the choice made, . be glad do it .. my fingers can climb thru a google search as good as the next guy .. no problem. Take you in for my yellow bedroom, .. absolutely not, h377 no.
Talk to med staff using the discernment of the brain the Good Lord gave me, .. and to advocate on your behalf and question that which I think needs further answering to, . sure no problem .. glad to do so .. no big deal.
Run an occasional holiday meal by (as I've done) and shove it in the door .. yep .. don't mind doing that. Run by for the occassional need .. (Miralax, as was seen recently) . no problem .... not a biggie ..
Go get your groceries weekly. Nope. There are delivery services for that, and it's MO .. you don't need to be in that home anyway . and meals . can be provided in a LTC setting . don't choose to go that route in the end, your choice certainly .. as you're said to be of sound mind .. so fine .. choose that if you will, but .. no . no expectation I intend to move in over there and/or be driving there daily to meet needs . not gonna happen.
All of this and more, .. insight on my part, .. as I weigh out and ponder, . .Gee dorker . whaddya think it's gonna feel like once he's gone . are you gonna regret that you didn't step up more, . are you gonna regret that you stepped in too much and found yourself mired in it all .. and .. too deeply entrenched in what was never yours to begin with and with a dad who didn't see fit to see to details .. what's that gonna feel like to you . once his demise is history and retrospect can be had.
I don't know honestly .. I haven't lost a parent .. I may be soon . . and I realize that. I haven't walked that road.
There are some who might would look at the frail old guy who was able to obviously . squirrel away resources . some at the cost of hurting his minor children and the child support check he scrimped on . in the divorced mother of those kids . and flip him a bird finger and waltz away. I don't fault them . that's what feels okay to them.
There are some who maybe would feel a compunction to dive deep in it all, the man will be gone soon . let's work to repair a lifetime of distance that didn't have to be there . let me hop in and be all things to all need .. and all that lifetime of damage . can be repaired. Not so with me. I was quite comfortable on the periphery remember. Worked fine for me, I don't look back longingly at what coulda/shoulda been. How do you miss what you never had.
Or there are those maybe like me . who have compassion . (to a degree) and .. the realization that yes . he knows he made some real flubs along the way in his parenting adventures thru life (haven't we all) .. some deeper flubs than others .. and he knows this ... he's not stupid ... and so .. ole Dorker, who has a big heart, . and would help the neighbor across the street, . (to a degree) . will do the same for this man that shares the same DNA as me .. and .. with measure . .. will be a part of things .. with limitation . and try to help . with limits .. and I think in that, .. I won't be one who has to look back . one day when his demise is history and say "gee, dorker you should've really stepped up to the plate more" .. or "gee dorker you sure got mired in a bunch of chit that you didn't need to get stuck in".
A middle of the ground . approach perhaps.
That's about the best way I know to describe what is ongoing.
I've even gone so far in my own mind . with a scenario of "gee dorker, had
their affairs .. I was persona non grata .. to what goes on under their roof, their finances and most everything else, pushed away to arm's length and never invited in for a look see at any of it.
Ya know ... I spent most of my adult life .. at arm's length from he and she .. and was quite comfy in those socks .. didn't bother me any. If I ever thought about his EOL and what that might look like, I imagine that I probably figured it would be notification from his wife that he was on his death bed, if me or brother cared to come say our g'byes . and maybe that'd be about it. I think that's probably what I envisioned if I ever gave it much thought.
The notion that he would, in his frailer years . . lean on me .. at all .. and that his wife would be left with scrambled eggs for brains .. never even dawned on me, to even weigh out .. "well gee, . that will all certainly be interesting ... me . who has spent the entire duration of my adult life .. pushed to arm's length ... hmm .. what a notion .. gee dorker, you really should look into that crystal ball and get some 20/20 vision on how you think you'll handle that.
But yet here we are aren't we. Him imploring me to call upon his brother . to see if he'd be interested to give up his own existence to come this way and help "navigate" (his words) some things going forward. His brother wasn't able to, not interested, whatever. Him . mentioning in passing . "gee, I may need to get you on the payroll to help me with some things" . and I slipped right past that one .. if it comes up again . he'd be told, .. "not interested dad . I kinda like the arrangement where I do what I feel compelled to do and decline that which I don't care to do .. not interested in being on anyone's payroll .. and expectation thereof . on my behalf . to maybe step up to roles I'm not willing to play in all this". Him mentioning in passing . what a struggle his bills are becoming, to stay on top of . (hint hint . dorker will you take the ball and run with it) . and to my response, "there are services that will take care of that for you" and changing the subject.
All of that to say . there is a reason/basis for the actions or lack thereof, that I take ..
1. For whatever his reasons .. he obviously didn't care enough . value my opinions/concerns enough . when I kept prompting him, to see to that which needed immediate attention. He doesn't have to .. he doesn't "owe" me a thing .. not one thing in this world. But I don't "owe" him anything either, .. ergo . get on his *payroll* to address his needs .. and/or take on his bills and sort that thru and attend to it . .. or .. give up my existence, to help him "navigate" some things his brother declined to come and provide for him.
2. If in this life he's been given . the road ahead for him is one paved with fights and squabbles with his wife as to marital assets . one he doesn't wish to travel in fighting with her . to see to it that his kids are left part of his assets . that's certainly a choice he's free to make . and I am not one to fight that. Having spent my life at arm's length ..
He's making his choices (in the fact he isn't choosing to address thing that need to be seen to) .. and .. that is apparent ..
And so dorker what say you .. ??.. then what will you do for this man who was indeed your dad . . such that it was . and at the end of his life .. what will you do as to practical matters.
Will you go live there in their home . to attend to him, and fight w/his scrambled eggs for brains wife. Absolutely not, h377 no.
Will you take his stack of bills and checkbook home with you and begin with that as your new charge. No .. not interested, . that too . there is a service for same, .. be glad to help you find a reputable one ... and even do the legwork if you want . to make sure there is sit down and/or . maybe shooting back and forth of documents needed .. glad to do it, but no . won't take that to my
This morning . just doing normal Sunday AM stuff .. escapism maybe? Enjoyed church (online, . not yet gathering in sanctuary, due to Covid).
3rd attempt to talk to dad this morning (2x's between yesterday afternoon and evening) .. he can't talk, too weak .. even nurse confirms this. Struggle for him... shortness of breath .. weak, up to 4 liters of oxygen ongoing.
The hope is the Monday procedure to draw that fluid out of his lungs (who knows if it will begin refilling . it could . so I'm told . we'll have to see what is the origin of it) .. but . the hope is that will offer some relief as to the shortness of breath . and ergo .. maybe he can begin to not feel as lousy. We will see.
Long and short, . he really just cannot effectively communicate at this point. Even confirmed with the nurse, . who says she too struggles to understand him and he . .frustrated .. and so weak, short of breath . struggles to adequately speak at this point. He even asked her to tell me, that he's not able to talk right now.
As I bat back and forth . whether to march up to his hospital room and in between his shortness of breath .. holding his hand lovingly .. and "dad .. tell me . just tell me 1 thing . who is your atty" .. and hope he'd utter out something that resembles anything that makes sense and is intelligible .. as I bat that notion around.
I come full circle back to . the ample time he had to get his affairs in order, . and more to the point, me prompting each step of the way . for months .. all to no avail.
I can only surmise ..
1. Is it that he doesn't think it any of my dam biz . what his affairs are . underlying all of it .. oh I'm fine to be the step n'fetchit . and slave child, . but what of his affairs at EOL ... none of my dam biz . and so rather than come out and say that .. as he was pushed/prodded ... he just kicks the can down the road, all in a veiled shadow of .. "I'm not sharing that w/her .. ".
or
2. Has this man . who I always knew to be meticulous with business matters and lose ends .. all his life .. maybe let that one aspect of his life fall to ruins in never having addressed it, ...ever . in all his life .... and suddenly he found himself with a dx of cancer . weathering chemo . and other maladies of his existence, and far too weak to climb that mountain I kept pushing and prodding about, til I just quit ...
or
3. As was shared with me about this time last year .. in some of our visits . and him expressing some disdain for his wife's unwillingness to come to the table with him to settle such matters . and his .. oh I don't know .. supposition on his part, in her refusal to come to said table . was it his assumption that perhaps (and possibly that's so, maybe he's right) .. she intends to keep every dime of their marital union for her and her's .. and to fight her would be to climb Mt. Everest on a walker, . and him not willing to fight that battle, as was the case w/c'giver dismissed .. as was the case, with her pushing the dorker who comes to assist from time to time . as was the case .. all our lives as we were pushed to arm's length . me and brother .. maybe fighting her and her wants .. the path of least resistance always looked to be paved a lot smoother, so that's the one he took.
I really don't know .. I don't know if he has his affairs in order, . and maybe there is a POA somewhere .. (why hasn't he/she showed up if so) ... maybe he has his last will all in order, and .. maybe fighting her that she (possibly/likely) intends that all marital assets are squirreled away to her and her's .. and he wasn't gonna fight it. I don't know .. I don't know the answer to any of it.
As it's been all my life ..
I suspect lawyer has POA. And can act on dad's behalf.
If not, can advise dad on how to proceed.
Not suggesting that he can or should give info to Dorker.
Dad needs legal advice desperately right now to put his affairs in order.
Not suggesting Dorker take on any role, just get dad talking to the one who can see all the pitfalls.
Hiding under her bed?
At best, the attorney is a close, personal friend and might be willing to ask temporary guardianship for himself. But, I expect that’s wishful thinking and a really, really long shot.
At worse, the attorney has had both Dad and K as clients and any action
he would take for Dad independently but without Dads instructions, Dorker or even on his own behalf - would be seen as a conflict of interests - having possibly worked for both Dad and K - and perhaps breaching Attorney/Client confidentiality.
The way I see it there are only a few other options besides Dorker for competently looking after Dad and his messed up affairs and situation. Brother and BB, Stepsister and her hubby or finally a legally appointed guardian courtesy of a social worker/case manager and/or
Adult Protective Services.
If I’m wrong - someone please fill me in.
YES! Barb has nailed it. I know you will feel that you cannot stay away, and will end up going to visit your father, Dorker. You must get the name of his attorney, because that way you can in good conscience turn down any of the things he will ask you to do for him. If you do the things he asks, he will have thrown you to the wolves. And he doesn't care. At all. (Just as he never has.)
I think Dorker should assume that he's made these arrangements: visit and hold his hand.
If he starts giving instructions, ask for the name of his lawyer. If he is well enough to give instructions, he's well enough to give that information.
It's amazing how your father keeps going. I thought he would have been gone by the latter part of last year. Yet here he is, getting through crisis after crisis...and if that health insurance supplement hasn't been paid, with all the medicare care he's getting, that could be quite some bill if his supplemental policy has lapsed.
But you've said you don't care about any inheritance anyway (right?), so that's really neither here nor there. Visit if you want, but don't be surprised if he starts begging you to do this or that for him.
Great idea about making sure each (if there is more than one) visit ends on a good note, with the realization that it might be the last time you see him alive.
(Another thought -- wonder if he's made final arrangements?! Again, this is not your problem -- just something that might become a immediate issue for SOMEONE.)
You've been through this... & your experience helps. The countless ER trips, around & around but that final downturn can be faster than expected.
I remember playing a board game with my FIL & my kids. I hadn't seen him for a little while but as soon as I saw him, I saw the change. No longer 'living with cancer well' but 'fading away in front of us'. He looked so tired, so after a while I asked if he wanted to stop. He thanked me & said he enjoyed the game but would the kids mind if they went on without him? - he would just watch. I said of course. I said it was up to him when he stopped. The kids would always remember playing with him. I think we both teared up & he nodded off after a while. So grey but breathing. I left him there on the couch & wondered if that would be our last good conversation. There weren't many visits to go as it turned out. Just a few formal hellos in a hospital bed.
My Mum could keep on for 10 years so I am already trying to alter my reaction to emergencies. Not to speed to the ER just to sit sit sit.
Respond rather than react is what they say isn't it?
I especially like the bit about going to see him and letting the business details go - at least for now. Maybe if he gets stronger - there will be time for that then.
I can’t help but feel - that at least as things sit now - every talk or visit should be treated as if it just might be the last.
I think the doc asking about DNR instructions is a bit telling. Although no one has brought up hospice - so my next example is different in that way - but when they told me my dad had a couple of weeks, he passed a few days later. I wish my last visit with him had been... oh, I don’t know - more in the moment. I did not make the same mistake with my mother - hospice called and said a few days. I left to visit her right after I hung up the phone. She was gone about 17 hours later but - it was okay. I told her the things I needed to, kissed her lightly on her head and left - planning to return the next day - but thinking I might not ever see her alive again. I didn’t.
So - a long way of saying, Dorker - no regrets.
Put your life jacket on & make your way to a lifeboat. There are not enough for everybody here so find a boat & row further out.
The bills, insurance payments, K living alone, that will all go down with him.
Harsh but self-survival matters too.
Only a suggestion: go visit for a short time. Sit & hold his hand. Forget the bills, the DNR all that. He was your Dad. He wasn't always around but you've turned out ok. Thank him for being your Dad if you feel that way. Then leave. Go to the mountains. Heck, even extend your stay a few more days. Find peace. If he has sunk by your return, it was meant to be.
That is why I urge Dorker to get Dad's lawyer involved asap.
Dad has NEVER listened to anything Dorker has told him. Perhaps lawyer already holds POA.
This is a cluster- fu&k either way. I just think that Dorker needs to step away before trying to get paperwork from the house and finds herself face to face with the cops.
The process for emergency guardianship took about 4 hours. Mthr had to be served and then we had a hearing without her being present.
I hate to think that the insurance company will make more money off bio dad and SM because they miss a payment during this crisis. Please contact your brother and talk it over so he can take the reigns on the finances. And do you want to be the one telling them to unplug him? That's the direction this train is heading. The guardian makes that call from what I understand.
Why the push to contact Dads attorney. To what end ?
Hes not going to be able to tell Dorker anything - Attorney/Client confidentially and all that - and he’s not going to be able to do anything in regards to Dads affairs at the direction of Dorker.
From what Dorker has said -
Dad and K have always held their cards close to their chest. Are we hoping the attorney has some details of inner workings of the details of Dads and Ks lives together. Or that since last year’s crisis- that unbeknownst to Dorker, Dad did actually go and take care of the legal t’s and i’s?
At best - perhaps the attorney can go and talk to K - which she wouldn’t be expecting and would
probably go over like a lead balloon. And, then what? K manages to showtime or not... maybe the attorney sees first hand that K’s short a few cats eyes and blue aggies - but then what? He can’t move forward at Dorkers direction to get POA or guardianship or
whatever cause that would be a “conflict of interest”.
Im not trying to be a negative smart-azz here. But if Im missing something... I’m always in the
market to become a more informed individual.
I really am in favor of your backing off. But I think that it would be prudent to make sure that dad's "man of business" knows what is going on.
Years ago, when my mom was dxed with breast cancer and not pursuing the best line of treatment, and my dad had already been dxed for several years with Chronic Leukemia, I asked mom if their lawyer knew any of this. "Of course not".
I called him immediately. He read the riot act to my parents and got all of their end of life stuff in place.
The fact that I did this is most likely the reason I was not their POA or executor...gee, I dodged a LOT of work there, but it was the right thing to do.
I urge you, Dorker, to find the attorney and pass this all on to her/him.
Just called there, ..
Imagine the voice of the oldest man that ever lived .. that voice . and can't hear good either.
Everything was repeat/repeat/repeat . trying for him to hear me . and his responses . were even worse .. as to any ability to be intelligible.
Someone in his room to assist him to eat at the moment and so he seemed to be distracted with that, altho I was able to make out, . he's not really hungry ..
And so I didn't stay on the phone with him . it was next to impossible anyway . to be able to communicate ..
Next time I call, he may or may not have been carted outta there for some test or something . or someone in there . to do something . it's nearly impossible . so many impediments .. to trying to communicate effectively . the 1st and biggest being his frailty ..
I swear it's like talking to someone 150 years old . and yes . his hearing wasn't the greatest before .. and so that is .. either unchanged . or worse . and his speech . just wow .. barely intelligible .
I will have to keep trying . and maybe one of those times . he'll be a little more clear . as I find at times when calling him . and I can get out at least one of the questions .
want to know what the fluid is, send it to lab ..
His WBC is up .. and .. they are calling in an infectious disease doc .. I guess on his 3rd round of antibiotic . and it's not going down, that WBC. What is that fluid . the result of heart issues . .. cancer .. infection . they wanna send it to the lab ..
Still on catheter . bladder retention .. has a Urology consult upcoming ..
Heart doc said they wanna do a heart cath . he declined (I agree) . and so they will treat medication management . for his heart issues.
The doc called a bit ago . pulmonary . and said the following: "Has anyone talked to him about resuscitation and his wants .. ".
Me: "They presented a year ago when he was so sick . as to DNR and did he wish to sign it . and no he did not . wanted every measure . as to saving him. When he didn't sign it .. I then talked to him some more about it .. trying to maybe inform/persuade what that could look like and he only said he wants every measure taken .. I didn't strong arm him.
Doc: "Ok, well . considering his age here . and he has a lot of things going on .. something that maybe he needs to be aware of".
Don't know .. I guess they'll go present again . with DNR and ask .. don't know.
For all I know . he has a will/estate plan/POA whatever .. I don't know . and maybe his wife is the executrix and elsewise . such that her broken brain is . and he never made arrangement outside of that, I don't honestly know.
I will, when I can make sense with him .. "Dad . just tell me, who is your atty?" . and see if he can tell me that ..
He seems to be . .. in and out of orienting at times .. sometimes you talk to him (but this is all via phone) and he seems w/it . and the voice seems a little clearer . and not so feeble . and it seems maybe he's getting a bit better.
Next time you talk to him . it's the voice of a man 150 years old . that can barely be audible at all, outside of yelling . which expends very bit of his might to do . and you can't understand his words . they are garbled . and you ask to repeat .. and he gets winded and out of breath and exasperated .. frustrated.
And all of this . is via phone. Yes, .. I could .. he's allowed to have 1 guest at the time . but I have refrained from doing so.
1. I really don't care to be there, on site, subject to his frustration with staff (and oh is it evident he gets frustrated .. merely by someone asking him to verify his name before they give him an injection for Christ's sake .. they're required to do so .. just deal with it) .. and/or . they ask him to lift his arm for a BP cuff and that too, subject to bite their head off. He doesn't get angry with me .. but w/staff he sure does. I don't care to be subject to it.
2. I do have some slight concern about catching Covid (if I didn't already have it) . and/or spreading it, if I don't know that I'm infected and about to get dreadfully ill.
3. His wife is kept at bay . .in the knowledge that no one can visit . Covid restrictions. I don't know that she possesses the ability to even decipher, "let me call there and see for myself" .. and find out otherwise. If she should somehow find out I was there to visit .. I don't know how she'd know that, but it could happen. Take it to the bank . she'd get out and get lost . likely . trying to find this hospital on the other side of town that she had zero familiarity with . before she lost her mind .. but in the hope she too could get in to visit . she'd do just that . and not only that, she'd pack her toothbrush and set up camp there .. in his room and not leave his side. And unless he has completely lost his mind (and I have no reason to believe that to be the case) .. he wouldn't want her camping out there at his elbow.
So, for the time being, my story is "We can't go there, Covid issues" .. and I'm sticking to it. So yea, I could go there . and maybe dial in on some of this mess . with a visit there . let him rest a bit . go at it again . "Dad who is your atty?", "dad . who/how is your health ins. supplement paid?". "Dad who pays the LTC policy and when does it come due?".
But I don't wanna go there (see above) .. and .. trying to talk to him on the phone . you might get someone seemingly more alert, and able to talk/listen . but ya might not also.
I tried to call earlier today . and got a wonky phone system . was out and about . and used my cell . and I don't know if it was on my end, or theirs . but the operator at the hospital couldn't hear me, to put me through .. and so I hung up . haven't tried again.
The word this morning on his situation .
They are slating that needle aspiration for Monday . the fluid in his lungs not only not reducing on Lasix . is building. They also want to know
You are big-hearted to a fault but this crew (dad, K and SS) make MIL's family look like the Waltons. Time to become someone just to hold dad's hand once in a while.
Don't try to navigate these waters.
He may have a complicated estate, and how it is distributed between him and K could be a problem. We read of estate messes, and this looks to be one of those.
He has an attorney. The one piece of information you should be getting from him is the name of the attorney. And then contact him/her and tell them your father's current situation, and see what they say. Make sure that you will not accept POA or executrix or successor trustee responsibilities.
(The most concerning bills are the supplemental health insurance and the LTC insurance. I know that for my mother's LTC insurance, she filled out the names and addresses of me and my siblings. Before her policy was cancelled for nonpayment, we would be contacted so that there was a chance to pay the bill and keep her covered. Did your father do anything like this?)
Not your bills, not your bank account. Not SS's either.
K cannot manage the finances or living alone. Dad has not planned for when he could not run the show. Why not? (Hello to my Dad if he's reading...)
SS has to decide for herself how far to enable K at home alone now. She's also focussing on the small stuff & not the big stuff: the cable bill & not the fact she is unsafe to live alone if she can't work a phone. I'd be dragging K off to her Doctor to arrange emergency respite care asap if I were SS.