I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
When one is in the middle of years long caregiving, situations come up that are not just "the situation," like a situation from years ago that is congealed into a single story. These people and situations are unfolding, changing, tripping us up, sabotaging our efforts, putting us on the defensive. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, next year.
Here are some tricks I've learned from various sources to keep going in spite of the highway spikes others throw in your path:
Whoever the other is, "pray for the magnitude of their soul" or ask blessing for the magnitude of their soul. So the other(s) grow into understanding of what is really important, fair, just, kind. One might imagine their soul is far away from their words and actions, from how they decided how to act. So, pray their soul grows to be more in contact with what is truly important in life.
By doing this, you do not deny your own common sense that they are wrongdoers. At this point, you don't have to love them, or even to like them. But it is a form of blessing or wish that is for their own interest, and ultimately for yours and the person you are caring for. Best for the situation, and you are not fooling yourself bestowing a blessing you do not really feel.
Another approach. "Pray for divine intervention for understanding." Must be willing to get understanding for yourself, of course. This allows one to "let go and let God," to put this situation "in God's room," and keep going without overly concerning yourself with the other. And you open yourself also for insight and transformation. Meanwhile, annoying thoughts about the person is somewhat off your plate.
Story: A man and his son are driving their wagon to market, when a man in a carriage drives madly past them, whipping his horses wildly. The man and his son are driven off the road, and their wagon almost overturns. As they pick themselves up from the ditch where they have landed, the son is about to hurl curses and insults after the wildman.
But he hears his father yell after him, "God bless you, son. God bless you!!"
The son is shocked. "Father! Why did you bless that man. He almost killed us!"
"I know," said the father. "But if he did not go forward in life without a blessing, especially now, he would be an even greater danger to others."
***
Taking that up a notch, wish even for great fortune, new job, new love, trip to FARaway land...for those bothering you. Not punishment. If they are so involved in their newfound goodies, they will not bother interfering in your life. Or perhaps feel secure and unstressed enough that they have more ease in actually helping. Perhaps they'll feel generous...or that nice offer from Argentina or Moscow will sweep them out of your life.
Little things like this, one can actually do. Growing into a totally forgiving being, turning the other cheek over and all the time that is hard. Admirable. Maybe we grow into it.
There is a new book out called "Spiritual Bypassing" by Robert Augustus Masters. He criticizes the New Agers who keep holding on to platitudes, spiritual posturing, wishful thinking. This goes for the religious as well...Rapture anyone? (today's the day...or not).
It is time to do the hard work of really working on oneself and not dreaming one's problems away. Doing these sorts of things helps dissolve the bitterness of dealing with the injustices/unfairness we often face as chosen caregivers.