My FIL should not drive anymore. Unfortunately, he's passed special examinations from the DMV - twice - and the last test was about a month ago. So he's sure he's a fine driver. Frankly, he has the legal backup to "prove" it. My MIL says if the DMV says he's OK, he's OK (but she's nervous). They have to make a long trip to a military base each month to pick up meds and do inexpensive shopping. These trips wear them out, so now I must go with them. Since it's on base, I can't simply run these errands for them. (My husband's slightly disabled, and there's no one else within hundreds of miles.) My FIL, of course, insists on driving - and on taking their car - and MIL backs him up. This is really getting scary, but I see no way out, and I resent being in this precarious position. Guess this is just a vent.
My rationale concerning my Mother's driving was (still is) that she'd reached a point where even though she was at the early stages of dementia and fine in many ways, she was in some instances beginning to be NOT in her right mind. Also, since the driving issue concerned her 'independence' (how I now LOATHE that word!) she could not be objective about driving. So I - being the one person who WAS in her right mind, AND the objective one - had to take control of the situation, which I did. I took the keys, and had my boyfriend disable the car (I think pulling something out of the distributor cap...?). Then, as I said in my earlier post, I had others contact the DMV. It was sad, but I did what I believed was the only right thing to do under those circumstances. I will never regret not letting her drive. And BELIEVE me, there were BATTLES where it would have been much easier if I'd just given in to her.
I know what can happen with elderly drivers, and what helped me to action and to stand my ground was remembering: 1. My Grandmother - in her early 80's, and whose car I was supposed to get when she quit driving (I was in high school), wrapped said car around a tree, totaling it. Luckily, she was okay. And then 2. Her sister - my Tanta Emma - also in her early 80's - wasn't so lucky. She was driving, ran a stop sign, and was broadsided. She and her husband Walter were okay at the time, but a few months later poor Walter died. It was believed the shock to his body from the accident was what did him in. Oh yeah - Emma died a few months after that - depressed, and wracked with guilt believing that she'd killed her husband.
So, when I'd start getting weak-kneed thinking perhaps I was being 'mean', 'unfair', whatever about stopping Mom's driving and perhaps I should reconsider, I'd literally think back about Grandmom and Tanta Emma and KNOW I'd made the right decision concerning Mom's driving.
Stopping my Mother's driving was a tough choice, but many times the right thing to do isn't always the easiest. I hope this gives some food for thought.
How about a reward? Rewarding the elder for NOT driving, say, rewarding for using a substitute for driving, or doing the other thing besides driving such as allowing another person to drive or using a cab or bus? Or a reward for giving up the car or keys? This would have to be straightforward, done lovingly, not patronizing, consistent with what you promise, and a offering rather decent temptation to give in to giving up driving. Just a thought. This way, you are relieved from the game playing and power struggles which sound truly exhausting.
My apologies, and thank you all very much for your patience.
Next day at a funeral service, I get a call, let it go to voicemail. NASTY message accusing me of taking her key and wants it back NOW. I returned her call and said I did not touch your key (truth). So she says who did then? Just replied you're so smart, you figure it out and hung up.
NEXT day I get a nastier call DEMANDING I come down and fix whatever I did to her car... so I was right about her having another key and she managed to locate it and try to go out. I just said I did nothing to it, maybe the battery is dead.
We eventually took it to the mechanic because she had ruined one tire and rim (hence me saying we HAVE to take this away) and then using POA sold it.
She still moans about not having "wheels" and being unable to get out. With limited hearing (none on one side, hearing aid that *might* be working and/or not lost), macular degeneration (legally blind in one eye) AND having no idea where she is anymore, we had to step in. She also had "passed" their test, but license is good for 5 YEARS.. thankfully it is now expired. Last time driving/wheels came up I had her take the license out and look at it - when does it expire mom? Oh it is good through 2016 - yes mom, until your birthday, which was in AUGUST!
So, if there is a way to get access briefly to the keys, have someone pull the battery cable.... He might figure it out, but it's worth a try... get it towed to "mechanic" and keep delaying it's return...
As for someone's suggestions about other ways to get the meds - can they not mail them? My mother's insurance uses CareMark mail order for long term meds, so I just used POA to get them sent to me instead of her because she could not remember if she took them or not.
Best of luck - research all your options. Elder Care attorney's are not cheap, but if all else fails...perhaps they can help?
I have tried guilting - so have others - but it only comes out as us being catastrophizing, and results in an increase in my FIL's determination to drive. It does *not* turn into guilt on my in-laws' part.
My own husband cannot drive - he had to stop at age 54. He accepts this now, though it's hard on him. My own spouse and I were able to deal with it, and to adapt, on our own - no need for aid from relatives, police or DMV (it did help that his doctors were also very clear on this). I was never in denial. My MIL knows we went through it, and that we manage. But at age 85, she does not have the same outlook, or husband-wrangling skills, as I did.
When I'm around, I do the driving. Not negotiable, not anymore. I'm almost never too far from home to turn around and take them somewhere. But if I'm not right there at the house when he wants to drive? He drives. (We do not live in the same neighborhood, but we're very close.)
While I am gradually getting through to my MIL - she does call on me more often - it's too slow for safety. Mea culpa.
I suspect *I'm* the one who needs guilting, and lots of it, because I haven't been able to come up with a unilateral solution.
My husband agrees with me completely, but cannot handle the situation directly due to post-stroke issues of his own. (Especially unfortunate since my husband cannot drive, either, so he'd otherwise be a persuasive factor.)
My MIL will *NOT* work with me in dealing with the police or his doctors. Not yet, anyway. She's getting there, but ... it's a process. She *does* conspire with me to take the car on some of their trips, and she's opening up more and more about her concerns in general.
Most of the bases around here have closed, so the one he uses IS the closest one. He can get meds through a civilian provider - but they would cost several hundreds of extra dollars per month. (He does not get anything though the VA.)
That said ... his driving's the issue. I have offered and offered and offered to drive them - and not just to the base and back. I can do so with ease. (Sometimes, they'll let me.) They're a few minutes away, and I'm retired, so my own convenience is not an issue.
So yes, they need to go there. But he does *not* need to drive. He looks for reasons to do so. If we eliminated the base trips, he'd simply find a different long drive to take.
Several years ago, our state DMV got in a spot o' bother for yanking licenses inappropriately, so they've since swung in the opposite direction. Many doctors are also reluctant to act.
Practically speaking, it's the family's sole responsibility, which we must proudly take on with our hands tied behind our backs. I don't think I'm *legally* liable, but morally and ethically, where it really counts -- I'm 150% responsible.
I don't think driving privileges should be based on age, but on ability. Of course, ability should be tested more frequently after a certain age (though I'm not sure which age), and/or when certain medical conditions are present, and/or when driving records indicate possible issues.
I'd think the kind of injury your MIL had would have prompted the ER to ask questions--either he did it on purpose, which is spouse abuse, or it was an accident that could indicate declining driving ability. Either way, they should have records. I hope you can go to the BMV with this info and suggest he be retested.
My husband is with me/us on this, but he's not in a place where he feels he can talk to either of them. For one thing, this is all very emotional for him, and his post-stroke response to strong emotion is to go into deep fatigue and involuntarily zone out. Talking strategically is also difficult for him most of the time. He wants to be on the team, so add his own frustration to the mix.
One of my sisters-in-law intends to move down this way in the next month or two. She filed the first report on my FIL. I just hope family dynamics (all families got 'em) don't stand in the way of sanity.
His memory is poor, and just keeps getting worse. While he can perform all daily skills, I noticed he was not able to help my MIL much at the ER or after we got her home.
The day I sent my OP, he had just pulled out of the garage without checking to see if my MIL was completely in the car. He gets impatient - he had to go, and he had to move NOW! The car door knocked my MIL to the ground, and she hit her head on the pavement. We spent most of the day in the ER (he drove me, and it was scary). Luckily, my MIL's wound was relatively minor, though she still has a painful bump.
Then, he wanted me to go to the base with him the next day. With him driving, of course. I felt trapped and obligated. Many thanks, again, for helping me snap out of that!
He's already been reported to the DMV twice, and was cleared - again - just days before all of this. His regular doctor will NOT do anything - it was a substitute doctor who most recently tried to stop him from driving, and that doctor is pretty much never available.
There was no way to move further until all the holiday foo-far-rah was over, and now, of course, I've got a head cold to beat the band!
As soon as I'm reasonably non-contagious, I plan to talk to my MIL about the possibility of a neuropsych exam. She acknowledges that he has difficulties. I'm also documenting what I see so I can file my own report, if need be.
Unfortunately, I may need to ride with him at least once more so I can add to the documentation. Frankly, I'm a wimp about this (the riding, not the filing). Catch-22.
My MIL is non-techy by choice. But she is able to learn to do what she needs/wants to do. We may be able to work on an online prescription solution, if both the military and civilian insurers don't tangle them up in too much red tape.
My husband was forced to stop driving after his stroke at age 54. I had similar fun with him, too, for awhile. But his judgment improved over time, and he lost interest.
As to the original post, I think we often put our elder's needs above our own sometimes, and sometimes it's just ridiculous the things families go through. People need a reality check as aging brings uncomfortable realities and the older generations don't seem to have been equipped/prepared to deal with it. Perhaps the boomer generation will become more enlightened with aging and can gracefully move into their mature years without overly burdening their families or adding more dysfunction to troubled family relationships. I know family dynamics play a huge role in what can be said or not in difficult times. Control, manipulation, is at work etc. Social workers can often step in and be a buffer, a great source in these situations. Best of luck as things progress.