I take care of my 78 year old grandmother. I'm here after researching the reverse of elder abuse (patients who abuse caregivers). I'm desperate for help. Everyone I've spoken to about my grandma's behavior believes she has dementia. However, she refuses to be tested & blames all the ensuing fights--recently become physical--on me. Nothing is her fault. If I confront her about an aggressive behavior she does--& believe me, she gets very physically threatening--she denies it & says I did it to her.
She is very manipulative & controlling, albeit in a very passive-aggressive way. Before this "switch" in personalities, which started 2 months ago, she would say "Ah-men! (amen)" or "I'm all upset!" when we need to discuss something. Whenever she said this, she'd walk away, sulk, & not eat a meal because her "stomach's all upset." She's never taken responsibility for her actions & instead has always blamed it on others.
She's told me that I'm fat (which I am), that I have "turkey legs" & she has "chicken thighs", not to "eat all those cookies!" when I only take two, & told my father to sit next to her in a restaurant booth because "there's no room" where I was sitting. (I was taking off my winter coat at the time, & there was more than enough room for him.)
She refuses to listen to me because I do not have the requisite equipment (read: I'm not a male, & I'm not my father), so any time I need to discuss something with her, it becomes a fight which ends in me telling her to "Call Dad."
She's begun to "forbid" me from calling my father, & has tried to prevent me from doing so during a particularly bad fight in the last few days. She's become obsessed with the amount of money I have & the amount of toilet paper I use, & tries to regulate how much I use. She's become paranoid that I'm snooping (have never done so), & tells all her friends that I'm "abusing" her (never done that either). She tells them how unhappy she is that I'm here & how she can't wait for me to move out. She tells them that I "start all the fights" we have (untrue--she is very physically aggressive with me: she storms into the room I'm occupying, begins to herd me into a corner & tries to prevent me from escaping that corner) & that she's "scared of" me. (This I don't know why, because I've never retaliated, although I have threatened to call the police if she ever strikes me again. She laughed like it was the best joke she'd heard in years.)
My situation has been reported to Elder Affairs in my state by 3 different people, & it has been classified as a high risk/high priority case. I am worried because my grandma is sweetness & light in public/around others, but when it's just us two, she's Mr. Hyde.
It's to the point where I've lived under near constant "high alert" mode for 2 months. I am on a sleep aid because I cannot sleep for fear that she's going to start a fight while I'm sleeping, & I'm constantly worrying when the next outburst from her will be, & if that one will be when she decides it's okay to hit me hard enough to give me a black eye or bloody nose. (If she does hit me, I'll be calling 911.) I am on anti-anxiety medication because I've begun to startle & physically shake when she so much as moves from one room to another. Because of our fights, my hand/wrist/arm tendonitis flares up so badly that it takes me a week to get to a point bearing a small semblance of normal. This is because my arms & hands shake so badly & so hard--a physical reaction to the elevated level of fear that I experience during them. I have to watch my back while she's in "crazy" mode because she charges my back when I turn it to her.
My family knows & understands that, because of the excessive reaction I have to my grandma, I now need to take care of myself. My father is under the delusion that our "problems" as he calls them will work themselves out if "we just talk to each other." The problem is my grandma's (new) idea of "talking" is her yelling at me about an issue I didn't know was an issue until she started yelling about it. His role has been to listen to my venting & nod in sympathy & says, "Give me more time & patience" when I beg him to "do something now."
I have no support.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks to you & Eyerishlass for the job suggestion. I'll check into it.
AlwaysMyDuty: I'm feeling your thoughts here. I really needed them. Thanks.
I'll keep all of you posted...hopefully not from a shelter. We'll see.
Oh, your father knows what his mother was doing to you! Those words he said was to only pacify you. He knows that his mom is not going to become “pals” with you. Remember, your mom went thru it, too. I hope he keeps your promise of keeping your wherabouts a secret.
Your situation is dangerous. If you have read enough on this site, you will find that the elderlies have a legal right to abuse us. Why? Because they’re not all there in their head. Whereas we are sane and “should know better.” I’ve read of one poster who had so many bruises from her mother, documented at the hospital – and still nothing is done. But if you even defended yourself physically from their assault, they can press charges against you for elder abuse. Please be very careful between now and when you leave.
I was thinking the same line as Eyerishlass. Since there’s a lot of medical places there, just apply at the bottom and work your way up. Learn everything – even those that have nothing to do with your job description. Give it a try. Do baby steps. And it doesn't have to be caregiving. You can try data entry - just type data from paper to the computer, etc....My niece took nursing class and is now working at an optical store (as an aide/assistant). My baby sister took nursing and is also an assistant for an eye surgeon. My niece was under govt subsidies and food stamp at the time she was taking nursing classes at the local community college.
Like Jeannegibbs, can you update us once in a while? Otherwise, I will think you moved to the shelter and keep wondering what happened to you.
Eyerishlass: Thanks for your comment. Right now I'm so burned out that the thought of caring for someone else is beyond me. I've had offers to do this, but I've turned every single one of them down. I need to focus on getting to a normal head space since I've been living in fear of her since November. Most of my responses are exaggerated (jumping/flinching at loud noises or when she comes into my room, shaking so badly afterward that it triggers my tendonitis, extensive/excessive crying jags, etc.), which is why I need some time.
Jeannegibbs: I posted an update a couple posts above your own. Thank you.
I hope the state agency will be able to help you very soon. Please keep in touch here. We all will want to know how this unfolds for you.
You are obviously intelligent. You write well and are grammatically correct. I don't know what kind of job pays $30/week but I could make more than that being a prostitute and I'm 44 years old and no great shakes. You deserve to make more and I have no doubt that you are capable of doing well at whatever you do.
Your grandmother's a loon and I'm glad you're getting out, glad that you are doing what you have to do to get your life back and not letting a cat stand in your way. When you get settled you can get her back or start over and adopt a darling little kitten to celebrate your new independence.
I think your dad just doesn't want to be involved. It sounds like his head is stuck in the sand and his advice to be patient is both anemic and impotent. That is obviously not the approach that is most effective with his mother. I wonder if he has been cowed by her his entire life.
You're doing the right thing. I don't care what the circumstances are, no one should live in fear and you are very brave for making the necessary arrangements to get yourself out of that toxic and dangerous environment. The day you leave close the door and don't ever look back. I think it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
And there are tons of jobs in healthcare without having to be a nurse or a Dr. You could be a Patient Care Technician at a local hospital, kind of like a nursing assistant and you will make more than $30/week! Choose a hospital then go to their website. Look for jobs available most likely on a drop-down menu and you can scroll through the jobs available at that hospital. The job will be listed plus the educational level required among other basic information.
You're making good, healthy, and sane decisions. You can't go wrong!
My uncle (her younger son) believes her lies now, even though he should know me better than this. We have no contact. He ignores me completely when he visits, & I try to pretend he doesn't exist. We had 1 argument over the phone in April; my grandma kicked me & I called the police on her. They warned her not to touch me, that if they heard from me again she'd be arrested. Elder Services came the next day & basically said they "understood" why she kicked me (?!) & proceeded to treat me like a 5 year old who doesn't understand her precarious legal position.
My uncle has taken my dad's position (described in my OP). Whatever he tells her, she does. There's no communication between him & my dad, although it's not for lack of trying on my dad's part.
My dad cancelled his wedding because of all that's happening with us, & with what his fiancee's going through with her aging father as well.
I found a foster for my cat, & she's taking wonderful care of my baby. I miss her so damn much.
My mom & I have, surprisingly enough, gotten closer. It turns out that a lot of the things my grandma has done to me was also done to her over 30 years ago. The only thing new, she said, is the physicality (her being very physically aggressive).
I gave my landlord notice of my impending move that's coming up in 1 1/2 weeks after I called the police on her. I have nowhere to go--still--after several months of searching. Elder Services told me they didn't see "proof" of my progress in the moving--I laughed...bitterly...at that. My bedroom was empty but for the pieces I was selling, my suitcases packed with my clothes, & the absolute necessities (my bed, alarm clock, computer, & printer). Everything else has been put into storage. Suffice it to say that I've received no help from them since my grandma told her lies.
I phoned my grandma's doctor to beg her for the last time to get her tested... I eavesdropped on a phone call she made & she mentioned her doctor wanted her brain tested but she's refused--as she's done all other times.
At this point, I'm pretty positive that I'll be going to a shelter on June 1st if I don't find somewhere to live before then. I've exhausted everything else I can think of for help, & I don't earn the minimum the transitional housing places require to rent an apartment from them. Family & friends can't take me in, subsidized housing lists are closed, etc. I'm advertising on Craigslist for a room but I've just gotten perverts replying to that. So...a shelter is pretty much the only option I'm looking at right now.
My grandma keeps pitching little fits & demanding to know where I'll be going, & she gets even angrier when I tell her it's no longer any of her business. I don't give a d@mn anymore. My father has been sworn to secrecy, & so has everyone else. When I move, the new address will be given to my parents & siblings, & a couple close friends of mine. That's it. My father knows that the woman society calls my grandma is no longer a real grandma to me. I've washed my hands of her. After I get out, she'll no longer exist to me.
In the meantime, I'm still on a couple medications for depression & for anxiety. I hope the anxiety medication will help me stop picking at the skin around my nails, as well as the skin on the sides & soles of my feet & around some of my toenails. (I'll spare you the pictures.)
I've been in therapy for a few years & it's been a complete lifesaver during all this. I honestly don't think I'd be here if it weren't for my weekly therapy sessions.
Thanks so much for all your comments. If you have any other suggestions or ideas on what else I can do to find myself a place, please do so.
Thanks again.
I don't know the contents of the will. For all I know, I might get a little something. I might just get nothing. I really just do not know, & frankly, I really have no interest whatsoever in knowing what's in her will. I just know what my grandma wishes to have happen to her things (i.e., her jewelry, assorted knick-knacks, various furniture, etc.) after she dies. (Divvy it up between her sons & her 4 grandkids--6 people total.)
If I put a lock on my door, it's a violation of my lease. I have nowhere else to go. I don't even have a car. :(
Locks on our bedroom doors are forbidden in our apartment building (policy; designed for people 55+). I know--I BEGGED for one to be installed.
I have nowhere to go. I have very few friends--2, in fact. Both cannot take me in. All family members are poor/have a territorial dog/health issues/other valid reason, so they can't take me in either. I've considered going to an emergency shelter, but that'd mean I'd have to leave my cat here, & that's something I'm not willing to do. I do not want my grandma to begin abusing my cat because I'm not here to be her punching bag.
I earn roughly $30/week at my job. They cut our hours because Corporate said we didn't meet any of the goals they'd set for my store. It's the first job I've had in 4 years (laid off); hopefully you can understand my reluctance to quit before finding another job. I live in an area rife with hospitals, & that's where all the jobs are. I have no medical training or I'd be all over those jobs. Spending a few years in school when I most need to leave the house is counterintuitive & counterproductive.
The state agency I spoke with said I might be eligible for some sort of grant, but I won't know more until I get assigned a caseworker & speak with them in more detail. They are fully aware of how urgent my situation is, & they are working very hard to get me out (assuming they can help me do so) ASAP.
This is not a job for a young person. Your family is expecting you to give up your life and future. Sounds like your Grandmother needs professional care.
Hopefully you have installed another lock on your bedroom door so you can sleep at night.
Best of luck and God bless!
As to my grandma's will, I have no idea what's going on in it. From the very beginning, I've told her I don't want to know what's in it. I just know what she wants us to do with the things she has (divide it up equally between her 4 grandkids--all girls--after my dad & uncle go through & take what they want first). Aside from the knowledge of where she's hidden the will, that's all I know.
I do not know why my father doesn't want to step in. I guess he doesn't want to believe that his mother's going downhill fast? Not sure. It doesn't help that my uncle (his brother) has once again pulled a disappearing act. No one knows where he is & he refuses to get in contact with us. That may be another reason for his reticence.
I wish I could leave--I've tried everything. No one in the family is able to take me in due to various reasons; the Emergency Section 8 housing list is closed; & I don't make enough money from my job to support myself even in a rent-controlled apartment. As a last, desperate, measure, I contacted a state agency in the hopes that they'll be able to help me find a place to live while simultaneously helping me find a job that'll support myself because I'm coming up short.
My father's under the delusion that our problems "will work themselves out" even though I've warned him many times that they will not.
She refuses to tell anyone she has problems. She won't let me go with her to the doctor, & refuses to let them talk to me, so all they can do is listen. She lies & says she's "fine" when anyone asks.
I have begged my father to do something about her escalating behavior but he keeps asking me for "more time & patience."
Hopefully, now that Elder Affairs has gotten themselves involved, my grandma will be forced to accept help that she's refused & rejected for years.
Hugs to you and take care.