My mother is 85, in fair health (she is in dialysis three days a week) and very sharp-minded. Unless I take her somewhere (Target, grocery store, to see grandkids, dinner, etc), she only watches TV. She complains that she "doesn't go anywhere or do anything", yet she refuses to move to assisted living facility (we have visited a few). I have checked out the senior centers and events in our city and they seem to be geared toward seniors who need services such as transportation, meals, etc. Most of her friends have died or she has lost contact over many years. I feel suffocated knowing I am her only companion. I don't want to hire someone to make her life more "social". She is resistant to anything new, including the possibility of a computer. Any ideas?
Because you don't insist on it. Why shouldn't she try to get by with as much as she can? You'll have to set the boundaries -- she has no incentive to do so.
You are right. This will never end. Unless you end it. Mother isn't going to volunteer to stop doing what she knows will get her way. If you keep caving in the results will keep being the same. If you want to stop envying your friends whose mothers have died, you need to change your behavior and get a life. If this is too hard to do on your own, sign up for some counseling to get you started.
Continue to be loving to your mother. Take her to movies occasionally. Take her to family dinners at your sister's. Shop with her now and then. But don't sacrifice your own life. You are a very dutiful daughter and you deserve respect from your mother, not manipulation. I don't approve of adult children abandoning their sick parents and that is not what I am suggesting. But there is a huge range between abandonment and enslavement. Please position yourself in the healthier middle!
Please look and see if there is a clause that says you are responsible for your mother's social life. Can't find it? Well then, did you sign some kind of an addendum to the original mother/daughter deal that gives you that responsibility?
What I'm getting at is the niggling problem you're having. Your mother would love you to provide her a holiday every week. Hey, I'd love for my kids to do that, too. But they don't OWE me a weekly (or annual) holiday and you don't owe your mother one. The fact that you are willing and able to provide this pleasure to her sometimes is a bonus. Instead of feeling guilty for the times you don't do it, feel proud for the times you do. Really. It is a subtle difference, but it can be huge.
You are not responsible for the state of your parents' marriage. You are not responsible for either of their social lives. That your mother is lonely or bored is not your fault.
You are, however, responsible for your own social life. If you are spending every Friday night and Saturday with Mum, what is happening in your own social life? Isn't this the time you should be building the foundation for the rest of your life? Do you want to get to your mother's age and have no social life of your own? Who would step into the void and provide you with a social life then?
Continue to do nice things for/with your mother. Do them out of love and with pleasure. Drop the sense of obligation. Definitely drop the guilt. If giving up all your Friday nights is cramping your own social life, switch some of mom's time to Sundays or Tuesdays. Be creative and find ways to give Mum some pleasure and also to live your own life. I don't think this is an either/or -- I think that you can do both. You just have to start looking at it differently.
Good luck!
My dad is nearly 85 and is tending only to drive to the places he knows these days as he sometimes gets lost, even when walking. I was going to buy him a GPS but I thought the stress of learning how to use it might make matters worse. :) So that really cuts out him driving mum anywhere new.
About four times a year I have a long lunch on Fridays in school holidays and that gives me a break as I've asked her not to come those Fridays as I'm not sure what time I'll be home. Problem is I feel guilty about having that break and end up spending extra time with her the week before. I'll have to stop doing that I think.
I do on occasions order pizza but it's not her favourite food so we only have it once a month or so. Perhaps I'll start getting Chinese on the way home or something, that might work?
I've recently made small changes to Fridays in that I don't usually give mum the choice of what program to watch on TV as 8 out of 10 nights she falls asleep. That gives me a modicum of control and I don't get so resentful watching something I don't enjoy while she sleeps.
I think I will definitely take your advice about doing something other than shopping on Saturdays. Thank you so much for your incites - I've got to say it feels good to put them out in the open and I don't generally like to share my negative feelings about this too much with my friends.
One Saturday a month you shop with Mum until she drops. One Saturday you go to a museum or a movie or a flower show or a circus -- whatever entertainment is in town and in season. The other Saturdays of the month are yours alone.
Why would driving duty fall to you? Wouldn't your dad be willing to drive her places?
When do you spend time with your father?
Because you love her dearly and you don't want to spoil that sentiment, I suggest finding ways to minimize the parts of your interaction with her that are most troubling to you.
Try to set some boundaries now. It isn't going to get any easier as she ages.
I would suggest bingo, or pensioner clubs, but then if your mother doesn't drive (as mine doesn't), then it just becomes another job for you to take her to these activities.
I love my mother dearly, and would hate to lose her, I just don't want to feel so responsible for her.
My mother also only watches tv and reads her celebrity magazines unless one of her kids does something with her. More and more she doesn't want to leave her apartment. She has a lot of arthritic pain and moving around is difficult. Instead of going to a restaurant she likes it when we bring a meal in. She doesn't go grocery shopping any more. If she is having a good day and if she has an event coming up she MIGHT let one of us take she shopping for an outfit. She used to like to stay a few days with a daughter and go to garage sales, etc. but now it is hard to talk her into go visiting at all. She likes playing cards and that's usually what her kids do with her once or twice a week.
The difference between my mom, who is also dependent on her children for social life, and your mom, is 1) there are more kids to share the task and 2) she never complains that she is lonely or bored. We never feel smothered. I guess another difference is that your mom's health would permit her to do more on her own if she really wanted to, although it is hard to know what fears and insecurities might be preventing her from doing more.
I don't think you can do anything about the first difference. There is only one of you. Maybe your visits and phone calls have to be a little more frequent than if you had sisters and brothers also visiting Mom.
I'm not sure you can change the second factor, either. If your mom is the complaining type, she has a lot legitimately to complain about. If good friends have died, she feels lonely. If she has no hobbies, she is probably bored. You can be very sympathetic. But you do not need to feel guilty. You didn't cause her problems.
I think you set some realistic boundaries, you do as much as you realistically can to provide breaks from her boredom, and then you just sympathize with her complaints, without feeling that they obligate you to do more than you want to. I think you'll know when you've hit the right level of socializing with your mom when you no longer feel smothered and you look forward to seeing her.
Good luck!