I have been the caregiver for my father-in-law for over two years. He is end stage stage copd and currently receives Hospice care at home.
To say he is a controlling man is an understatement. He is, at best,a difficult man and very stubborn about his medications or listening to the doctors/nurses/social workers.
I know everyone expierences dying differently. That's all I keep hearing. That it is his decission about end of life care. He has the final say so, etc., In my brain, I know this. I am a very logical person, so it is diifficult for me to even try to understand an irrational behavior, but I try my best.
It seems as if I keep getting mixed messages from his care team and to be honest, I am fed up! Don't get me wrong, for the most part they are angels and great people. But, I ask you, if every person expieneces dying differently, wouldn't that also apply to caregivers? That our type of caring style would be different from each other?
I was very honest with my father-in-law in the begiining of my choice to be caregiver. I told him that I am not a very affectionate person, but that I am caring. I told him that I am tough ( being raised by a srict military father ), so that I would push him to do the things that I felt he could do for himself. I told him that I am not one to do a lot of small talk and I also told him, that there would be some things pertaining to his care that I could not do, such as bathing, changing diapers, etc., On the other hand, I cook very good meals, do his laundry, run errands, take care of all medications, clean the house and take care of his fianances. I might also add, that last April he was given four months and that was almost a year ago.
So how do I cope? I vent. I listen to music. I write. I work in my garden. I pray.
My father-in-law, comes home from respite care today. Two days ago, he was already giving me orders over the phone. The Hospice nurse told me he was disrespectful and bossy, not to mention argumentative. I told her that was something I expierence everyday with him. I was happy that she went through that, so maybe now, they will get it.........that I am doing the best that I can in a difficult situation.
My main concern is my husband, who I love dearly and is the main reason I am taking care of his father. There is no one else. There are other kids who do not even visit him when they are in town and one son whom he has not seen in seven years.
Over the course of several months my husband has helped out more, but he works, so mostly it's just me.
The conversation I had with the social worker was to place my father-in-law in the care center for end of life care ( when the time comes ). Well, my fil wants to die at home. The problem is, just from knowing the man so well, I see problems with this. There is a crisis management team that can come in full time for three days. I just do not see my husband handeling this at all. So, my main concern is my husband.
So to make a long story short, we will see.If the team can deal with his noncomplaince issues with meds., then fine. I just see a different picture in the future. And I hate the thought of my husband seeing his father in agony in his final days. But, the social worker said that if the team could not get his symptoms under control, then he would be transfered to the care center.
It does not help, when my own therapist puts in her two cents worth too.
The situation is very different when the loved one is stubborn, noncomplaint and in denial. And he is also an alcoholic and I believe he has some mental illness going on ( he is a pathalogical liar ).
Regardless of the man's past, I do not want to see him suffer.
So I hope that you don't mind me giving some advice since I have walked in your shoes. First, is there another family member that can give you some time off or at least help?? What about your spouse? What about the hospice? There are some others out there who might be of some help to you so that you can a few days of respite. Don't be the martyr! Let someone give you some real time off. Caregiving is the hardest, unpaid work that I have ever done, but usually we caregivers don't help out because we liked to be taken advantage of. We have great compassion and see the real need to help out, especially family members. At this point, I don't think that you are going to change your father-in-laws attitide or personality. Pat yourself on the back at least 20 times a day, turn a deaf ear to your father-in-law's comments, and breathe and breathe. Just know that you are taking care of your father-in-law for all the right reasons and just maybe on his last days, he might just tell you thanks for all the love you have given him. People like you are what the world a great place to be! Thanks.
I commend you for accepting caregiver responsibility and doing the best you can. Nobody can ask more, neither can they tell you how to feel. Others may be able to make suggestions. People on this list do it all the time thank goodness. And they do it by sharing experiences that only a caregiver has. Just as you have done. It’s up to each of us to choose what ideas might be helpful. For me, the only logical approach to irrational behavior is to remind myself that's exactly what it is. I try not to be hurt by unkind words or actions, but after more than two years as a caregiver I still have to remind myself of that truth. In any event give yourself a hug. The work you are doing is invaluable. Where would your FIL be without it.
When I was caring for my parents, someone would make a comment or suggestion and I would hear it repeated in my head over and over, making me feel so inadequate and small. I think they were trying to be helpful, but they didn't know what I had tried, what my strengths were, what I had been through, how stubborn my parent was. I tried not to hold it against them because they were being helpful, but I did let it make me feel like I was not 'enough'.
Now that I look back, I have more clarity. Was I "perfect" no, but I was "me" and I did the best I could. We are thrown into a situation which we aren't trained for, we learn as we go. For most, it isn't our chosen profession. We do the best we can with what we are given.
Hugs to you!
How you act on those feelings in another matter. Sometimes professionals can give us good advice about that. You don't have to change how you feel about your FIL, but at least consider what Hospice has to suggest about what you do as a caregiver. They aren't always right about that, either, and you don't have to do as they say. But at least listen to it.
And now I am going to tell you how to feel. :) Feel proud that you have taken such good care of this very difficult man for as long as you have. Feel satisfied that you have done the best you could (and a whole lot better than many persons could) in an extremely challenging situation.
I have found that the gruffness is a cover for fear. Anger is the other side of fear and hurt. I hope you are able to come to terms before he passes:) All the best. xo