Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Good Morning Crew,

Glad to see everyone checking in with gripes, vents, rants and updates.

3 Part Rant:

Part 1:

I agree about the support which is why I come down hard on flybys that want to drop all those bs platitudes on us.

There are many places for those who believe in that stuff but one of those places is not here.

I believe that those of us who are going nuts or have gone nuts with this stuff need a safe place to say that 'mom just sh!t the sheets again and I am going to walk off my need to strangle someone right now' without someone chiding us because your mom is only 'acting like any 3 year old'.

You try changing the diapers on someone who is 165 pounds, has sh!t under their fingernails and all the while you are dealing with it with humor and patience they are clawing at you.

We all know it's a disease but if you spend more than a few years and take a Dementia patient all the way to the end you will pay a dear price. Just is and professionals need to understand that.

So, if I seem prickly sometimes please take in consideration that this thread has been here for almost 3 years, and was started out of my own frustrations after 5 years of operating in a vacuum because there was NO support.
My mom is dead 2 1/2 years and I have been through living hell, just like so many others.
In starting this thread I knew that I couldn't be the only one and now we, as a crew, have helped so many get through the toughest time in their lives.
In turn we have been helped by those same people as we all navigate this most difficult journey. Caregiving and the complicated grief that comes after.

Part 2:

Some are going to stay with us and continue to post and some aren't. No wrong decision here. This thread is here when someone needs to get on and Vent in order to stay alive. That is not a state of mind that someone will stay in forever, with any luck and some hard work.
Many of us continue to post during and after caregiving because we have made hard and fast friends and others will drift away as their lives take on new directions. Some feel the need to announce that they have been mistreated and then storm off and pout.
Hell, I've done that.
That is the course of human events.

But I come back because I believe in what we are doing and that is:
Protecting the Family Caregiver from a huge world who doesn't understand her (or him, but primarily Her) and doesn't help her.

So, whatever your personal experience with this thread is and whether you keep posting, or stop for awhile, stop altogether or attack me to shreds know this one
Very Important Thing:
My love for each and every one of you is Unconditional.

That's what Linda is referring to I believe. Not what I feel, but what the vibe of this thread has grown to be. Unconditional Love.
That won't stop us from giving each other or some drive by a hard time but the love is still there.
It also won't stop me from getting someone off the boat if they disrupt the peace often enough.

Still, we are the family that most of us just don't have so whatever you say or do, you will be forgiven, just like you guys forgive me and each other.
We are all a tolerant bunch but there are those who have crossed lines and it is what it is. They are always welcome to come back to this thread at any time and we would all be happy to see them but the same behavior will garner the same result.

Unconditional Love does not mean tolerating upsetting behavior.
It just means that when you are over it you are welcome home.

As for me getting attacked, and that has happened more than a few times at this point, I accept that when since I put myself out there, some people are going to take umbrage at my chutzpah.
Ultimately they can kiss my ass but I still love them.

Part 3:

We do a damn fine job of taking care of each other even though we all started out as strangers. Everybody's got their own vibe and that what makes this thread so cool.

Think about those who have been able to meet and hang out together.
All because of this thread and this site! That is pretty cool considering how many people on forums chat for years and never take that step.
My respect for those who have taken the bonds formed here to the next step.

Conclusion:

So, the next time I say something hard to a newbie who needs it, and I don't give a damn about the letters after their name, or the next time someone on the thread gets all strident, just think:
So What?

Welcome to the Grossed Out Thread. Home of Vent and Live.

Love all you guys way more than you'll ever know.

I have to go someone is standing on the dock.
lovbob

I know what you mean about mail in rx's so far I can still pick mine up -with our poor mail delivery I would not like to have to deal with mail ins.

ugh!!! I am not with it this morning!!! Must have gotten up to pee 6 times during the night and my legs were going crazy. Feel like I'm hung over. Need to get Mom up and off to daycare shortly.
Have to do phone battle with a mail in prescription company. I'll be out of my heart meds after today. New insurance and new company. Mailed the scripts out last month. Got 4 phone calls from them assuring me all was well and that I needed prior authorization for my acid reflux meds, but that would not hold up the rest of the order. I went online and there is no record of my order. I hate mail in companies. Always something to deal with.

Not able to let go of the Christmas movies. Happy endings are so nice. Don't want to watch the news or any more movies or shows about crime scenes and blood, guts and goory... Lalalalalala...
Feeling for you Kate Anne...that is life with dementia... feel free to come here and vent. As we all do. Just hoping for understanding and the feeling of not going through this alone. It is so hard... Day to day...some good...most are tough...
Was a beautiful weekend weatherwise her in Central NY. Almost 60 degrees here today! Got the Christmas lights down so they won't be ruined by ice and wind... Maybe they will work next Christmas! Gonna get cccoooolld this week!

Let's all take a deep breathe and know that we are here for eachother...all going through similar situations...Vent and live! Be understanding of eachother whatever our situations! Don't judge! Just be here for eachother!

Good night all! Mame

What is with this weather. Yesturday it was 57 degrees and right now it is 25 and heading down to 13. We have had only 9" of snow so far this year and we are supposed to have over 28" by now. Maybe the glowble warming is here. This just doesn't seem like mid Michigan to me right now. hugs to everyone tonight. No jokes neither sorry.
luvCuz

16 degrees here, fp out in living room moaning at the TV..He picked up napkin off the floor, to you know, save it...now we have to throw it out....what ever...

when?.....

Linda, my apologies. I just thought there was going to be another fued on the site and I just don't want to see that occur. We all hurt, mentally and physically. It is a tough job for everyone and I realize things get said and can be judgemental and hurtful. We all just need to help support one another.

yogibear - i am sorry about my commets , i was laughin cuz i have too said i wont be posting anymore and i always do come back and just like others did too .
we all know one to another and its like a friend u can never forget . i do hope bookworm comes back . i love reading her post .
i think the way i said it was cuz i had woke up from a bad dream ... horrible and i truely am prayng that it wont be me in future , i got lost and got turned around and i was the old old woman , i kept thinking where am i , how did i get here ? wheres my car ! i truely was lost and many people walked by me and kept going and here i am standing there crying and spinnin in circles !!! nobody cares . :( ,,,,
'i woke up and i was still freaked out about it . lord dont let that happen to me plz .

hope we all have a sweet dreams tnite . stay warm !! xoxo

Deb, did you work with race horses? How exciting. I used to ride colts for people, to get them started. Bucking and pitching didn't scare me. Now I'm much more cautious. I still start colts, but really take my time, do lots of ground work, so everything is much less exciting.
Deef, needle felting? Sounds fun, but I don't know what it is.
Cat, how is your granddaughter doing? North Dakota, BRRR
Bobbie, I hope the engine room doesn't give you too much trouble. Does it have a diesel engine? That is what I picture on a boat.
KateAnne, welcome to the group. I don't have much advice. Just starting to have to take care of my parents. I got on this group when my husband was sick and passed away last year. And, I'm still here hanging out.
Linda, I know what you mean about the weather. It teased me with 60 degrees 2 days ago, and barely got above 30 today. (OK it isn't North Dakota, Cat but I'm spoiled).
Jen how are you doing? , Cuz, thanks for the jokes.
Hope everyone has a good week. Shirley

Linda, why must you bring up the past about another poster. It's over it's done with, leave it alone. She has just as much right to post as you or anyone else does.

KateAnne!!! Been there still doing that after 7 years! Major hazard of dementia. Answer her once, then change the subject. Make a list of things you know will get her attention away from something she keeps repeating. You have to remember she is very confused and scared and has no idea what is causing this to happen. My grand father went through this over 20 years ago and Mom and I took care of him. At the time, very little was known about how to deal with dementia patients. So when he would ask where his wife was, we would tell him she was dead. well, that would start him crying and cursing and just plain make him mad because we never told him she died. You see, we didn't know that we were making him relive the death of hid wife numerous times a day, as he would ask about her every hour and then forget what we told him. It was very sad to watch, but we didn't know what else to do.
Now that Mom is the same way, I know not to talk about death and loved ones in the past tense. If she asks when my dad is coming home (been dead for 31 years), I tell her soon.She usually forgets right after that.
Redirecting a person with dementia is the best tool I have learned. they are easily distracted and will usually forget the subject they are stuck on when you turn their focus to something else. Mom is late stage and can do very little for herself. She can't even focus long enough to feed herself and it takes me sometimes an hour just to feed her a meal. If she is talkative, she doesn't make much sense at all. The wrong words come out for everything. So I just make comments like "oh yeh?', Really!, or uh huh! As long as they think you are listening, they calm down.
I need to read your profile to see where exactly you are with care giving in order to make more suggestions, but feel free to vent here as we are all in the same boat! A lot of us have been here for along time and know the ropes and would be glad to help you out!
Cat, NE is the place to be this winter again! Most of our snow has now melted, but we never got the sun they promised today. Dense fog here the whole weekend!
Breathe Bobbie!!!! Engine room? get that baby purring so you can take me for a cruise in a couple months!
Walked 2 1/2 miles on the treadmill this afternoon, then cooked stir fry and ate way too much!!!
Mom starts 4 days at daycare this week. She'll have Wednesdays off, so she should be okay with the extra day. I'll just get her to nap when we get home every day.
My older sister sent me a X-mas check with the stipulation that I use it for myself. So I signed up for a needle felting class at Webbs yarn store. Of course you know the rest of the $$ will be used for bills! Sorry sis!
Got a mess to clean up in the kitchen and a few other things to do. Tomorrow is trash pick up, so I need to get rid of all the junk from Mom's closet.

tell her its midnight and its bedtime ! give her a book or pink hair rollers , pen paper . un match socks and tell her to find a match , my mil is the same way ,, REPEATIN ALL TIMES ...

family--- . i am glad bobbie posted about the toothbrush , cuz it was an eye opener for me . i hide my toothbrush then .. it is not begin bad mouthing about our elders . its a learning experiance and a warning ! thank u bobbie lou ...

rainin and cold out , yesterday and day before it was like spring !!! ohh i was in paradise ! now its blah out and cold again . sniff waaaa .

saw bookworm says she wont be posting over this end anymore . what the hell did u guys do to her LOL . laughin my ass off .

love you all xoxo

Tonight I think I am losing my mind. Again. How many times do you answer the question? How long do you continue the same conversation around and around and around, usually nothing but nonsense but she gets angry if I am so rude as to not answer. She thinks I took money off her desk. She thinks I took her purse. Do I sing the same thing every morning...what?? Today and tonight my spouse is in his shop, blissfully isolated from all this. Will someone just hit me over the head with a board and make it all stop!!!

Thanks Cat and thanks all,

He's better thanks everyone and no, he's not considering that. Tried. Anxiety is a pain for all concerned to be sure. I think we've all been there. Thanks for being here for me you guys.

Sorry familycounsel for being so abrupt. We all have our issues.
Aftermath is mine.

Engine Room work today.

lovbob

Hi everyone:

We had some snow the other day; just an inch or two. It hasn't been too cold, low 30's-high 20's. My granddaughter, Amanda, is dealing with minus 20 (with windchill) in North Dakota, so I'll count my blessings.

Bobbie: I'm truly sorry the boat angel is causing you pain. Maybe he would consider speaking with a therapist about his feelings, illness and panic attacks. Sounds like you get the brunt of his anxieties. Take care of yourself. I hope for your happiness always.

I have to go now. Someone at the door. Cat

Thanks for the laugh Cuz!

Jen-I totally agree with your comment about weekends! They are no different than any other day for all of us! Same with Holidays-and no one gets it!

Stormy-you wrote about feeling guilty and having thoughts of wishing for an end to this... I think most of us have felt that way. I know I have. Some mornings, I wake up and listen to the monitor to hear her breathe...and when I do-well, suffice it to say-I am not always happy to hear it! I know I will be sad when she is gone, and that I will feel guilty for the thoughts I have sometimes. But I admit, I am tired...of all of this. And when I am physically tired-the feelings are worse and constant. So, I try to sleep when I can...eat right and pray that God will give me the strength to care for her as long as she needs me...and that maybe I can be happy about it? HaHa... I think mom would even understand the feelings if I could talk to her about it...but I would never tell her...even tho she would forget in two minutes! I could never hurt her. I totally love her...I guess I just want a life of my own. I don't think anyone could blame us for that. Do what you can to have the life you deserve with Connor...even if it means having a "stranger" come in and help out-demand it for the good of your family. Your dad and sister will get used to it. Connor needs and deserves you! Fight for what you need.
Bobbie-I hope everything is alright witht he boat angel. You sure don't need the drama. Thanks for always being here for all of us!
Deef, Flex, lildeb, meanwhile, Miz, Lucy, Cat and Cat, Austin, Kuli, Judy, Miss, Cricket and everyone else out there-have a decent day! Mame

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

START YOUR DAY OFF WITH A SMILE. HEAVEN KNOWS WE NEED IT.

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the “Idiot” category.

Have a great Day.
Laugh, and then laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's not.

Family, looks like you know your stuff when it comes to financial, insurance and facility issues. I think you can be very helpful here to answer any questions we have about legal issues, POA issues, etc.
I'm the second eldest of 7 children and have been caring for my mom 24/7 for 5 years now. She is total care due to Parkinsons and advanced dementia. Taking care of her is nothing like taking care of a child. Children learn and grow from their mistakes and experiences. People with alz. and dementia don't get better, smarter or learn common sense like a child. They forget everything they ever knew, including the basics like eating and time and yes, even breathing. I have raised and helped raise many children, and taking care of Mom the last 5 years, in no way resembles caring for a child. You are not the first person I have explained this to, and you won't be the last. No insult intended, just stating my feelings on the matter. Welcome to this thread and I hope you are not insulted by our comments to you and will continue to help everyone here with your vast knowledge of elder care issues.
Deb, Sounds like you have MIL under control. Mom had an issue with her last UTI and needed to have a different antibiotic to knock out the infection.
Diane, maybe it's a good thing your mom wants to sleep more. Might be a good idea to catch a nap while she is sleeping!
I did get one closet gutted today and back together. I also got the new organizer shelving unit built and into my craft room. Now I need to clean the boxes of stuff off my bed so I have a place to sleep tonight! Tomorrow I have to get through boxes of paperwork and junk and get it out for trash pickup on Monday.
As I emptied Mom's closet, I found a box way in the back on the floor. It had my grandfather's (Mom's dad) discharge papers form the army when he served in WWI! My father's uncle's discharge papers were also in the envelope. They were from WWII and had a letter of appreciation for hid service signed by President Harry S. Truman!!!
I also found my dad's draft card, and transfer papers to Panama at the end of WWII and his discharge papers! Amazing stuff! I need to copy all of my great uncle's paperwork and then call my father's last living brother and give him his uncles things.
I have no idea why Mom would have those things buried at the back of the closet. My closest bet is she did it after the dementia had already started and she had some strange ulterior motive for what she did.
Let's just say I could have gotten a lot more done if I hadn't spent half the day reminiscing and looking at all the picture and documents.
Jen, I found lots of books that I have read. I will let you know what authors, etc. and if you like, I can send some to you. Sorry it's so cold there. been foggy and misting all day here.
Okay, need to make room on the bed for me. I'm fading fast!!

Out of hear on this. Lot of misunderstanding going and a lot of judging. I have done my 24/7/365. Several years of it. all history now. Good luck to you all.

Still cold here, same old....

I don't even respond to it, it just doesn't bother me anymore, it is someone else life and perspective. I can understand it. I just don't connect it to me.

Hope everyone is having an OK weekend, like "weekend" means anything...

Bobbie, if u weren't a little nutty then u wouldn't fit in. Sorry you r having so much drama too. I hope u r able to get some rest.

Familycouncil, I think a lot of us have already gave it some thought about, what will happen to us if that day ever comes. Some days may be all roses but not all of them. We all know that, this is a very hard disease to deal with for r love ones. That sometimes it may be challenging n that sometimes it can be extremely challenging minute-by-minuet. All we can do is educate as much as possible, learned as we go, seek respite care when one can afford to do so, seek assistance and outside help n to be as passionate as possible when the person with such illness will allow it! And pray like crazy we never get this illness!

Today the mil is still complaining n I wished she had got that damn test done so we know what to do for her! But that is the past so must try n move forward. The mil still seems the same n if by Monday the antibiotics haven't done any better for her I am going to try n get her to her Gyn dr n see if she still has this bladder infection or something else. Right now its only been 4 days since she has been on the new antibiotics n 2 days before that on the ones that were too strong for her. Total of 6 days so I am hoping it just that the antibiotics haven't kicked in yet.
Hopefully, by Wed, she will do the test so we can make sure about the other problem. I got her to drink her water n gave her some more dried cranberries for I look at all the Cranberry juices n even ocean spray had some other stuff in it like pear n apple juice n this is suppose to be pure 100% Cranberry juice? I also got her to finally drink at least one glass of ginger ale for it's got to be good for her I think? Gave her another Tylenol for her regular physician don't won't her taking too many other OTC drugs n she is already taking a baby aspirin daily along with her regular meds. I have tried talking to the mil as well n I think she understood as much as expected for she only has moderate Alz. Don't know anything else I could be doing different. Any suggestion throw them out for I am all ears.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend as much as possible.

Deef, I forgot to reply to your question. Mom does not have a UTI so the doctor is simply saying the disease is progressing and causing the mean behaviors and wanting to sleep more. Enjoy the "Spring" weather this weekend. Closets can wait until you are stuck inside again.

OBMF just doesn't have the same ring as OBMAJ......the oldies will understand

Familycouncil, I read your profile and give you credit for defending the elderly in your various capacities. It did not appear that you have been a 24/7/365 primary caregiver yourself. If you have, then be very thankful you had a very different experience than we have. Most of us on this thread (some since 2010) have sacrificed our lives, careers, personal relationships and finances for the person we are caring for 24/7. If you have not been a primary caregiver 24/7/365, please refrain from judging. If you are just begining in the role of primary caregiver, you have much to learn.

I do wish you much sucess with you desire to covert a LTC facility for homeless vets. It's a wonderful idea, but unfortunately so many of our homeless do not want to be confined by walls for various reasons. No matter how much you try to help, they return to the streets. Providing any assistance is an admirable endeavor.

So Familycouncil, if you feel you must judge, please "educate" yourself on all that we have been through already on this thread. You have lots of reading with 25,875 posts over 2 years. Based on your profile I believe you could provide information of great value to many that post on this thread and many more an AC, but please have some compassion.

And to the rest of the crew LOVE YA!!!!!

Woah, family council, I call "SUX as you so educatedly state" as being sarcastic. Bobbie knows a GREAT deal about care giving. If you were to read this thread I think you would have a better understanding of what we are all about. You would probably fit right in here. But giving Bobbie grief for venting about something her mother did many years ago is not cool. Bobbie lost her mom and so did I along with so many others that have lost loved ones on this thread. 3 year olds grow up. Our parents don't. It is nothing like raising a child.

Ya, familycouncil. We get that it's all part of it. Bobbie was just venting and it started this awesome thread that many have been on for years. :))

your comment received , however spending 2 yrs with MIL dementia and 25 years not just in LTC facilities, I suppose I have learned a few things, some that don't SUX as you so educatedly state. You missed my point or I missed yours. this isnt the forum for debates or sarcastic remarks.

Good Morning Crew,

thanks Miz and yes it sux. What I have figured out between last night and now is that he has panic attacks and that ramps up the drama big time. All is calm on the boat right now and I hope it stays that way.

Hey there 'family counsel', you sound like someone who has never done this job and have no idea what a 24/7/365 family caregiver goes through so you might want to consider that.
Consider 24/7/365 for a minute. Not visiting some old person for an hour and thinking you've got this. Because you don't.

And it has nothing to do with what a 3 year old would do. That's the lamest comment anyone can make.

The people here stuck with this task just roll their eyes and shake their heads when newbies say stuff like that.

Bet you are new to the site, so welcome, but if you are here to learn how to be a caregiver and what skills you need to cope with that, keep reading and you will learn.
Right now you have no idea. Trust me on that.

lovbob

Yes, to see is repulsive, however, remember you to , someday, may be the one using your childrens toothbrush, or doing unthinkable things, nothing different that what a 3 year old would do. Pray that I to may never be in that state of mind.

Bobbie, I so hate that when men say they are going to leave. To me it's not an option in a relationship. You are right. Too much drama. Men gotta understand that at least one person that we loved has already left us. It hurts too much.