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Sorry for typos! On my phone!
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Amen Jen!!
Everything you said sums it all up! Good to see new people grousing here. This topic started by Bobbie has been a lifesaver for many caregivers for over 6 years now. Great pkace to vent, compkain, get advice, and meet lifelong friends!!
God it's cold here in central Mass.!! Minus 10 this morning! Been a warm winter for us, so this is brutal!
Hand in there and be kind to yourselves, please.
Love Deef!!
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My theory is that as we age our focus becomes very very narrow and we are less connected to the world around us. The life contracts from global to city wide to home only to family to the self and then that tied with the fear of death creates a bodily function based area of interest. And face it, when the intake and out flow bits on the body stop working it is all over. Even at a young age we know the misery of mis-firing bowels. Who doesn't get religion when having diarrhea that feels like you rectum has become and conduit for acid, or constipation that makes you doubt the value of life it self?
The fact that it becomes topic of dinner table discussion is a lessening of boundaries in old people who ARE really taking that trip back to childhood. Or passive aggressive in the ones who know exactly what they are doing.

And face it, if you are "under care" or "giving care", or "in care", the bodily functions of the object of are going to be paramount. The commercials for elder care services are replete with "And how are you feeling to day?" "Would you like to do such and what?" "Do you remember this and so..?" But in reality most care givers, doctors nurses etc are asking, "Have you moved your bowels in a week do you have any sores that won't heal, what is this new bruise from and am I gonna get a call from APS? (Adult Protective Services)

Does it make it less gross? Or less annoying to know this on the five hundredth hearing of the "I did a snake about that long (holds up hands ten inches apart) in the toilet this mornin." Or " I can't smell it, I don't know what your talking about. It is just a little damp, I let it air on the radiator overnight..." No, really...

Welcome to the club no body wants to be a member of. Watching loved ones fade. Minus the abuse of my background that made dealing with my grandfather puke inducing, I am beginning to see, and smell some of the same issues with my mother (68, who I'd be homeless or dead without). So no I will know the true sadness of watching a loved one suffer the early indignities of aging and bodily "failure". At least there is no chance of over do. I am simply not capable of care giving on my own, so she will get better help sooner than G who lived with us just TOO TOO LONG!
What have we learned so far?
Wash hands often.
Assume they never wash anything, EVER! Trust me, it will save you pain, the ick factor and food poisoning.
It can be cured, only endured.
It may make death appear more reasonable, aside from just inevitable.
It can be live style ending expensive.
It can worsen poor family relations or sour good ones forever.
It will hurt just as bad to have to "send them away".
It is not like raising a child or caring for a baby no matter what they tells you!
You may may some good friends along the way.
You may go broke. They may go broke.
You may lose your mind. You may find peace.
You may blame and beat yourself up for not doing everything perfectly!
You will be tired a lot.
You may lose other relationships along the way.
You may go first.
You can only do your best, and at some point you really do have to let go.
What ever you do, what ever stage of care giving you are at. Be kind to your self, as kind to yourself as you are or you wish to be to the one in your care. None of this was going to be easy, and how ever you feel about it: Care giving as duty, obligation, choice, necessity, act of love, or even bullied and abandoned into it by others, it is a hard row to hoe so to speak. give yourself a break and ask for help every chance you get. You do not have to do it all alone.

Hmnn this right by the any one else hate the too long a post posts here..Oh jeeze bud, no one said you had to read the damn posts... Jen
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Great-aunt Y had a thing where she would cut up her diapers. Some of them she'd just cut up, others she'd cut into butterfly shapes (she is/was obsessed with butterflies). The other day I go into her room and find, not just clean diapers cut up, but two used ones saved by her chair, and several cut up pieces nearby that don't look clean. Agghh. I knew it would come to this.
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Maybe the elderly feel that mealtimes are the only time they have everybody's attention to discuss what is on their mind. Trips to the bathroom, loosing stuff and not being allowed to do whatever they want seems to be top of the list.
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I know, right! 😳😣
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FILCaregiver - seems to be phase all oldies go through, bowel obsession. When Mom was in her mid to late 90's every conversation began with a report of either diarrhea or constipation, sometimes claiming both within the hour! Not a great topic to discuss at meals!
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Oh, forgot to mention that he has to discuss his BMs practically every time he's at the table eating. I do need to lose weight, so having my appetite spoiled won't hurt me much! LOL
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Ive been feeling really bad because I cannot stand to watch or even hear my FIL eat. He refuses to wear his false teeth or hearing aid, and he slurps and smacks so loud--it is like fingernails on a chalkboard! The last time we took him out to eat (and the last) he asked for blueberry pie, and besides getting it all over him, the table and the floor--he LICKED THE PLATE. Literally!!! Not just a little lick either, it was tongue stuck out, and slurping loudly licks!!! My husband was embarassed, but it was the best laugh I had all day, that day.
He also grosses me out because he refuses to get up to pee at night, or use a urinal (he does use the bathroom during the day; there is no medical reason for him wetting himself), and despite a TENA diaper, depends pads and a vinyl overpant (all at the same time), he soaks his clothes and the bed pads EVERY night. He told his PT (visiting nurse) that all I had to do was wash a couple loads of laundry everyday-"what's the big deal." This same man refuses to flush the toilet because it wastes water!!! OMG!!! I'm constantly sprying febreeze and lysol all over the bathroom and bedroom. #LaughtoKeepFromCrying
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Everything at once! Hope it evens out there para!
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One grandson with strep, one grandson in hospital with pneumonia, son is so sick with flu he can't get to hospital or around kids. Got dad calling about being panicked over $25.92 that he has to pay for phone bill, husband had heart procedure this morning, leaving hospital get a call from mom's facility that she has big gash on arm and bleeding. Exhausted. Nite all
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God cuz, I think I would kill myself over that too. I am so sorry for her pain and no one can understand the place she was in after being used and tortured like that! What is seriously wrong with people. O.K. today, regular shopping and Mom updated me on the "Care Conference" for her father. He is not dead, but he needs a Hoya lift to get him on and off toilet. No strength in legs anymore. Period...?Who knows...Why would you want to end up like that?
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Come get on this here boat Jen!

Cuz! Good one! Haven't heard that one and will be repeating it haha.

lovbob
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this is funny

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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Jen, you know that I will give you all my boat time from the last 5 or 6 years I'm been around here. And it won't just be a charity gift, it comes from the heart. If any one needs it it is you. If you can get rid of the negative thoughts because I don't want you to do what a friend of mine did quite a few years ago. She would have been 67 but didn't get past 19 because of being gang raped and just couldn't deal with it. Their were 20 of them and just her over a period of three days non-stop. I haven't talked about this for over 48 years and it still bothers the heck out of me. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel so please reach out and stretch for it ok? Hugs your way.
luvCuz
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Got my water wings...wait, those are my arms...Don't care. Permission to come on board Captain?!
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Oh…and

Jen!! BoatTime!!
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All ok here, just parking boats haha.

Jen!
Suicidally depressed!?! Don't do it! Hang in there! It's a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem! All the other cliches about Dorothy Parker's Muse!
Read the rags at the checkout counter! You'll find another Celebrity Infatuation!

Glad you are writing another story and I hope you have a blast doing it. I look forward to hopefully reading it.
And you are not a drag. Anyone who's communicated with you knows better.
You might grouse but your grousing is authentic and truthful. And funny.
If you said something untoward to your pen pal, just own it and be honest with your feelings. You're an artist. Stuff happens.

Pargirl!
LPGA, eh? Love it.
Lot to be said for a Pipe Dream.
Is there a LPGA camp? That would be significant!

My mom played golf and did fairly well. After I began to take care of her I took her to a Put Put, which I suck at, and she not only beat my socks off but made snide comments the whole time as well. In addition she used all the golf terminology as we moved through the game and handled the scorecards with that little pencil.
It was hilarious.

CUZ!

DEEF!

Meanwhile!
That is a lot of crazy that you and your sisters are navigating.
Wear you out. I couldn't imagine doing it again.

Love the drop off of meals. I've been putting a ziti or something with the man over here when he goes down to see his folks.
He says it's just crazy there but they are getting more help bit by bit.

He's worked so hard he is now in bed for the second day from the flu. He said he's only been sick like this maybe 3 other times in his life.

Candle. Both Ends Burning Syndrome.
He is learning about caregiving and what it can do to you.

He's so sick and I don't want to get it. Earlier I walked in there and said:
Go sit in the corner. He said, Why?
Gonna feed you with a Slingshot.

I made him a good chicken soup.

So that means Meanwhile! you gotta take care of yourself.
Working and doing too much land you in bed wiped out.

When I was caregiving I actually believed that I wasn't going to live through it.

All you guys take care of yourselves.

lovbob
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bobbie, I keep waiting for the LPGA to call. I think that ship has sailed. :))) Name is a pipedream. :)
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Eh so so. Suicidally depressed. My celebrity infatuation will probably get married soon. Don't ya hate that!?

Anyhow. I am such a drag....I have made my 80 year old pen pal feel bad. We are both survivors and met through an incest support group, know her for like ten or eleven years. Anyhow, her brother just died, bad relationship, jerk, glad he's gone, but she felt bad becasue he went into nursing care like last month and JUST DIED, and she has been in on all the fp drama for a decade and praying for him to pass and commiseration with me that the 94 year old pervert won't JUST GO ALREADY! And so she opened her letter sort of apologizing that her 82 year old brother died and she doesn't have to deal with his crap but fp is still alive, and if not so well.....alive...
Gah, anything is better now that FP is NOT HERE!!! Yes it is a misery but nothing like the last ten years minus one!!! Broke sure, indigent, maybe end up on the streets? Sure, As long as I am not wiping his feces up off the furniture and dealing with his perverse looks. O.K. still the looks, on the rare occasions I submit to a visit with Mom. Feces NOT my problem anymore!

Bad depression hate this damn anti depressant! I am writing another story, looking more short story than novel but who knows. Urban Fantasy. Good and Evil variety, teenager base. I'll send the title and synopsis privately.
How are things East Side?
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oy!

Good to see you Meanwhile.

Jen! how are you doing?
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Mom and stepdad still holding their own for now, well for the most part. My twin sister and I take food up every couple of days. They can still warm up leftovers on their own. Try to clean the house up once a week. Although my stepdad has taken over dish washing and laundry. It wouldn't be so bad if my sister and I didn't work full-time. Like you said, it doesn't leave much spare time for taking care of yourself. What worries me is, that their needs will keep getting worse.
My youngest sister (who hasn't even been back for a visit in over 6 years), is now having to look after her mother-in-law. Still, I feel sorry for her. It sounds like a worse mess. The mother-in-law is having seizures, and a daughter is making things as difficult as possible.
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pargirl, ya I remember stuff I did BC (before caregiving) and After Caregiving and man has that list gotten short!

I always appreciated golf but never played for any length of time.
If you're ParGirl, JeezeLouise you must have been good!

Beautiful sunrise this morning.

lovbob
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Cuz.....I'm not sure about you. We might be talking about you some day. :)))) Yes, bobbie, I used to play a lot but don't so much anymore. Too much going on and too many people need taken care of. :)
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Good one Cuz!
How is everybody doing?
Been a working fool here with the changeover of owners but at least I still have a job!

Cool out but sunny. Very High tides and fast currents with the new moon coming on Tuesday. Just coming off a high tide now and it is running like crazy but will be higher and faster every day through about Wednesday.

DEEF! You are the worker! hope all turns out well for your fil and hey! How much snow is on that garden?
Love Deef's garden.
Love to everyone Deef.

Jen! how is it all going? FP still here? Oy.
How's your mom and how is JEN?

pargirl!
nothing like the smell of barf in the morning or anytime.
If one person pukes on a boat, the whole boat is a mess.
Puke over the side!

Hey pargirl, is your name because you like to play golf?

Meanwhile! Kuli! SelfishSiblings! Veronica! Gladimhere!
Everybody!
Vent and Live!

The Boat Angel is driving back and forth like crazy for doctors' appointments etc etc and is beginning realize that going to a neurologist 4-5 times for Dementia doesn't do a bit of good for patient or caregiver.

For some reason they keep jacking the meds around instead of just getting the step-dad on Aricept and/or Namenda or whatever is working these days for cognitive issues.
Another we're going to live forever no matter what scenario. Right Jen?
*sigh*

lovbob
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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER! '
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Hi Deef! Hope you get a break in somewhere! You may have to hide.
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Deefer.....I know about that &%#@ fan! :)) Get my dad settled, mom is in no danger but I've been trying to get over whatever the heck this evil thing is that I have and then I have first grand kid throwing up from strep, think I'm in the clear and dang it if the other one 3 days later starts with the same thing. Geez....105, faculties or not PLEASE JUST SHOOT ME!!! Don't want my son to go through any of this. Sorry to be a downer but throw up will do that to you. Good Luck and God Bless every one.....
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Sorry for the losses Cuz.
Bobbie!!!! Priceless as usual!!
Jen, still too funny!
Deep in the trenches here again!! Fil being transferred to rehab this afternoon after a 3 day hospital stay. Needed a transfusion to perk him up. Was weak and having trouble getting around. He's 105 and still has all his faculties. My husband didn't discuss him going to rehab, so I'm sure he's having quite the conversation with his dad right now!!
He wanted me to go for moral support, as his sister is in Florida right now. I said sorry, doing his laundry so you can take it wirh you this afternoon!
Going for my weekly visit with B tomorrow, then will head over to visit fil 40 minutes away.
Just when i finally learn to say NO to family, neighbors and friends and try to get my life back, the sh!t hits tge fan again!
I check posts every couple days when I have a minute, but have trouble finding time to respond. Hoping things will get easier soon, so I can start catching up with everyone again.
In the meantime know that I'm thinking of everyone here!!
Love Deef!
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Prayers to you, your wife and your neighbors family. Loss is tough and leaves a void. So glad she went quickly. 57, that's so young. God Bless
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