Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Cuz, sorry to hear your brother is in the hospital. Sounds rough. I'll keep Mike in my prayers.

Talked to Cuz on the horn for about an hour. Worried about Mike.

Was good to talk to you Cuz.

I hope everyone is doing the best they can with what they have to deal with.

Shoutouts to all.

lovbob

Prayers going out for Mike Cuz!

bobbie Mike is in the hospital because he has so much excess fluids (water) in his system that it is choking off the heart. They are going to drain out the water and hopefully he will be down to his normal weight. He was 240# but after all his bypass and open heart surgeries he is up over 315#. Seeing he can hardly walk he has not been able to exercise and that is not helping neither. I will update everyone as I find out what's all taking place. Hopefully you are feeling better and ready to party again. Hugs to you, love you cuz.
Glad your starting to feel better Jen. Hugs to you also.
luvCuz

Thank you all so much! I appreciate all your kind words! We put the funeral off till Saturday so everyone could get here. It think it will be beautiful and we will giver her a wonderful send off!! Thank you again!

Mame I am so sorry about your mom, I an glad you could be there with her and her suffering is over. Take good care of yourself there, I am thinking of you here and praying you and your family are doing OK there...Love, Jen

Dear Mame, I am so sad to hear about your mother's passing. Be comforted in the fact that you enriched her life with your care and love. I know you will shed many tears before you can think of her without crying and just think of how she made you the woman you are today and also all the other lives she touched over the years. As you know, our loved ones never really leave us; they remain always in our hearts. Wishing you well.

Gabrielle, always good to get a new perspective on caregiving. Some of us have been here with Bobbie for years! Some move on and some of us return time and again when we need to vent or get support from good friends that we met on this thread.
We all cope in our own ways and need to hear other caregiver's stories. Somehow it helps us keep our sanity and lets us know we are not alone in this!
Thanks for a great post!

Mame, so sorry to hear you mom has passed! You always went above and beyond for her, so now it's time for you to get your life back. Get through the next few days as best you can. Then take the time you need to feel comfortable moving ahead with your life! I'm sure your mom is smiling down at you for everything you did for her all these years.
I'll be thinking of you!
Deef

Mame, so sorry for your loss. Hope you can cherish the good memories, It's always an adjustment losing someone close.

mame so sorry mom has passed, she will leave a big hole in your life but it would not have been kind to expect her to struggle any longer. so pleased to hear that family is so supportive. Blessings to you are your family.

Mame so sorry for your loss. She is now in a better place thanking you for all you have done for her. Prayer are out for you and your family. Hugs to you also.
luvCuz

Hi all. Just want to let you know that mom died today. I am a little surprised, but not too surprised. Several of us were with her when she passed and I am so thankful I was there. It was amazing. I am happy she will no longer suffer with her breathing...it was so hard to watch over the last couple weeks. I was blessed with a wonderful mom who was always a sweetheart. Fifteen years I have cared for her-10 here in my home and this last year in the NH. Some of the nurses were so sweet-coming in when their shift ended and saying goodbye, knowing that when they came in tomorrow she would be gone... Tears. She was loved and she knew it! She was very aware....it was so interesting to witness. Her poor room mate was so distraught! I will have to go visit her from time to time...they were good friends...even in their dementia! I am a bit in shock... but ok. Family is rallying around and telling me I am a hero for keeping her alive the last 15 years! Wonderful to hear. Funeral arrangements to follow... Life will be different! Thanks for always being here for me! Mame

Oh, yes, welcome Gabrielle, and Jen is right, very good post.

Your mom sounds like my grandmother. If you said go, she didn't ask where, she was in the car. She would go with my dad to the hardware store. But, I can't get my mother out of the house (unless she just has to go for a doctor appointment). I've just given up trying to get her to do any exercise, or do anything. She just wants to sit and complain.

Thank you for reading it. I have enormous amount of respect for those who have chosen to be caregivers. Unfortunately, this decision in very many cases is driven by the fact that compassionate care at an affordable price is without question, unavailable .....

Nice post.

As I read many of these posts, I realize that I'm really quite fortunate with my soon to be 88 year old mother who lives with us. She still manages to take care of her hygiene needs, although she does ask me if she has taken a shower or brushed her teeth. I do check on her when she takes a shower to make sure the water is not too hot . When she asks if she has brushed her teeth, sometimes I say she hasn't because I think to myself, a second quick brush is probably a good idea since older folks are not that thorough anymore. So, for the time being she is quite agreeable and is more concerned that she doesn't do something wrong and embarrass me or herself. As I watch my mom struggle with many things lately, I always remember that basically, we all want to be treated with dignity. Helping our parent continue as best as possible to manage their daily life is for so many an exercise in frustration and often times guilt. Each day I focus on making my mom's life as pleasant as possible. I used to get annoyed when I would want to runaway few errands by myself and she would say " I'll come with you". Now I realize, it is because she loves to ride in the car with me. The destination is not important. Each caregiver has a different story and unique relationship with their parent or spouse and so many of us feel as though our lives have been put on hold . To have strong feelings about that is normal and talking about your own experiences and solutions is very beneficial for sure. And I think it is important that we support each other and not judge because we are all , for the most time muddling through with no blueprint on how it should all work. My advice to myself and others is simple: Don't beat yourself up if you get frustrated. Go into a quite space, listen to some soothing music and remember the good in your life. Prepare healthy meals with lots of fruit and veggies. Drink water and lots of it and encourage person you care for to drink water. The elderly are often dehydrated which can cause all kinds of issues!!! Take 10 minutes. ( more if possible ) to move your body...... Hell, it doesn't matter what you do, just move,,,if possible, help your parent/spouse move too .. I give my mom a manicure .no polish, just trim nails and buff them and she enjoys that and we both feel better afterward. Some men enjoy that too. Touch is so important. I also believe I the power of music. If you have PANDORA on your cell or PC downloaded I would recommend setting up a station with any one of the following names; Deuter .. Calm meditation .. Gandalf...Michael Hoppe. I enjoy all these musicians because of their soothing melodies. Also, listen or watch comedy. Works for me I guess the most important thing you can do is not to lose yourself in the process of caregiving. If a friend offers a short respite from your caregiving responsibilities, take her up on it.
I read some time ago, research was done on the effect of smiling in the human body. Researchers discovered that even if you fake a smile, the body releases the feel good hormone. Although I have always been a smiley person, I have found myself faking it more and more lately. But hey, whatever it takes to get you through the day works for me.
So, while we all do what we can to get through each day , keeping our sanity and emotions in check, let's treat ourselves with kindness too. We all deserve that.....
I'M NOT AFRAID OF DYING, I JUST DONT WANT TO BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS .( Woody Allen )
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

Mame, I am sorry to hear that. My aunt felt the same way, the sound was so hard to hear, but it is nothing that is really fixable...
Mom up visiting him now...I have windows open again...FOREVER!
Another week...but things are getting better...Talked the phy. therapist told them to stop stretching his legs out, it hurts it will NOT help and he got so upset he told us about it 7 times and started crying...How is THAT helpful. Keep him mobile as possible, but his knees don't DO straight!
Have a safe, sane, NON SNOWY weekend everyone...Jen

Hi All!
Jen-so happy FP is at the home! And that the smell is gone! Hooray!
Deef-and pargirl-so many of your points abt the NH are things I too have experienced. It has been tough cause we got mom in right after the sale of the NH from County owned to Privately owned. There are still a lot of things that need to be taken care of-but some things you just have set aside... choose your battles... And like I mentioned, just as we really seemed to be settling into a good routine, mom's main aide quit! She was wonderful to mom. As the weeks have gone by, the temp aides are getting to know her and it is working out just fine. They do seem to love my mom!
Mom has had a flair up of her Congestive Heart Failure. I didn't think any amt of Lasix was going to help this time. It is the worst watching her cough and gasp... But, she seems to be getting better! It has been a long 2 weeks though! The Nurse Practitioner told me yesterday that her lungs sound better! Her body is getting tired though and worn out...so I guess anything can still happen. I will just be happy if the coughing fits stop as she is in such distress!
Happy for the warmer weather her in CNY! Snow is melting! Kids are home on spring break this week. They are going to go up and visit mom with me today.

Hello to everyone and hoping for the best for all of you! Mame

Yay Jen, It's been a long time coming.
So happy you are doing something other than listening and coping with FP.

DEEF! Great Post!
LINDA!

Pargirl!

Austin, Meanwhile, Cuz, Mame, Juju, Kuli and everybody, I hope you all are doing the best you can with what you have to deal with.

Another Dr appt tomorrow. Working my way through this the best I can.
At least I am getting help!

lovbob

Was a good day today, went and visited and they had a book selling shop set up in the lounge area so we went in and got him a book on Washington. Any day that involves new books is a good day in my book! Then I washed the car. It was filthy. Boston soon! The snow will melt and Spring will come there too! Jen

To deefer12.....I agree with the staff turnover and huge corporation thing. Mom's was bought out by an even bigger company but luckily the staff is still there. Some were let go do to a lot of the families were afraid their loved ones were not being taken care of properly since a lot had been let go or that the facility was going to close. This facility had been open for years and had a great reputation. When my mom first went there I loved it. Everyone from people in front office to head nurse and some of the aides had a loved one that they had had to deal with. About a year ago I started noticing the staff was dwindling and didn't know exactly why. then I found out the company had been bought out. It makes me sad that such a good, long standing facility is going down hill but supposedly the new one is making a lot of good changes. My mom's hospice nurse has assured me everything is still good and her needs are being met. She also told me that it would be a big mistake to move her at this time since she is still aware of her aides....knows them and responds to them. So, for the time being, I visit at different times to check on her to make sure her needs are holding true and that she is in the best place possible. I made many visits to different facilities in the Dallas area and this one won my heart for my mom. Like I have said before, it's been 5 years and still going. My heart goes out to you deefer 12. I only lived with my mom and dad for 6 mos. 24/7 and then I knew something had to be done. My husband was VERY understanding (since I had also taken care of his parents) but he wanted our lives back and I did too. So, now, I visit my mom and still taking care of my dad but at least he is living in a retirement facility on his own. Still many drs. visits and phone calls but at least I have somewhat of a life. That's after taking care of my grandsons. I am of that Sandwhich generation and I wish someone would make ME a sandwich sometime! :)) God Bless

Jen, I'm jealous as i sit here again at B's. Had to listen to her moaning and groaning for an hour. No pain, just mad because we hid all her candy! Used to hide it all over her bedroom and fall asleep with it in her mouth. Had half a chocolate bar melted all over and through to the matress one morning. The PCA called me in a panic because she thought it was blood! We finally found out why all her teeth were breaking off! Sleeping with candy in your mouth every night will do that!
I'm out of here at 11pm andhave to do trash when i get home. I'm sure my husband isn't going to do it!
Got into the mid 50's today but we may get hit with a storm this weekend.
Jen enjoy your freedom and definitely keep thinking about going back to school. You are so smart and would do so well.
Three and a half more hours!

Just took 4 bags full of good mens clothes to the mission, two to Salvation Army, and donated the last of kitty stuff to Spokanimal. I have washed down the walls and the floor, took the curtains down, washed and put them up in the back. The smell is gone! I didn't notice it when we came home last three times!!! THAT is a true blessing to me. Not worrying when we go out we smell like urine!
We do every other day, visit wise and have not mentioned anything yet that isn't a safety issue. Still have yet to have the care meeting...We'll see what comes of that. He seems to be doing O.K., nothing major new. Remind him it is not HIS responsibility to help the guy in the next bed, will cut down on stupid falls... My cousin worked in over seeing nursing care and is now on the corporate end of it and says no nursing home is perfect and you just have to deal with what you get, unless it is a violation or something truly onerous...


Everybody in snow-ville make sure you watch your basements for flooding...That won't be over till it is really over...Did Boston make the record?

Feels good to be able to leave the house whenever we want and run errands and not feel tied here! God that is a relief!

Hi to everyone, Jen

Jen, not sure when FP got placed and how often you visit, but I do know you have to show up to make sure he is cared for properly. Going every day is too much for anyone to deal with and sometimes makes it more difficult for staff to get to know the client's habits,etc. B had a really hard time at rehab because we were going daily at first and she couldn't acclimate because she spent all day waiting for us to show up. She wouldn't eat, do therapy or let them wash her. She wanted us to do those things for her. When it became difficult for us to get there due to all the storms, she became more compliant and started eating on her own and allowing the staff to care for her personal needs.
As with the majority of long term care facilities, they are all understaffed and with people who are there for the paycheck and not because they really care. Nurses, CNAs and the like, do what's necessary and stop going above and beyond because it's easier.
I have been told over and over that I would be a perfect candidate to work in a facility caring for the elderly. I can honestly tell you that no time in my life did I ever consider doing that and am even more against it after all these years of home care giving! Like all of us, I did it because someone had to step up, but never because I wanted too!
I'm still feeling bad about placing B. I know she is going to be livid, hurt and sad when it finally happens, but my brain and my body are too tired and broken to continue. I will visit her when I can just to monitor her care, but I know I will have to overlook a lot of things to keep my sanity.
States need to change the worker to patient ratios before things can get better. I'm not sure what it is in this state, but it's way too many per worker and the main reason why things end up the way they do.
One of the things we have to look at when choosing a facility is if it is owned by a big corporation that has taken over facilities that were once run by private funding. They tend to be more about the bottom line dollars wise, than the care they provide. You also need to look at the rate of turnover with staff. All this information should be available to prospective clients. Huge staff turnover is a big red flag for problems for sure. Also, is staff working 40 hour shifts on the same days. If most staff is part time or per Diem, then clients are not going to be taken care of by the same people daily. This can be a major problem with continuity of care. It's very hard to get to know a client when you only see them 2-3 times a week and at different times of the day.
A good social worker will tell you all this and help you to find a facility that best suits the person and the family. I think if you and your mom step back a bit and maybe go to see FP less for a while, you might see things change for the better, or at least get some rest and peace for yourselves. You can always call daily, at different times and ask his nurse how things are going. If they tell you he is doing fine, it will give you some peace of mind and a day off! If he's really being a problem they will tell you for sure! If there are small issues that would drive you crazy, and they don't tell you.... What I'm trying to say is don't go looking for trouble if you don't have too! we all know that no one is going to give the kind of care we did at home but when we decide to place someone, we need to let some things slide and live with our decision so that we can move on with our lives too.
Okay, done with my sermon for the day!
Just got a gas delivery to the tune of $600! Between the gas and oil, I've been paying out $1000 every 4 weeks since the first of the year. Thank God the prices are way lower than last winter!!! Warm here the last few days. Roofs are finally clearing and piles are slowly going down, but I hear we may have a doozy this weekend!!
Trying to get laundry done and cook something for dinner. Heading back to B's for 3 until 11 tonight. That will make 44 hours there since 4pm Sunday. It's exhausting to have to sit with her all day. Had a few hours off during the day Monday and yesterday. I spent as much time out in the sun as I could! Planning on sitting out on the front porch for a bit before I head to her house later. Tomorrow she has a doctor appt. at 1. Hope I can get shoes on her feet! They are swelling up again.
Bobbie, hope you are feeling better. Linda!!!! Think about you and your husband often. Hope you both are coping with all you have going on. Meanwhile, good to have a list when you take Indio! It's so easy to get off track and forget to talk to the doctor about everything.
Bobbie!!!! Sure hope you can get your health back on track. It's been a long year for you!
Mame, Juju, Austin, Cuz and all those I missed, hoping we all have a good week and are headed for better times soon!
Love Deef!

Wow that's alotta money back then in 2009 cost pa 5 thousand s dollars a month . Geese ,,,

One fall, one non answer of an emergency button pushed, two rolled eyes from staff behinds his back, four days for them to figure out we are NOT doing his laundry, a new bout of UTI and constipation because they don't push fluids or give him the Miralax...and Mom wrote the first check for twelve thousand dollars...Great, great...I wonder if he would die quicker if I sent a letter anonymously and told him how much it was costing him a month....? Like I could. I remember he almost had a stroke telling us how much the green yard waste bins cost a month...
"THEY WANT SEVENTEEN DOLLAHHHRS FOR THAT THING!!!!"
(Actually 12) But in 1928 dollars that is like 98 bucks!
Wonder how long mom will keep hers, we are not down to eating left over cake frosting yet...so...
Sunny days here, pulled leaves off my strawberries. I hate to say it, but someone was actually watering their lawn yesterday. I kid you not! Sending it East!
Jen

This hits really close to home I'm sorry to say. Bless his heart my dad has a tremor (not parkinsons but still) and he can barely hold a fork. I have breakfast or lunch with him a couple of times a week. You wouldn't think a pancake would be so hard to stab but that think goes all over the plate. Not sure if syrup ever touches it. I ask if I can help but he always says no so I have given up. I just turn away or keep my head down at my own plate. We talk after we eat and while we are having our coffee or drinks. I'm sorry but that made me laugh out loud about the cat and butter. I needed that laugh.....

Lots of changes then all over...I hope Blanches transition goes O.K..It may not if she is that upset even at home. But what can you do? If she needs medical care she needs it...

Sorry Bobbie, did the throat thing come out O.K. or are you going to be lost in the nightmare world of modern medicine?...

Mom is letting go, I can tell, she is going through his clothes and going to find stuff for people in the family to use and donate rest to Union Gospel Mission. I just took the adapted toilet seat off, scrubbed the life out of the toilet and put a regular seat back on it. Hauled up anything of his he won't be using and cleared table for her to sort.
Nursing home still has issues...How long, on average should a patient/client have to wait after pulling and "Emergency Cord"?...If it is less then 20 minutes we are going to have a problem...I think they may have finally figured out his laundry situation...But they also stopped giving him Miralax and so he was constipated for three days so they gave his stool softening suppositories..and we came right when they were...doing their thing...They told him to wait while they cleaned him up, he didn't, but then again...Would YOU wait twenty minutes sitting on the crapper for someone who may or may NOT come back to "assist" you? God this is gonna suck...Mom was crying when we left...He is NOT coming back here! They were supposed to be a step up in care!!! Going into nursing care, you know, more appropriate and thorough looking after?! Oh never mind, maybe he will die sooner of sheer annoyance!
My eyes are stinging of bleach now. Mom is getting irascible...God here we go. Never mind. I was never going to have a life anyway. Just money, that's all. Just let me win a mint and I can look after mom and not have to worry, well about money anyway..plenty else to worry about!
Spring has come early here, I am sending it Fed X to those in the Mid West and The East Coast!!! You guys have had enough winter for one year! Or six?....

Miralax! We gave then the bottle!

Oh and our oven died...all of it...who cares, that's what credit cards are for. Emergencies. She let the dishwasher go ten years ago...this is something else...Like a water heater! Or her cable...

Our relatives, the far away ones, who think it good we finally have gotten him into a home...AND can now relax! Pahahahahaaaaaa, are going on vacation, in April...all of them...out of state for two weeks...Go see the mountains and get a break from their uber complicated lives...yes...how nice for you....Wonder if I will qualify for food stamps now that he isn't here and nor is HIS money. Mom now covers ALL the bills herself. food, power, water, medical...won't use a cent of his money...now that he is not here...Great, great, yes, were "Good People"... if you take out the sexual abuse, addiction, child abuse and endless emotional abuse that spanned generations...We are swell people!

Gah, Merry March! Jen The Professional Grouse. Still thinking I may give college a try again. I graduated once...

I gotta go flush out my eyes...Have a safe and sane weekend all...Jen