How do siblings from same parents, background and upbringing end up so different?
Some responsible others just a burden. We see lots of posts on this site about the one son or daughter that ends up totally responsible for caregiving of parents and the worthless sibs who do nothing but make things worse. What is it? Do parents unconsciously treat kids differently? Mom always liked you best? I know there's lots of scholarly material out there but what do you guys think is going on? I'm the responsible one in my family. My sibs passed away and I often wonder how we ended up so profoundly different having come from the same place. People who knew all three of us have always made remarks to me that we seemed to be from three different planets. I'm far from perfect and have had the sames kinds of life's downside as any one else who is 60 years old but I survived (so far anyway) and do what has to be done. What are folks thinking about this subject?
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BTW, my mother has never known where my brothers or I worked or what we even did. That really surprised me. She thought I was in college for 30 years. That was funny. She thought my older brother still worked at the same company he did 40 years ago. She knew my little brother was an engineer, but that was all she knew.
No two siblings actually have the same parents. I was the only one in my family, for example, who had first-time, nervous, and super-devoted parents. My youngest brother came along 20 years and 6 children later. Do you think he had the same parents? Ha!
And parents and the family of origin are not the only things that influence us. My stepdaughters are identical twins. Their DNA might match, but they have had different life experiences as adults, and they are very different people.
I was the not so smart guy, played sports, athletic scholarship, almost flunked out, had a shot at the pros and learned how work my a** off. My sister can't keep a job and tries to borrow money from me or mom. I was a VP of several software companies over the years. Why? because I understand people and she can't get along with anyone.
So I became POA and executor for mom. She has severe dementia and lives with me. All my sister wants is for her to die and get her money and has never offered to help, visit, etc.
My daughter has three children. The youngest two are from the same father and only one year apart. Chalk and cheese. He is tiny and slight, not interested in food much. She was born a moose, will eat anything, is eager to eat, wont' stop until it is all gone. That is nature.
As for the nurture? In my young, idealistic days I put it all onto nurture. But life has shown me differently. Today, I say both.
And how are siblings so different? Again, both. As I said above--the nature part can be so different! But even in the same family, there can be subtle, decisive differences. I see such a difference in how my daughter raised my eldest grandson (daycare all the way and she left him there in the afternoons even when she wasn't busy) to these two who are fussed over and coddled all day, their every whim addressed. She is a very different mother today only six years later.
To conclude, I share your amazement and always ask myself the same thing. Reading historical biographies, I read this same story over and over. The most intelligent, diligent parents can have duds for kids and share the same frustration that we feel today.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have 2 children a boy(oldest) and a girl.. They are different in many ways BUT they are alike in learned family values.. They understand thru our teaching what is expected from them.. Not that they always do it!! I was much more nervous with my son then I was with my daughter and it shows in their personalities..
My son the scientist will argue that DNA plays a major role in who we are, going back in generations...
So I'm not taking the blame for everything !!!!
But when it comes to my siblings they lived in the same household as I and know what is expected of them, but choose to ignore Mom..
It's " out of sight, out of mind"... Selfishness to the highest degree!!
Ideas?
My eldest sister was obvious the pet, born with curls and then along came me, I guess I was the disappointment not being a boy, so certainly labelled a number2 child, a nearly 5yr gap until the next, and all I remember of her was a crying demanding miserable 'thing' who grew to be obese, everything done by her for her alone.. and lives in some sort of cuckoo world, that I cant even have a conversation with her. I see the colour yellow she would see pink. but interestingly never really liked by my Ma. and in her demented state, will tell her to go away, My next sister had health issues and lots of hospital visits as a baby, so she now has that feeling of being a nuisance and disappointment as a child but is the one with the most empathy for Ma. THEN the boy, came along, still somewhere down inside that now hidden memory she knows she has her beloved son, who can do no wrong, and no woman was good enough for him.
Today its he and the eldest sister who live in the bubble that they being the first child and the male child think and hope that they get half, and that the middle 3 share nothing. Both raided the house when Pa died.and took anything they thought was good.
I always said that the only thing we have in common is parents, and when that passes [if she ever does] then I will not have much to do with my siblings at all.
While I think parenting matters a lot, I get irritated when people (usually people who've never raised kids) think that everything is parenting. There are many, many influences that go into making each of us a unique human being, parenting of course being one of them.
Great discussion!
Carol
He and my sis drove us all crazy until his death at 60 and hers at 42.
This topic hits right at home. Then they get their kids involved which is a crying shame. Because, I truly love my nieces and nephew, now they won't talk to me because of my sister. By the way, she was the one favored by mom. I was the one who respected my Mom and Dad and still do no matter what. Dad is gone and I miss him so much!
Have to agree, this statement pretty much sums it up.
I've got 3 relatives that had their last child so much later than their 1st that the last child biologically could have been the son or daughter of the oldest sibling. All 3 of those instances they were raised a world apart, the younger ones got a more relaxed, financially secure set of parents with more time to give them. So those differences make sense. But watching the identical twins, I almost wonder if it isn't the part we can't see that makes the difference, like the "soul" we are born with?
The reason why I that sometimes, one's life experiences can also influence this is b/c I know that when I was in my 20s & early 30s, I was just as selfish and did whatever I wanted, travel, friends, etc. But as I got older and experienced certain things (losing my father, divorce, etc.), the selfish part of me dissipated and now I dedicate my life to making my mom's final years as good as I can. 20 years ago, I probably would have been as selfish as my sister & brother.
Still, as everyone says, there's always one child that ends up doing all the work, even when there are tons of siblings nearby. I don't think it's a coincidence that every one of my female friends has been the one to care for their parent & other relatives until the very end. I guess birds of a feather really do flock together, lol.