Windyridge Posted May 2015
How do siblings from same parents, background and upbringing end up so different?
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No one I know who is not an only child is nothing like their siblings.
Nature/nurture? Both? Why are some people empathetic & others socio-paths? Who knows but sometimes you have to thank God for the differences - I want to be nothing like my brother. Unless he has something else to do in the neighborhood (he moved 1-1/2 hours away-another long story for another blog) he doesn't show up.
If my Mom predeceases me (Dad passed 15 years ago) the first thing I do is delete him from my cell phone. Hahaha.
Easy!
==1. GENES: Each child of same 2 parents, can inherit widely differing genes from their parents.
==2. AGE ORDER: Each child is born into a different slot in the Age-Order [oldest child, middle child, youngest child] each having behaviors based just on that age-placement.
Even identical twins can be very different; non-identical twins can be as different as regular siblings.
==3. ATTENTION LEVELS: Each child experiences different Attention Levels from the parent[s].
==4. TREATMENT: Each child will have different treatment based upon their sex, age, and the financial situation the family is in at the time.
==5. OTHER variables: grandparents or other extended family present? Divorces? Other partners? Expectations of others upon the child? Foundational community ties? Any birth defect or health challenges? Shuffling a kid between households? What has the kid from a divorced home, been admonished to do or not to do, that the others have not? Etc.
Just from these, one can see how Each, in a batch of kids from the same 2 parents, can be VERY different from the others.
==Add to that: a parent w/ mental/emotional issues which got worse over time, and/or one or more of the grown kids having health issues of their own, and there can be a set-up to trigger one or more of the kids to back-off; you'll be lucky if they tell the ones doing the work, "thank you".
IF siblings are apart, geographically, they will perceive the missing sib[s] based on OLD perceptions from many years ago when they did spend time together, not how they are now....Some sibs might not believe the missing one is sick, or has limitations preventing them from participating in Mom's care. Parents do this, too.
As families, we're optimally supposed to have Unconditional love/acceptance for each other; few know what that really means, and fewer practice it. As Caretakers become more worn out, they can get increasingly judgmental, angry and get their feelings hurt, often lashing out at the missing sibling in various ways.
Verbal nasty accusations / comments about the missing child/sibling, made by the Elder, can be very emotional, ugly, and delivered dramatically. This makes it all-too-easy for the Caretaker to believe, triggering them to get emotionally invested in the Elder's comments or accusations.......at the point when the Caretaker Sibling believes the accusations against the missing sibling, the Caretaker becomes the Extension of the Elder's rage, acting out nastily at the missing one on behalf of the Elder who no longer can personally harm the missing one. This is pretty common in families which have been badly affected by abusive behaviors.
Hope this helps understanding.
And.. I was more the black sheep in the family..definately not the favorite of the 4 siblings...their favorite now has almost no contact with them now.
And......An Elder who starts attacks while with Caretaker "A", can keep them going almost indefinitely when they move to Caretaker "B", if they can get others on-board with their fictions while still with Caretaker "A".
Mom always needed a "target". Always preferred to do battle...that's a large part of why she went through multiple spouses and boyfriends, before sticking with the least functional of the lot who was easier to control, who would battle, both him and his mother.
As her targets died off, someone else had to be "it". She's been capable of carrying on deeply vile verbals and accusations, as long as the target person is alive, even at a distance, as long as there are a few in her corner, assisting that process.
My siblings became her extensions
I've had to "love her from a safe distance" for over 3 years, this time, with no phone calls. In earlier years, I just kept geographically distant, and rarely heard from her as long as I kept sending money monthly--but if I was late sending it, she'd call, in her cups, and wheedle.
Speaking with them is kinda strange....same language, but some glaring misperceptions of what I say; so much "plausible deniability" in their verbals, it's too much cognitive dissonance - too crazy-making - it just doesn't feel safe to me.
I wish them well, and let them know I love them.
It seems futile to speak with them of much else.
Everything they've done communicates to me, they want nothing to do with me, and must have felt that way a long time, despite their words.
So I gift that space to them, knowing that when Mom dies, they will be all about pointing, getting angry at me for not speaking with Mom for the rest of her life [how dare I!!!].
Come to think of it, the only people I seem to have that sort of difficulty with, are chronic alcoholics and/or mental, or substance abusers... so I tend to avoid those...the hard part is recognizing them and getting out of the way fast enough.
For the past seven years relations with my daughter have been so strained that I hardly met my two youngest grandchildren: 2 and 3. The three year old has been having problems, temper tantrums and banging his head into the floor. Beginning six months ago, my daughter began letting me into their lives a bit and much more in the last few months--free babysitter. I see him 2-4 times a week. Naturally, I noticed the tantrums and, one night in bed thinking it over, I decided to pre-emptively strike with lots of affection.
I will spare you the details: the tantrums have completely stopped!!!!!!!!!!! A few days ago he threw himself on the couch and said, "Nanny, kiss me all over." Yesterday, after we made cookies, he said, "Nanny, kiss me real fast" (you all know, lots of piled up fast kisses). This little boy is a SPONGE for affection. His little sister came along when he was one year old and, impossible to ignore, the little girl became the center of mommy's affection--she never put her down.
OK, so maybe this is just coincidence, but he is so enthusiastic that I do believe it has made a difference. He seems now like a happy little boy. Am I imaging this or what?
And back to our discussion: what happens forty years from now when his Mommy needs elder assistance?? Who will step up?
I hope this rubs off upwards to your daughter too. Would giving her the same approval ease things between the two of you? I'd love to think so. But anyway - well done to you, Nanny :)
Yes, I am trying to do a lot of positive reinforcement with my daughter. It helps, I believe. But she will never be an affectionate person. Most important with her, no criticism or advice. I am always on very thin ice so I just try to work on my listening skills. The better I do with active listening, the better things go.
By the way, it is amazing how long my little grandson will sit with me to be cuddled, kissed, tickled, tumbled, etc. He has heretofore been known as the "little devil," "all boy," a "handful," etc. But, in truth, he can sit and communicate and cuddle for 15-20 minutes. I find that amazing in a 3 year old boy.
Be well, all!
It is not quite the unconscious act that one would like to think. I have heard parents speak in glowing terms about the favored child and in rather negative terms about the other(s). This is not done without conscious thought. Action follows thought and there are substantial, physical examples of that spoken favoritism.
I was not the favored child of our mother either in word or deed. Our father did not have a favorite nor did he play favorites; he truly loved and treated both his children, his daughters, equally. He was a man of integrity, honor and love and family meant everything to him.
My year-younger sister grew up with a strong sense of entitlement as a result of our mother's constant doting, praise and giving to her and when that was not constantly fed through my sister's ever-increasing demands, my sister now has cut our mother entirely out of her life.
The daughter whom my mother treated as second-rate and spoke negatively about to any and every one, is now the only child standing by her in her old age. I do so because she is my mother, I love her, and I would never abandon her. Also, I do so out of love and respect for my father, now deceased.
Mom still treats me like dirt and continues to lie about me to anyone who will listen! Go figure!
I guess my long winded point is, how on earth can we as siblings, who had always been so alike go in such different directions? How can someone who cried when they said Hello and/or good bye become so unfeeling, and be ok watching while they suffer???
I would have to write a book to rival "War & Peace" to describe what he has done with his life, but the worst part is that he sucked at LEAST a quarter of a million dollars from the parental teat (leading to bankruptcy after my father's death) and is STILL dipping into Mom's meager SS income whenever she is with him! She has always doted on her precious baby and has enabled all of his self-destructive behavior and that of his abusive, pill-popping, alcoholic ex-wife. I have to listen to Mom gush about how much he helps her, while thinking, "Yeah, helps himself to your money!"---but she never could accept the truth about the situation and now her dementia shields her from reality.
I ask myself, "How did such a nice, caring person turn into such a duplicitous jerk?"
They were all very helpful during their dad's last illness, and the older ones were involved with granny-care. It will be interesting to see how it plays out down the line!