I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother. She lives on the east coast---me on the west. I have only one other sibling ---who is no help at all (and more of a threat to her). My parents and I have been close all of our lives. We've done alot for them over the years, trips, etc. and they've always appreciated it.My Dad passed away in '96. Since then, my mother asked my husband and I to have her house put in our name---"so the government wouldn't someday get it". We kept saying no---because in our business---we had to put all we owned on the line all the time. In 02, my mother had to be hospitalized, almost died, and discovered that she had emphysema. I, of course, flew back and was by her side through it all and left after 10 days and it was clear she would be okay. We took one of our children and their kids back to visit about 6 weeks later. We rented a camp--so as not to put her out and had her stay with us. We also decided to go ahead and put the house in our name and give her life lease and also credit for the value of the house. (value---very small--about 43,000.) We helped her buy a newer car with some of that, and updated the furnace, roof, stairs, and other items that needed tending. We began paying for the taxes, ins. etc. We have always done things for her---like buying her a new computer----spending hours and hours explaining over and over how to open her email.(I thought this would be good for her mind and we could send pictures often, etc.) We pay for her internet hook-up, I buy her vitamins all the time---as she won't see a Dr. (they are all evil and only after your money)and it's the only thing she will consider to do that might help her. I also have her on our cell phone plan---to take with her when she drives---in case of an emergency. I bought her the help line to wear around her neck.---- 3 years ago---we helped her update her will. She had been complaining that she never finished the simple one that she had done just after my Dad passed away. So---when we go back to visit, we have her write up a list with all the things that we can do to help her around the house and spend a few days doing it (then we try to go to a camp to enjoy one another and are able to have other family come to visit too. My husband and our kids love being on a lake). So, we decided this time---we'd help her take care of her will. I looked into the internet and saw that we could do one there for about 30.00. I sat her down beside me for every question------and got her answers. If she wasn't sure, I would suggest something simple--- she would say okay. Basically, she always wanted whatever was left to be divided up evenly with my brother and I, with me taking care of things. Very simple. (When we transferred the house, after her withdrawal amounts were paid back all would be divided up evenly---was written in that document.) Dealing with her over these past few years---has slowly become a living nightmare!!!! She says that was all my husbands idea to have the house transferred and that she wants the papers back to her original deed. She says it's her house. Then she will say--it be coming back to her anyway in '09. ??? What she repeatedly says makes no sense---like well, if you bought my house---where's my money? then we'll explain about the car, repairs, etc. and she'll say " all you ever talk about is money! I'll send you the d--- money". I could go on and on---with the craziness!!! The will----she knew nothing about and says we did that will how we wanted to and stole papers from her file!! My husband opened her small file box (because she had misplaced her keys)and handed it to her. She swears that he went through it and stole some papers!! As we say---why would we? and that of course we didn't ever take any papers! She is absolutely convinced that he did it! My mother knows that we have always been upright, honest people----but has turned her opinion around that we are thieves and liars! This is soooo hurtful! She contacted her original attorney for a copy of her old unfinished will after I gave her a copy of what she gave me. She first said how did you get my will---I never gave it to you (which she did) I told her maybe she would be convinced when the attorney sent her a copy of exactly what I gave her. When he did---she said that was not the will that she did and then called him (and accused him of I don't know what!!) and asked if he was on the internet. He said yes, his firm was. So---now she thinks that he and I were in cahoots and forged her signature on the old will! I'm not sure why we would even do that! It is all so crazy!!!! I have developed severe stomach attacks from the stress of all of this --that puts me down for a couple of weeks at a time! My husband and I have been planning to go back again this fall and help her out---and try to do some enjoyable things with her. She says no----that she's not comfortable with us. She seems to be okay for part of our conversation---but it always comes back to her wanting her papers back that we stole. About 6 months ago---she called to say she found some of the papers she had accused us of taking. I said---so Mom, you realize that we never took them, right? she said --oh, well you put them back in the box. I said when? we live 3000 miles away! she said---oh when you were here last. None of it lines up or makes any sense. We have been called money-hungry, lovers of and controlled by Satan! I really am finished! (I can't begin to tell you the hurtful things she says to me. I think that's how she gets back at me---by trying to say something to hurt me.) My question---after all of that... Do we just transfer the house back in her name and let what will happen ---happen? I don't think that will make her happy either. She seems to find fault with any way that we try to help her. She actually complains about everything....like "not one soul called me today---nobody cares about me. Or---so and so called and talked for over an hour! I couldn't wait to get them off of the phone! They are such greedy, proud people!" (Always something negative)I have overlooked things and forgiven her time and time again---but don't think I can take it anymore. I typically call her every few days and tell her to call me if she ever needs anything! (She has a lot of confusion with things) I want to help my mother and help make her last years happier---but I don't think it's possible. Her health is not very good. Since she refuses to see a Dr., we're not sure about some things. We know she has emphysema---but her oxygen level is above the point needing oxygen (I bought her an at-home oxometer) She has no feeling in her feet, and is exhausted and out of breath from doing very simple things. She does still have her license and gets out 2 or 3 times a week (except during the winter).(At night---she says she's okay as long as she can follow someones tail-lights!! scary!)She's only 78---and could probably live much longer if she would see a Dr. It may be her circulation clogged or her heart. But who know? We've gone round and round about Drs. to the point where I've given up. Totally exasperated---I hung up the phone today telling her I never want to be in touch again......I feel I've lost my mother. She brings me (basically a very patient person)---to the point of craziness and it's taken its toll! I don't think I can handle things with her anymore. Any help or suggestions???
PS. I have her all lined up to get help (housework,etc) with a state organization---but again---she just won't do it or let me make the call! (She'd rather complain!)I don't think she wants anything to be my idea...Perhaps, if I'm out of her life---she'll have to rely on these other organizations----even if it takes her being admitted to the emergency room.
I do have a praise though! She has finally allowed me to contact some care facilities to get her some help at home. We have had to put her on a list---that may take 4 or 5 months to get the Goold assessment for financial aid---but through Cathloic Charity---will be having them give a couple of hours every other week--paying the full price for now. (Their assessment is this Friday) But---she was sooooo negative and adamant about not getting ANY help--that this is very refreshing to have her be in agreement---as she does need the help---(she sometimes goes without groceries, etc)! Thank you to those who have prayed. I will feel much better just having someone else to help her out and be able to contact me---if they see additional concerns. Also---once we get the Goold assessment---we may be able to get a little nursing help too. It's a start for future needs. Blessings to you all!
It sounds you and your husband are doing a great job for your mom. Don't ever give up hope, just remember, you and your husband are the ones that have always been there and are the ones that "Mom" is going to vent out on. Deep down, your mom is probably scared and is not ready to say out loud that she is really crying out. Being independant is a good thing until this time comes to admit when you no longer can take care of yourself. Just one week before my dad died, he finally allowed himself to tell the "Goold" Assessment person that he needed help. All the other times, he would use every bit of strength he had to get himself up as if he could manage. We had to tell him that it's ok.
If you are not in Maine, you can still call the numbers I gave you and I know they will assist you with contacts in your state.
Best of luck and I, as well as many others that are part of the caregivers on the site are here to help each other. You will be in my prayers and am here if you need to just vent! Sincerely, Beth -
When mom was still living w/us and caring for her24/7 when she started on the money and house (Which I think she may have had a little help from someone else trying to get her money) I would get out her checkbook and show her everything. Even though I knew and know that it is her "ILLNESS" talking, it still really hurt and at the beginning, I felt the same way as you. I would get so ugly and hurt and because we have always been the ones that were always there for her and dad, they would go without to hand money to my siblings and I was the one that always stood on my own 2 feet and never took a dime from them. My mom would say the same things to me and what was really upsetting - We live about 100 miles from mom's brothers and sisters families, She would get on the phone and they would ask her how she was doing & wouldn't you know it, all of a sudden she would say how we were taking all of her money and that she had nothing and how awful we were being. Talk about being furiously hurt. BUT - I HAD TO GIVE MYSELF A REALITY CHECK BECAUSE THIS WASN'T MY MOM. MY MOM HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO GENTLE & KIND. SO I WOULD GET ON THE PHONE & PRAYING THAT THEY WOULD REALIZE THAT IT WAS THE DEMENTIA TALKING, NOT "MOM". It really took me awhile because all I could do was basically sit back & deal with it. Then, you would see mom just sit there and all of a sudden start crying because she was coming out of the confusion. She would apologize and try to sort things out in her mind.
Dementia is a horrible disease and it is really scary for the person with it, as well as those of us watching it happen to our loved ones. Only because of the close relationship that you have always had with your mom, it truly sounds like this might be what is happening to her. Hopefully, there will be a way to get your mom seen, even if it is at home through an assessment from one of the agencies.
Hang in there and just know that it isn't anything you/husband has done. I will be praying for you.
Sincerely, Beth
You would be amazed at how often the children who help end up being the ones spit on. It is hard.
You may have already lost the mother you knew. Her mind is playing tricks on her unfortunately. She may be having mini strokes which are affecting her mind. My dad was finally diagnosed with vascular dementia and is now much better on medication for that.
I hope your mom gets help. It is unfortunate that when they need the help the most people can become so difficult. It almost seems like they get very angry at their life situation and they also want to make sure you are miserable too.
So---yes, we are taking this one day at a time and will be so glad to get her on her state care system to get her help at home---and hopefully have her set up for future needs. I would bring my Mom out here in an instant----but she just will not hear of it. Even though she complains of being so lonely, I tell her her 5 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren would all be close by for her to see all the time---if she were out here, and of course---I would be right here to help. I guess I can understand the security of being in the home you've lived in for over 50 years---and her wants to eventually go to the same little boarding home that her mother went to. I hope you are able to get issues worked out with your Mom. This aging is all such a difficult process---and you also have all your concerns for you Dad. Don't they say "old age isn't for sissies?" Thanks goodness we have prayer and our heavenly Father we can go to for comfort and help---but I agree it does help to have others in a similar situation to talk to and share thoughts. Thank you and God bless.
In response to your question----I have confided in a few close family members, who live near my Mom, about her situation. They're kind of keeping an eye on her---but no one is really there to help her out. They all have their own families and busy lives or have their own medical worries. My mother is also pretty offensive to others---and drives them away. She thinks her whole family has turned against her because she is a Christian. Remember the 2 page letter on hell sent to me? With that kind of attitude toward others ---she can be quite offensive. She has a couple of gals that she pays to help her with her groceries and a few chores. One gal is very nice but a little mentally challenged. At some point, she will need more help. As I mentioned earlier, I had her all set up with a Care program that would come in to help with light chores, groceries, whatever she might need, but she refuses to take the next step to get the help. Unfortunately, typically, not many would be willing to care for a parent like their child. I would love to be able to do more. it's very difficult living so far away. She refuses to come and live close by me. We've talked assisted living, which she absolutely refuses to do also. Perhaps the needs will become great enough---that it will be forced upon her. It is just a very sad way for her to spend her last years---especially being so lonely and thinking her only daughter has done these awful things to her. She's heart broken-----. Her hurt is all so unnecessary---but that's the name of the game when it's dementia.
But, as I said before, I'm really trying to have the right attitude and expect the unexpected and not take it to heart and just keep loving her.
Thanks for any info on calling Adult Services or if anyone has had simple tests done by a Dr. confirming some sort of dementia.
God Bless you all for your help and concern.
Doing all that you have I completely understand how you feel unappreciated and unloved. But that is not the case. You are now dealing with a disease that does not deal with rational behavior and a world where REASON does not exist. All actions can be suspect to them, and any actions you take that they do not understand will cause more confusion and resentment on their part. Even good intentions are misconstrued, and since they cannot remember 'who did what' it only gets more confusing.
So what can you do? I would consider calling Adult Protection Services and ask them to evaluate her, leaving your name out of it. Perhaps they can get her in for an evaluationl. Why do anything else? Because you love your mother. That is obvious!
It would be wonderful if you could move her into the guest house you have for her, but even that may not help things. Moving her there won't stop her from being paranoid or stop her from saying strange things. Sad, but it doesn't work that way.
I am not an expert, but dealing with disease is not easy. Understanding that they cannot change, so we have to.
Barb: I know of what you speak too, my mother knows who I am MOST of the time, but when she doesn't I experience the same things you mentioned. At first it really upset me too, but I just had to realize that it was the Alzheimer's that had taken control that day, not that my mother wanted to forget me.
Other days, it made things much easier when she didn't thnk of me as her daughter. And if she asked about her daughter, I would tell her that she 'just called' while you were napping, and sends her best. That would at least let her know that her 'daughter' didn't forget about her.
CNichols: I can just imagine how confusing it is for you, with you being on the West coast and Mom on the East coast. Do you have any other family members or friends near your Mom that you can confide in? You need someone to be a mediator or liason for you. I pray you can find someone to help you. My heart goes out to you.
Angela
My husband did tell me to think of somewhere I would like to go for a few days. I guess I should start thinking of a place to go. I'd like to go somewhere private by the ocean. We live about twenty-five minutes from cape cod but I don't know if we'll find a place to stay because it's so busy with tourists right now but I'll try. I will pray that God gives you the strength to get through your own struggles.
Thank You Again! Barbara
From my own personal experience, and from seeking for answers for my own situation, as Caregiver for a Dad with Alzheimer's and a Mom with a "Severe Personality Disorder," addictions, bitterness, and a vile spirit, I have sought and found answers. And I am still learning. When the Bible says "serve," it does not mean to sacrifice our own precious emotional health to another's. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. No matter what I do, it's never good enough. That is not the attitude of a godly mother. You can still practice your faith, showing love, but by firmly establishing boundaries. Your Mom won't like it, but it is important. She is treating you like a doormat, and will never respect you, nor will your husband, if you continue to allow it. And you are allowing her to disrespect your husband, too. Don't usurp his authority and give her power over both of you. Build him up, to everyone, and don't talk about him with her, especially if you don't agree with everything he does. Talk to God about him, and your mother. Ask God for help. Ask an older trusted wise and godly woman (not a gossip or busybody) for help. She is abusing you, so decide you will no longer allow it. And she is abusing your husband. No wonder he wants to leave. Cleave unto him, and make him your confidant, your joy, your peace, and ask him what he thinks God would have you both to do. Don't hold out for the "goodies" (the house) while sacrificing to a tyrant. You know that's not healthy for any of you. Let Mom have her space, and you two need yours. You're going to need some help establishing boundaries, and it will take practice. Forgive her; forgive yourself, and forgive your husband. God is the God of second chances, and miracles. I suggest you pray for both. Don't forsake your husband's needs for your mother's. You need your husband's help to make this work, and he needs yours. Your mother will wonder what is going on. Let her wonder. Take a day or two alone with your husband to let him know you love him, and how important he is to you. Your Mom doesn't need to know every detail, or anything. Just go, and let her wonder. While away, find a plan that works for your husband. Let him make the decision, asking God to guide and direct him. Let him be the man God created him to be. Otherwise, let him go. It's that simple, but it's not easy. Don't make it harder by trying to do things your way, or trying to hold on to something that's not working. You owe it to yourself to trust God. He has a way of making things work out better than we can hope or imagine. Ask him to turn your "curse" into a lesson, and grow from it.
OK. Those are just suggestions. You can throw out any that don't seem worthy, and I won't be offended. I'm not God's agent, and have my own struggles. I'm still learning myself, and not everything is perfect in my life. I've blessed with a wonderful husband who has been patient, and steady, even though I don't always acknowledge it, or always treat him well. I don't deserve the blessing he's been, but God is good. No one has your answers but God. And mine is just an opinion. Your Pastor may have some different suggestions. I am stirred with compassion for you, and will pray for you, Barbara. I want you to succeed, and to prosper, and be a good witness and for your light to shine bright. Your love will heap ashes on the head of someone who's divisive, but you can't make her change. Being firm will rock the boat, but firm doesn't mean mean, or angry. If things remain the same, you'll end up bitter. I'm preaching to myself, as well. And the love of God is greater than this whole mess. Ask God to restore unto you the joy of his salvation. Ask and you shall receive. Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you. Be careful what you ask for, and be wary what you receive. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm praying you come back with a story of victory and praise.
This has been a curse to us! I can’t even enjoy my own life..
I hope someone can give me some kind of help.
Thanks For Listening! Barbara
As I was silent, my Mom would come up with these rageful things to say, like "You're just guilty, or you're jealous of me, you're going the wrong way, you're filled with Satan, Get out of here! I'll kick your a__ all the way down the road!" She even said she wished she would die right there for me to see and said I should put a knife right through her heart!) Just nuts! I said "Someday Mom. in heaven, you'll see that these things are not true. She said I'll never see you in heaven!"----I left, wondering where my Mother had gone-----and wondering where my feelings of love for my mother had gone....
At my girlfriends, in the midst of tears and trying to make new plane reservation, I had an unusual pain down my left arm. She immediately gave me an aspirin and was ready to call the hospital. It finally went away. I did go back to see her that evening---and picked up a couple of things I had left. My mother had found everything she could find, that I had given her---and had it by the front door to take with me. She wanted nothing to remind her of me.....I found an early flight home---and flew home on Mothers Day......What a disaster---and I was so mad at myself for getting caught up in the emotion of it all---and for trying to reason with her---and for going home-----when I was right there---and still had many things I had planned to take care of.
I called her to let her know that I was home and fine. She said she couldn't believe that I could have started that and done all of those things to her. She had just not brought me up right!
Oh my, so what do you do????..... I feel better still calling her daily---to check on her and try to be as upbeat as I can. Most of the time I am able to change the subject---and keep the conversation going the right way, or I'll say Mom, I'm going to hang up now and will call you in a couple of days, and tell her I love her. I've still hung up a couple of times as she's called me a liar and says that I am filled with Satan.... (We are both Bible believing Christians)
And----we have another trip planned to go back this August. We are renting a camp close by, and will bring my mother back and forth. (She refuses to stay with us any more). She turns 80 in a few days. We weren't able to be there then---but will celebrate while we are there---and are also going to have a family reunion for her side of the family...... We'll see how it all goes. I will at least have my husband there---for support (if he can stand to stick around).
I've come to realize that this IS a process.....and a very difficult one----of saying good-bye----to someone I love very much. We all must face these good-byes---as that is the process of this life. But, I must say---that this is a very difficult and painful way to have to do it. My mother really believes I have done all of these horrible things to her. And the more time goes on---the more I am seeing that it has to be some sort of dementia. Some little things she will say now, like you must have brought a large towel and left it here---because it was in my laundry and I have never seen it before. Also, she asked if I left another item (a Jewish prayer shawl) in her cabinet---as she has never seen it in her life---and I must have done it because no one else has been there. The other new one--since my Mothers Day trip is that I left something in her glass in the kitchen cabinet. She won't tell me what it was--until I admit that i have done it. She also says that she has not been feeling as good ever since I did that! (She takes a glass of water to bed with her every night and takes sips through the night) she said God spoke to her one morning and said to take that out of her mouth (what ever was in her glass) and she says thank God she did. I asked if she thought I would ever do anything like that to hurt her and she said yes, you know what you did. She seems to slip in and out of reality---but she never forgets the illusions that she has determined that we have done to her.
So, forgive me for going on and on...... my poor husband has had to hear about the craziness and it is, of course, very frustrating to him to see me get hurt. Sometimes it just feels good to put things down in words---that will never hurt my mother---as no one reading this would know her.
It helps to know that many others are going through the same issues---and worse. I do believe we serve a Sovereign God and that He is there by my side to see me through this---and to help me behave in a way that is pleasing to Him. I just have to keep my focus on Him while remembering that this is a disease that has overtaken my mother---and try not to take any of it personally. Some day in heaven she will see all things clearly.
So--although I am saying good-bye--whether I want to or not--it is happening----someday--on the other side, I will say hello again!
Thanks again for your positive input and encouragement.