I gambled. I went no contact with my mother. She is in assisted living 12 miles north of me. My dad left her our family trust when he passed in June of 2023; then he made my psychopath/narcissist brother co-trustee on the trust along with my narcissist hateful mother. She has been my primary psychological abuser my entire life (57 years). I honor her in this way: compassion. I took the time to understand what she claims as her upbringing. She describes her upbringing as poor but occasionally switched to the below-adequate. So, to honor God and his commandment to honor thy mother and father, I found a way through the benefit of the doubt and compassion based on it. I was not there to witness.
Assured that my mom will die with the most comfort possible, I have deemed our relationship unfixable, and I did what I did for both of our sakes. My compassion and my loyalty have been tested and maxed out. I figure my success will be her and my dad's success; they will know this wherever they end up.
Her hate levels were at an all-time high. She called me 4 times a day while attempting to take my online university courses. I saw these calls as pure sabotage, as she claims that her planned pregnancy (me) prevented her from completing her degree (in 1967). I do not accept this guilt and never will. She was sucking my "self" motivation right out of me and constantly (I believe purposely) interrupting my hard work.
I start a new term on Monday, and we are just beginning the New Year. So, I cut it off as an unconscious decision and New Year's resolution. I am currently on the President's list, in the top three percentile of my class, and my courses are getting more difficult, and I want to maintain this status.
The only thing I may regret is that my brother (the co-trustee) of our family trust tries to get everything, and there will be a legal battle, which I will quite clearly win if it comes down to it. I hate giving lawyers anything, but I hate his taking all my mom and dad's hard work. I plan to pay off my student debt and start a non-profit, helping further narcissist and narcissist survivor research.
I have learned to turn very heavy negatives into the best positives I feel I can with the years I have left as the person I am today.
If I can live a positive life and do great things, anyone can, and "better late than never" are my messages.
~ Samson
This situation can easily change again. M might get the idea that if she makes unreasonable demands, you will turn the phone off. M might get ill and less (or more) difficult. You may finish your course and have more time while you wait for the great job you hope for. B may find her more difficult and he might back out too. So the best thing to do may be to sit tight and do nothing while you finish your course.
One thing you might usefully reconsider is to “start a non-profit, helping further narcissist and narcissist survivor research”. That keeps you focused on M’s behavior, which is not such a good idea. And ‘starting a non-profit’ takes a great deal of money. Better to break free, perhaps?
24/7 care in the house, with an agency caregiver, which can be $30 an hour or more - lets say $30 an hour : would come out to $262,000 a year
A good memory care with an elder needing quite a bit of support can be $15,000 to $20,000 a month with all factored in, in some cities. That's $240,000 a year ....
so $500,000 potentially does'nt go far at all.
We have a trust and we're not gazillionaires, so I've already informed my 3 sons to not get too excited over it or *expect* something when eventually both of us pass on. That money is for our care. I have incredible longetivity on my side and husband's side is pretty stout as well. Sometimes 24/7 care can cost $75k per year. That's only 6 years. My MIL just passed at age 89 and was in LTC for 7 years and in AL for 2 years prior to that. Just something to internalize so that you have tempered expectations when the trust is finally distributed.
2) Don't assume that there is going to be money left!. You don't mention your Mom's health level. However, these days, 86 year olds can quite easily live up to late 90s. If she has increasing complicated care needs, $500,000 could well all get spent on care needs. Over say 10 years, thats spending $50,000 average. Quite easily can be spent if care needs occur. It's even possible she runs out of money actually, then needs medicaid to cover nursing home.
3) As others have discussed, inheritance of a trust may or may not change based on going no contact - it depends on the legal details .....
If your brother isn't beloved and trusted, then your best move upon the death of your mother is to hire your own attorney to check on things as the Trust is distributed.
As you may already know, Trusts, unlike Wills (which are probated and go through public records) require no public filings. You won't be able to check on things as your brother begins distributions of the Trust as the Successor Trustee.
You will therefore want to hire your own probate attorney or trust and estate attorney to keep a check on things, I do think. You will then soon enough know whether the Trust was changed to remove you as a beneficiary.
I frankly think you very wise to live your own life without having people in your life who don't support you and aren't loving. It sounds as though you are doing very well for yourself and making good decisions.
You seem to have no questions for us, so I'll wish you a Happy New Year. Keep in mind that we have two chances at family: the one we're born to and the one we MAKE.
Make yourself a family full of beloved friends and trust and support.
Please don't forget that.
Me personally....I would continue with the no contact and enjoy the peace it gives me and not worry about any said inheritance/trust.