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I've been looking for support both emotionally and physically in being the caregiver for my grandma. I volunteered, told everyone I would be fine, signed up to get paid from the county, etc. I dont have much going on in my life right now and I told myself taking on this challenge would be something I could be proud of. I knew it would be difficult but I wanted to show up for my grandma. My family wanted to get her in a type of home, but she still has a bed sore so we were denied. Plus thats so expensive. Some of us just wanted her to come home so here I am. It's been about 2 months and we were both doing good... But things are getting hard again. She has dementia and had fallen down a few times and ended up in a facility before we brought her home. and some days I dont know if im truly doing my best. We have a friend we pay to come for a few hours a few days a week but it's still so hard for me to be the only person really making sure shes okay. Recently I just wish we got her into a home/facility. im grateful to be able to help her. I just need relief and free time for myself. it's feeling impossible. she can be mean and angry, refuse to eat, and she cant stand so I help her with hygiene which she often forgets or refuses.. cannot be left alone its a fall risk. I just want to be sure im not messing up. I was hoping we'd look into other options after she came home with me for awhile but so far I either did such a great job my family just thanked me, or whenever im worried about her everyone tells me shes gonna "slowly decline anyway" like ok .. im stressed and anxious over here!! just venting..

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she does have an in home nurse that does her wound care. twice a week and they provide the bandages and dressings she needs so I can change them. she has fallen again since shes been home and that bruise also turned into a pressure wound. so while the first bed sore that was so bad before is slowly but surely healing, I am worried this new bruise one will make the process longer. she also has pressure wounds on her heel but since shes not bed ridden as she was in the rehab facility, those are healing really well. I would be a lot better at taking care of her if I didn't have the entire responsibility, like one shift a day, but thats not the case and I feel like when I get burnt out I dont do my best job. I am worried that a care home would be like im giving up when a step in between could be keeping her home with more assistance. I am looking into getting her more IHSS hours so I can maybe add a provider. but these things take time and I might just lose my mind before then. I also want to add im so happy to take care of her, I just need assistance !!
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You need to have her doctor order "in home" care for that sore. It needs a woundcare nurse to take care of it. They can become septic which will kill your grandma. Once its healed, then get her placed. Grandchildren should not be caring for grandparents. You need to be concentrating on getting a job and building a life.
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The brain is dying with dementia and so is the person you knew. I have heard that some of the meanness comes from being aware of the decline causes anger and anxiety. Very few people want to give up independence. Please do not feel bad if you have to look into memory care. Those with dementia can do things that put themselves or others at risk including driving, leaving on stoves, or running water and forgetting. They can fall and forget how to call for help. Eventually, they forget basic hygiene. No one can handle being a sole caregiver 24/7 and not break down. You are also watching someone you love die slowly in front of you so you are dealing with grief.
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Sadly, dementia is progressive - will keep getting worse. Dementia causes changes in the brain. Often starts with memory loss, but brain changes can cause loss of balance, therefore increasing falls. Brain changes can damage talking & swallowing, increasing communication struggles, frustration, mood changes & need for soft, then puree diet.

As needs grow, caregivers need to have more hands, more strength, more patience & more eyes.

It's too hard for one person. (No matter how loving or dedicated they are)

Please consider ADDING more help so you don't burn out.
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You’ve undertaken an enormous task with the best of intentions. No one can fault you for wanting to do your best for your grandmother. In just a short time you’ve seen how hard it is on many levels. If it’s proving to be too much, please admit it, both to yourself and to extended family. There’s nothing wrong with choosing a different path, either more in home help or moving grandma to where help is available. Sometimes we get to a place of choosing the best of the rotten options, especially when dementia is involved. Family is usually just relieved someone else is doing the job, and offers of help frequently dry up. Above all, guard your own health, mental and physical, I’d bet that’s what grandma would most want in this
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Welcome to the Forum, C.
I hope you will fill in your profile for us so we can better answer you.

I think you are correct that this isn't working for you, and you are stressed and anxious while it sounds as though your grandmother is lacking in care she should have now, certainly in terms at least of specialized wound care visits and treatment.

You are being paid by the County. This is your contact for these questions. You will have a caseworker assigned somewhere in the system. Call the number at your earliest convenience and discuss your concerns with them. If grandmother is again in hospitalization speak with the social workers about your concerns.

If grandmother is receiving this governmental assistance she has already qualified in terms of really not having money, so you are saving nothing; there's nothing to save, and family definitely shouldn't be spending their own money. Grandmother will need to be on Medicaid and placement now is likely best for her and for you as well.
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