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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I don't know any answers but I am laughing with a few tears too at these posts. My mommy wraps everything in Kleenex in her purse! Yes, the remote has been a phone also! Today I gave her big bubble wrap to pop down at our retail store! Yes I love her so much but she does does drive me crazy. I always feel better when I know I'm not alone here. Sundowners is better with meds now. I too wish I had the patience of Job! Thanks everyone for your stories.
I sure can relate to anger and frustration. I start the day off OK but, by 5pm, I'm fried. If I hear one more time, "There's itching powder in my hair, clothes, bed, etc., I think I'll scream. Same with, "I have a terrible headache", "Where's Lorraine?" (her sister but often confused for her daughter) and "I just want to die." I've tried to ignore the incessant questions and griping by turning off my hearing and not responding.
It hurts to hear that she believes that her daughter (me) hates her but she doesn't like her either. Actually, she believes that everyone hates her and many have physically harmed her. Most of the "perpetrators" have hit her over the head with a baseball bat! Good Lord! One used a hammer and broke her hand (She fell at the memory care facility and broke her wrist.)
She is in stage 6 but it has been vastly different than I thought it would be. I was hoping for a happy, confused little old lady, jabbering and picking at things. Oh no, I got a screaming, angry, combative woman with a bad attitude and a bad outlook on everything. It's easy for her order us around, demanding what she wants and wanting it "right now". I have to explain that I'm doing something else for her and I'll get to her next request as soon as I can. She's very hard of hearing so it must be said in a loud voice. That part drives hubby mad. Aaaahhhh!
My best efforts to keep her awake during the day fail and she falls asleep on the couch after dinner. When I wake her to go to bed, you'd think she remain sleepy and just close her eyes in her bed. Not! We had to hire a night time c/g (4 nights a week) so we can get some sleep. Her agitation goes into hyperdrive and then she's screaming. I've had to put my hand over her mouth so the neighbors don't think we're killing her. She gets Ativan at night. I didn't really want to give the Seroquel due to not being recommended for the demented elderly but I have to. She gets so wound up and we all need to get some rest.
Unfortunately, she is unable to do anything except brush her teeth (with help). I have to steer her walker and have my arms under hers for unsteadiness. I've taken over cleaning her after bathroom usage due to having a UTI. I'm sure she caused it from poor hygiene. She will eat 4 bites then "forget" to eat the rest, so I feed her. She can't assist with any portion of bathing, so 3 times a week, hubby and I get her in the shower and I wash everything. It's like having a huge newborn. She can't bend to sit down and can't stand up without maximum assist. She can't dress herself and does a poor job of brushing her hair. She can't read or watch TV due to hearing and concentration. I wish there was something I could have her do that would occupy her, keep her awake and be something she would enjoy, (if she's able to enjoy anything).
I dream of bedtime (4 nights a week) to escape this drudgery and mind numbing job. I don't begrudge her the care but the incessant questions would try the patience of Job. I awaken to another day of the same. There are no "sweet moments" with us. I wish I could change my attitude. Fortunately hubby works from home and is available at any time.
If only things were different. :( Thanks for letting me gripe.
SueC, vent away! We hear you. We all want to be sweet angels, but it can still get to us after a year or two or three... I don't know how we keep being sweet and respectful all the time, but wonder how it ever got to be so bad. You sound as efficient as a nurse and a CNA together. I know your husband makes it easier. It is so hard to live under such stress. I think we all need to meet in Hawaii and sit around sipping margaritas.
I'm so behind on my sleep. Mom is now getting up several times thru the night, rummaging thru her room, wandering the house, getting fully dressed, coming in my room and waking me up, knocking on closed doors. This is way more than we expected.
I think you need to look up the articles on this site to educate yourself as to what to expect concerning your mother's alzheimer's / dementia. It is going to get much worse and it already sounds like she is way beyond the ability of any one person to take care of her. Please find her a place where she can be safe and cared for.
Angelmommy57, I'm right with you. It was WAY more than we thought. The anger, demands and confusion (repeating things hundreds of times a day), not to mention the physical work of picking her up, bathing her, feeding her and helping her walk just got to be too much for us "old folks". We caved in after 2 months. It's really not a livable situation. (I swear her dementia got much worse after moving in with us.)
We placed her in another memory care facility, much closer to us, on Friday. I am so sad and guilty but immensely relieved also. The home situation was beginning to affect my relationship with my husband because of my mother. Not worth bad feelings with the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I spent today returning the house to its "pre-dementia" state.
We will visit her for the first time tomorrow. I hope she's "settled in".
Hi SueC1957, I am glad for you that you got your life back. I am dealing with my 81 y.o. mother who has Alzheimer. It is so hard. I am so stressed and so are my kids. I wanted to scream at her many times. Her memory is worse by the day. I don't know if I could take care of her till the end. I would like to know how you go about finfing a care facility for people with Alzheimer. My mother only receives social security. She doesn't have any money, and I don't have much. How much does it cost? Any information is greatly appreciated.
It sounds like you and your mother may be ready for her to be in assisted living. Bless your husband and you for taking on this responsibility. It is a very loving thing to do. It doesn't mean you don't love her if you get her more care. It is absolutely the opposite. Sounds like she is pretty expensive to have in your home so may not be to much more expensive to find her a suitable place. Then you will have distance and can enjoy her. All of you may benefit from the space from each other. I hope all works out. If you are always running on empty there isn't much left to give. You have to have time for yourself and that is okay. God Bless
Polarbear, Contact Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) and apply for benefits for her. You will have to prove her income and bank account but, if she's within the range (under $2000. in the bank), she will get assistance. They will take her Social Security check to help pay for her custodial care. Medicare and Social Security don't cover assisted living or memory care (any "custodial" care). They would cover medically needed care for a certain period of time. You may not be able to choose which facility she would live in.
Oh Angel I sent you a hug the other day. I was hoping things were going better for you. Sorry about your husband. Looks like I gave Sue a hug on her page too. Everybody needs one!😃
I am so worn out with my Mother .....I'm at the end and on my knees metaphorically speaking. I'm too tired to type, I'm trying to run my own home, look after my Mother who lives just 100 yards away, help with my three granddaughters who live 150 yards away, help with my son who has mental health difficulties ...there's not much more I can take. Sometimes all it needs is to write on a forum like this to help wind down a bit. Very sorry for moaning, we're all in the same boat on here and I send love to you all coping with the nightmare of Alzheimers (my Mother has vascula dementia as well) ....help isn't forthcoming from anywhere, well ....it is, at a price.
Barbara, I think that when you feel like this, you owe it to yourself and to mom to take a step back.
1. What are her needs?
2. What are her resources?
HER resources, not yours, should be paying for her care. Does she have Medicaid? Have you applied for her? Have you explored, with your local Area Agency on Aging what help she is entitled to?
If you crash and burn, who will there be to take care of your mom?
I hope that this doesn't come across as harsh, but rather as a loving hand reached out across the distance. Happy Thanksgiving!!
BarbaraHelen, As I see it, you need to put your priorities in order. Your first responsibility is to your mate, then your children, then your mother. It sounds like you are taking on too much. You need to cut back and you need to include yourself in the care. You're going to burn out soon with so much work. It's a common thing to "snap". I did when I spanked my mother's fingertips after she threw a sandwich at me. Poor dear, she's just about 95 and going into stage 7 Alzheimer's but I'd had it that day and "lost it". That's when I knew she could no longer live with us. (She was cursing and hitting my husband also plus many other reasons.
Don't get to the point (if you're not there already) of falling apart. Have you checked into Assisted Living for your Mom? You must do something for yourself soon. Please take a break, then explore options to change your situation.
I so know what you are going through! My father passed away in 2010 and my mom was always very dependent on him and now depends on me for everything. Her dementia got pretty bad in 2012 and also became extremely depressed. She doesn't want strangers in her home so getting outside help or respite will be difficult. I have 3 brothers who haven't shown any interest in offering any help. This is extremely difficult for me because I also have a diagnosis of major depression. My mom can be so mean to me sometimes and I know she doesn't mean to be but it doesn't lessen the pain.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If I hear one more time, "There's itching powder in my hair, clothes, bed, etc., I think I'll scream. Same with, "I have a terrible headache", "Where's Lorraine?" (her sister but often confused for her daughter) and "I just want to die." I've tried to ignore the incessant questions and griping by turning off my hearing and not responding.
It hurts to hear that she believes that her daughter (me) hates her but she doesn't like her either. Actually, she believes that everyone hates her and many have physically harmed her. Most of the "perpetrators" have hit her over the head with a baseball bat! Good Lord! One used a hammer and broke her hand (She fell at the memory care facility and broke her wrist.)
She is in stage 6 but it has been vastly different than I thought it would be. I was hoping for a happy, confused little old lady, jabbering and picking at things. Oh no, I got a screaming, angry, combative woman with a bad attitude and a bad outlook on everything. It's easy for her order us around, demanding what she wants and wanting it "right now". I have to explain that I'm doing something else for her and I'll get to her next request as soon as I can. She's very hard of hearing so it must be said in a loud voice. That part drives hubby mad. Aaaahhhh!
My best efforts to keep her awake during the day fail and she falls asleep on the couch after dinner. When I wake her to go to bed, you'd think she remain sleepy and just close her eyes in her bed. Not! We had to hire a night time c/g (4 nights a week) so we can get some sleep. Her agitation goes into hyperdrive and then she's screaming. I've had to put my hand over her mouth so the neighbors don't think we're killing her. She gets Ativan at night. I didn't really want to give the Seroquel due to not being recommended for the demented elderly but I have to. She gets so wound up and we all need to get some rest.
Unfortunately, she is unable to do anything except brush her teeth (with help). I have to steer her walker and have my arms under hers for unsteadiness. I've taken over cleaning her after bathroom usage due to having a UTI. I'm sure she caused it from poor hygiene.
She will eat 4 bites then "forget" to eat the rest, so I feed her. She can't assist with any portion of bathing, so 3 times a week, hubby and I get her in the shower and I wash everything. It's like having a huge newborn. She can't bend to sit down and can't stand up without maximum assist. She can't dress herself and does a poor job of brushing her hair. She can't read or watch TV due to hearing and concentration. I wish there was something I could have her do that would occupy her, keep her awake and be something she would enjoy, (if she's able to enjoy anything).
I dream of bedtime (4 nights a week) to escape this drudgery and mind numbing job. I don't begrudge her the care but the incessant questions would try the patience of Job. I awaken to another day of the same. There are no "sweet moments" with us. I wish I could change my attitude. Fortunately hubby works from home and is available at any time.
If only things were different. :(
Thanks for letting me gripe.
🏄🏻🌊 🌴 🍸😜🍸😀 🌴 ☀️
I think you need to look up the articles on this site to educate yourself as to what to expect concerning your mother's alzheimer's / dementia. It is going to get much worse and it already sounds like she is way beyond the ability of any one person to take care of her. Please find her a place where she can be safe and cared for.
I am currently researching places. Thank you. 😊
I'm right with you. It was WAY more than we thought. The anger, demands and confusion (repeating things hundreds of times a day), not to mention the physical work of picking her up, bathing her, feeding her and helping her walk just got to be too much for us "old folks". We caved in after 2 months. It's really not a livable situation. (I swear her dementia got much worse after moving in with us.)
We placed her in another memory care facility, much closer to us, on Friday. I am so sad and guilty but immensely relieved also. The home situation was beginning to affect my relationship with my husband because of my mother. Not worth bad feelings with the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I spent today returning the house to its "pre-dementia" state.
We will visit her for the first time tomorrow. I hope she's "settled in".
Gosh this isn't easy.
I am glad for you that you got your life back. I am dealing with my 81 y.o. mother who has Alzheimer. It is so hard. I am so stressed and so are my kids. I wanted to scream at her many times. Her memory is worse by the day. I don't know if I could take care of her till the end. I would like to know how you go about finfing a care facility for people with Alzheimer. My mother only receives social security. She doesn't have any money, and I don't have much. How much does it cost? Any information is greatly appreciated.
Contact Medicaid (Medi-Cal in California) and apply for benefits for her. You will have to prove her income and bank account but, if she's within the range (under $2000. in the bank), she will get assistance. They will take her Social Security check to help pay for her custodial care.
Medicare and Social Security don't cover assisted living or memory care (any "custodial" care). They would cover medically needed care for a certain period of time.
You may not be able to choose which facility she would live in.
Effecting my marriage as well. My husband is now having medical issues, possibly heart related. Much guilt thinking of placing her.
1. What are her needs?
2. What are her resources?
HER resources, not yours, should be paying for her care. Does she have Medicaid? Have you applied for her? Have you explored, with your local Area Agency on Aging what help she is entitled to?
If you crash and burn, who will there be to take care of your mom?
I hope that this doesn't come across as harsh, but rather as a loving hand reached out across the distance. Happy Thanksgiving!!
As I see it, you need to put your priorities in order. Your first responsibility is to your mate, then your children, then your mother. It sounds like you are taking on too much. You need to cut back and you need to include yourself in the care.
You're going to burn out soon with so much work. It's a common thing to "snap". I did when I spanked my mother's fingertips after she threw a sandwich at me. Poor dear, she's just about 95 and going into stage 7 Alzheimer's but I'd had it that day and "lost it". That's when I knew she could no longer live with us. (She was cursing and hitting my husband also plus many other reasons.
Don't get to the point (if you're not there already) of falling apart. Have you checked into Assisted Living for your Mom? You must do something for yourself soon. Please take a break, then explore options to change your situation.