Just need to vent.
My MIL passed away two weeks ago after a short stint in a nursing home under the care of hospice. She lived a long (94), healthy life and lived independently until the last year. She was miserable to her three sons and their wives. Her daughter seemed to be relatively close, but there seems that there was a falling out the past few years. This is not a close knit family by any stretch. Sister made all the necessary arrangements for cremation and now they will have a short, small service at the graveside. She will be buried with my FIL. Now we find out we will be responsible for half of the cost. Brother #3 has little extra cash on hand but went above and beyond by having her live with him for six months (at which time she would verbally abuse my SiL) and sister never steps up for anything. MiL was on Medicaid the last year and claimed bankruptcy (2nd time) just prior to her application.
I know my husband has to step up and see this through as his 2nd brother has been floating his mom for years......purchasing her a car, etc. He payed for his dad's funeral twenty years ago. He has no children and lives very comfortably. It would not be fair to expect him to burden the full cost of this as well. That being said, I am resentful that no planning was done on her part at all. Frivolous spending was her only concern.....and taking what she could from her sons. Although we can afford to do this, it will come at a cost. I am retired and my husband is 72 and still works.....we are trying to "bank" as much as we can so we might be able to enjoy some time together before we are too old to do so. I just think the lack of responsibility to take care of ones own needs when capable is selfish......but then again she knew someone would step up and do what is necessary. I know it's not really my place to say anything but up to my husband to do what he needs to do. I'm just really frustrated at this point. And angry. Defiantly angry.
I did push back a little on the cremation but that’s because at the time, I was highly annoyed with my BIL for sitting in his azz and not taking care of anything. I told my husband that he shouldn’t have had to pay anything and that they could wait while BIL probated the will and got access to the bank account. The estate was valued at less than $2500 so he would have gotten access to the bank account pretty fast. My husband felt obligated to pay because it was his dad! If this had been my MIL who raised him, I wouldn’t have questioned it at all. It would have been a non-issue, I wouldn’t have pushed back on anything. The only part of the funeral trip I pushed back on was the RV. We wouldn’t have saved that much money by going in the RV with everyone else because we still would have had to stay in a hotel and get a rental car. And we would have had to help cover my BILs share since he didn’t want to pay his own way as usual. We made a vacation out of it despite the circumstances so it was worth it to go. I just resent having to pay $500 toward the cremation.
My daughter is from my first marriage adopted by my now DH. Her father gave up his parental rights so my DH could adopt her. From that day forward he had nothing to do with her. He died at 69 from heart failure. He lived as a hermit and looked like one. The coroner thought he was homeless. He was cremated but still sitting on a shelf at the funeral home. His sister was able to get access to his bank accounts and left with the money. Daughter can't afford to pay for the cremation and shouldn't. He lived the way he wanted to and had no right to ask her for help.
I think all the children, but the brother who paid for Dads funeral, should share in the cost. A cremation and graveside service couldn't have mounted to as much as a casket funeral. Cremation here is $2300. Cost to open grave is high. If minister present, a donation. Maybe it can be done by scale. Everyone putting in what they can afford.
I have a SIL that "assumes" when it comes to money and helping Mom. She felt that we should all (3 of us) send Mom money each month after Dad died. I told her lets see if she can make it on what she gets. Which she did. But at Christmas when I suggested to SIL that money would be nice so Mom could shop for what she needed, she preferred to send tops that Mom would never have worn and didn't. They were in a drawer when I cleaned out never washed or worn. Birthdays and Mother Days were sketchy. A lot of the time Mom received nothing. No card, no gift, no money. My Dad said to me once that he didn't care about himself (he never received anything either) but Mom deserved a lot more from her boys. I was the only one who thought about them. So it got me when she said we all should send something to Mom monthly. By the way, I am the oldest and retired for the last 8 yrs, DH 10. My SIL is 11 yrs younger than me my brother 7. They both work.
so yeah I am still resentful over the whole thing.