That's my new motto. "A life was sacrificed, so that another could have a life". My father died when I was 15 years old and that dictated the path that my life would take. My life long duty was to care for my mother. Here I am at 54 years of age and I am still doing it. I never married and have lived with my mother all my life. It was not bad when my mother was younger, but now I cannot do anything. My mother does not want me out of her sight. She is 88 years old and in not good health. I get no help from my sisters. As a matter of fact, I recently "told off" my oldest sister for not helping. She is retired and took on another job and claims she has no free time, even though she is off on weekends. I had to quit my job to care for my mother. I told my sister that she should have quit working and let me continue to work. Her answer was that I could have put my mother in a home......this coming from my sister who has said she fears ending up in a rest home when she gets older, but it's okay for her to say to put our mother in a home. I told her when my mother dies that I will never have anything to do with her again. My sister sees how my life is.....the 24/7 servitude to my mother and I get no help. I get no breaks. No one will help on a weekend to let me get some fresh air. I have told my mother when I die....I will probably become a saint for all that I go through and all that I have done. I told my mother that I have given up my life....so that she could have a life. She does not care about my life.....as long as I was there for her all those years is all that she wanted. Whats happens to me in the end? I've sacrificed so much. Is this fair to me?
She may fuss and fume, but really the power is yours. And your financial situation will enable you to subcontract her care - morally we are only obligated to help parents in cases of destitution and that does NOT mean they get to decide how basic help if provided. Get started on your own life today - it will be wonderful, though you may need some time to adjust and experiment. You won't regret it.
The only answer is pull up those big boy pants and figure out what is the healthiest way forward for both him and Mom
For those who discount the emotional issues of anyone because they have money, remember money does not buy happiness, perhaps some people without money cannot see that.
When you can identify with someone else because they have problems similar to you, that is a selfish sort of relating. When you can see the pain in someone whom you can not understand that is true compassion and I hope someday you can afford yourself some true compassion.
I find it very hurtful that a number of people initiated a pile on when the poster identified financial status. If you read the posts in order the tone immediately changed. I suspect some of that is based on envy.
Shame on those, I hope you find more compassion than you give.
Sincerely,
L
You do have options but it seems you are mired in misery and need help climbing out of the ditch to take action. A good therapist can guide you and help you change the dynamic in your relationship with mom. Start getting out of the house daily. If your mom can't be left alone, get in-home care for a portion of each day so you can go for a walk, join a gym, go to the movies, etc.
It is not rational for you to tell your sister not to work because you chose to quit your job and you're angry. It is not rational for you to tell your mother she has stolen your life (that's pretty cruel). With the right counselor/therapist/psychologist, you have someone to help you sort through your feelings of helplessness so you can plan for the rest of your life. The more honest you are in therapy, the more the therapist can help you. He/she must have the truth: the good, bad and ugly, not just the part about how awful your mother was to steal your life. Good luck.
"It figures........the son / daughter 'caregiver'.....gets screwed-over again......be good boys and girls......take care of your parents.....regardless.......go to any lengths to 'honor thy father and mother'.......and drive yourself nuts in the process......let your health suffer and quit your job and go broke and land in the poorhouse......yes.......being a 'caregiver' is just great!
My Mother had to go to a nursing home, after my sister died. My Mother is currently flourishing. Go figure.
The active voice version would be "I sacrificed my life ..."
I think this passive attitude is significant. You seem to think that what you are doing is controlled by some other force. And maybe that is true. Maybe you have been so thoroughly "brain washed" or "programmed" by you mother that you really have lost control.
Therapy can help you take control of your own life!
Many people have suggested this, and I have not seen your response to that suggestion. Have you ever tried it? Will you try it now?
"I could never leave because I'm in this for life." Really. Who made that decision? YOU.
"I just have too much goodness in me." No, what you're describing isn't 'goodness' it's masochistic and downright dumbness.
"....almost like that was a 'sentence' imposed on me." Yes. A 'sentence' imposed by YOU, nobody else.
"It was very hard to have a normal life under my circumstances." No shit!
"Yes, my lifestyle is very unhealthy, but It has become "normal" to me because this is all I know." Then take some of that money you say you've got and LEARN something different... like with a therapist.
"Even at the age of 88 she wants control and has not softened up one bit.....she will argue and fight back. I cannot go outside to get the mail without her worrying.......cannot do any yard work for any length of time. If on the rare occasion I go to the store without her......" Walk away, CHOOSE not to listen, and keep on keepin' on exactly what you were doing anyway. What's she going to do? Kick your ass?
"How would any of you like to stay home almost all of the time being a 24/7 caregiver and not being able to do anything that you want to do or to have any friends to go places with." I lived housebound, in prison, 24/7 with my own mother the last 5 years. And I'm not the only one around here, and neither are you.
"My mother shows no mercy to me." Neither did mine when she was mentally sound. Tell her to piss off.
" If I mention anything about this then my mother goes into a rage with me." **Yaaaawn** Oh, another rage. Big deal. Tell her to piss off and scream at the walls, as you walk out the door.
"She sometimes go into her bedroom and lock herself in when we "argue". Oh, thank GOD! Peace at last! Yay!!!! :D
" but I'm a saint" No, you're not. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I can think of a lot of things you are, but I'm working on my diplomacy.
" It not healthy being around another person 24/7....." Well, at least you got one thing right.
"Again, my mother expects this......it's her way or nothing" And? Your point? Who allows it? YOU do. Who lied to you and said you had to toe the line?
"As long as I'm her for her until she dies......that is all that matters to her." Piss on ALL such toxic people.
" I cannot build any relationship because my life is taken." No, it wasn't 'taken.' It was GIVEN. By YOU.
Roscoe, I avoid guys like you like the plague, and I don't give a tinker's damn how much money they've got. Nobody is going to make ME 100% responsible for their happiness, or their misery, it's too great a burden. We're each responsible for OURSELVES. Wake up and smell the roses.
In a word "No". Your mother cannot see all you do and sacrifice for her. If that is the reward you are waiting for, you will never get it. Your mother is not emotionally healthy - seems very narcissistic to me. You would benefit from looking up the site "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers", as it applies to sons of narcissistic mothers too. You will find much there that applies to you and your mother and the way she interacts with you, and the way you interact with her. She is using and abusing you, and you will get no thanks from her. My mother is all the things you describe of yours, but I don't allow her to control my life. You do have choices and I suspect you have a lot of anger and guilt which are tying you to your mother. I do not see you as a saint at all. God's instruction is to love others as ourselves. I do not see that balance in your relationship with your mum. I do not see you loving yourself. You say you argue with her. She will not ever, nor can she, see things as you see them. A narcissist is a bottomless pit of need who will engulf and enmesh anyone who allows it, and who has no gratitude for what others do for them. That is what you are dealing with. I am sorry that you are in this situation and I am sorrier that you continue to stay, looking for the appreciation that you will never get. Facing/accepting that you will never get it would be one good step. No amount of arguing or sacrificing on your part will make your mother into the mother you want and need. Many of us here have the same loss in our lives. It is sad.
A woman left her home and moved from Chicago to California to be with her mom who had cancer. She decided she needed to do it. She sold most all of her beloved books in order to do it. But she was not a victim. She took a good hard look at her values and though she valued books and education, she valued family and compassion more. She COULD HAVE driven to California ruminating and bitter about having given up her Chicago home and job and her books, but she didn't because the choice she made had to do with her own values and her own sense of self.
Yah, her Mom is probably much nicer.
But, that's not the point.
You ain't a saint if you make your choices grudgingly and bitterly and even try to pretend they aren't choices...and especially if you want everyone to pat you on the back and tell you we agree what a saint you are. When you have done good in public to glorify yourself, like a certain Pharissee mentioned in the Gospels, you have had your reward. You thought maybe Mom would give you gratitude and it ain't gonna happen; you thought maybe we would all keel over in admiration of your noble sacrifice, and because too many of us have been there done that, and shredded the T-shirt, that's not going to happen either. You ain't a saint. Most of us aren't either. We may have loved and sacrificed for our parents or other loved ones, made good decisions and bad, and struggled with them, but not too many of us think of ourselves as perfect people, just real live hurting people in real tough situations who may be able to give and receive help and support.
If you want to try stepping down off the pedestal and admit you are a human being with a demanding, difficult mom to care for, I bet being on here can help you. I think maybe you can do it, or I would not even bother writing again. Somewhere under the layer of BS you have been feeding yourself and us there is a man who wants a real life. And to be a REAL saint, you have to get real and have a real life.