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I feel like I shouldn't complain, some of you guys on here have it REALLY tough with mentally and/or physically ill parents. I am lucky, my 81 yo mom is healthy and active. That's part of the problem, really. My wife and I are very much loners, always have been. Our best 'date' night is steaks and a movie - at home - and we like it that way. That's why we get along so well, we are both introverted and extroverts make us a little crazy. I don't think we realized that Mom would talk, 24/7, about anything and everything that enters her mind. "Time to make some coffee now!"; "Guess I'm going to have a banana!"; "Going out to get the mail!"...that sort of thing. In addition to this, she's VERY passive aggressive. We are accustomed to saying what we think when we think it, asking for what we want when we want it, and are very unused to someone forever asking "Wouldn't you guys like it better if the coffee maker were over HERE?" "Wouldn't it help you if I would organize under your sink?". This is constant and we are about to go crazy. NO, we like the coffee maker where it is, thanks and NO we don't need our shelves 'organized', thanks. Our new constant phrase is "No mom, thanks, we don't need for that to be done". We have tried to make her feel useful by mentioning some things she CAN do to help, but that is usually met with resistance. She's also wanting us to go places and do things with her that we just have no interest in. She lived alone prior to this and went out on her own all the time to make friends and be social. Keep in mind that she is completely physically able to be out by herself, so that's not the issue...would be a different story if she weren't. Sorry for the rant but we could really use some advice from anyone who has experienced a similar problem. We HAVE tried to talk with her, nicely, about how we just really like to be left alone most of the time and she says that is a "cold" and "unnatural" way to live. Uuggghhh. Nooooo, not for us it isn't. No children living with us, I'm 46 and my wife is 60. She has grown kids living in another state, I do not have children so at least that's not an issue! Again. .sorry for the rant.

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I think assisted living place would be good idea.
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It's certainly reasonable to feel "nuts". Besides all the "momisms" to deal with, you're also adjusting to having a roommate! I sense that you are a caring person and I'm sure with time you'll find a system that works for your new threesome. Hang in there and take care.
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Thanks Bunnybill, I do really try to keep that mindset. (I'm her little girl, btw. Lol. But I do have a wife nonetheless. :-) ). My wife does remind me rather often that Mom is doing what she does out of love, but she drives her nuts too! I'll say again that just being able to complain about it without hearing silly things like "you'll miss it when she's gone" (well DUH, we ALL know that!!) has been such a help. Everyone has been so kind and helpful, we sure appreciate it!
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You're an independent adult capable of running your own life without Mom's constant suggestions and comments. She is a Mom, so to her no matter how old you are, you will always be her little boy. She will never stop wanting to connect with you, help you and wish for "what she thinks" is best for you. She loves you almost more than her heart can hold. As someone who is both a Mom and an adult child with a family living together with Dad I kind of see both sides. I've learned to try and remember that all of the constant questions and chatter are usually a misguided attempt to either help or connect with you. It's difficult I know, but we have found that short, calm reminder talks can help. Be careful not to accuse and remind her of what a competent son she's raised and that whatever her issue is you've got it handled. Also don't hesitate to ask for her opinion sometimes so she still feels important to you. This problem will never go away, maternal love runs deep, but it can become more manageable. I take a lot of deep breaths and remind myself "Dad loves me and he means well" this seems to help me from going completely insane sometimes and also venting with a trusted friend helps me to get the situation back into perspective again. I hope this helps. Good luck.
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You're an adult and have done perfectly fine for many years w/o Mom's constant questions and advice. She's a Mom so for her, no matter how old you get, you'll always be her little boy. She will never lose the desire to help you, connect with you or want "what she thinks" is best for you. She loves you almost more than her heart can hold. I know this because I'm a Mom too. Try to remember that she's not questioning your choices but it's her way of trying to help you as misguided as it is. My other suggestion would be short, calm conversations about how you appreciate her wanting to help, but she raised a smart man and you've got whatever it is handled. This will be a reacurring discussion, I also know this from being an adult with a family and living with my Dad who I love, but drives me crazy for the same reasons your Mom does you. It does get better, but it will never go away because of her maternal love for you. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that though she is a pain in the neck she truly means well and is coming from a place of love. I hope this helps a bit. Good luck.
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Thanks ramiler - I am betting you are right. I feel silly even complaining at all, but figured this was a safe forum to do so. "Getting it out" is half the battle. Thanks everyone for listening and commenting!
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My suggestion would be to hire a companion to show her around this new town and activities in which she might could be involved. A male companion would be great. 😀
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Just like newly weds at first feel clumsy around their new roomie, so too with bring someone new into your established home. I bet in time ( 3 months is not long) all of you will settle in just fine. It takes time to learn anothers buttons if you will and not continue to push them. You and your wife know the ropes but mom is still learning. Give her time. She will make new friends be out and about more and will come to find her place. Its tough mixing two adult households because once we are grown we are set in our ways. Keep in touch and like I said I bet in 6 months the house will be much more settled.
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Thanks GardenArtist, I will check that out! Also, susan54, you are correct!
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They all need a purpose to live. But when they move in with you they expect you to be the purpose. You are already being driven "crazy" and it only gets worse over time. If they are able, then when they have to do it for themselves, it really does help them the most. My mother quit doing anything for herself...
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Tgengine is another poster who works from home and has been adapting to having his father with him and his wife.

His profile is:

https://www.agingcare.com/Members/tgengine

If you have some spare time, you might want to read some of his posts, before his father came, what the concerns are, when his father arrived, how the situations changed and most recently of other issues with which he's dealing.
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Thanks everyone, this all really helps! We realize how lucky we are to have her healthy, and we are glad she is here - don't get me wrong about that. We just sometimes want to pull our hair out!!! We do have earphones (the wireless ones) and she does get it that when they're on, we're busy. She knows full well she talks all of the time, even jokes about it sometimes. So she knows, just isn't interested in changing it. Good idea to schedule "social time". Meals don't really work since DW works nights, we don't actually have your typical bkfst/lunch/dinner times....but we could schedule an alternate time. Tesoro12 said it well when it's like we're always on edge waiting for the next interruption. We have hid out in our room, too. Lol. I think Rainmom hit the nail on the head - some people, like my mom, find silence awkward and want to fill it with idle chatter. We are completely on the other end of the spectrum. When DW and I met, she said something to the effect of "It's so nice, I can be alone when I'm with you" and I totally got it. Chitter chat drives us crazy...discussion is one thing but just on and on and on about nothing is maddening. DW's sister is the same way - it was awesome when both her sister and my mom were here at the same time. They talked talked talked each other to death the whole time and we didn't even have to say a word, or even listen! Great suggestions everyone, thank you so much. Like I say, just being able to discuss it is helpful.
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can so appreciate what you are going through. Dh and I are also very quiet and it would drive me nuts to have that peace and quiet interrupted all the time, especially by my mom's constant chattering. I would always be on edge waiting for the next interruption.

I see this as two situations: your work time and the general  "living" time. Work really needs to be respected and she needs to be told to "pretend I'm  not even here". I don't remember if your office has a door, but if so, close it and the instruction to "don't knock unless the place is burning down" would be appropriate. Wearing headphones - not earbuds, the wireless headphones she can see (whether or not you're actually using them) - would also go a long way toward maintaining your 'cone of silence' even if you step out of the office for a bit.

For general coexisting, it will be trickier. She's been there a while and doesn't seem to be picking up on whatever social cues you and spouse are demonstrating that make it clear you prefer quiet. If that's case, you might have to actually say something if you want things to change. Something like, "Mom, we love you, but we like a quiet house and we really need our down time together. We'd really appreciate it if you just enjoy the peace and quiet with us instead of talking so much.

I like the suggestion of having some time where you DO talk, such as meals, so that she gets a chance to speak and be social, participate in the household, and basically 'get it out of her system', so she'll be more able to enjoy her quiet time too.

Good luck. You're blessed that she is healthy, active, and very social to begin with, and that you have such a good relationship going into this.
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A lockoff door is the kind they use at resorts and hotels to separate two rooms.
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GardenArtist has a good point about the ability to recognize what working from home looks like - probably not a lot of that done in her day. My brother use to work for a well known computer/software developer. He worked in product development and was one of those geeks that just thinks stuff up. When ideas hit, they hit and he worked in his home office at all hours. It became an issue in his marriage that his wife would just walk in and start talking - throwing my brother completely off his train of thought. The only way that they came to deal with it was that when he was in there no one was allowed to even knock on the door - unless the house was on fire or the like. Maybe it's a boundary you could start from?
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I think you might inadvertently be encouraging her by "waiting it out." She may have no clue from that action/inaction that you're not interested in a discussion.

Perhaps you could borrow from what used to be a kindergarten practice - talk, play, then rest time. Create times when you socialize, such as at breakfast, then perhaps at lunch and at dinner. Other times are either work or quiet times.

And for someone who either has been out of the work force for awhile, or wasn't ever in it, she may not understand or realize that when you're in your office, chatting isn't on the agenda.

I'm wondering if she really has any idea how you and your wife feel about the talking?
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Well, bummer! It's such a wonderful thing when us loners can find someone we can sit in silence with and be perfectly content! Our adult son who lives at home is autistic and completely non-verbal, hours can pass at our house without a word being spoken. I guess simply not replying to mom doesn't work? Some people find silence awkward and uncomfortable and seem to chatter all the more to fill the space. Can you and your wife hide out in your room for a while - in an effort to get your mom to develope some new routines on her own?
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We are in southern Texas. Mom is as physically fit as a 60 year old and goes to Silver Sneakers a few times a week. She has lived alone for 8 years (and did so for many years before meeting my step dad in 1997 or so) and spens her alone time playing her piano keyboard (which she brought and still plays) reading, etc. She has been here since Thanksgiving. We did try to let her know she can just go ahead and do things. We are not really trying to find things for her to do, rather, whenever she is in the room with us she seems to need to talk talk talk all of the time, whether is announcing what she is doing or giving us detailed information on all of her friends. If we are watching a movie for example, during one of our rare opportunites to do so, we need to pause it and wait while she comes through talking every 20 minutes. She has her rooms so jam packed we could never fit even a dorm fridge. I acually suggested that "for convenience" and she said she prefers to come out so we can visit. Lol. These visits consist of us not saying a word and just waiting it out.
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I've been thinking about your situation. How long has your mom been there? It occurs to me that maybe the constant announcing of intent might stem from feeling a little uncomfortable in her new environment and not wanting to step on toes. Announcing that she's going to make coffee or get a banana is a way of "getting permission" to do so and this could pass in time. You might try telling her next time she makes such an announcment "mom, you don't need to tell us every time your going to do something, this is your home now - just go ahead and do it". Also, while a mini kitchen install isn't in the cards could you set up a small area with a mini fridge and small microwave like they do in dorm rooms?
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Okay sansem, I got it. Sorry for being a little slow on the up-take. You want mom there but keeping busy with her own thing. I totally get where you are coming from in regards to yours and your wifes life style. My hubby and I are the same - not introverts but kind of loners in our way, two loners who by miracle found each other. So how to keep mom busy? Can you say what state you live in to get an idea of climate? Also, when she lived on her own how did she spend time that did not involve socialization? How physically fit is mom? What type of setting do you live in - rural, urban etc?
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ROFLMAO Mincemeat, you just gave me a laugh. Not laughing AT your comment of course. However, the backstory is that my mother started crocheting me an afghan about 15 years ago. Finally gave it to a friend to complete and got it to me a couple of years ago. Our dog promptly tore it apart. So...she sent it back to same friend to repair. That was about four years ago. I still don't have it back. Lol. She really is very resourceful in finding things to do, the problem is when she's HERE. You guys are giving me a new attitude though, and making me appreciate the things she DOES do to help. I wasn't feeling well today and she asked if I needed anything from the store. I said sure, if she didn't mind. She's thrilled to go to help us out. I gave her a list about a mile long! Win/win. :-)
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Does she do any crafts? Could you buy her a box of yarn and a pattern and ask her to crochet you an afghan? Does she do well with kids? Sounds like she would love to read books to kids at the library! She needs a couple of senior friends to go to the movies and play cards with!

I can see how her constant asking could wear you down!
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And also sorry for all of the posts but what's a lockoff unit exactly?
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Oh - and sorry to whomever asked - yes she drives and is out and about most days at least for a little while.
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Great idea about the sign on the office door! And yes, part of the problem is her coming into the kitchen a lot. Reconfiguration is not doable at the moment due to expense. Another problem is that we were going to install a door to her 'wing' (it's really not that grandiose, don't want to come off sounding pompus) but she says it will make her claustrophobic. We have a (nice looking) gate that we have installed as a temporary to keep the dogs out of there but it clangs open and shut 20 times a day.

Honestly, just saying all of this is helping. A big problem I have is that the two people closest to me aside from my wife I can't talk to about all of the complaints I have. One, my best friend since high school, just lost here mom a few months ago and she is grieving terribly. The other is my cousin, my mom's sister's daughter. My mother and she are very close and she's sad that mom moved cross country to be with me, so can't complain to HER. I appreciate just being able to get it all out. It honestly helps!
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Put a sign on your office door that says "Unless the house is burning down do not disturb."

You and your wife cannot control your mother...physically or psychologically. The problem I see with her accommodations is that she doesn't have a kitchenette, which brings her into your kitchen whenever she wants a banana or coffee. Is there space in her living area for a Pullman kitchen? Can you reconfigure her wing into a lockoff unit? Lockoffs are great because whether you want the door open or privacy it's easy.

Maybe I missed it but does your mother still drive?
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Maybe I wasn't clear. We already did all of the research into IL and AL facilities in the area. Toured them. They are lovely. But they are also expensive and we just purchased a house with room for her. She is the LEAST lonely person I know. She is active on social media and keeps in contact with friends around the world. She is also out and about here playing bridge, exercising, etc. This was a well thought out and difficult decision and we didn't make a 'huge mistake' that needs to be rectified. Thank you, sendme2help, that's the kind of input I'm looking for. The situation is what it is, we just are looking for any suggestions on how to manage it. It might help to know that I am an only child and was raised primarily by her after my father died when I was aged 8. She still is in that mode where she needs to 'take care of me' and I understand that. I need suggestions on how to ease her into a situation where she is our "housemate" and learn to respect our adult lives as they are. She has two full rooms (bed and living) and her own bathroom that she can do with whatever she pleases.
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She sounds so lonely! I agree that touring some senior living places would be a good idea.
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You have every right to expect privacy in your office. Make it off-limits.
Spring is coming, set her up with a garden-and a garden companion to help her. You all will adjust. This is doable.
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Sansnems - I certainly can't see that you have offended anyone. To better offer fitting suggestions to help, commenters may be asking questions in hopes of understanding the "big picture". For my two cents I agree with Pamstegma. Independent Living could be a great fit for your mother. I know it took a lot of work getting mom moved in but being as at her age she is unlikely to change - a perhaps even get more clingy and dependent on you, wouldn't it be worth the effort to move her into IL if that could solve your problem? Do some homework and find a couple nice retirement communities in your area. Tour them and if you think it's an even remote possibility mom would like it - take her for a tour. Maybe mom just needs to see one up close and in action to erase any nursing home type fears. The one my mom lived in was so posh I actually hope that if it comes down to it - I can live in a place like that. Small putting golf course, health spa with pool and state of the art equipment, hair salon, art studio with classes, movie theater - and not a dinky one either, coffee shop, ice cream store, on site bank, non denominal church, two restaurants/dining room, housekeeping, bus trips to the beach, casino, symphony, museums, botanical gardens...I could go on and on. All the ladies I saw who lived there took pride in their appearance and looked fabulous. They lunched, played bridge, had book clubs - did that Red Hat thing. Are you sure that type of life couldn't temp a social butterfly like your mom?
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