Dear ones,
I posted a long drawn out message to you all several months ago about my Mom and what to do, my Mom refusing to go any where! EVER!!!! wanting to stay put in her home..her depressing, dark house..she could not even cook or drive let alone barely walk..and I mean barely.
My post consisted of being angry with my Mom about her not wanting to go to Assisted Living, how she was so isolated and not wanting to talk to any one. Her disability is mobility..falling, and being over sedated with xanex.
Well, I have great news.
On Aug 26th my husband and I successfully placed her in a wonderful Assisted Living.
She has a very small apartment in a B facility (B means that most of the people in the facility have mobility issues, if there was a fire then by law they would have to be able to get out of the building with assistance) A facilities are much different, they are usually multilevel.
I was in shock when my Mom agreed to go have lunch with us to meet with the Director and talk.... it took some reasoning and just saying to her, "Mom this is killing me to do this, I do not want to, but for your safety and for my health we must check it out. period at the end of that sentence. Inside, I was dying, I was angry, afraid..every emotion you could think of.
She knew that I could no longer take care of her due to my Fibromyalgia and Migraines.
At one time she told me that my Dad would turn over in his grave if he knew I was placing her in Assisted Living. I replied, MOM, he would NOT.
Thing is, she had no idea it could be as wonderful as it is.
My Mom is NOT a social butterfly..and has always been a loner. She was married to my Dad for 60 years until his sudden and painful death...
Always depending on him for every thing because of her challenges with her health.
She just wanted to stay in her dark house and have me come over and make her meals..but it came to the point where I could not do it any longer..my husband and I moved one door away from them when my Dad got sick, he only lived three months after we moved, and we took care of my Mom for one year after his death...it got to be where I wanted to crawl back to my house due to the physical pain I was having.
She would use her walker to go the bathroom, but only part time.. She would depend on my husband pushing her on her walker seat..I couldnt do it, I was too weak...and she fell several times during that year.. She weighs 210lbs and I weigh 95lbs so there was no way I could lift her, we would have to call EMS every time.
Her quality of life was going down fast!!!!
I have two siblings, they live in different states and do not do any thing to help.
So, on Aug 26th was her first day in her Assisted Living, she was not jumping up for joy, but she knew deep down that this is the way it had to be.
BY the way, it was murder in my heart having to place her..I did NOT want to! I expressed to her several times over that yr. how I myself was going down hill.
Now, she LOVES it, she has meal mates, breakfast,lunch and dinner..she loves them, oh my goodness, the things they talk about are NO different then the things We talk about...life, politics, all kinds of things...like they are back in high school!
not immature..but just stimulating for their brains. She also gets her hair set every week. Medicare does pay for her Doctor to come in and visit her, and the nurses from a facility. Assisted livings have a nurse but they are there to over see residents and make sure things are going smooth medically with them. There are Med Techs that dispurse meds to the residents if that is a need. Medicare and her Tricare does not pay for her assisted Living, she does have savings and also a paycheck come in every month from my dads social sec and his Military pay, even though the pay in half then what they made, she can still make the pmts. We are in the process of selling her house so that will help save money on her part.
I am shocked this has turned out the way it has!!!!!
She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, it is contained in one of her breast and no where else, she is taking a pill for the treatment that has a high success rate.
Her attitude is amazing!
Never in a Million years would I of believed my Mom would adjust..would actually like her apartment.
EVER!!!!!!! Once we got all of her things in her apt. she realized this is MY home and I like it.. and she feels safe!!!! The staff are very good to her!!!!
She was one of the most private people I have known.
She still has her privacy..just that now, she is loved by the people there!
So, behind that dark cloud is the sun!
Note: I did check out several Assisted Living Facilities, I also went to my states Department of Aging, it helped. Very good website!
BEWARE: many places just want your money, ask the residents when you check it out, how they like their place of residents, how the food is..ask more then one.
God Bless every one here!
Thank you for reading this!
Best Regards,
Jan
Once Mama's mind is gone, you got no one on your side and the rest of the family in colusion with the managers makes a deal to keep grandma in the same place as long as we get rid of the one family member grandma can trust, will split the purse-strings together! I'm in litigation right now with a sister who broke the law by soliciting the mangers with a tape of me yelling at mom, who then broke the law by listening to it, deciding they were judge and jury and called adult protective services to stop me from giving 30 days notice and taking my mother to another assisted living. My sister is now trying to get conservatorship around my POA even though my mother doesn't speak to her in 7 years (she ripped mom off) I have had executor the the will since 1999 and inheritance of my mother's house as well, she is now claiming I harm my mother, withhold my mother's dog from her to punish my mother when she does something I disapprove of and ei ei o.
All she is doing is meddling and costing us a fortune in litigation/lawyer fees. BEWARE the predatory assisted living, can we say Holiday Retirement?! Beware!
Remember - It is federal law that every assisted living community is bound to: It is absolutely illegal for managers to divulge any personal information of the resident to any friends or family except to the Durable Power of Attorney. If they cross that line and essentially appoint themselves conservators of your parent, they are breaking assisted living federal confidentiality laws as well as the mandatory wording in the contractual leasing agreement that is required in all assisted living facility leases in the confidentiality clause.
I typed a long message for all then my computer freaked out and erased it all!
My Mom is in A.L in Cedar Park Texas. The cost is 3000 a mo with one step add on care of 350.oo. She does not qulify for V.A. her income is 400.oo too much to qualify. My Dad did leave her a savings and he did have a very good income she gets half of it, he served in the air force for 27yrs and was at the highest rank there was...so, he def. helped my Mom, Thank God! If not for that, I do not know what we would do!!!!!!
My heart is with all of you.
My mom does not have memory issues, small ones not large ones. She is very fortunate as 5 of her siblings did have memory issues, she came from a family of 10 and she is about the youngest and she is 81, so they have all passed.
I hope I have answered your questions, if you have more pls let me know xo
The costs can be high as you pointed out and all over the board depending on the facility and location. Please read "A Bitter Season" for more insight in costs, expectations and managing costs. Not affordable for everyone. Try to pick a place with graduated care so as their needs change, they can go to the next level without being forced out.
Thank you for your patience in reading this.
You don't mention group activities and that is good I think since forced participation would be unwelcome for many people except those who really need it for a clinical reason. I guess they don't do that in AL like they do in some nursing homes. He loves people, but often requires they treat him as the center of attention. I wonder if being in a group would bring some humility and reality to him regarding his own limitations. (he refuses to act responsibly, quite impulsively excercising etc in spite of his frailness, quite aggravating to his caregivers). I am, by the way, one of the "out of state" family members who 'do nothing to help". I listen, and worry from afar, and visit as often as I can, maybe every other month, and provide respite for a week once in a while. We all do what we can.