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Sallie, your sister sounds like a lunatic. On the bright side, it must be gratifying to know that whatever you did to her thirty years ago is still pissing her off.
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SusanA and Kazza...I know this is a weird suggestion, but how about a kiddie pool with a shower chair in it...you can pour the water over them directly. I know this is a long shot, but "improvise" has become my favorite word these days....I don't do this anymore as Mama is totally bedfast, but it actually works pretty well....just drag it outside and dump the water when you're done... I know it's a stretch....
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Sallie...wow...so mine is not the only one who does that??? must be a "guilt" thing. any major fight we ever had was when I would try to politely address the issue of non help from my sibling...and he would immediately BLAST me with stuff from the past and it 's always the same stuff over and over and over....we won't even go there of all the stuff he has done...I have seen others mention this too...must truly be a common "guilt" dynamic ....but you're so right...like they're 10 all over again...
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An e-mail feud between me and my sister because of her not helping out led her to start bringing up bad memories from 30 years ago. How sad of her to stoop so low to grasp at past behavior. What is she 10 again? Oh and she tattles to our mother! I wish she would grow up and fight fair. She's 49 and I'm 53.
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Tex – I hope your surgery was successful. Please do your best to REST after surgery. What is NOT critical, ignore. You need to give your body (inside/out) to heal. You don’t want to spend all those fears, money for your surgery – only to undo the positive results because you went back to caregiving too early.

Veronica – I think it’s a given. Anything to dealing with ‘nerves’ would be painful. I’m such a baby when it comes to anyone sticking a needle in my arm. What more a ‘nerve conduction test.’ Bring something to bite on hard when the pain gets bad… like they show on the old TV shows of Indian women doing when giving birth.

ABB – my father would have been like your father. Except fave sis would visit every weekend. And my dad had enough pride to feel ashame if she visited and he was stinky. Except towards the end, he wasn’t showering for about 3 weeks – before he had his stroke. He didn’t care that he was stinky – because he did NOT think he smelled. He would insist that he didn’t smell stinky. (His sense of smell is gone.) I don’t know how you can get your father to shower.

Dadshelper, sorry about your father's quick decline. I have no experience at all when it comes to COPD. Sorry....
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So sorry about you dad. There is nothing worse in life than watching your parent deteriorate and pass away.

I went through end stage kidney cancer with my dad. He's been gone 16 months now and not a day goes by that somehow I am reminded of him and what the end was like. He didn't start hospice until 2 maybe 3 days before he passed. Once he started that low dose morphine he was sleeping too much. I don't think he liked it very much. Like your dad, mine also furniture surfed. It's how he got from room to room. Surf from the couch to the table to door frame across counter top to toilet. He had one of those rolling chair/walker things but his legs were too week and he'd slip out of it so we nixted that one real quick.

Warning signs? There's a lot of info on that if you google it. I knew it was a matter of days/hours when his breathing became rattled. Also, the day before he passed it was as if he had renewed energy, shaved and all... he knew.

Coping was the hardest part. I wanted to make sure he had everything and anything he needed or wanted. Kept myself busily making his end as comfortable as possible and just didn't worry about coping. He was having a hard enough time coping without me being a pain. Just do your best..and let him know everything is going to be ok. Hopefully everything will be :)

Take good care of yourself.
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So my Dad is dwindling quickly. He hasn't been able to walk or even be able to sit down on the toilet due to pain in his legs. Hospice nurse has given us low dose morphine and now wants us to start prednisone, long acting morphine and a sleep aid as Dad says he doesn't sleep. Well, I beg to differ...dad sleeps most of the night except when he has to pee and he will get out of bed and fall asleep in his recliner within 20 minutes. He has fallen asleep within minutes of eating a meal! He has to hang onto all the walls and doorways just to make it 10 feet and he gets winded. He has end stage COPD if I forgot to mention and he seems to be dwelling on the fact that he will die. Hospice doc told him 6 months but I believe he only has a few weeks or months. He just cant control any bodily functions and he cant walk and I believe he is on his way out. I am worried about him as he doesn't tell me anything about how he is feeling and it frustrates me. Has anyone gone thru the end stage COPD with their family and can give me some idea of what the warning sings are and how I can cope? I would appreciate it!!
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I hear you, Allison & Kazzaa! Mom's back is still bothering her since we returned home on Sunday, and guess what the last day she showered was? Sunday. We are now approaching Thursday and no shower yet. We desperately need a walk-in shower installed, but can't afford it right now, and there's no help to be had for such home improvements unless we put a mortgage on the house, which we refuse to do. We may have to go back to a transfer bench in the tub, so that at least she can sit down and I can lift her legs into the tub (she has a shower chair right now).

The fans are blowing and air fresheners running at full tilt this week.
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Oh alison call the fire dept! ask them to hose him down! gosh mums depends are stinking the whole house out? i go in search to see where the stench is coming from? i remove the offensive article and put in the garbage OUTSIDE? i come back in and NO the smell is still there in this heat here its awful. A delivery guy came today i couldnt answer the door in case he called "health and safety"!!!!! Not funny yeh mum walks past me and i BARF! i have to tell her she smells now as "why not have a nice bath mum" aint working anymore! Oh god help us all!
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Interesting. I had nerve conduction tests before spinal surgery three years ago and it wasn't too bad. It felt weird, but not particularly painful.
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Tex good luck with your surgery tomorrow. hope it goes well and you have a good recovery.
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My not-so-important whine is that my dad who doesn't bathe regularly and doesn't tolerate air conditioning well is a bit stinky and gross right now from moderate summer heat. And he decided to lay (lie or lay...?) shirtless on the sofa in the living room all day yesterday and watch TV. Not a huge deal but once he went to bed I Febreezed that sofa from top to bottom and laid a sheet over it. He used to sit in a chair right in front of TV, I guess he found a new spot he likes. I'm just trying to contain his funk to certain areas of the house, if possible. His bedroom - former guest room - already STINKS after 4-5 months he's been in there, up from his former bedroom in basement that had to be remodeled. He also brings his cigarettes and smokes in living room now, too. :-/
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Veronica91 I had nerve conduction tests on my right hand you want HONESTY run for the hills!!!!!!!!!!! torture yeh but torture that youve agreed to so what does that make us!!
Sorry but i aint going to lie to you hold your breath and dont listen to the "BS" of imagining youre on a paradise island because youre NOT youre being tortured yeh i cried for my mummy! I mean come on when they say "uncomfortable" in any procedure that means excrutiating pain yes i had a small needle into the muscle of my hand i will hear you here over the atlantic "MUMMY" AND yes i have to have it again in October as im still in pain and the stupid neurologist (or masochist) couldnt find anything wrong!
Sorry but you did ask!!! LOL and goooooooood luck with that i wonder what youre whine will be tomorrow!!!!!
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Good thinking FF! but mum wont part with sh*t!
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Daughter52 i almost wet myself at your post i tell you im crying with the laugh oh its not funny but it IS!!! That is my mum a bit although i get to finish in the toilet!! Oh so funny! Gosh sometimes when mum really pisses me off i start talking to myself in the kitchen?? HELLO? i was trying for about an hour today to GET OUT but she comes and prattles on about this and that i need this dont forget that! I just screamed fk off not at her but on my own in the kitchen? i now have to close the back door as the neighbours could think im screaming this at her.
I hope you dont mind i will have to copy your post and send it to my brother he will get a right laugh from this although its extremely annoying to us but if we didnt laugh wed cry. I can be honest on here and say i think I AM ACTUALLY losing it!! My mind is gone its like living in LALA land like i said before am i "mad" to be doing this when i could be down the pub getting drunk with my friends???

Sorry V i know its serious sh*t but i laughed my head off here! Hugs!!
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Two whines today the first is that a long curved crack has appeared in my winshield. Luckily i have full glass insurance so it won't cost - just a nuisance.
Whine nuber two is that i have to have nerve conduction tests tomorrow. never had anything to do with these but my research says some people find them uncomfortable. I do know they stick needles into your muscles and and apply repeated electric shocks to see if they get tired. isn't this called torture?????????????
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Anticipating a visit to MIL in three weeks. The migraines have started already, just from dreading the phony act she puts on, pretending to be all lovey-dovey to my face and then saying awful things about me to everybody she knows. It's not new with dementia; she loathes me for stealing her first-born son away from her and for refusing to kowtow to her. Thirty years of dealing with the queen of the narcissists have taken their toll.
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Oh Tex, tell hubby to confiscate her card andcheck book and wwhen you are better you will consider giving them back. Add the bit about APS relocating her if she calls them because you are too "seriously" ill to stand the stress. now go and say good night to her nicely and tell her hubby is now on duty because the Dr has ordered a good nights sleep before the surgery. You will not be responding tonight unless she falls down the stairs and even then if she is still breathing. Tuck yourself into bed with a book or the TV plus a drink or a snack to eat around midnight. Under no cumstances appear till you need to get up and have your pre op shower in the morning. Get dressed and go back to you room and stay there. Whatever you have not done stays undone and DO NOT WORRY you will be asleep and there will be plenty of pain relief afterwards. Don't report anything less than an 8 if you want more meds.. Blessings
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more whining! mum went to bed 20mins ago then my bro rang now just settling to watch something and some ME time and shes back down again looking for tea? Wtf is going on with her sleeping tabs cause they sure aint working? 5mg of stilnoct and shes awake?????? i take one and im gone for 7hrs??
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After reading about parents who are always buying things, I have the opposite problem..... my whine is that my parents DON'T buy things that would make their life easier, and they can easily afford anything they want.... like one of those life alert systems.... nope, that's for old people [my parents are in their 90's] and Dad doesn't want to pay the monthly fee.

Another thing my Dad would love to have a higher speed internet but he rather complain a 100 times about how slow dial up is.... [sigh].... he doesn't want to pay to have that. My parents love old movies, and Turner Classic has a lot of really wonderful films, but again my parents don't want to pay for it, plus they say they are *too busy* to watch TV.... too busy????.... oh well, maybe it takes a half hour to get dress at that age, I don't know.
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I understand about the clutter. When my mother moved with me she though she was bringing all her stuff LOL, we would have had to buy another house to do that. Went through a lot yelling and tears,mostly mine, but put my foot down, I had to ,there simply wasn't room in my house for all her stuff. It was one h*ll of an estate sell. Even now I have to be very firm that any stuff she buys has to fit in her bedroom or it is not coming in the house and on top of that if it makes it more difficult to move around in her bedroom it isn't coming in the house.
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freqflyer - hubbie and I actually use that method in our own (quite small) home. And, if we see something useless but tempting, we ask "Where will we put it?" If we can't immediately say where, then forget it!
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For those who's parents are constantly buying things.... tell them for anything new they bring into the house, something old has to be removed [I was temped to say them]. Trash it or donate it. If it is furniture, see if the delivery men can haul away an older piece of furniture and give them a nice tip.
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Big whine gosh why is everyday just impossible? got a phone call from a furniture store mum has gone and bought an Armchair and foot stool WE CANNOT MOVE IN FRONT ROOM WITH FURNITURE????????
Am so fed up with this more bloody furniture to clutter uip an already cluttered house its like a living h*ll.

I snapped at her and she got mad slamming doors again "whats it to you if i buy stuff?its none of your business".

Just cant cope with this everyday picking up clutter a mess everywhere then she has the "cheek" to abuse me and say i do nothing.

I think we all need to be assessed! I mean are we "mad" to be doing this? whats it all about and for what? Oh please god bring me the money to runaway from here asap. I dont think im going to make it out of this a normal person!
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Yes good luck Tex at least youll kinda have a break from mum feel for you as cant imagine having surgery then coming home to mum and the stress you make sure you have a good break and heal!
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Feel for you Tex, been there. Makes you weep, doesn't it.

GOOD LUCK for tomorrow! Do nothing else 'til the surgery's over, just get yourself better.
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My long-winded whine today...
I really don't know how sometimes that I will survive this. Living with her (for me) is pure hell. She just doesn't 'get it'. I am very weary of trying to deal with that fact. She is oblivious to everything.
Not only am I weary of the invasion---the absolute invasion of privacy. I have very few moments of peace. She invades when I sit down at the toilet, in the shower, at my computer, on my phone...And the interruptions are what she has just asked me a thousand times before.
Just this morning, she is 'slamming drawers' looking for new blood testing strips. She goes thru them like toilet paper too. I find them on the floor and outside everywhere. So I need to use the bathroom and she interrupts me to ask me where her testing strips were. Exasperated, I told her I would get her a new box when I was done. But I can still hear her rummaging for the new boxes---loudly. So I get up--unfinished---from what I am doing and get her the g*&%$#@*&&^$% strips and lay them on the counter next to her testing kit.
I now get ready to go for my walk and am out the door and on the road and I hear her call my name from inside the house. I keep walking not wanting to deal with her at the moment. I am in great need of some peace .
When I get back some 20 minutes later, she grabs my attention with, "I can't find my box of test strips. I'm thinking, Are - you - kidding - me!? I tell her (rigidly) that I put them on the counter right next to her testing kit (which has been moved so I know she found it). She gives me the angry look and starts looking all around for where she put them. Ten minutes later just as I steal a moment to sit, she says, "I can't find my test strips". Now I am friggn' annoyed. I tell her (with great emphasis)...."I PUT THEM ON THE COUNTER AND YOU PICKED THEM UP AND PUT THEM SOMEWHERE"!
So....My peaceful, meditative walk that earnestly ask for guidance, peace, patience, love and compassion has fallen into the toilet!
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Also , if she calls the police or APS on me because I took the credit card and checks away she better tell them to bring a U-Haul truck with them because she will be out of my house so quick she won't know what hit her,that I will change my phone number and she will be on her own.I am an only child as is she. Being nice doesn't get thru to her, she is NPD and very passive-aggressive.I hate having to be this way but how else can I protect her from herself?
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I have spent 2 hours on the phone with the bank, and online pharmacy clearing up the mess my mother made with her credit card. Have to go thru so much phone automation to get to a real person. Also the charge she made the sunday has shown up on her credit card on the computer as a pending charge, called the credit card company and they said the charge would have to go thru and not be pending before I could dispute it, it was charged on her now cancelled card. It's a chase card and so far they have always been good about service , at least for me, I know for myself we had to cancel our card twice because of suspicious charges and they were very good about cancelling the card and we were never held responsible for the charges. I always check our checking and credit card accouts on line every 24 hours, but I am having surgery on my neck in the morning and just worry about something getting away from me. I bluntly told her if this ever happened again I will be taking her credit card if I have to wrestle it from her, cut it up and take away her checks and she will have to ask me for one . I hate being this draconian toward her but it is for her protection. She doesn't have dementia but is on 180mg morphine a day, she isn't out of it, wide awake but it does lower her inhibitions and common sense.Just made it clear, I am the one having surgery and I don't need this cr*p right now.
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Susan-
Get mom checked for a UTI. My mom has had a succession of the 7 or 8 in the past year. The first one showed as a back ache. I even took her to a massage therapist because I thought that would help. No massage in the world will cure a UTI! LOL!
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