My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Sallie NO, NO, NO, NO, to your brother. He's not your or Mom's responsibility. Not even overnight!

My whine today is that tomorrow is Friday 13th and a full moon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband has been ranting and raving for the last few days mainly about politics anf for the last couple about our PCP who dared to write an incorrect prescription (on purpose) and needs to be reprimanded by her boss whoever that is and if she continues to do it wrong to the Sate board. It has been so bad i was prompted to look up the next full moon and low and behold I found it is tomorrow. I don't know if others believe that full moons influence the behaviour of certain people. Well i do and have found they are worse in the few days before rather than on the actual date.

Tell him exactly what you just told us and end it with a big NO. You may not want hin living there but for goodness sake don't bale him out and start enabling him.

My whine today. I get an e-mail from my older sister whom I haven't seen or verbally talked to for 3 years telling me my alcoholic brother is in the hospital with a stomach infection brought on by drinking vodka every day. Don't see him much either. I get the occasional text asking how mom is. I call him and find out he's getting out today. He's hinting about possibly losing his job. He's in his second divorce and renting some cheap apartment. Mom lives next to me and doesn't want him living there. I don't want him living there either. I have a hard enough time taking care if mom. His health is getting worse and I don't want to care for him too. He has done nothing to help me with my mom in three years. He's 55 yrs old and failing quick. He tried rehab twice, but it hasn't worked. He lies and can't be trusted. If he asks me if he can come here or with mom I don't know how to say no. Any suggestions?

I agree, old habits do die hard with the elderly. My parent's where still paying for AOL last year. They'd stopped charging for service a LONG time ago. Sigh...

Glad you had a good day Susan... it always helps! I decided to take the entire day off (cept for food) after Moms giant temper tantrum at our friends house last night.... it sucked me dry. Apparently is sucked her dry also since she's not said a word to me today. Oh well....

Freqflyer - old habits die hard sometimes....hopefully your parents will see the wisdom (and savings and convenience!) of having their mail come right to their door soon.

I hope everyone else is doing well today. Mom has had a reasonably good day today, so I don't have much to whine about. Her shower day was yesterday, but she didn't feel up to it, but willingly showered today, so I count that as a win. Her back has been bothering her quite a bit, so she takes a pain pill and then sleeps for a while, but laying in bed makes her back hurt more due to her weight...so it's kind of a vicious cycle.

My whine for the day - my parents' PO box at the post office. Even since my parents stopped driving 5 years ago, my significant other and I [we are both senior citizens ourselves] been running to the post office to get my parents mail. At first we went daily, sometimes twice a day whenever my parents had their prescriptions sent to the PO Box.... now we whittled mail pickup down to once a week.

My parents having a PO Box is unnecessary since they can get home delivery right outside their front door. For the past 3 years we have been hinting to my parents to cancel the darn box. Couple weeks ago they renewed it for another year.... [sigh]

Before work today, I picked up my parents mail after stretching it out to 10 days.... I mentioned to Dad that I could see him and Mom having a PO Box back when they were driving, but to continue to have one when they need to depend on others to get their mail isn't reasonable.

You'd think my parents were in the witness protection group the way they act by wanting their mail to go to the PO box only !!!

Good luck Ladyryder. My sister's saying for times like this is "nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be" - but that might just tell you how incredibly pessimistic my sister is, of course! Try looking at your mother as though she's somebody else's mother, maybe? I find that helps me be less frustrated with mine, and more polite to her too.

I have to go to my moms today take her to her doctor apt. just can't take the whinning or abuse fron her. Try to be postive with her but she won't have it. she always been abusive person but i didn't have to go around her. but I'm the only person that will help. none of grandkids even go see her due to the abusive behaivor. she totally alone unless my uncle or i go there. but it takes everything i have to do it. I'm disable myself, and have mental panic attacts. so this is very hard. that's my whin for this am

A&A, I have posted some of Teepa's ideas and tricks on the dysfunctional thread. It was a great presentation! I M going to try to posteach day, that way I won't wear out my dusting and vacuuming fingers.

Oh sorry Glad..

But how was Teepa Snow? Do tell please!

Mine grrr! Yesterday I had a caregiver come in for what was supposed to be 3 hours to stay with stepdad while I was at Teepa Snow. He is one stubborn old coot and doesn't think he needs help. Can't open a bottle of Ensure himself and very unstable on his feet and developing some memory problems, obviously. So the caregiver was going to do some dusting and vacuuming for me. I was so looking forward to coming home with these tasks done so I didn't have to do it. Well the old coot sent her away after 1.5 hours. Mind you that we have to pay for three. Didn't notice dusting and vacuuming wasn't done until tonight when the sun hit just right. I had explained to him that caregiver was going to do those things for me so I wouldn't have to. Just so disappointing! So tomorrow will be dusting and vacuuming.

Ashlynne....yes they do....I know a lady who may mean well, and she rescues cats all the time, BUT she rescues cats who are relatively healthy and at least have a chance and would bring them home to a place that was so horrific for them it was abuse in and of itself...yes, not right by any means....if you have them take good and proper care of them.. and you're right...the leaving of food outdoors entices coyotes, as does having unaltered dogs roaming as coyotes will also breed with them...all just wrong..sorry...got off on a different tangent than caregiving, but my pets are my babies, and I could not abandon them when I had to leave everything and move home, so it has been that much harder trying to keep mine safe and care for Mama while everyone else just lets theirs run wild.... :( yep ...too many people suck....

Re the cat problem, I live in the country and I have 4 aged from 6 to 15, along with 2 middle aged dogs. All are spayed/neutered, have their shots and are kept indoors at night. House across the road, semi feral cats breeding and running all over, no shots - even their dogs have no shots or tags - and they leave food outside which brings the coyotes. Just like last year all their cats will have been killed by the coyotes by winter. Most humans suck.

Susan my mother fell all the time and eventually had a bad fall where she couldn't help me get her up, went to hospital and on to a NH. Unfortunately it's just a matter of time.

Ack, the siblings, CM....so frustrating sometimes.

Mom is *already* a fall risk - she shuffles when she walks, so the least little thing on the floor - or nothing at all - will make her trip and down she goes. I've managed (knock on wood) to keep those to a minimum - she hasn't fallen since last summer - but it's only because I hover over her every step. I just don't want her to lose mobility completely, because when that happens, she's going to end up having to go to a NH, because I can't lift her.

Susan if she's anything like my mother she'll wait 'til she's a falls risk - THEN you won't be able to turn your back for fear of little forays into the kitchen..!

My whine for today is that my BP SIL gets right up my nose. I emailed all siblings seeking volunteers to take mother away somewhere sunny and safe for a week's vacation. Sister says "nope. Not a chance." Brother 2 hasn't replied at all. Brother 3 - I get a one sentence email back from his address, obviously written by snotty SIL, saying loftily "we will talk to her on Jul 3rd."

Don't think you will, dear. That's the day of her birthday party and she'll have guests to entertain. And since you're not hanging around for much longer than it takes to blow out the birthday cake candles I don't think you'll get far with the conversation.

And ANYWAY what makes her think my mother can wait another THREE WEEKS while she finds a convenient time just to start the discussions? Snotty cow.

Ooo, I feel better now :)

I have a whine for today - and this is an ongoing thing with Mom. She is SO darn sedentary! She is fully capable of getting up and walking, but if I am around to fetch and carry for her, she wants me to do it. However...at night, she gets up and walks into the kitchen to get a late night snack when I'm sleeping, and leaves the trash from it for me to find in the morning. So she can go get the stuff, eat it, but not clean up after herself afterwards - but if I'm up and around, she expects me to run and fetch stuff for her. If I get annoyed and say (as I did today), "You know Mom, if you can get up and raid the kitchen at night while I'm sleeping, you can walk in there and get what you want when I'm awake too!" - then I get the little girl whiny voice, pouty face and "I'm sorry, I'll do it myself from now on...." - GUILT TRIP. She's very good at manipulation and the guilt trip.

Oh my Sallie - hang in there!

I completely understand Hope - the last thing I want is for the cats to be killed at a shelter, but if it comes down to the cats being outside, causing a population explosion because they're not fixed, spreading disease to other cats because they don't have their shots and aren't receiving medical care when they're sick - so they're miserable anyway, because they're sick all the time, and are not being given shelter in the cold winter months (I'm in Michigan), then the shelter starts to look like a better option. If she's not going to care for them, then at least give them *some* chance at getting a good home, rather than letting them run loose.

My whine today is, I went shopping Monday for me and my mom. I ran some errands yesterday too. My mother calls me and says her allergies are acting up and could I go pick up some Mucinex because she's almost out. I get those and get another call asking if I can come over (next door) and throw away the flowers she had gotten a couple of weeks ago because she thinks that's what is triggering the allergies. I told her to put a bag over them and I will throw them away when I bring her dinner later! Whew, that feels a bit better!

And that is just wrong to let animals proliferate ...it is just contributing to the problem instead of helping to end it... :( sad for the cats...or any animals who have to live that way....

Well, sadly, she is right that if you take them to a shelter, they most likely WILL be killed...that is just a sad fact...I understand folks trying to save animals...I have done it all my life, but I also take care of them, have them all spayed./ neutered/ vaccinated....I know people love their pets and so I don't want to be hurtful, but I wear myself making sure mine aren't out worrying other folks, etc. and so it is frustrating when other folks just let theirs run freely wherever whenever....but I guess that is part of having pets....just a whine moment for me...as I also hate it for the animals...not their fault,,, once again irresponsible owners...

Hope, that is one nasty neighbor you had (with the cats). I had a neighbor once who took in any and all stray cats, but once her very tiny house became overrun with cats and their myriad offspring, she just started keeping all of them outside. I paid a relative to till up a portion of my small yard for a garden - which I planted and tended with great care - only to find I couldn't use anything from the garden, because her cats were using it as a litter box. When I brought up the fact that she had quite a lot of cats outside, she remarked that she had 15 inside, and no room for any more, so that's why they were outside. I suggested she take them to the shelter so they could at least have a chance to find homes, and she responded with a horrified stare, saying they would be killed at the shelter.

Ok, so you're leaving them outside, feeding them, but providing absolutely no medical care for them whatsoever - and many of them have running eyes and noses, ear mites (constant head shaking and ear digging) and are obviously not vaccinated, so there's the concern of FIV and Feline Leukemia, not to mention distemper and other diseases - and fleas/ticks. At least 4 of the 20+ outdoor cats were pregnant. I told her she could be reported to animal control for having so many...so she turned right around and told me they weren't "hers", that she just fed them because she felt sorry for them. Ugh. Sorry lady - if you feed them and they stay in your yard, they are YOURS.

Was so glad when I moved away from there.

OK..my whine moment for the day....the neighbors who have female dogs and do not have them spayed.....these dogs are fenced in, BUT now we have dogs coming in from all over the countryside.....my issue with it in addition to just the mere idiocy of folks who don't assume responsibility for allowing animals to overpopulate and hence contribute to the sadness and horror of how many animals are put to sleep every day because of it....BUT back when a neighbor moved away and willfully abandoned her cats...just put them out in the yard and left....I told her that in and of itself was animal abuse as you can't just abandon animals to fend for themselves....she told me, oh I know you'll take care of them...well, thanks for that...anywhoooo.....of course I did find homes for all but one, that one was not neutered (she said he was) and the entire neighborhood was raising h*ll at ME for allowing this cat to roam the neighborhood...he wasn't roaming anywhere, he was sitting at that empty house meowing for his former owner...it broke my heart...they began to threaten him and I took him in, had him neutered and long story short, he is now part of our family...and very much loved...BUT...once again, I get b*tched at for trying to do the right thing....and all the other neighbors just let their dogs run loose and that's ok....but from past experience, I already know if I report the dogs my cats will become a target...can't win for losing....thanks for adding more to my already full plate.

Credit control is incredibly difficult for sole traders, especially when you're hiring out expertise rather than selling goods. I suppose it's a case of "fool me once, shame on you…" And you sort of grow antennae about people, too, don't you. Goodness! - that's one thing I'm not missing at the moment, problematic clients. Bless their little cotton socks.

Susan I'm sure you and I could swap a number of horror stories :)

I hear that Ashlynne!

I actually had to fire one of my very first clients - turns out he was fishing through the freelancing sites to find people that would work for him based on his promise that he would pay upon completion of the project. Being new to the freelancing game, I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Worst case of scope creep - ever. The project never "ended" - so I never got paid. Turns out it was good I left when I did - he was being investigated by the IRS for his shady business practices. He's still out there, taking on new freelancers and never paying them. I don't know how he gets away with it. I counted it as a loss (and a hard lesson learned).

Phanna don't even consider bringing your mother home. She's safe and cared for where she is and the staff won't put up with her shenanigans. To bring her home would literally be the end of life for you.

Susan I've "fired" (very sweetly and professionally) two or three clients over the years and the minute you do it a huge weight lifts off your shoulders.

Phanna the last thing you want is to bring Mom home. For a start you will loose any chance of earning a living she will make sure of that. She will call you constantly to come home and her calls will escalate till there is one of the I"ve fallen and can't get up" so you rush home and there she is happily sitting in front of the TV with a half eaten pack of cookies on her lap. She will keep this up till you get fired which was exactly her intention. It won't worry her one little bit that you cant pay the bills She has her social security and that will buy her candy or a pity call to one of the sibs and they will drop by with whatever it is she needs and berate you for being so stupid as to get fired.
No don't fall for that pity line. Of course she would rather be at home but she knows perfectly well that she needs full time care. Anyone who has ever tried to manouver a walker and carry a cup of coffee can tell you they need help.
Yes you have been used but you have let it happen so don't even think of making things worse for yourself. You may have to supervise her care but don't visit more often than you have to. Let her calls go to voice mail and then call back when it suites you. Tell her she can call one of the other sibs if it is that urgent. Sounds cruel I know but this is a harsh world and this is as good as it is going to get. She has got a lot that many others don't have but don't expect her to appreciate anything you do. She is not capable of that. Overweight of course she has probably been home alone for years and comforted herself with food. Lazy, well probably but depression encourages that. Dementia doesnot excuse the way she has always been but now she can't help it, that is what dementia does to people.Many others share your problems and will sympathise but only you can look after yourself and help your self in this situation. The staff will haul her out of bed and make her walk and take a shower and take her meds, be thankful that is not your responsibility. Visit if and when you want to. This is about you and your mother not your siblings who have made it clear they have no intention of taking any responsibility. If you really don't like her and that is OK and don't want to visit then stay away but you do need to keep in touch with the staff and visit ocassionally to make sure she is being cared for. When you get there if she is unpleasant and especially if there is a nasty history between the two of you you don't have to stay. Let her know when you are able to visit and ask her to have a list of things she needs so you can plan ahead. Arrange to call her at regular times. Every evening for 20 minutes or once a week on sat it's your choice. other times don't answer or cut her off. You don't have to be nasty just firm. You are not being a bad daughter by imposing some discipline into this relationship. I doubt you can afford the gas to drive six hours every week end either. You have done a fantastic job so far. Many will be jealous of your ability to find placement for her in only an hour. If you do actually want more interaction you may be able to find a facility closer to your home that she could be moved to. Blessings

Assandache - you are so right. I used to just suck it up when my boss would chew me out for something - not anymore. And this is NOT my boss - he is my client - something I think he's forgotten. I can fire him anytime I want (provided I've got other work lined up to replace his) - I think he's forgotten the relationship is not that of an employer and employee.