Yesterday I took my 82 year old mom to the attorney to sign the will that she drew up 11 years ago. The lawyer is in my city, 90 minutes from her small town. I drove up, got her, brought her here, fed her lunch, took her home, then came home myself. I could have spent the night at her house, I have my own room. But even though she has AC, 73 to her is too cold, and I am used to it being 68. I'm not just being whiny, I have a medical condition that can be exacerbated by being too warm.
Anyway...on the drive I mentioned that I am going to see my brother and his family next month. They live about a 7 hour drive from me. I didn't tell her that I'm taking a 40 minute flight instead of driving. She is fearful of travel to being with, but she'd absolutely flip over the thought of me getting on a plane. It's cheaper than the gas and NYC tolls to fly. I told her that my SIL asked if I were bringing mom and I said no. Mom didn't say anything for a minute, then got really angry at me for "making plans for her without asking". Um, I wasn't making plans for HER. I made them for ME. My brother has asked her many times to visit and she says no. She can't leave home without her cats (who are welcome at my brother's home, but they have dogs and other cats and her cats wouldn't do well in that situation). The drive is too much for her. She worries and gets confused out of her daily routine. The plan with my brother's family is to go camping. With the dogs. In the woods. My mom wouldn't ever want to do that - and can you imagine taking the cats into the woods with the dogs? So I asked her "do you want to go"? OF COURSE she said NO!!!! She was hoping bro's family would come to see HER this summer. Well, they are. It's not even June yet. They want to bring their camper and stay at a local campground. She would enjoy a campfire and picnic but at bedtime one of us would take her home. She said "I can take myself home". Right mom, at night when you shouldn't be driving AT ALL. She was pissy the rest of the day.
https://caregiver.com/articles/why-seniors-cold/#:~:text=Why%20are%20Seniors%20always%20cold,normal%20temperature%20of%2098.6%20degree.
My grandmother is the same way and I hate when she gets like that. Yesterday my uncle came over to help put up a neighbor's fence that bordered ours. My grandmother threw a temper tantrum- total full on meltdown- and moped the whole day because she knew nothing about it, couldn't pay for it, etc. We all explained to her that it's her neighbor's fence, the neighbor is paying for it, it's not on her property and she has nothing to do with it. "BUT I WANNA KNOW!" But it's none of your business what the neighbor does with their property.
I'm not really a pro with 'tact', I'm more of a straight-shooter. We already know that actual camping in the woods is not an option, so what's left? Either you drive her home from the picnic/campfire in the woods, or not go at all.
I don't for a second dispute your and your brother's perfect right to make whatever travel and visiting plans suit you; but I have to say the way you put this to your mother was monumentally tactless.
You've put me in mind of a mother's day card my mother got from my sister-in-law. It said "sorry we can't be with you, it's [nephew's] [significant] birthday and we're having a big party for him." To which mother was not invited, of course. Well, no, you wouldn't want your granny at your 30th birthday party, no doubt. But was it strictly necessary to *tell* her that?
I hope your mother will have smoothed her feathers down enough to enjoy the campfire when it happens. Best just let this current thing pass, least said soonest mended I should think.
I live in SJersey and I know what traveling thru NYC is like. And since they have opened the shore points, you have that traffic to deal with from Md up. I-95 and 295 are bad enough without shore traffic. Then the NJ turnpike and Garden State Pkwy. I would fly too.
Some folks, as they age, seem to lose whatever empathy they had for others. I would let it roll of your back and not respond.